Viva Forever

Chapter 7 Alex

I'm laying down on my bed. I came home right after I left school. I have to say, that college fair wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined it being. I watched TV with my mom and Chad for a few hours. I'm really glad I didn't have work tonight. I think Paige might have. Sucks for her, I bet she's still stoned.

I know I'm still a little high. That was some really good herb Matt handed over to Paige. I think it was the perfect parting gift, it gave Paige a chance to chill out for a bit. People who are freshly dumped totally need some nice distraction from their problems. Yeah. I'll remember that the next time I need to dump someone's sorry ass. Drugs'll numb the sorrow right out of them. Paige wasn't missing Matt at all while we joking around. She was happy. I love it when she laughs, even if it is too loud. I love being the reason why she's laughing. I love being the reason why she is happy.

She is too uptight. She worries way too much about, well, everything. She should have blown off the meeting with what's-her-face on up on high. I'd bet my pinky finger that she biffed the interview. She was too jacked up to talk straight. She was most definitely more jacked up than I was, and hell, I'm still feeling it hours and hours later. Other than her running off to do something she really didn't want to do... no matter how much she denys it... she was really cool today. I think that today I saw the Real Paige under all of her walls, her facade of the perfect princess. The real Paige was fun. The real Paige was more than fun. When she let loose, ah man, she had me laughing harder than I've laughed in ages. I really wish I could go back and do it all again. I wouldn't change a thing, I would just enjoy it all the more. Up until she insulted me...

Her inhibitions were shot, I know, that's why she was so fun. Of course, now I also know that Paige thinks I'm a failure, a loser, that I have no life and no future. She thinks I'm destined to be just like my mother. 'that's because you don't have a future!'. It hurt to hear her say it. Why did she have to go and say it, huh? I didn't provoke her or anything, I was just trying to help. If she didn't show up to talk to the woman she couldn't screw it up. A no show would have been way better than a fuck-up. It was that easy, and that's all I was trying to say. I wish she would have just understood what I meant instead of what I said, or my tone, or whatever I did to make her freak out on me...

Not that what she said isn't true...

My thoughts are interrupted by my mother's voice carrying through the wall. They couldn't wait one week without a fight. Not one simple little week. They are just talking in raised voices right now. Maybe I'll get lucky and it will end with that, and no more. I sure hope so, today was too good to ruin with another night of drunkards out of control.

They are a constant reminder of how true her words were. This is the story of my life. I have no future. I already came to this conclusion a few nights ago. She was just saying what is obvious. It was still uncalled for though, she shouldn't have said it. I don't like to think that Paige thinks of me that way. I care about what Paige thinks about me. That it's the truth is irrelevant, because it's bad. Having no future is a bad thing. Paige thinks bad things about me. I want her to think good things, because I want her to like me damn it! I want her to really like me...

Oh god. I feel like I've just gotten the air knocked out of me by a thought. I'm still high, maybe that explains the sudden dizzy feeling. I have to rethink those last couple thoughts, set them right. I care about what Paige thinks about me because I want her to want me as part of her life, that's all. I couldn't possibly want her... as anything more than a friend... could I? No! That's ludicrous! That's retarded! I can't have a crush on Paige, Paige is... is... a girl... and worse... she's a popular girl. She's a friggin cheerleader! Me, Alex, with a crush on some bimbo cheerleader? One that just insulted me because I'm not as good as her? No way. Not possible, it must be something else. It can't be a crush.

I close my eyes tightly. The yelling is getting louder. It's mostly my mother doing the yelling. She's upset with him over something or other, but I'm not hearing her words. My mind is drumming them out, no matter how tightly I close my eyes. I feel really afraid right now, and this time it's not of them. I feel afraid of myself. I feel utterly terrified of myself. All I can think is that... that... somehow I have developed a crush. A terrible, stupid, awful, lame, idiotic crush! I haven't had a crush... since... Grade 6. He liked me, so it was only natural... But it wasn't like this. This crush is worse, much worse. This crush is intense. I wasn't jealous of Paige, I was jealous of Matt. I'm afraid of her running off to Banting... I can't get into Banting... It... It explains everything.

