Viva Forever
A/N: These next few chapters may be slow in coming. I've been working on a project for something else, and highly distracted by a chat room... This chapter was written days ago, I just didn't feel like editing it, sorry about that. I still don't, but I will... reviews sure make me move faster, so thanks for the push guys.
Chapter 9
It's Saturday, the big Jazz Festival Saturday. Paige has been pestering me about it for the last two weeks, she even tried to get me to rally with her. Not that I don't care about people with cancer, or whatever, but I wouldn't call myself a very talented rally-er. 'Hey you! Over there, yeah, you. Come here, give me your money so some cancer victim might get a cure. What? This is it? Some change is all you have? Well, forgive me for saying this, sir, but you are one cold-hearted son-of-bitch... I hope you get cancer someday.' Yeah, no. Not my thing. It's not really Paige's thing either, she's only doing it because Ms.-what's-her-face Banting bitch's brother is dying from cancer. She'll do anything to get into that school, I swear.
Plus it keeps her mind off of Matt. She tells me these things, she tells me all kinds of things. I think she may tell me more of her secrets than anyone else she ever talks to. I love it. I love how she trusts me, how she cares about me, how she defends me even. She can tell me anything, and I can tell her anything. Well, most anything. I can't tell her how I feel about her. I can't believe there was ever a time that I hated her, even though I know there was. Now I can see how wonderful she is. I was just an ignorant jerk back then. My eyes are open, and I know Paige's worth. She is everything. I sound like a moron when I think things like that, it is so cheesy.
"Hey mom." I shake my mother's arm a little, she is passed out on the couch, "Mom."
She groggily looks up at me, "What is it Lex? It's not even noon yet."
"I know mom. I'm going to the Jazz Festival with Paige, I'm gonna be gone all day, don't know when I'll be back."
"Okay, sure, Lexi." She nods, I know she probably won't remember this conversation, Id on;t think she even comprehended what I just said. "You go have fun."
It's pointless talking to her. I fill up a glass with some water and leave it on the end table next to her. I've been lucky lately, Chad and her have gotten on pretty well this week. He's not here right now, he got some part-time job at a warehouse or something. The less time they spend together, the better. I grab my two tickets that I bought for this Jazz thing and leave my mother to her sleep. I'll just tell Paige that my mom had prior engagements, but bought a ticket anyway. Paige can be very persuasive, she begged me to get my parents to buy some tickets. I'm addicted to her smile, I'd do anything to know I was the reason she had a great day.
Like buying two stupid tickets to a festival thing I really have no interest in. Then even crazier going and getting lost on the bus and showing up after the Jazz festival is already in full swing. Swing, get it? Yeah, I know, that was lame too. I can't help it, I'm still in a good mood. I walk through the doors that the jazzy sounds are coming from. I instantly start scanning the crowd. I'm searching for Paige. I know she has to be here somewhere in the seas of all these jazz-fan heads. Paige and the others really did fill this place up, I hope all that money buys at least some progress on the cure to Cancer.
I see her up near the front, she is with her parents. There is one empty seat next to them, and only one of me. I have a fleeting thought that it could be saved for me. I know better though, it was probably for her gay brother. It's open though... could I really go sit with her and her parents? That would be a little weird, I don't think I will. I'll just have to catch up with her after the Jazz ends. I lean against the back wall, I'm not interrupting anyone right here and I have a good view of everything. Marco is sitting a few rows back from Paige, he has parentals with him too. He has more than just his parents, they all have a certain Italian Marco look to them. One even looks like he might be gay, kinda reminds me of Marco. Gay people, you can always spot them in a crowd.
The music is kind of dull to me, and I find myself wondering how many degrassi students have dragged their family to this thing. Scanning more of the crowd I see Emma Nelson, who I've never particularly liked. She is with Mr. Simpson, some short woman that couldn't possibly be her mother and a baby. Wait, Mr. Simpson has his arm around the chair behind the short woman, she may very well be his wife... Emma's mom. How extremely fucking bizarre. Emma is towering over her and they are just sitting down. The dark hair, the light hair. Heh. Crazy. Emma isn't watching the show either, she keeps glancing over to the left. Who is Emma looking at?
