CHAPTER 4

That was it, she had been caught, Juliette felt the world fall apart. Then she looked up to see Kat holding her blade.

Juliette didn't say anything, she didn't know what to say but she needed her blade, and she needed it now.

"Please Kat, give it to me, I need it" she said with a shaky voice.

"No, you don't Juliette, you don't need it" Kat said, "It's just in your head".

"How do you know ? You don't know how it's like" she started to say crying a bit, "Please Kat give it to me now, I just need it, just one more time. And it's not just in my head ! I just need it, I really do !".

"How long has it been going on Jules ? When did you start cutting again ? What triggered that ? You were doing so well !"

"You have no idea and stop it with all your questions ! What's up with all your stupid questions, why can't everybody just leave me alone ?" Juliette said between sobs.

"We just want to help you ! We're your friends, you know that, we're a family, we help each other… I have to inform Peter about this" Kat finally said.

At that last statement Juliette freaked out and nearly fainted.

"No, please don't, don't do that Kat you can't !"

"I have to. Juliette you hurt yourself again, this is serious ! You have to get help, you have to let Peter and us help you, you're not alone, you don't have to deal with it on your own, you…"

"Please Kat, it's not what you think, it just happened once, I swear, it was nothing ok, I'm not addicted again, I swear that time is over, it just happened once and that's it, I'm fine, now please give it to me"

"You're not fine Juliette !" Kat said trying to make her understand that she was in a serious condition and not doing well at all, that it was dangerous and could get worse and that she needed to get help.

"I am fine ! And stop telling me the way I feel, what do you know anyway ?"

"You're not fine Juliette" Kat repeated once again.

Juliette was sobbing, she didn't know what to think or do or say.

"C'mon stop denying it" Kat said, "You know what you did, and it wasn't just once" she said as she took her arm, rolled up her sleeve, to look at it.

"Eh what the hell you doing ?" Juliette said trying to not let her see her arm, which was too late as Kat was quick to roll up her sleeve and see the fresh scars, a lot of them, some looking quite bad.

"Oh Jules" she said sad for her friend, "Look at your arm ! It is a lot and don't tell me it happened just once".

Juliette wouldn't even look at her arm, she just couldn't. Of course she was lying and she knew it and she knew that her friend also knew but she couldn't be honest and admit it, it was too hard. And she knew that once she admitted it she'd have to face it and deal with it. Thing she didn't have to do until she didn't admit it.

"Juliette, be honest with yourself ! I know it's hard but…"

"I don't want to listen to you anymore, I'm fine, just give it to me and leave me alone !" Juliette said.

"You have a problem Jules"

"No, I don't, please just give it to me and go"

"I'm sorry I can't do that, I have to see Peter" Kat said knowing what the right thing to do was.

"No, please don't do that, don't tell him, I won't do it anymore, I swear, just this one and then it's over, I can stop anytime I want" Juliette said as she was not only lying to her friend but also to herself.

Kat was annoyed, she didn't know what to do. Well, she knew what she should do, tell Peter about this but she also knew that she couldn't betray her friend, it was for her own good but she couldn't do that.

"Alright, here's what we gonna do" Kat started to say, "I'm not going to go see Peter today" she said as Juliette seemed relieved, "But I want you to go tell him yourself"

"What ? Are you kidding ? NO WAY !" was Juliette's answer.

"You have to ! You have to tell him, let him help you, and the others too, us, your friends, Auggie, everyone. Nobody will judge you for this and you know it, we just want to help you but you have to be honest with us !

Juliette was lost, she didn't know what to say. She just lost her balance and was sitting on the ground in no time, crying, in pain, confused. Kat kneeled down beside her.

"You're not alone Juliette, we're all here for you, you have to trust us and let us in, ok ? You can do that, you did it once when you first got here and thanks to that, that you let us help you, you got better and now you're happy with Auggie. I can understand that you don't want to tell me why you're doing this to yourself again but…"

"Auggie" Juliette said, "He'll never love me again after this, he won't look at me, I'm just disgusting"

"Eh stop it Jules, that's not true, you know it, there's nobody he loves more than you !" Kat said, "And it's killing him not to know what's going on with you… Well, ok I won't go talk to Peter but you have to, I know it's not easy and I could go with you if you wanted but I really think it's something you have to do alone, trust me. Maybe not today, I can understand it might take some time for you to get ready to go talk to him but you have to ok and remember that he's not there to judge you but to help you !"

"Ok, I'll go talk to him in a few days when I feel ready for it" Juliette said as she tried to calm down.

"Alright" Kat said smiling.

"Kat ?" Juliette called out.

"Yeah"

Juliette didn't say anything but she was looking at the blade that her friend was holding.

"Oh no, don't even think about it" was Kat's answer.

"P L E A S E !" Juliette was now begging, "Just one more time and than it's over"

"You really need help Jules, you're addicted again, maybe even stronger than before".

Those words hurt Juliette. She really thought that she could stop whenever she wanted, she didn't believe she was addicted but she was !

Kat left without a word and threw the blade in the toilet and flushed.

Juliette was now alone in the dorm, thinking, Great you can be proud of yourself now idiot ! Someone caught you and now it's gonna be hell again, I have to think about what to do, I have to run away. But first right now I need to get some release, she thought.

She was going crazy, looking after something to cut herself like a drug addict looking for some dope. She was looking for something sharp to self harm, anything, but it wasn't easy to find when you had your things searched regularly, it was big already that she could hid one razor blade. But now she didn't have it anymore. She had to find something. She was opening the furniture and everything she could find to try to find something sharp. When she couldn't find anything she started scratching herself with her nails. It was also 'good', no scars, direct pain, what she needed ! If she could scratch hard enough she would go kind of deep, still less deep than with the blade and less dangerous as you couldn't really hit an artery or something, and there was still the pain but still it wasn't as 'good' as cutting. But it was better than nothing to help her calm down before finding something to cut herself with.

She was looking everywhere, she felt like she was crazy as it was harder to breathe and she would shake and feel really bad.

"It's not just in my head !" she repeated to herself, "There must be something here !" She said as she was still looking everywhere.

Then she found it behind the door, a small piece of glass from when Shelby had gotten mad a few days ago and had broken one of her mirrors. The bathroom had been cleaned but apparently they had forgotten that piece of glass, they didn't look closely enough but Juliette found it. In a hurry she took it to her skin and cut herself once again, several cuts without even really looking at what she was doing. So fast she wasn't sure what body part she had hid this time. So fast the blood was running from her veins. At this very moment she didn't really care. She was there sitting, resting her head against the sink, shutting her eyes as she felt the feeling of relief she was waiting for.

A few minutes later she regained her senses, was calmer, cleaned the mess once again and thought about hiding that new tool somewhere else.

Where can I hide it ? she wondered, I need to find a place nobody will find it, she thought knowing that soon she'd need to use it again.

She found a small place behind the sink, she hurried herself to hide the blade in. Then, she checked one more time to make sure that the bathroom was clean before reaching her bed to do some reading before going to her next class.

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