Thanks to the positive reviewers, I have decided to extend the fic! Yippee hurray (…think about the brainwash scene in Zoolander. You'll get it.)! And if the prologue was screwed up, remember: I've still got more insane ideas left. ) The names in the soap opera scene were stolen from La Madrastra. I never saw too much of it, but I've seen some of it on "The Soup". Anyway, enjoy!
Harvest Moon: Doom the Homeland
Chapter One: A Mission Begins
Jack was laying in bed, quivering in fear. He was having a dream that the Harvest Goddess was killing him by sending electricity through every cell of his body. But remember, it was only a dream.
After all, the sprites and whatnot were all just dreams, right? Well, it would be easier on Jack if it was.
The young man immediately jumped out of bed, sweating in terror. He was breathing rapidly, as the electric-shocking fairy woman disappeared from his mind. The nightmare was gone, and all was right with the world.
Sigh, they don't pay us narrators enough to lie. "Wait a minute…"
Jack's plasma TV, his hot tub, his solid gold couch, it was all gone! All that was here was a crappy bookshelf, a TV engraved with hieroglyphics, and a dangerously unstable bed. Shocked, the young man ran outside, only to the farm of his dead grandpa.
"NO!" Jack shouted, yelling into the clouds. "Why am I here? I thought I just had too much to drink one night…"
Suddenly, and incontinently, the trio of gnomes appeared in front of him. "We're baaaaack…" they said synchronously.
"Get the hell away from me," spat Jack, hoping that he at least brought his shotgun with him.
"All we wanted to do was give you a tour of your new farm," muttered Nak.
"Don't you see that he's going crazy?" Nik said to his friend. "Maybe he just needs some time to deal with the fact that he can see elves and that he'll never get a girlfriend because he's stark raving mad."
The boy reached for a backpack he saw laying in the dirt. All that was there was a rusty watering can, a hoe, a pack of seeds from fifty years ago, and a sickle. A good ol', razor sharp, illegal in two major nations sickle.
With a grin on his face, Jack jumped into the air. In a gravity-defying leap, he ended up on top of the chicken coop. The sprites stared at the empty space where Jack was. In a few seconds, they realized he was gone.
That was enough time for the enraged male to jump down onto the exact location of the sprites. With a swift slashing motion, a bloodbath began.
In a few minutes, the Harvest Goddess floated onto the pasture. At that time, Jack was strangling Nik and threatening him with his scythe.
"Jack?"
Jack recognized the female voice and dropped the Harvest Sprite onto the ground. Nik ran up to the goddess, breathing quickly.
"Goddess, this madman tried to murder us! And just because we said people may find him a bit odd… And because we made the soil half as fertile as it once was just to spite him… And because we told his girlfriend in the city that he was gay…"
"You did those last two things too?" spat the angry young man, about to split the sprite in two.
"I think he's just acting tough," injected the Harvest Goddess, causing Jack to stop the blade right in front of Nik's stomach. "Deep down, he's just a teenage boy who wants the villagers to respect him. He thinks being tough is the only way to do that."
"Er…sure…" said Jack, dropping the sickle onto the dirt. "That's definitely it." He gave an obviously fake grin. "I'll just be digging in the soil for now."
"Good luck!" the goddess said cheerfully before floating away. The nervous sprites followed her closely.
The young man sighed in relief, then he picked a hoe from his backpack, along with a bag of seeds. He poured them into his palm, almost expecting the ancient seeds to break into dust.
Groaning, he dropped the seeds into soil that was eroded by his fight with the Harvest Sprites. He swiped another area of soil with the hoe, causing a large chunk of copper to fly out and into the air. Jack ran towards it and placed it in his backpack, then ran off into the town.
The farmer saw a simple looking house with a giant pile of garbage. Jack walked inside, only to see a scientist with long black hair and glasses sitting behind the counter.
"Hi, I'm Louis," the man greeted. "This is the tool shop."
The shop owner's eyes became focused on Jack's legs. Suddenly, he remembered that he ran out of bed undressed.
"What an annoying cliché, eh?" Jack muttered. "Do you have any idea where I can buy clothes?"
"Do I look like I'd know? Luckily, a hobby of mine is stealing sets of clothes from people." Louis tossed some clothes identical to Jack's other ones.
"Er… thanks…" he said, not wanting to question Louis's kleptomania. "Shouldn't you clean up the huge pile of useless crap outside?"
"Fucking environmentalists," the man muttered.
Jack ran.
Nearby, the young man entered another building, decorated by the garden outside it. Inside was a beautiful, pink haired woman standing behind the counter. She smiled and approached him.
"Hi, I'm Lyla!" she greeted cheerfully. "You must be Jack, the guy I was told about, right?"
"Yeah…" he replied, staring at her pink hair. Like many (…well, a few, anyway) people in the world, he had a weakness for pink hair. "I'm here to stop the construction."
