CHAPTER 7

It was the day ! That moment ! It was 7.30 pm, they had just eaten, at 8 pm they had to go to the lounge for group with Peter and Sophie. What they knew was that they had to give their essay and poem, what they didn't know was that they'd have to read them out loud for everyone, Peter, Sophie and the other Cliffhangers, to hear.

They had 30 minutes left to read their work once again to see if there was nothing they could change or add.

Juliette was tired of reading her assignment, sad of having tears in her eyes all the time and it was the same for the others. They were all emotional in some way, David a bit less of course, and they didn't like remembering those painful things, moments, that led them to Horizon.

"Well, I think it's time to go" Shelby said looking at her watch showing it was 7.53 pm.

They all went outside without saying a word. The boys had been waiting for them near their dorm to go to the lounge with them. Just another excuse to spend more time together. Auggie kissed Juliette's forehead and held her hand. They came in the lounge. For once Peter and Sophie were already waiting for them.

"Hi guys, I hope you didn't forget" Peter started hoping they knew what he was talking about.

"How could we ?" David said with a grin, "You kept reminding us everytime you could" he said annoyed.

"I know" Peter simply said, "But it is important".

They all sighed as they sat down. Peter noticed right away that Juliette was still not doing better. She noticed he was looking at her and offered him a smile right away, a fake smile she hoped he'd buy but of course he didn't. Peter was hard to lie to, with words or body language. He could feel things, that was probably why he was so good at his job and he really enjoyed it, there was nothing more important to him than helping others.

Peter asked for their homework and they all gave it to him. Some had written a lot, some not much. He waited for them to sad down before telling them that they had to read it out loud.

"So, now that you're done with your assignment you can share it with others" he said.

"But, I thought it was private" Shelby complained.

"Well, I never said it was" Peter said.

"You never said it wasn't" Scott replied.

He made a point, Peter thought.

"It's a good thing for you to share your work, your thoughts, your life" Sophie said, "You're all friends now, we know about each others lives".

They weren't convinced so Peter decided to talk again.

"It is a good thing because you have to learn to share things, to share with people you trust, people you care about and who care about you too, and because some of you might be ashamed of some of the things that you wrote and you have to learn to not be ashamed of yourself. Nobody will laugh at you here, nobody will judge. We all come from somewhere, we've all been having a hard life, we know that, we're not that to compare or judge or anything but to share ! Of course I can't force you to read it out loud and I wouldn't want to anyway, it is your choice to make but really think about it, it's a good thing !"

They knew that once Peter had started talking he could go on forever and never stop. So the sooner the better, they thought.

"ok ok I'll start" Scott said kind of to make Peter shut up. The rest of the Cliffhangers thanked Scott nodding.

"So how do I have to do it ? I mean do I start with the writing or the poem ?" Scott asked looking at Peter and Sophie.

"It's like you want Scott" Sophie said.

"Ok" he said taking a deep breath as if he was about to make a big effort, "I was a great player, soccer was my life. I love my mom and once my parents got a divorce my dad started seeing that girl Elaine, then they got married and everything went wrong. At first she would come to my room at night when there was a thunderstorm and she would say she was scared and she would hug me to feel safe and then she would call me Scottie and get into bed with me and do those things to me, and force me to…" he paused to hold back his tears.

"It's good Scott you can do it" Peter told him, "We're all here. And if you feel the tears coming don't hold them back, let them come, I promise you that nobody will laugh" as he said that he gave David a stern look telling him that he better not open his big mouth to say something unkind and he apparently got the message for once. "Take your time Scott, keep sharing with us".

"But why do we have to do this ?" Scott said quite angry, "You know about us already, everyone of us knows about each other's story so why ?" was all Scott could come up with at the moment.

"Trust me Scott it will do you good, you have to share more and more. I know it's hard but trust me about this ok. I've never lied to you !" Peter said.