I follow her line of sight to some new boy at the school, I think his name is William or Peter or something, Peter sounds right. He's a scrawny little prep with pretty-boy eyes. He's smiling back at her. They are flirting with each other. I'm pretty sure he was the one who sent out that video clip at the beginning of the school year. What is Emma doing flirting with him? Does she want to get date raped? Some girls are just idiots, no matter how smart they pretend to be.
Yawn. I wish I were sitting with Paige. I'd enjoy this crap if I were sitting next to Paige. Just being with her makes everything better, she makes me feel calm and safe. The show drags on, and on, and on. I consider sitting down, but I don't really want to ask people to move so I can get into a seat. It can't be that much longer anyway, right?
Hey, what do ya know? Intermission. I walk through the people heading the opposite direction I am going. I'm trying to fight my way to Paige. That's why I'm here. I finally get to her where she is in the line of human cattle heading toward the door. She looks surprised to see me, like really surprised. I told her I'd come, I guess I had come off as sarcastic again.
"Alex" She says my name with a smile. It's not a bad form of surprised, I'm glad.
"Yeah." I grin back at her, I can't help it. I have so much I wanna say, but I feel tongue tied. I don't want her to realize I came just for her. I don't want her to see how obsessed I am, how head over heels I've gone and fallen. "Bought the ticket, didn't have anything better to do, you know."
"I'm glad you came, hon." She touches my shoulder. I feel a sudden head rush. There is a tingling sensation starting where her hand touched my shoulder right down to my toes. This is a better high than any high I have ever known. I wish she felt the same, I wish oh I wish. I'm still smiling at her, knowing it can never be. She's popular, she could never date someone like me. I'm just being stupid with this crush, but I can't really help it. I've done everything I could think of to stop it. No matter how hard I've tried it only gets worse and worse.
I follow her to the concessions, she's telling me how successful the event has been. She's even gotten herself ungrounded, her parents were that impressed. Go Paige. I'm smiling and nodding, I just love that she's talking to me right now. Here it is Saturday, day, and I'm talking to Paige. This has never happened before, it makes me really feel like we're moving up as friends. I haven't even seen Hazel. Hah! Take that Hazel, Paige and me are spending time together outside of work. Hahhaha!
"What are you so smiley about? I thought you said Jazz was lame?" Paige asks me.
I did say that, didn't I? Well, even Jazz isn't lame when I'm with you. Pour on some more cheese please, seriously. If I ever accidentally say something like that... "Who says I'm smiling because I like it? Maybe I'm wondering why the hell I'm at this stupid thing"
"Just admit that you like it," She rolls her eyes at me. I just shake my head and roll my eyes too. I don't really like it, I just like her. She can thinks whatever she wants though, if she likes me more if I like Jazz, then sure I'll like Jazz. I've already been doing little things to make her like me more. I've tried to take some make up tips and look less 'dark' because she doesn't like that. I've also been wearing less black, she has really responded well to the wardrobe fixes. I don't really get fashion though, so it's slow going. I'm doing what I can.
It's time to go back to the Jazz thing for a whole second half, the half an hour had rushed by way too fast. I catch a glimpse of Peter and Emma out of the corner of my eye. They're standing next to each other, looking in different directions but they are most certainly talking to each other. I bet they have some kind of secret relationship, how can no one notice this? Is it possible to have a secret relationship?
If it is...
It wouldn't matter how popular Paige is, we could be together and it could be a secret. It could work right? No! It couldn't. I'm getting myself all hopeful over something that is just flat out impossible. I need to stay sensible. Paige and I will never be, that's a fact and I just need to face it. It's just a silly little crush... but what if? I get so distracted in a day dream that I hardly notice that I sit in the seat that had been reserved for Dylan. I didn't mean to, I look over at her parents. They aren't even acknowledging my presence, so I guess it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Cool, now I can sit with Paige. Just being near her makes me so happy. I'm friggin' in love. I feel like a giddy little teenager, how pathetic am I?
