Viva Forever
Chapter 8 – Paige
The car pulls out of the driveway. She's mumbling to herself about how she's going to be late for work. She acts like it's my fault that they went and implemented this stupid rule around my grounding. I'm used to taking the bus; I like taking the bus. Having your mother drive you to school is so cliche, it's downright humiliating. I'm almost an out of school full blown adult, I'm not some little school girl.
I guess it is a little bit my fault though. None of this would have happened if I hadn't gotten high in the first place. I strangely don't regret getting high though. I know I should, is it wrong that I don't? Looking at my mother's expression, I know she thinks it's wrong. I'm a bad daughter, I'm going to be a failure. If I had just blown off Ms. Myers, as Alex suggested I wouldn't be in this mess. She was right, not that she is right most of the time. She seems to have the game of life figured out, and that's why I've come to value her advice over Hazels. So why didn't I listen?
I guess I just wasn't thinking. I was on drugs, and I was having a panic attack. I've never been stoned before, not once. I've drank plenty of times, which I know is a bad idea too. I kind of made a bad judgment call and smashed Spinner's car into Dean's and lost my liscence. That was a big mistake too. I don't regret it either, but I didn't mean to hurt Spin. I was only after Dean. Note to self: Paige plus intoxicants equals bad news. The next time a situation arises I just need to remind myself of that equation a couple of times. I'll come off as straight edge but it's better than me accidentally lashing out at the people I care about.
Ms. Myers called my mother as soon as I was out of her sight. I flat out told her I was high, I don't know what I was thinking. Actually, I do. I was thinking about Alex in that scouts glasses. I smirk slightly, even though I shouldn't be smiling. It was a funny though. The whole day was really funny. I lick my lips and try to wipe the smile off of my face, if my mom sees it I'll get another lecture. I don't need another lecture, I had a three hour long one last night. All of my privileges have been revoked, it's to school, work and then home until I get accepted into Banting. If I even get accepted into Banting. I can't be so sure I'll be accepted anymore, my mom made that very clear to me. She made me feel even worse than I was already feeling. I really choked on all the questions that Ms. Myers threw out at me. I'm don't even think I could have answered them if I was sober. Why do you want to come to Banting? I just do. It's been a goal for like forever, my mother planned helped me plan out my whole life plan. Who am I to argue? Matt was right, I have all the answers but I don't even know what they are the answer to. Dumped and grounded within 48 hours, could my life get a little bit worse?
We're almost to the school. My mom warns me about doing drugs again. She thinks I'm a pothead now, I'm an utter disappointment. I'm I tell her that I'm not going to do it again. She doesn't believe me, of course. She is in a really bad mood, I have to bite my tongue to keep from starting an argument.
"I have Spirit Squad practice after school today" I say instead as we pull up in front of the school, "wouldn't it just be easier if I catch the bus home? Or maybe get a ride from Hazel?"
"I'll be here to get you at four o'clock sharp" She says very sternly. I have to take my punishment, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I get out of the car and slam the door as hard as I can. I'm more than a little angry with her right now. I glare at the car as she drives away. Then I walk to my homeroom, I'm here way early. Getting a ride was quicker than the bus.
I should do some homework. I dig through my bag, seeing what needs to be done. None of it seems very interesting to me, I'm not very far behind. I was caught up at the beginning of the week. I haven;t really done anything since then though, I've been busy with my life. You know, getting dumped, getting grounded. I decide on History, the class I'm furthest behind in. I set the book out next to the computer and flip to the chapter that I'm on. The reading is extremely dull, but I force myself to concentrate on it.
Marco takes his seat next to me, pulling my attention away from another boring chapter. "How'd the interview go?" he asks with a grin. I shake my head solemnly, and his grin fades into concern, "That bad? What happened?"
"When I saw you I was..." I say it quietly, because I don't want any of the other people in the class to hear me "stoned..." His eyes widen. I swallow hard, I hate telling people I did drugs. They'll look at me different; They'll think less of me. "She asked me questions I wasn't prepared for, and since I couldn't think quickly...because of you know... I made a complete fool of myself. She's never going to admit me into Banting now."
"Woah." Marco blinks a couple of times. He's taking the news just like I would expect him to. "What did you say to her?"