"Ok" Scott said ready to keep sharing what everybody already knew. "Then she would come to my room every night. She would say I wanted it but it wasn't true. I would ask her to stop but she wouldn't. She would say I had to follow the rules otherwise she would tell my dad about the drugs and everything. Because I started getting high because of her, of what she was doing to me, I needed to be high. Every night. In my room. I don't know how it happened. She would get into bed with me, start by touching my chest, saying I had a great body, say I was hers, I would belong to her, then she would take it in her hand and I would try hard not to show any emotions and she would laugh saying my body was always betraying me and that there was no need to fight cause she would always win anyway and get what she wanted. Then she forced me to write her love letters. She would take any chance she had to have her hands on me. Then I got sent here cause of my drug use and everything and one day my dad came here with that skank to have dinner with me and she touched me again while he wasn't around, with her hands under the table... I told her I'd tell everything to my dad and she said that he wouldn't believe me anyway, that nobody would, nobody would believe a junkie like me. Later that day in your office Peter I told my dad why I was getting high everyday. She denied as you know. After I told you what was happening at home you said you had to call CPS (Child Protection Service). I didn't want that ! I felt like you betrayed me ! The cops went home and found the love letters she forced me to write her and because of that they didn't believe me. How could a guy be forced to have sex with his stepmother after all huh ? Only girls can be raped, guys that doesn't happen so they didn't believe me when you said I had to tell them my story in front of a camcorder ! That made me feel even worse. My dad still won't believe me ! He said he had no son anymore ! I still feel dirty and everything is her fault. I wish that skank would die ! I can still hear her calling me Scottie every night. I have nightmares of her coming here…" Everybody could now sense some anger, pain and sadness in Scott's voice, which was normal. Most of them were having tears in their eyes.

"It's alright Scott" Peter said.

"No, it's not, she rapped me every night and they believed her !" Scott said with now the tears falling down his cheeks.

Shelby got up to hug him but he pushed her away telling her to leave him alone. She was upset.

"Ok, time for the stupid poem now" Scott said angrily.

"Getting high

Every night

Hoping she'd just die

And I wouldn't cry

In my room, in my bed

When I'm trying to rest

Starting by touching my chest

No more she had promised"

"I know it's not great" Scott said trying to calm down, "I've never been able to write well and even less poetry".

"You're wrong Scott" Peter said, "It's a really good and well written poem"

Yea you'd say that even if it sucked, you'd never say you don't like it anyway, Scott thought.

"And there's no good or bad way to write down your feelings" Peter added.

He looked at all of the Cliffhangers' faces and they all seemed sad to hear Scott's story once again with more details this time. Scott sat down beside Shelby and whispered he was sorry and she said there was no need to apologize, she could understand why he pushed her away.

"Who's next ?" Peter asked knowing that nobody would be enthusiast about that.

Kat got up.

"Thanks Kat" Peter said with a smile. She smiled back.

"I always loved my family, I'm glad those people adopted me, I love my sister. Everything was going fine, we were happy. Then one day I went for swim and I didn't see my little sister follow me. It's the last time we saw us. She drowned and I tried to save her but I couldn't. Now I have to live with that. With the fact that she died because of me" she said tears in her eyes, "I feel responsible for that and I always will. If I hadn't gone swimming she wouldn't have either and she'd still be here now. She died because of me, because I was stupid, I couldn't protect her. I'm guilty. My parents tried to make me understand that it wasn't my fault, I didn't understand how they could not be mad at me for what happened. She showed me their love more and more everyday and it was just too much for me. My sister died and nothing will ever make her come back. It should have been me, not her ! I should have died ! So, soon after that, I went crazy and started stealing things, I was very depressed and lost. I got sent here." she stopped all of a sudden, it was enough. Peter thanked her nodding.

"Good job, Kat" he said and she just slightly smiled, "But you know that it wasn't your fault ! You're not guilty, not responsible for what happened" he said trying to convince her. That's how he realized that she would agree with him to get rid of him in some way like most of them did as they wouldn't hear what he would say sometimes, people don't like to face the truth and hear what's real. So for weeks she had behaved like she knew she wasn't responsible when in fact she still thought she was.

I have to be more careful about that, Peter thought.

"Ok my poem" Kat said.

"You were my sunshine

My little sister

I should have protected you

I'm sorry I couldn't

Because of me you left forever

I wish there was something I could do

Every night I cry

You'll always be in my heart

Hoping I would wake up from that nightmare

Little sister

Just keep in mind

That I love you forever

"Well done Kat" Peter said.

"Thank you" she answered as she sat down.

Peter asked who wanted to read next and when nobody got up he asked for Daisy if she wanted to share. She just rolled her eyes as she got up to read her homework.

"I hate my house, I hate my parents, I hate everything. They drink all the time and get beaten up by each other, it's crazy at home. Since I was a kid mom would drive the car and I would be in it to go to school or when she would pick me up from school and she would drive crazy and I had to shut my eyes everyday and pray that nothing would happen, that I wouldn't die this way. One day I was angry at both of them, my dad was trying to beat me up, I took something and hit him hard… Then, I got sent here not only for that but also because I'm into gothic things and they couldn't stand that. And you all know that my mother died a few weeks ago and I had to go to the funerals."