"Er… good luck, I guess." She was still smiling. "Do you need any plant seeds? Flowers? Hair dye?"
"Um… some tomatoes, I guess." Jack dropped a few gold coins on the counter and took a crimson bag of seeds from the florist.
"Come again!"
As he left, Jack immediately shouted, "Pink haired women! Crazy-ass blacksmiths! I love this place…"
The young man walked by into a building with a board hanging near the side. Inside was an older, mustached man.
"Hello, I'm Ronald," he greeted. "You're Tony's grandson, eh?"
"Yeah," Jack replied. "I'm Jack. I'll be taking over the farm."
"I was a close friend of his," Ronald recalled, stroking his chin. "Tony, and that son of his… I was this close to being caught with ten illegal firearms, but they…well… 'fixed' that problem."
The farmer began to sweat nervously, then slowly inched away from him, until he finally ran away in panic.
"Pink haired women, crazy-ass blacksmiths, and now supermarket owning mobsters…"
Ronald burst into laughter. "Oh, my wife always told me not to joke like that, bless her soul." He turned around, only to see that the young farmer was gone. "Eh, I'll tell him I was joking some day."
A rugged looking man wiped tears from his eyes as he stared at the television. At the time, a Spanish soap opera was airing. He took a cardboard box of tissues to help him dry his eyes.
"How could you, Demetrio…?" he sobbed, blowing his nose. "You and Rosa can never go back to how it was in the first season now…"
Suddenly, Jack pushed open the split doors, causing them to swing back and forth. Immediately, the man fired a pistol and the television set, causing dozens of sparks to light up the building.
"What do you want?" the owner of the building spat. "This is the Brownie Farm, an' I'm the owner, Bob."
"Hi, I'm Jack," the other farmer replied, not afraid of the gun-brandishing man. "I'm a new farmer."
"I take it you may want to do some part-time work?" Bob said, still acting like a tough guy. "Pays well, but be warned: the last guy screwed up, and no one found the body yet."
"Um, you're knitting a sweater," Jack pointed out, causing Bob to sigh and place it under his desk. "But I'll take the job anyway."
"Yeah, no one falls for it." The Brownie Farm owner sighed and pointed to the door. "You're hired."
Jack left, while the older man picked up his TV set and frantically tried to repair it before Bruno and Alba's big wedding.
The young man stared at the vast fields. Happy horses were galloping merrily, and a single cow was gleefully joining them. And then Jack kicked a rock forward, causing it all to shatter.
"Damn holograms," he muttered. (I could have inserted another flashback here, but really, would you really want to know what the hell happened? I think not.)
The pasture before him was almost a contradiction of everything he saw. The horses all had eye patches and cigars. The one cow that was there was hiding in the corner, shivering in fear of the equine mob. Jack shuddered.
"What the heck have I gotten myself into?" he said to himself, shaking his head. "I'll never survive here. Give me one reason to keep this job of tending to these..."
Suddenly, a beautiful girl with purple eyes and blonde hair in a ponytail walked by.
"HI, I'M JACK! WHERE DO YOU LIVE?"
The young woman turned around in confusion. "Oh, you're Jack, the farmer guy." She looked somewhat angry at just about everything. "I'm Gwen."
"Yep," he replied. "But I think I have to quit this job, 'cause it looks like the horses will--"
"I just love animals, don't you?" Gwen asked, ignoring Jack's utter paranoia.
"YES!" Jack responded, acting enthusiastic even though he was afraid of a few horses. "Now that you know I like animals too, will you date me?"
She ignored the last sentence. "I'm glad that there's another farmer now. I can see even more animals at your place."
The young man was overjoyed. That meant she would visit him.
"Oh yeah, and one more thing…" she added, getting closer and closer to Jack. He blushed, anticipating a kiss. "Once this year is over, I'll be stuck living in the city for the rest of my life, and I'll never see any animals again. So if you let even one of them die, I swear to the goddess that they'll find you floating in the pond with your skull broken."
"Wow…" droned Jack. "She'll visit me at my farm…"
Then he began working, because Gwen might kiss him if he became a successful farmer.
…
Just let him have his impossible dream, okay, people?
Next time on Harvest Moon: Doom the Homeland: Lost in the Wilderness
Jack's first day in town still isn't over! After finishing his part time job at the ranch, the farmer wanders around for several hours, trying to find where the hell he is. And Jack has already met girls with purple and pink hair, but what about blue…?
I love my reviewers. You gave me the inspiration to continue this.
lscgal- Yes, and here it is! Thanks for reviewing.
Erin- I'm happy that you enjoyed it. I'll keep writing it as long as I still have some ideas. And with my hyperactive imagination (or overactive, either works), it should last a while.
Kairi7- You have just given me one of my favorite reviews EVER. If you review again, can you please inform me of what is weirder than dogs with guns (I'm afraid yet fascinated at the same time...).