CHAPTER 6
Hours passed. The cliffhangers met in the lounge an hour before tonight's group session to work a bit on their essay and poem. Juliette joined them. She thought she better do that than have them worry about her and come look after her. She got ready to wear that mask and fake smiles to her friends.
As she sat down beside Auggie everyone glanced at her. She tried to not pay attention.
"Feeling better ?" Scott asked.
Great, they're questioning me again, Juliette thought as she faked a smile.
"Yes, thank you, I was just a bit tired" she lied.
Kat was glancing at Juliette, it was killing her to see her friend like that. She must be in a lot of pain, she thought, something must have happened to make her cut again.
Juliette tried to caught nobody's eyes, she couldn't see them, see the look they'd be giving her, she feared that she'd just burst into tears and she didn't want that. Because then she'd be vulnerable… and she would talk, she would say everything, she didn't want that ! It was her little secret, well now Kat also knew and she didn't like that idea because she could tell Peter or someone else anytime and it was another fear and stress for Juliette.
Auggie hugged his girlfriend and what she feared to happen just happened. She tried hard not to yelp in pain as he just hit one place on her arm she had been cutting. Maybe he even reopened her wound. She tried not to worry too much about that because she was wearing a black blouse and she would go check her wound in the bathroom in a bit. She just couldn't now that she had just arrived in the lounge.
As Ezra saw David opening his mouth probably to say something unkind again and make everyone, especially Juliette, feel uncomfortable he punched him in the elbow so all David said was "ouch".
"Maybe we better try to get our homework done" Auggie said trying to have everyone focused on something else than Juliette. She appreciated that and faked him another smile. He just kissed her on her forehead just in case one of the counselors would come in. You couldn't be punished for kissing someone's forehead, it wasn't anything sexual. They didn't want to be punished.
They all knew the rules of Horizon, they could hear Peter's voice saying them all the time like a broken disk : "The rules here at Horizon are real simple; there's no drugs, no sex, no violence, no inappropriate touching. If you break those rules you'll be given a punishment. Anything you say to me or another counselor will remain private unless you give me permission to tell others. The only exceptions are if I suspect self destructive behavior or towards others".
"So" Shelby said, "What are you guys going to write about ?" she asked talking about the essay.
"Well" Ezra said, "You heard Peter, you have to write about your life and everything that's been going wrong, that kind of stuff"
"I see" Shelby said not happy about that idea, "Just a way to remember everything we're trying hard to forget"
They all groaned not wanting to talk about that part of their life. It's true that they were trying hard to forget about those things and Peter was helping them to get better. They were all wondering why Peter had asked them to do that. Did he want to torture them ? That was what they all had in mind. They just didn't understand why.
In fact, Peter had asked them to write about their life and everything they had been facing to try to understand them better because even though they shared quite a lot with him there were still lots of things left unsaid, that he knew. And he wanted to know. More than that, he needed to know in order to be able to help them even better, to help them face reality, to help them grow up from their mistakes, to help them get better…
He knew it was going to be hard for them to write about that and that it would bring back a lot of bad memories they were trying to forget and a lot of pain but it was needed.
They were all sighing as they took their notebook and a pen thinking about what to write and how to write it.
"Do you guys think we have to follow some special rules to write that ? I mean does it have to look like something with chapters or something ? Peter wasn't clear on that" Daisy said.
"Well, no I don't think so" Kat said, "I think that the important is what you write and not how you write it."
"Makes sense to me" Ezra said.
They thought about that and tried to write something for around an hour before it was group time and Peter entered.
They all sat as usual waiting for the new session to begin. Like always they weren't too happy about that.
It would always start the same way and they knew it.
"So, tonight we're going to start by…" Peter started to say before being interrupted by Daisy.
"Telling the way we feel" Daisy said rolling her eyes, "We know Peter".
They all laughed, so did Peter.
"Alright, I see you have a good memory" he said jokingly.
"Well, we're not all blonde" Kat said to annoy Shelby.
"Eh" Shelby protested.
"Alright, enough girls !" Peter said preventing a new argument that would lead nowhere, "So who wants to start ?"
Nobody raised their hand. Peter, as well as the others, was surprised to not see Juliette raise her hand as usual. She would always want to start but not today. She was barely paying attention. Just a confirmation that something was wrong with her. Peter wanted to find out but he had to wait for the right moment. He had to get to her, to get her to talk to him and tell him what's happening.
It would always make him sad when one of those kids wouldn't let him in and trust him enough to open up to him, he was sad everytime he lost a kid, everytime he felt kept at a distance or lied to.
But he knew that now was the time for group so not the time to focus on Juliette.
