Viva Forever
Chapter 5 – Alex
If I went to University I could get a degree in something. People with Degree's don't live like this. Welfare isn't exactly made for doctors, and lawyers, and ad-executives. It's meant for people who work minimum wage jobs their whole lives, people who can't afford their own rent. My mom and her stupid ex-boyfriend are getting back together. They're drinking to celebrate, as if drinking is something of a special occasion for them. Hah. I was in a reasonably good mood today too. Was is the key word, my night at work definitely changed that.
I sit down on the couch. My mom comes over and joins me, and my god she is drunk. At least she is a happy drunk right now. She's leaning in really close to me, "How was your day, Lexi? Did you do real good in school? Make any new friends?" She asks. She is so just making conversation, no matter what I say she won't remember it. She never really does.
Honestly, the day has left me feeling pretty shitty. Paige has me thinking about this University thing. You could call the feeling hope. I hate hope. Hope gets shattered. "Nothing special today mom. It was just a day. There's a college fair on Wednesday" I tell her, "Paige wants me to go."
"She realizes you're momma can't dish out that kind of cash, right?" Chad buds in before she gets a chance to say anything. He leans over the back of the couch and grins at me. "University is expensive. How much do you think it costs, Lexi?"
"I know it's expensive." I say. I don't like looking at his stupid face, so I avert my eyes to the wall. Yeah, our smoke stained wall is better looking than his ugly mug. "I have a job though, maybe working full time I could take a few classes or something."
"Seriously, throw out a guess." He's persistent. He's slurring his words. I bet he doesn't even know what he's saying. I'm the only one who is going to remember this conversation. I feel sick again.
"A few hundred dollars a term." I shrug. I really don't know. I know it's not like by the class, it's by the credit or whatever. It's a lot of money, that's why it's a rich kid thing.
"Try several thousand a year." He laughs, like it's a joke. He think it's hilarious. I try to hide my surprise at that figure. A few thousand? Paige is insane. She has rich parents, and good grades, sure she can afford that. Why is she trying to drag me into the whole University thing with her? I won't get any scholarships and there isn't anyone to pay several thousand dollars for me. I knew University was out of the question for me. Hope shattered, that easily. I'm trailer trash. I'm one of those people destined to work shit jobs just to get by. I was a fool for thinking otherwise.
"I'll help you out in whatever way I can though, baby." My mom tells me, as if she can help pay for anything. She's more poor than I am. "You go be my little college girl."
"I just said Paige wants me to go." I say quickly, I want to drop the subject. It's all Paige's fault I was thinking about it. I'm not the college type. I'm just gonna to have to do something else. I don't know what. But something. I might just go full time at the theater, that sounds about right for my life. My life sucks. I get up and go to my room and I don't say good night. I lay down to consider my options. In the end I decide University is a waste of time to think about. Just stressing over it makes things worse. I feel like crap now. When Paige brings it up again, I'm going to tell her to shove it.
It's hours later and I'm still staring at my ceiling. The TV is blasting through the paper thin walls. He laughs. I haven't heard my mother's voice in a long while. I'll assume she's already passed out. Their little 'back together' celebration must be over. I'm not excited about it, them being back together and all. Chad is better than Dave was, but Chad is still not great. Chad is a moron with muscles. He's not malicious, but he still gets aggressive when my mother pushes his buttons. What is with bad boys and one Syllable names? Dave, Rob, Joe, Chad, Jay, Sean. I could list them for hours. If I ever have a male child he is getting a fifteen syllable name, that'll keep him out of trouble. Are there even fifteen syllable names? I try and make up one and I can't think of anything. Oh well, I guess that plan is out the window too.
Paige keeps bringing up University every chance she gets. Damned Paige. It's like she's rubbing it in my face that she has a future and I don't. That she has a wonderful lovey dovey boyfriend, and I don't. So you have a perfect little life Paige, shut up about it already. Am I jealous? There's this surge of wild emotion running through me, and it's all aimed at Paige. Jealousy is the only word I can put to it. Big green jealousy. When she brings up things like Banting, or Matt I just go crazy. It makes me all agitated, and flustered. I can't believe that I am actually jealous of her. It's friggin' Paige for fucks sake. I don't want to be Paige, do I? ARGH. I roll on to my stomach. I don't want to be Paige, what I want is to be asleep.
She's going to be talking about him all the time now. Just thinking about it has my grinding my teeth. What do I care about Matt anyway? He was a freak, what kind of teacher, student or not, hooks up with a 16 year old anyway? And what did she see in him, huh? Blah. I don't want a boyfriend like that. I don't want an asshole boyfriend at all. It's idiotic to be jealous over something I don't even want. What's wrong with me? I need sleep. Fuck Paige. She needs to back off and mind her own business, and I'll mind my own business. It'll be better that way, I'll have nothing to get stupidly jealous about. She can keep her Rich University and Yoga teaching boyfriend out of my life. These thoughts haunt me until I doze off.