I bark a short laugh. What did I tell her, he asks. I sum it up for him, "Something like the college fair was completely useless, I want to go to Banting because it's green, I have no idea why I want to go into business school and I'm so high right now." He's staring at me with a look of shock, "Yeah, it was that bad."
"That is pretty bad." He nods his agreement with me, "But people like her know teenagers do that kind of thing Paige, maybe she'll let it slide. You could get lucky."
"I'm not just any teenager Marco." I say with emphasis, "I'm the daughter of her best friend, I'm suppose to be above that kind of thing."
"Family friends are all the more forgiving." He counters. I guess he is right. My mother may be able to convince her that I'm not like that. It was only a one time thing. I know my mother still wants me to go to Banting. I hope Marco is right.
Alex walks in. I watch her walk across the room. She won't even look at me, she's that angry. I didn't mean what I said, I regretted it no more than three seconds after saying it. She passes Marco and I up, and sits down next to Ellie. Ellie gives her a strange look, and they talk in hushed tones. Marco is watching them too, I guess he followed my train of vision. He doesn't say anything though, I have no idea what he thinks of Alex's behavior. He doesn't know what I did. I wish I could take it back. I feel guilty.
I feel more than guilty. I have to apologize, I have to make her understand that I don't really think she has no future. Everyone has a future, even her. For saying otherwise- I'm a hag. Ashley's words had some truth to them four years ago. I am a rotten despicable friend-betraying hag. No wonder so many people hate me. I don't want to be a hag.
Alex avoided me like the plague all through our first classes. I'm set on talking to her, and I'm will do it. If she's going to sit with Ellie all day, I can work around that. It's not like Ellie isn't sort of, kind of one of my friends anyway. At lunch I lead Hazel over to the table Ellie is sitting at. She's sitting with Jimmy, so it's convenient for Hazel. It'll be some more time with her boyfriend, I don't think they spend enough time together anyway. So I'm doing them a favor, while doing myself a favor.
"Hey Ellie, Jimmy." I set down my tray next to Ellie, "how is Downtown Sash squash sounding with it's new excellent drummer?"
"I'm really not that good." Ellie says right away, then looks at me questioningly and asks "Why am I so popular today? You people never talk to me unless you want something. Alex has hardly spoken to me all summer. I didn't recently win the lottery and not know about it right?"
"Don't be silly hon, I just wanted to see how you were doing." I wave a hand at her suspicion. I hate how Ellie does that, that humor thing. I've never thought it was funny. "You are one of my friends, you know."
"Right." She rolls her eyes at me. I hate it when she does that too, it's my move. I think I accidentally scowled at her. I was trying to be friendly. She ignores my scowl, if I did, and turns her attention back to Jimmy. He had just exchanged 'hello's' with his girlfriend. "Craig thinks we really have a shot at this wedding gig stuff. We're going to start working on the new sound this week, he told you right?"
"Yeah, wedding gigs." Jimmy shrugs, he is obviously not happy about it his voice is thick with sarcasm, "That's going to be loads of fun."
Alex has just spotted us. She makes eye contact with me, and I swear I can feel how much pain she is in. It's not visible on her face, but I hurt her. I know it's a touchy subject with her. It was low-down and cold of me. I'm pleading with her silently. Please come sit down, please. She breaks eye contact, quickly looking to the floor. She turns and leaves the cafeteria, without looking back. She didn't even get any food. She hates me that much.
My parents hate me, my co-worker and friend hates me, and my college administrator thinks I'm a stoner. Drugs are bad kids, just say no. I sigh and pick at my food, I've lost any appetite I had. Eventually Craig shows up and Ellie is throwing herself at him in a verbal sort of way. He can't be that oblivious to her wanting him, can he? He is sure acting it. I guess ignorance is bliss, he gets to keep his friendship without hurting her. I can't say I wouldn't do the same if one of my male friends, that I had no interest in, was crushing on me. Denial has it's appropriate uses.
"What's wrong Paige?" Hazel asks me near the end of lunch, "You've hardly said anything."
"I've just been thinking. My evil parents grounded me until the end of the year." I explain, "School, work and home. No mall. No parties. This year is going great." It has me down, it really does. Matt still has me down too, I was dumped 2 days ago. That's going to be a long time in healing. I'm single again, oh yey. There is one thing that would make me a lot happier though. I want Alex to stop giving me the cold shoulder and give me a chance to apologize. If I can't even get Alex to forgive me, how am I suppose to get Ms. Myers to give me another chance?