"So, nobody ?" he asked just to get a general groan, "Ok, well, Daisy you start".
"Angry, Ezra"
"Tired, Kat"
"Confused, David"
"Happy, Scott" David said always happy to see others in trouble or unhappy or mad or whatever.
"Weird, Shelby"
"Same, Auggie"
Peter gave them an unhappy look as she didn't answer but just copied Scott's answer but he didn't say anything.
"Concerned, Juliette"
She was daydreaming, she wasn't paying any attention and hadn't heard her name.
Shelby punched her a bit to make her move.
"What ?" Juliette said in an angry voice.
"Eh be nice, queenie" Shelby said, "I'm just trying to avoid you some problems that you might now have anyway as you were so discreet" she said with a smile.
"Oh, Tired, Auggie" she said the first thing that crossed her mind. And she didn't realize that Auggie had already answered that.
"I already did it Jules" Auggie said concerned about Juliette's state.
"Oh, sorry" she simply said looking at the ground not wanting to see anyone's eyes on her.
"What were you thinking about Juliette ?" Peter tried to establish some kind of communication but she wasn't ready to talk yet.
"Nothing" she said faking a smile, "I'm sorry, I'm just a bit tired, it's ok, everything fine" she managed to lie quickly, "I'm sorry".
No you're not fine Juliette, Peter thought, Why won't you talk to me ?
"So, tell me guys how are the essay and poem going so far ? Peter asked.
They groaned.
"Alright, I see" he said, "Don't forget it's due in 2 days."
"We know that Peter" Daisy said rolling her eyes, "You keep telling us"
"Just to make sure you know it" he said offering them his huge smile that always made girls find him really cute and sexy.
"So now I'd like us to talk about what was the best and hardest for you at home with your parents ?" Peter said knowing they wouldn't like it.
"Peter please no" Scott said, "C'mon you know how it was for all of us."
"True, we don't want to talk about that" Shelby said supporting her lover.
"Eh guys listen up" Peter started, "I'm the one to choose what to discuss about and…"
"Yeah, you don't care what we think" David said, "You never did".
"Peter why do we have to do this ?" Kat asked in a shaky voice, "First that assignment about our past and problems and everything we're trying hard to forget, and now this"
"I'm not finished" Peter said, "And David you know that it's wrong !" Peter thought about what to say next. "If I didn't care you'd be in jail right now and you know it. Most of you would be !"
Everybody was now silent because they know that he was right about that. Of course it was a special school for troubled kids, at risk teens as Peter always said, and it was better than being in jail. Of course they were rules to follow and it wasn't always fun or easy but they were friends, most of the time, they had a nice place to sleep, read, and do lots of activities, perhaps too much.
They knew they would be in jail if there wasn't this place as jail is the place to be for prostitutes, trouble makers… or even worse… they would be dead.
"And Kat" Peter said, "You know I always do things for a reason, just trust me on this, I just want to get to know you even better than I already do, I have to in order to help you better. My intention isn't to bring back those painful memories but it's needed here, I need to understand and I know that for most of you it's easier through writing than talking face to face.
Though you'll have to read what you wrote in front of me and the rest of the group, Peter thought. He didn't tell them that yet and he wouldn't before the right moment otherwise they wouldn't write as much as they need to.
Also, he didn't tell them that the assignment was now and not in a few weeks because he could feel that there was something with Juliette and it would be a good way to know what's wrong or how she's feeling, how she's been feeling all her life.
"So, Kat you start, please, just a few words, anything you want to share" Peter said.
"Ok" she said sighing, "My parents loved me since they adopted me and I always got along well with my sister" she said trying to not let the tears come to her eyes. "Then once she died my parents were too much on me, I couldn't cry in front of them, I had to be strong, I was all they had left and it was very hard".
"Ok, thank you" Peter said not wanting to bring them all to tears so he thought about stopping them after they said a bit, "Daisy you're next".
"Ok" she rolled her eyes once again as she sighed, "Seeing my parents drunk everyday, driving crazy with me in the car, me beating up my dad, I guess that was the hard part" she said as fast as she could to not let anyone perceive any emotions.
"Thanks for sharing… And how about the best part ?" Peter asked.
"Well, I can't remember anything good about being home" Daisy said.
"Ok" Peter said thinking about who to ask next, "Ezra"
"Easy" he said, "My parents don't love me and they're just fighting for me with their divorce thing"
"Your parents do love you Ezra" Peter said trying to be comforting, "You know it, they just don't know how to show it".
Ezra just shrugged. Peter didn't want to ask him about anything good about being home because he knew that the answer wouldn't be positive and he didn't want to hurt the kid even more than he already was even if, according to Peter, remembering painful memories can sometimes be a good thing and necessary.