I take every chance I get to steal glimpses of her. She looks amazing, she is wearing a deep red dress that makes her green-blue eyes stand out more than they usually do. The way her blond hair falls to the side of her face just ads to the shade and iridescence of her eyes. I love her eyes, I could loose myself in them for hours. I can't say no to her when I'm memorized by those beautiful eyes. There I go again, being all corny and stupid. I have to stop. If she finds out how... attracted... to her I am... God I'm afraid of what would happen. So far so good though, right? My secret seems a little safer than Greenpeace girl and her mean little prep boy. They are going to get busted. Amatures. I've already figured them out, and they aren't even that close yet.
I wonder what we're going to do after the festival is over. I hope we do something, I don't want today to end. I wish I could spend every minute of every day with Paige, but I can't. I'll settle for a few more hours. Just a few more hours, I'll cross my fingers. C'mon good luck streak.
The second half of the Jazz thing was much quicker than the first. They're already done, and people are standing up once again. Most of them are all grins and chitter chatter. Paige looks indifferent, a common look for her these days. Ever since Matt broke her heart and she fucked up her Banting thing she's been kind of down. Her lack of enthusiasm and higher levels of cynicism has been a real turn on for me though. I didn't mean that. I uh, damn it. I'm blushing at my thoughts, thank god it's dark in here.
We're just standing here. I don't know what to say, especially with her parents right there. What would they think if they knew I wanted to be with their daughter? I bet they'd hate me, maybe even want to kill me. It makes me nervous, yeah it does. So I just hover, letting my face return to it's normal pigment . I'm waiting for her to make the move, to offer a plan. I'm literally praying that she doesn't just go home.
Marco joins us, and he gives Paige a big hug. I feel a little flutter of jealousy. It's stupid to feel jealousy over Marco hugging Paige. For one thing he's gay, and for another, he's gay gay gay. And most importantly, I'm not gay. He asks Paige about Dylan's reserved seat. She tells him that Dylan couldn't make it, even though he did try.
"He was probably busy doing gay stuff." I mutter. Marco looks hurt by my comment, though I have no idea why. He knows Dylan is gay, he dated him for fucks sake. Everyone knows Dylan is gay, as Paige puts it he was born a flamer.
"He was bogged down on a project, beacoup homework. Which is something Alex wouldn't know anything about." Paige tells Marco. I bite my tongue, and it keeps me from saying anything else. I do enough of my homework, that remark kind of stings.
"Oh. Does he have... you know... a boyfriend?" Marco asks shyly.
"Why? You thinking about taking him back?" Paige asks with a joyous grin. She loves this gay shit. If only she loved the other side of the gay world. No, fuck that. Fuck the gay world. I hate it. I hate being a part of it. I feel so dirty, grimy, gross. Gay people suck.
"No. I was just..." Marco stumbles over his words. Duh he wants the fag back, he was oh so in love. Paige is just toying with him, she can be cruel sometimes. Is it wrong that I find that all the more attractive? My heart is beating so fast right now, I don't understand it. How can I want her so badly? How is this even possible? I've never even thought I could be into anyone this much, ever. I've always been such a loner, just happy with me. Even if it was me plus someone, that someone being Jay. I was still just Alex, and that was cool. "Just forget I asked, alright? I don't even really want to know. I'd rather just forget about him." Now Marco is gonna go all Emo on us. Poor gay kid. Just admit that you want the guy back, you're transparent and we can all see right through you.
"Why did you ask if you don't want to know?" Paige teases some more. Enough is enough, all this gay shit is getting on my nerves.
"Just drop it Paige. Can we go somewhere that isn't here?" I interject with an unfriendly tone.
Paige takes a deep breath, probably frustrated with how rude I just sounded. It's all this gay stuff, it makes me all edgy. It's like hearing it makes it all that much more real. Does that even make sense? Well, whatever. It gets to me, that's all. She finally shrugs and says "Sure hon, where to?"