This is so fucked up. I think I'm gonna puke. I roll out of bed and land on the floor hard. My head is spinning in a sickening rush. I crawl to my door and pull myself up with the door knob. I don't feel steady on my feet at all. I don't want to deal with the two of them, I can't talk to anyone right now. I practically run from my room to the bathroom. I slam the door shut.

"See what you've done now, woman?" Chad says to my mom, "Just leave me be. I'll clean up the mess tomorrow" Sure, whatever, throw me into your fight Chad. Thanks. My eyes dart around the dingy run down room. The sink looks inviting, I turn on the cold water full blast. I'm splashing my face over and over. The cold stings but it doesn't wipe away the horror in my head.

I can't even consecrate on their fight. If I could maybe I could go clean up whatever and stop it from happening at all. I still feel so nauseated, but less like I'm gonna hurl. What am I going to do? I'm asking my reflection. I look like the cat dragged me in. I have bags forming under my eyes, my hair is a mess and the cold water is still dripping off of my chin. I should have been asleep about an hour ago. What if I dream about Paige? I can't go to sleep... I can't dream about Paige. I can't be gay. I have to do something, I have to make this crush go away. What do I do? My reflection looks as hopeless as I feel.

Paige hurt me. Yeah, when she said I have no future. She gave me every reason to stop talking to her. I'm just going to cold shoulder her. If she stops talking to me, and I stop talking to her... That could work. Right? It's not like she knows my life. She is nothing like me. We are completely incompatible and have nothing in common. She has a future, and I don't. She said it herself. We're too different. I'm destined to work in a place like the movie theater my whole life. She can't get that. She won't get that. She's never going to know how depressing that is, to see nothing in your future. It's... scary. Not as scary as suddenly realizing you are into some chick though. This is so fucked up.

I lean against the bathroom door and slide down slowly until I am sitting on the tile with my knees curled up against my chest. I hug them, they seem comforting right now. They seem like the only thing that is comforting right now. I'm so freaked. That's really the only word for it. Now I'm going to have to watch everything I say and do. If I don't someone could see through me, they could figure it all out. What if Paige figures it out? That would be the worst, she can't find out. At any cost I can't let Paige know I'm into her. She'll freak worse than I'm freaking right now. What if Marco's gaydar or whatever goes off? Marco can't find out. He'll tell Paige, I know he will. I'm going to have to be strong. I'm used to hiding things. This is just another weakness I have to hide. I can't let this weakness slip at all, no one can find out. No one. This is my dirty secret until it goes away.

I can't believe I've fallen for Paige... It's friggin' Paige... seriously...

Banging on the bathroom door wakes me up suddenly. I'm still curled up around my knees, I don't remember falling asleep. I don't know how long I've been out. I stand up, noticing just how stiff I feel. I swing open the door, my mom is standing there. She is babbling at me, and she is in tears. I shake my head trying to clear the groggy feeling. Worse than anything I can still feel those evil butterflies zooming around in my stomach. She puts her arms around me, and pulls me into a hug. She is crying on me. I have my own problems right now, ma. I can't really feel sorry for her. She's not the one with a seriously bad fluctuation in her whole psychological reality. I might be kind of gay. The thought makes me wince.

"We have to go to the Women's shelter." She's telling me, "It's not safe here tonight. He just called saying he was going to come back, baby. He threatened me."

Of course he did. You were pushing all of his buttons. Chad has a little bit of a temper and he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed either. "Let me get my jacket." I say, and I manage to pry her off. I go into my room and throw on my jacket. There could be an up side to this drama right here. Being extremely tired might help me out in the end. I mean how can Marco or Paige see that I've got a lezbo crush if they're thrown off by the dark circles around my eyes? It will be a clever diversion if I do have to talk to them. I'm going to try avoiding the both of them. I'm going to go sit with Ellie for lunch, hell I'll sit next to her in class too. Ellie is oblivious enough, and even if she figures it out... she won't tell Paige. Yeah, she's a good friend. I need to hang out with her more anyway. Summer was all Paige, Paige, Paige. I've probably almost lost our real friendship over my stupid girl-crush. I definitely need to spend all the time I can with Ellie. I look at the clock, I have a shift at work with Paige after school. I'll just have to go with my plan, I'll cold shoulder Paige out. She insulted me anyway, right?