"Juliette, your turn" Peter asked hoping she would open up a bit.
She faked a smile. "Well, I love my room and my friends and I don't like the way my mother's treating me and how she always wants me to be perfect and all, you all know that" she said without letting her fake smile drop.
Peter wished she had said more, like about her relation with food and her cutting but apparently he would get nothing out of her today. He knew there was more to it, about being home and everything, but he didn't want to push now.
One of the first things you were taught in psychology was to not push when it wasn't the right moment and that if it could do a lot good to get someone to open up and share painful things it could also do a lot of damage !
It's all about asking at the right moment and Peter knew that now, with the rest of the Cliffhangers around, wasn't it.
"Shelby you're next" Peter said.
"At home I loved being with my sister, I hated Walt… that's it I don't want to say more, you all know anyway"
"That's ok Shelby, thank you"
Peter wished she had shared more even though they all knew what was happening at home, it was important to him that they shared as more as possible with him.
Scott was next.
"I loved being some kind of leader, been good at sport, and I loved the time my parents were still together, then they got a divorce, Elaine arrived and married my dad and then at night…" he stopped not to cry "Well, you know".
"Thank you Scott" Peter said as Shelby put her hand on his shoulder to show that she was there.
"Auggie it's your turn" Peter said.
"I had lots of friends but being in a gang and dealing drugs wasn't a good thing, at home it was ok at times, my mother loves me very much, I know that"
"Thanks Auggie, David your turn"
"My dad and I don't get along very well" that's all David said.
"That's it ?" Peter asked.
"Yeah, that's enough" David said quite angry at his dad probably.
"Ok thanks" Peter said, "You'll try to share more next time".
He looked at all those faces in front of him and realized that none of them seemed motivated and they were all exhausted so he decided that it was enough for tonight.
"Ok we're done for tonight" he said as they all smile and got up, "Go to your dorm, lights out in 30".
Like always the guys would walk the girls till their dorm and would make sure there was no counselor around before kissing them and hugging them wishing them sweet dreams.
Only David and Kat were single. Of course that gave David some ideas.
"Eh Kat, don't you notice something sad about it ?"
"I don't even wanna know what you thinking of David, just shut up ok" Kat said knowing that nothing smart could come out from his mouth.
"Oh c'mon, have you ever thought of…" he said as he wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Eh back off, there's no way you're ever going to have your hands on me so don't dream"
"Ok ok I was just kidding, you should learn to laugh you know it's good sometimes" he said making fun of her.
"Go to bed David" she said wishing he would just shut up.
"Coming with me ?" he asked jokingly knowing it would get her angry.
"You're so stupid" she simply said as he walked towards his dorm and she entered hers.
The other girls asked about what was going on with David and she simply told them that he was a lonely jerk trying to get a girlfriend. They laughed.
They then all went to bed.
At night, Juliette woke up for some reason, she didn't know why, she wasn't feeling good. She had a quick look at her watch and saw that it was 3.07 am.
Wow, she thought, it's early why am I not sleeping ? And why am I feeling that bad ? I'm shaking a bit, what's wrong with me ?
She didn't know what was happening but she got up and went to the bathroom, she put some cold water on her face and when she had a look at herself in the mirror she was disgusted.
You're just disgusting ! she told herself, Nobody's ever going to like you, even less when they know what you do.
She sat on the ground and looked at her hands shaking and then she felt really hot, she was sweating a bit and found it hard to breathe, she was feeling bad. Something was missing and she knew what. She just didn't want to admit it but she knew as soon as she woke up.
A urge to cut, that was it, she knew it, she also knew what it meant, that she was addicted to it, that she needed it, her body needed it, her mind, it was so strong, that bad feeling growing stronger by the second.
She knew there was nothing to do to avoid it and that fighting would be a waste of time. There was only one thing she needed right now and it was the blade.
She went to grab it and rolled up her sleeves.
Without too much thinking she hit hard and deep, she cut on her upper arm where she knew that nobody would see and then on her upper leg.
After she was done she dropped the blade and it fell on the ground. Soon the blood and pain followed and she shut her eyes. The bad feeling was gone, she wasn't shaking anymore, she was able to breathe again, she felt better. Also bad for what she had done but that was another story.
She cleaned the mess and went back to bed.
The next day was like every other day except that Juliette would still fake smiles and not talk much. They worked a lot more on their essay and poem, sometimes together in the lounge, sometimes in their respective dorm, at lunch time, a bit of everywhere. They knew it was due tomorrow so they couldn't wait for the last second to do it.
…