It was alcohol that killed me, in the end.
The man had had a blood alcohol level of .15 when he decided it was time to return home from the bar. I didn't even have time to scream before everything was gone. As much as I have forgot about before the accident, I can never, ever forget the sounds. The screeching metal against the pavement, the tinkle of shattering glass, the screams of pedestrians. They replayed in my mind whenever I closed my eyes. Over and over.
There was only one word that had flashed through my mind in those critical last seconds, before everything went dark.
Edward.
I was dead. I was under water. I was floating in nothing. I was nothing.
Black and red swirled over my eyelids; explosions of colour making me flinch. Panicked voices surrounded me, but it was as if none of them were speaking English anymore. I couldn't understand a word of it. I stopped trying. The gist was clear: Panic. Screaming. Death. Sirens. Glass. Darkness. I let the tide sweep me away. I didn't want to hear anymore.
White masked faces circled the air above me like vultures. Muffled voices.
"She's coming out of it. Put her back under."
I was dimly aware of a prick in my arm. And then I was gone.
When the black mist cleared everything was silent. It was a nice contrast to the chaos I had left behind. Had I died? I was aware of my body, for the first time, and realized that I wasn't actually dead. My body felt like one giant bruise, and my limbs weren't responding as they usually should. Although, if I was being fair, my limbs didn't respond most of the time anyways. It was ironic. I was being killed for the clumsiness of another. I might have laughed, if I could have.
Cracking open leaden eyelids, I was momentarily blinded by the sterile white of a hospital room. I was closed in by equipment which was beeping erratically and alternately spitting out paper. A lump in a chair nearby turned out to be Charlie, and beside him was mom. They were both asleep, Renee's head on Charlie's shoulder. Well well...
I blinked heavily for a moment, then slowly cast my eyes to my left, where they fell on another figure. A figure with auburn hair that always stood up, no matter how many times I had tried to flatten it down. A figure with eyes so dark and cold that I would find myself drowning in them. A figure with eyes so warm and golden they made everything better as soon as they were turned upon me. A figure that was usually smirking that gorgeous, half-smile that made my heart melt every time. He wasn't smiling now.
"Bella," His voice cracked on the word, as if he hadn't used it in a while. Or had recently damaged it with prolonged shouting. He rose lithely from his chair to my side, gently taking my lifeless hand in his.
I tried to give him a small smile, but my face wasn't responding very well either. I decided it was because of painkillers. Not because I could be... there was no way that I might... I decided to ask him.
"How does it look?" I croaked, careful, even then, to keep my voice low. I didn't want to wake mom and Charlie. I wanted to be alone with Edward just now.
He tore his gaze away from mine and swallowed.
"Not good, Bella." He said finally, after a pause. Probably wondering whether to lie to me or not. "Not good at all."
I took a deep breath, and could tell that I had broken ribs.
"I can't feel my legs." I said suddenly, trying in vain to move them anyway.
Edward was still determinedly not meeting my eyes. He spoke to the wall.
"Your... your spinal chord was damaged. When he hit you. They said... they said you would be paralyzed. When you recover. They did the best they could, but there was just too much."
"Look at me."
He let out a long, drifting breath, and slowly his eyes met mine. His whole face was wracked with grief. I could see him struggling to keep his composure. I think that's when I knew that it was worse than my spinal chord. Edward was the second oldest person I knew. He was always there, almost immovable, always solid. And yet... he didn't know what to do.
"What els-"
I gasped, my eyes clenching shut as a wave of pain overcame the medication and washed through my body. The machine near my head suddenly fired up, beeping urgently to anybody who would listen.
Edward's voice, low and urgent, was in my ear.
"Don't do this to me, Bella. You can't do it. Breathe. Relax." There was raw emotion in his voice now; all careful composure was stripped away. "Damn it, Bella! Don't do this! Please." I could feel his cool breath on my cheek.
The beeping of the machine had woken both my parents, who had jumped up immediately. Mom rushed to grab my other hand while Charlie ran into the hallway, where a doctor was already approaching. Carlisle. A hospital as small as this one didn't have much staff.
"Mr. Swan and Mrs. Dwyer, you're going to have to leave. I'll be with you as soon as I can." I knew at once that he was going to let Edward stay. I heard the door open and close.
"She's going into shock," Carlisle murmured, injecting something into my IV tube.
The pain washed over me again. I was blinded by it. I gasped, tried to scream.
"Bella. Breathe, Bella."
I couldn't breathe.
I let go.
There was Renee, smiling blissfully as she played the piano. Both of them, Charlie and Renee, sitting on the couch laughing. Stephen, my best friend from elementary school, pressing a handful of dirt into my hands with a grin. Alice, dancing across the cafeteria floor. Jessica and Mike revolving slowly under ribbons of crepe paper. Angela smiling. Heat rising from the dark pavement, hazing the city air. Moss hanging off ancient cedars. Edward.
Edward, turning to smirk at me as he made spaghetti at my stove in Charlie's cramped kitchen, wearing my dad's old blue apron. Edward, pausing to place a wildflower in my hair. Edward, arguing passionately as we sat on my roof on a clear night. Edward glaring at me, my first day of a new school. Edward picking me up and carrying me so I didn't have to use my bad leg. Edward, running an exasperated hand through his hair, a habit which left it standing all over the place. Edward laughing. Edward smiling. Edward crying.
"Edward." I spoke, my tongue like lead in my mouth. The beeping of the machine raised an octave, becoming even more insistent.
"Edward." Carlisle echoed. "You don't have much time. You need to do it. If you don't, I will."
"I... I can't."
His voice was so pained, so raw. I wanted to reach out a hand and comfort him.
"You must."
The machine was a shrieking now.
"Now, Edward!"
"Oh god Bella. I'm so sorry."
I felt his lips touch my neck. He hesitated. His lips moved.
"I'm too selfish to let you go. Forgive me."
I gasped as his teeth sunk into my neck. It felt like my heart was jerked from its usual place in my chest to settle somewhere in my throat. Those few seconds lasted a lifetime. I was suddenly aware of him jerking himself violently away from me, moving as far as possible from me as he could. Then there was just the pain.
It started in my neck, the fire. It started in my neck and then burned its way down my entire body, leaving nothing living behind. I writhed in the utter agony of it. My legs were now responding. I thrashed wildly in my bed, dimly aware of Carlisle pinning my down with his body weight so I wouldn't hurt myself. I think I screamed.
And then there was nothing.
Well, what do you think? I'll be honest: I'm shallow. I won't update if you don't review. Mwwahaha.
Update: Thanks to Hellish Red Devil who brought to my attention that my paragraphs were all screwed. They were nice and indented before and then changed. Merci. I've fixed them now.