I love it when she calls me hon, I hate it when I'm put on the spot. "Where ever." I shrug. Marco suggests the Dot. Always the Dot. Spinner is at the dot, and I loathe him. "Sure, the Dot's good." I say. I didn't like Spinner from the start, he came off as a moron. He was a bully, and an idiot. At least Jay was smart. He had me fooled for who knows how long about his fucking cheating. Spinner didn't keep his cheating urges hidden well at all. That day at work, my god I wanted to go beat the fuck out of him myself. I never want to see Spinner and Paige together ever again. It was like beauty and the beast. It was disgusting.
Then there was that back stab move he pulled on Jay that got him expelled. Not that he didn't deserve it. I still don't know why Spinner didn't mention my involvement, I did after all do the dirty work. The future wife beater deserved the humiliation. He didn't deserve to die though... I didn't know we would be pushing him that far. In a way Jimmy's paralysis is all my fault. Paige, I'm here with Paige. Happy thoughts, Rick is bad thoughts. See what Spinner does to me?
So we go to the Dot, and of course Spinner is working. Knew he would be anyway, right? He always tries to give us a discount, as if he can make friends again. Jay still hangs with him, no surprise there. Birds of a feather flock together, and they are some scummy birds. It's rather insulting that I allowed myself to be part of that flock before, they got me into a lot of trouble. Now I am way better off... other than the fact that I've got an unnatural crush on Paige. But other-wise, doing a hundred times better. I never needed Jay or any of his idiot friends.
We get a table, and I sit there and watch Paige and Marco discuss one thing after another. Craig is back with Manny, blah blah blah. Apparently Ellie was crushing on Craig, there was some sort of throw down. I vaguely remember Paige mentioning something about it last week, I think Ellie threw a drum stick at Manny. It's not really something I care about, but I love the fact that I'm here anyway. I'm part of their inner-circle of Paige. Sucks for Ellie I guess, she should have decked her. She's never really had the guts to just take what she wants. I bet if Paige found out I was crushing on her, she'd be right back with Spinner in a heart beat. I throw Spinner a glare for that. Fuck him. Lucky bastard, he didn't deserve her. He's not worthy of Paige.
Not that I'm saying I am. I look back to her. She looks so hot in that dress, it accents her curves so perfectly. I'm checking her out again. I can't be doing this, it's wrong... but she's so alluring. Her hair was done up fancy for the occasion, the way it's falling across her face... I shift in my seat. I don't like this feeling, this is the bad side of the crush. My heart is doing that racing thing again. Is it hot in here?
"Hey, Alex?" Marco asks, seeming to notice me for the first time since we got here, "Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah.Fine.Why?" I say quickly. Too quickly, like a kid who just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Alex, don't be stupid! Keep it cool... keep it cool. Why did he have to notice me now? What if his gaydar is going off?
"You look a little flush, hon." Paige tells me. Yeah, I know I'm flush, I'm blushing like mad right now. What the fuck do I say? How do I get out of this mess?
"Do I?" I ask. What the fuck was that? I gotta get out of here, I'm digging my own grave. "You know what? I gotta go, things to do, all that Jazz." I say. I made another pun. Paige caught it, she smiles at it. She actually likes puns. We've had some real fun with puns and other childish jokes at work. I stand up as suddenly as the tide had turned on me. I need to back myself out of this corner, the only real option I see is to bolt.
"See you at work then." Paige says. I wished she had asked me to stay. She doesn't care at all that I'm leaving. How depressing.
"We just got here, you sure?" Marco asks what I wanted Paige to ask. It doesn't make me feel better in the least. I nod my head and say I'll see them both later, then I'm out of there.
I'm walking home, it's late afternoon now. My shadow is long in the setting sun. Man, that was close back there. I have to be more conscious of myself in the future, if I don't people will see through me. They'll know, Paige will know. As long as Paige doesn't seem to have any feelings for me, what good would anyone knowing do me? None. It can only make things worse. If Paige ever shows real interest in me... well then maybe I could tell her, and then even more unlikely... but I can dream... we could have something like Peter and Emma.
Being away from Paige is already making me hurt. I can hardly wait until my shift at work tonight...