She didn't want to hear anyone's comment about her life story so she started with her poem right away.

"My poem now, I called it 'I hate you' :

I hate you for drinking all the time

For beating each other up

For beating me up

For not treating me like you should

For not loving me

For not being responsible

For driving the car when you were drunk when I was just a child

For making me feel like I'm nothing

I just hate you !"

"Thank you Daisy, well done as well" Peter said as she sat back.

Shelby got up to read her work. She took a deep breathe before starting.

"I love my little sister Jess, I hate my mom, I hate Walt, my step dad. I mainly hate my mom because she's blind and never saw what Walt was doing to me and now refuses to believe me and says I'm a liar. He would come to my room and say I was sexy. He would take off my clothes and rape me over and over again and would say that if I told nobody he would do the same to Jess. One day I had enough, I ran away and realized I had no money. I started turning tricks and was a full time prostitute" she said as tears were falling down her cheeks, "I met a few girls, we became friends. We would get high to be able to sell ourselves in the streets. Then, my best friend died of an OD. I wish I died too ! The cops caught me and I got sent here"

Before anyone could say anything she read her poem.

"You deserve to die

Because in a bad way you changed my life

You changed me forever

With you dead life would be better

Everyday you would take off my clothes

And make sure the door's closed

Before causing me more pain

For everything that happened you I blame"

Everyone was getting more emotional as they would share their stories.

"Thank you Shelby that was well written" Peter said.

She sat back, Peter asked David to share his assignment with the rest of them but he didn't want to, he didn't say anything. So, Ezra got up ready to read his stuff.

"My parents adopted me to try to have a better relationship but it didn't change much, they're always on about their divorce and using me like a ball between them and I hate that. All they can do is yell. It was hard for me and I turned to drugs, after lots of bad stuff when everything went wrong I got sent here to meet nice people" Ezra said, "Sorry Peter that's not much I know but I didn't know what else to write".

"Don't worry Ezra it's ok" Peter said offering him a smile, "Let's hear your poem now"

"Ok here we go :

Too busy arguing

To notice I was there

You didn't see all the pain

That you caused me

I did drugs

To find what you didn't give me

Some kind of happiness"

"Thanks Ezra that was really nice" Peter said, "Juliette your turn".

She got up thinking about whether to share or not. Peter thought she wouldn't do it but he saw she would and hoped that she had written more into her essay, that maybe she talked about what was going on with her now".

"I'm a cutter, I have anorexia and bulimia. I hate food, I hate my mother, I hate myself and my body. At home my mom always made me mad, she wanted me to be perfect but I could never be. She would always tell me what to do and how to do it, she would command me and I had to follow like a soldier or a slave. She would be mean to me everyday bringing me down. She would get married to someone else almost every year. I started not eating much at all or making myself throw up after eating, trying to be perfect. It gave me some kind of control, power. I was finally able to decide something, make my own decisions, my own choices. One day when I made myself throw up I hurt my throat pretty bad and got scared. I started talking to nobody and keeping everything to myself as there was nobody I could talk to, nobody to confide in, nobody to listen, nobody to care" she said with tears in her eyes, "I don't really remember how or why but one day I was so angry and sad that it seemed like the only solution. I was in my room and saw my scissors near a book. It seemed like the thing to do, the only thing to do. I took them and without thinking violently cut my upper arm a few times. Then realizing what I had done I just dropped the scissors. I saw the blood on the floor and it was scary. But I felt a pain, a new pain I had never known or felt before, and it was good. It was the only thing I would focus on, I wouldn't be mad or sad anymore, I would feel some kind of soothing, calm, relief. I wouldn't think of anything negative for a while, I would feel quite good and wished that feeling would never leave me but it did after what seemed like half an hour. And then I would feel bad again, maybe even worse when I realized what had happened. In fact, it took me some time to face that because for a while I thought it had been a nightmare, I thought it didn't happen, I never thought I had done that, that was impossible, too weird. But the blood on the ground proved me it had happened. I didn't know what to think. I cleaned the mess and my wounds, quickly covering them with bandages and my clothes. I was feeling bad for what I had done and also because that feeling or relief was totally gone and nothing had been resolved. I was still mad at my mom and sad at the same time. And now I had scars to hide. Even though I hated doing that and was disgusted by myself and mad for doing that I did it again a few weeks later and then several times a week. It would make me feel better, it was great, I would feel good and not think about what was really bothering me for a while. Then, I needed to do it more and more, everyday, several times a day, everytime there was something upsetting me or everytime I would feel sad, angry, hurt, in pain,… I needed to do it, strong feeling, not just in my head. I would have to do it a lot more and would only think of that 24/7, the only thing in my head and it would destroy me a bit more everyday" she continued as tears would fall down her cheeks.