"You'll find a way around it, don't let it get you down." Hazel tells me. She's right, I will most likely find a way around it. I've been grounded before, for worse things than getting a little stoned and ruining my University career. Or maybe not, but I'm Paige. I'll get my way eventually.
Alex must have went home at lunch. She isn't in class. She doesn't even think twice about ditching, it is so irresponsible. Getting stoned to go to the college fair was irresponsible too, but that was my idea. I can't believe she is this mad at me. I spend my time in class being lethargic. When the day finally comes to an end, I am equally as lethargic for our Squad practice. Luckily I don't have to do much. We already have the routine we're using for the up coming basketball game. We just need to practice it.
My mother is here, just like she promised she would be. I was holding out a little hope that she would be too busy to enforce the whole take me to and pick me up from school rule. That shred of hope is getting thinner. I'm frustrated with the day all together. I don't want to have anymore arguments, I don't want anymore lectures. I know I messed up. I messed up more than even she knows, and I feel terrible about it. I get in the car without looking at her. I don't talk to her the whole way home, either. She calls it the silent treatment and you know whatever, I don't care. I'd rather be silent and not make my punishment worse. If I talk, that's all that will happen. I have to think of what I'm going to say to Alex at work anyway. That's my top priority, patching up the friendship that I destroyed with seven stupid words that I didn't mean to say.
By the time I get to work I know what I'm going to say. I'm going to say I was an idiot, a toad. I was wrong, and she didn't deserve it. Then I'm going to tell her about how I'm suffering for my idiocy anyway, so she can be happy about that at least. She is at work before me today, that's a rarity. She is putting in new inventory on the register, and she doesn't even look up at me when I walk by. I come back around, the counter and walk over to the pop corn machine. She knows I'm going to talk, so she throws out a monotonous request for me to stir the pop-corn and not talk to her. There is no way I'm going to let our friendship end like then, she's going to hear me out. She can resume hating me all she wants after I put it out there. So I do, I say almost exactly what I had planned to say.
"What happened to the you not talking idea I had?" She does still hate me, that's so not fair. I tell her I was a toad to her. I'm begging here. She finally looks at me. It's not a happy look, then she turns away and says "But you were right."
What? "No. I wasn't. I'm not." How could she really believe that? She turns back to me. She has a very intense expression.
"Paige, I don't have a future okay? I don't even know where I'm sleeping tonight. The way my mom and her stupid boyfriend fight, I may be at home or I might be at a womens shelter. So how am I suppose to plan for something like University?" This is the Alex underneath it all. No wonder she has to be so tough, so strong. My heart is bleeding for her, she has ripped it wide-open. If I could care about my friend more, now I do. "No. I'm wearing this for the rest of my life."
"You're not" I'm pleading with her. She's not having it though, her mind is set.
I turn away from her and take a breath, "Good to know," I say. I knew her home life sucked, but I didn't know it was that serious. Come to think of it, she looks more than angry today, she looks exhausted. I feel even shittier now. She goes home to that load of crap every single night, I could never do that. My experience with Dean will last me a life time of trauma. If I was her I'd be afraid of my future too. Here I thought she was just mad at me for what I said, I'm so ego-centric sometimes. How am I suppose to face the future? I don't know myself, I don't know my friends. I can't control anything, it all just keeps slipping out of my grasp. I'm not in her position, and I'm scared about my future. How could she not be? "That's two of us that are scared."
I glance back over my shoulder and she is giving me a very peculiar look. Yeah, Alex, I know you are scared. You act all super tough and un-caring to hide it, I act all in-control and on-top of things to hide it. We aren't so different. "Friends?" I ask her, breaking that look. I watch her eyes re-focus, her mind clearing from whatever thoughts she were lost in. She's got a tough life, I'd like to be able to help her by being a good friend. We both need each other, she has to see this.
"Friends." She sighs and shakes her head. She thinks she is going to regret it, I can tell. She was probably processing how many other cruel and evil witch like things I can say to hurt her. I can't say I won't hurt her again, but I'm going to try my best not to. Heaven knows she has been hurt enough.