Harvest Moon: Doom the Homeland

Chapter Four: Fish from Hell, Part Two (Come on, people, what did you expect?)

And the epic conclusion to Fish from Hell is here! Watch as the goddess does stuff! As Gwen acts violent! As Jack acts stupid! As I reference two books, only one of which I actually like!

"He's a lost cause," sighed the pointy-haired young man, stating it calmly. "Joe's obviously got him to join that crazy hobby of his."

"Jack has to be okay," Gwen said. "Kurt, don't you have any idea how to bring him out of this fishing-induced coma?"

The farmer drooled, as he had been doing for the past two hours, gazing at the water. He continued to struggle with the fish, desperately pulling the line towards him. The expression and position of his face remained unchanged, which, after a while, began to look damned creepy.

"I think we should shoot him," Kurt suggested seriously. Well, at least as seriously as that sentence can be said. He then decided to read a classic piece of literature instead of participating in this tasteless satire.

"Jack, the church is on fire!" (Obviously, you didn't follow Kurt's example.)

That statement would wake up a normal human, but there wasn't even a church nearby. And even if there was a church, Jack was still in a trance. And even if there was a church and Jack wasn't in a trance, he would have (spoiler…) suffered the fiery fate of a certain character in the book The Outsiders.

Wait, a spoiler in the narration of a fic? Oh, how the quality slides. During the time period in which the narrator shamelessly debated the writing of this event, nothing of great importance happened. Jack was still fishing while his frantic acquaintance was worrying about him.

"Jack, they're trying to tear down our town!"

That would be a reality if Jack didn't get off his lazy ass and farm. But the addictive nature of fishing blocked the farmer's acknowledgement of the outside world.

She sighed, knowing that there was only one thing that would wake him up. "Why did it have to come to this?" she groaned. "Jack, my shirt fell off…" The blonde tried to make her voice sound as flirty as possible. In reality, she would rather have stabbed Jack. "…can you help me find it…?"

It had no effect (causing people worldwide to gasp in horror), but Kurt dropped his copy of Our Town as soon as he heard Gwen speaking.

"THAT'S IT! THERE IS NO HARVEST GODDESS!"

Unlike the farmer, Gwen never had contact with a supernatural being every single day. In a fit of pure frustration, she grabbed Kurt's saw and through it over the trees and into the forest.

"You do realize that you probably killed a squirrel, right?"

"Shit!" The female smacked her forehead, not even caring that she had actually impaled the very deity she had cursed earlier.

The goddess's eyes narrowed as blue blood trickled down her face. It eventually evaporated into the lake she slept in every night.

The purple haired girl swam through an underground portion of the lake at a fast pace. Her anger was completely out-of-character for her, but getting stabbed in the head can do that to someone.

She shot out of the water, spraying large amounts of water into the direction of the carpenters' hut. The goddess immediately fired to large, green rays into the water, hoping that it would send more water at whoever attacked her.

Unfortunately, she merely contaminated the ecosystem more. The fish quintupled in size, about to devour anything in site. The goddess vanished, her normal personality slowly reappearing.

As you could tell from the lack of "HOLYSHITI'MGONNADIE!" and soiled pants, Jack was still in a coma. Gwen thought she could kill the monster easily. Kurt had resumed working, as Gwen would have threatened him if he did otherwise. Perhaps it was about his response to the shirt statement.

"He's lost it." The female sighed. "Oh well, another farmer could pick up the little work he actually did if Jack dies."

She was about to toss him into the mouth of the sea monster and get it over with, but instead changed her mind.

Pushing him into the water would require less strength.

The Harvest Goddess sat on top of a tree, after completely forgetting the painful incident. She looked down on the lake, only to see a giant glowing fish about to swallow Jack. As easily as she could have pointed and reduced the fish to dust, it would have led to people finding out she existed, leading to bizarre cults. Again. And she'd be damned if those Christian fanatics started showering her in holy water. Again.

She jumped down from the tree, not affected by a fall that would normally kill a person. The goddess managed to pause before she hit the ground. However, if another sharp object was flying at her while she was sleeping, she'd be gushing blood.

So, technically, if a saw had hit her while she was sleeping and the public saw that she wasn't deceased, the cults would still exist. She was thinking of the very same explanation, as Jack was being viciously mauled.

"Well, how inconvenient." The farmer had regained his consciousness. "I was about to catch a huge fish, and someone had to take away my fishing rod!"

The fish he was so eager to catch was the monster that had a giant fang imbedded in his leg. Gwen was just watching the whole thing with little emotion.

"GWEN, HELP ME!"

"Well I'll be damned, you're back." She was slightly relieved, but her tone remained somber. "Well, for now; at least until it chews you to bits."

"Just. Fuckin'. Great." Jack's sarcasm does not need to be explained, as any sentient human could detect it. Most humans, anyway. "Couldn't you be doing to something to- I don't know- HELP?"

"Hey, I'm tough, but I'm smart enough to know that no one's dumb enough to save you. Sorry, Jack." She forced an apologetic smile afterward.

But before all hope was lost, the Harvest Goddess ran out. She was disguised as a teenage girl, dressed entirely in black. Surely someone as suicidal as an emo teenager would do something crazy like rescue Jack!

She jumped onto the scaly fish monster and unsheathed a knife. However, that opened up a new problem: would it be more in-character for her to kill the monster heroically or to slit her wrists? Damn the goddess's love of acting!

"Um, are you okay?" Jack asked as he saw the disguised deity scratching the top of her head furiously.

"I'll just stab the stupid thing!" The Harvest Goddess stabbed the beast with the knife, pushing it in with the strength of a fifteen year old girl. The damage inflicted by the tiny blade was the equivalent of being hit by a ball of paper. "Oh, whatever!"

The goddess, obviously fed up with trying to kill the beast by non-divine ways, waved her arms. In an instance, blue-green light enveloped the land and all the hideous freaks of nature were gone—well, okay, Jack was still there.

The farmer plummeted to the dirt, but thankfully landed on his feet. By the time he jerked his head around to see what happened to the girl, almost everyone was gone. Only Gwen was left standing behind him.

"Why did you let that thing try to eat me?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"I assumed that it would be best for the village's economy if your death wasn't delayed," she admitted coldly. "I thought there'd be some way to save my home!"

"By killing ME?" snapped Jack. "What the hell would that accomplish?" Remember when you decided to work with animals so she'd like you? The quiet, sane voice in his head reminded him. Remember that, dumbass?

The blonde began to walk away. "If you tried to contribute to society, maybe you wouldn't be used as bait so much."

A grin slowly formed. The farmer finally had a clue of how he could gain Gwen's love without screwing up…

…in theory, that is.

Next time on Harvest Moon, Doom the Homeland:

Chapter Five: (Currently Untitled)

Jack buys a chicken. But can his desperate attempts to nurse it back to health succeed? Will he need to rely on some of his friends? Does he have any?