"Thanks for sharing Juliette, you can read your poem now" Peter wasn't quite sure what to say to not bring her down and make her feel bad, "It's really good Juliette, I'm proud of you".

She didn't even look at him, ashamed of herself and what she didn't say. She started reading her poem.

"I cut because of you

Because you made me to

You hate me almost as much as I hate you

You make me feel like I'm nothing

Everyday you make me hurt myself

Not knowing I'm bleeding

As I'm keeping everything to myself

Because of you I've become a mess

I wish I had the courage to press the blade harder

So I would lose all my blood and die

Reach the final relief

Not having to cut myself everyday

Because I need it

From all the pain I'd be released

You I wouldn't bother

You don't care anyway

"It's really good Juliette, you can do it, keep talking…" Peter said knowing there was more to it, "I'm sure you have more to say, am I right ?" he asked as she starred at the ground. Also, by her poem he noticed that she could be suicidal and knew that he'd have to keep a close eye on her. We'll have a lot to talk about together, he thought.

"I… I cut myself a few days ago" she said waiting for Peter to yell at her or punish her or something but he was calm, quite happy she had said it.

"And ?" he said trying to lead her to say more.

"And yesterday again, and today again" she said as the tears would be more obvious now and she would sob quite hard being mad at herself for letting her emotions take over and everybody could see.

"Don't worry Juliette, we're here to help you ! Everything will be alright" Peter said trying to comfort her.

"No" she said, "Everything's not going to be ok, you have no idea how it's like, how it feels like, I need it" she said between sobs.

"You're right, I don't know all those things, that's why I want you to share them with me, talk to me, tell me how it feels like to you, help me understand" he said hoping she would agree.

"I can't" she simply said.

"Yes you can Juliette, saying that you can't is the easy answer, you're stronger than this"

"I'm not, I'm weak" she said not daring to look at him or any other member of the group.

"You're not weak and you're not alone" Peter said getting up to hug her but as he did she pushed him away and left, he let her go but Sophie went outside to keep an eye on her.

"Thank you guys for sharing" Peter said, "I know it was hard for you but you can be proud of yourselves, I am proud of you ! Though I noticed that none of you mentioned your future, why's that ?"

They were all too sleepy and sad to answer but Daisy managed to say a few words.

"Because it's hard enough to live with the past that we have and try to get better in the present to think about the future" she said.

Peter found that to be an ok answer.

"Ok guys time for bed now" He said as it was quite late already, "Keep in mind that we're all doing a great job here, I'm proud of you and you should be too. It was great that you could share your story once again and with more details tonight. We'll talk more tomorrow" he said thinking about more therapy session and not always group therapy, more one-on-one therapy to see what everyone of them was really thinking and feeling and not have someone fall back into their bad habits and addictions like Juliette. He was still mad at himself for not seeing that, for not noticing, he felt kind of guilty. He knew those kids, he should be able to always notice when there's something wrong and prevent that kind of behavior. He knew he'd have to work more with Juliette and that it wouldn't be easy. She was less open to him than before, that he knew ! He had to establish that close link, that communication, again. And get to see the real Juliette between the lies and not buy everything I say but trying to really get to her and he'd get to that whatever it would take him, he would focus on that without forgetting about the other Cliffhangers of course. But right now Juliette was his priority. He didn't want the situation to get even worse. He didn't know that she was really addicted to cutting as he had no idea of what had happened last night when she had that urge to cut but he could sense that it wasn't just some little cuts she had done just like that.

Also, he wondered how come nobody had found some razor blade or scissors or anything when Juliette had been searched and her bags as well. He felt guilty for that too. They should have found it !

From now on he'd pay more attention to her. He'd be there to help her, that was a promised he made to himself. He wouldn't let her down, never. He was devoted to helping them all and that was what he would do and right now Juliette needed him the most even though she wouldn't admit it and wouldn't ask for help. Just like she wouldn't realize that she had a problem, he knew he had to make her face that and accept that first in order for her to stop denying and lying to herself, this would only make things worse.

He'd talk to her more tomorrow. He'd have to get her to talk about her cutting, why she was doing it again, how, how it made her feel, just as much as he could ask to try to understand. He'd also have to get her tell him what she used and how she god that. He'd have to find a way to get her to open up to him face to face and not just with words on a paper but he was ready for that, he was ready to give her all the attention and help she needed. She would get over that, she'd get better, with him helping her.

-THE END-

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