I don't wake up feeling any better. I think I actually may feel worse. My first thought is about her and Matt. Today is her little date. I hope he's gained a hundred pounds and all of his pretty boy hair turned gray. I hope Paige makes an utter fool of herself. I want them to be miserable. That's what will make me happy, them not being happy. I drag myself out of bed. Today is gonna suck. I should just blow it off and go back to sleep.
I grab some clean clothes out of my drawer and throw them on. I walk through the living room on my way to the bathroom. Chad is passed out on the couch, my mom must have gone to bed. The TV is still blaring, and then my mom wonders why our electric bill is so high. I can see the fight already. I wonder how long it'll be until the first fight. It won't be long, I'm betting on it. I brush my teeth and fix my hair. My reflection had my attention in a way it never has before. Looking in the mirror I'm judging myself. I could be pretty. I could be a lot better looking than a lot of other people. Like, say, Matt for one. His grody face pops into my mind. Get out of my head! I shake my head to force him out. This shouldn't be getting to me so bad. This is all Paige's fault. I look fine the way I am, her judgmental side is making me retarded or whatever. I don't care about my image, that's part of who I am. I don't want to be Paige. I know I don't. She's a stupid popular girl, with loud and obnoxious friends who don't care about her. Why would I want that? This none-sense has got to stop, I like being me. Right?
I'm Sitting in class next to her. I can't stop brooding on how miserable she is making me. According to her I'm a loser because I'm not going to college. She's always so damned on top of the world looking down on all of us lowly ants. I'm stealing glances at her out of the corner of my eye. She's reading the chapter she should have read last night, here in class. I feel like dragging her down with me. It'll be just like old times, as if we were never friends at all. The teacher asks her a question, and she bull-shits a Paige-like answer. I snipe a rude remark, knowing it will start a fight. Of course she takes the bait, she's Paige. Her reward, detention. I couldn't be more smug. She's almost in tears, her perfect little life plan is in jeopardy. Oh my! Now I get her shift, and she gets to wish she were at her stupid little date. One up for Alex, and I say it serves her right.
The day at school ends, and I'm still very pleased with myself. Paige only glares at me as I walk by. I can't say I don't deserve it, I have ruined her life for one measly day. So I hurt her a little, it's not like she doesn't hurt me. I step outside, and head home. She did hurt me, cause that's how I feel. I feel hurt. My chest is all tight, my head is pounding. In a way I feel heart-broken. Life just sucks right now, everything is so messed up. Can you even get hurt from jealousy? Something just doesn't seem right about that. I've never been one to study emotions, though. I don't like them. I don't like feeling anything. I'd rather find a way to get rid of them. These emotions are really driving me crazy, I wish I could be numb. I don't even feel like I'm myself anymore. I wish I had someone to talk to...
Work is no solace. I'm here alone. I'm lonely. I wonder if Paige made her date after all. Maybe his plane crashed. That would be cool. Then Paige's boyfriend would be dead. I'd rather hear her crying about his death than spouting off good news about their upcoming marriage or whatever. I don't think I used to hate Matt this much. I think I even told Paige to go for it when she was into him. That was bad advice, why did I do that? Time is ticking by.
I turn to people watching. The couples are really getting to me tonight. I see them all cuddly and smiley. I hate them. I hate them all. There is this guy, and he looks like a complete idiot. He buys his little pretty blond girlfriend a pack of candy and a soda. He's buying her things, I think he must have to buy her things a lot. It's like purchasing a girlfriend. I don't know what a girl like her is doing with a guy like him. Just like why anyone would ever date Spinner, it's beyond me. I just don't understand it at all. These girls could do so much better. Paige could do better. Paige deserves someone who really loves her, and knows what love actually is. People like this guy in front me, and Spinner... they don't really understand love.
They are just using these girls. Real love is selfless, or whatever. It's all about her. Or him, in a girls case I guess. I never loved Jay. I guess don't know what love is like anymore than these guys do. I wish I did. When I fall in love, I'll know. Paige's date has to be over by now. Happy couple reunited. I sigh heavily and lean against the counter. I don't feel like working right now. The guy puts his arm around the blond girl's waste as they walk off together. Blah. I'm so spiteful right now, I need to get outta this funk. Tomorrow is that College fair thing, I get half a day off from school. Maybe I'll go do a little 'shopping' at the mall. That'll make me feel better, that's always a good rush.