A/N : Okay, I admit that this chapter isn't quite so funny…but beauty products are a serious subject, folks!
AJ - Thank you for the clarification. Perhaps I should have taken biology class in high school, after all, hmmm :-)
Day 2 (pm…really pm…late pm…look, it's dark out…you get the idea right?)
A soft knock followed by a quiet "sir?" caused O'Neill to look up from the MALP report he was reading…or rather more like staring at. O'Neill had a theory that if he looked long enough at the report and went cross-eyed, he'd find hidden messages in it.
"Yeah, Carter?"
The doorknob jiggled but the locked door remained shut.
"Can I come in, sir?"
"Uh…now?"
"No, sir, in five minutes."
"That would be preferable…"
Sam heard a bang followed by a muffled "oof!"
"Sir? Are you okay?"
"Fine. I think I broke a finger nail." Jack shot out while looking at the offending cuticle's ragged edge.
"Sir? Please, can I come in?"
"Oh, fine." The click of the door unlocking was heard. "But no laughing."
Sam entered her C.O.'s quarters.
"Sir, why would I lau…wow….ummm….it's green."
"Yes. It's green, Carter. Don't you like green or do you have something against that colour?" Jack snapped.
"No, sir. I like green just fine. But it's green and it's on your face."
"It's called a masque, Carter. You know, one of those beauty thingies that you women love so much."
Carter arched a blonde eyebrow.
"Indeed, sir." Sam paused. "If I may ask, sir…why do you…"
"Because, you made a valid point about seeing how the other half lives. I want to know what you women find so damnably fascinating about these things and why you spend so much money on beauty products." Jack thumbed over his shoulder to a table covered in creams and toners and hair dyes and make up and stuff. "Besides, I don't intend on being a woman forever and whatever insight I gain now might make me more popular with the ladies later on."
Carter licked her lips as she looked at all the products.
"That's a lot of stuff, sir."
"Yeah, and the weird part is that I don't know what half of it does." Jack got a look in his eyes. "Hey, maybe you can tell me."
"Sorry, sir. But beyond the basics, this is unknown territory for me, as well."
"But you're a scientist…help me figure it out." Jack sniffed the air. "What is that smell?"
"Popcorn, sir." Sam held out the still steaming bag.
"Yes, that part was obvious. I smell something else." Jack stepped closer to Sam, delicately sniffing the air. He leaned in to the side of Sam's neck and inhaled softly. Gently, he nuzzled her neck. She gulped.
"Cologne, Carter? Popcorn and cologne? Is this a date?" Jack's eyes twinkled as he took a step back.
"Hardly, sir. Like you…just experimenting."
"Well…it's a nice scent and I didn't figure you to be an Old Spice kind of guy."
"Tommy, sir."
"Who's Tommy?"
"The cologne, sir."
"Ah." Jack frowned.
"Sir, if I help you with this stuff…can you take off the masque? It's really starting to freak me out."
"I hope I can…it's supposed to be one of those peelable ones." Using his thumbs, Jack rolled the edges of the masque up and over his chin. With a few tugs and careful pulls, the masque was removed. Jack looked at the inner side.
"Carter! Look!" He pointed at the inside of the masque. Carter stepped over. "I think I just found a new life form!"
Sam rolled her blue eyes and in doing so, noticed the forgotten report lying on Jack's bunk.
"MALP, sir?" She asked.
"Yeah for all the good it did. I've read more useful information inside the instruction manual for a toaster."
"You've read an instruction manual, sir?"
"Surprised you didn't comment on my ability to read, Carter."
"One insult at a time, sir."
"Great. You get a bit of testosterone in your system and suddenly you're a funny guy."
Carter sighed.
"Shall we get down to business, sir?"
"You do realize that if I said that to you…or any other woman…it would have a completely different meaning, right, Carter?"
"How do you know I didn't mean it the way you would, sir?"
"Because you're Carter, Carter. And you never mean the same thing as me." Jack sighed. "Okay, let's get started."
A few minutes later, Jack was sitting on his bunk with make-up products spread out before him and Sam on the other side of them.
"Well, for starters, sir, you've got some great skin…perfect pores…flawless really."
"I'm blushing, Carter."
Sam rolled her eyes.
"For evening, I'd suggest a light foundation, but let's work on daytime care first. A little cream is all you need. It'll moisturize while protecting you from the effects of the sun."
"Ah, yes, we wouldn't want any more wrinkles." Jack said softly.
"Sir, you hardly have wrinkles!" Carter protested.
"Look, crows feet on a man are distinguished looking. On a woman…"
"You're still attractive, sir." Carter interrupted.
"Still, Carter?" Jack grinned. "As in you found me attractive as a man?"
"I think there are attractive qualities in all men, sir." Sam's quick excuse sounded lame even to her own ears, but at least it was quick.
"Really…how about Daniel?"
"Geeky…and it's a known fact that geeks are attracted to geeks, sir. It's like there is some need for us to create more geeks."
"I so did not need that mental image, Carter. Teal'c."
"Muscular. Stoic. Polite."
"Hammond."
Sam blinked.
"Bald is sexy, sir." She conceded.
"Walter."
"Walter?" Sam gaped.
"Walter."
"Always opens the door and lets me come home."
"Siler."
"Handy with duct tape."
"O'Neill."
"Always there for me, a sense of humour, great ass…" Sam glared at Jack. "You tricked me."
Jack laughed. He stood up, and arched his back, pushing his black silk-clad derriere (men have butts and women have derrieres) towards Sam.
"Still think it's great?" He teased.
"Yes." Sam snarled as she hauled Jack into her lap. "Now stop looking for compliments."
Jack blinked and wiggled slightly in Sam's lap.
"No problem…I think found something else more interesting." Jack reached back and clasped Sam's thighs for support as he moved in small circles. "Wow…so this is how it feels."
"Sir, it's my sidearm." Sam managed to gasp.
"Nice try, Major." Jack shifted from side to side. "That's my excuse...find your own."
"Colonel…sir…Jack…please stop."
Jack closed his eyes, reveling in the sensations.
"No wonder women don't listen when we tell them to stop. This feels…mmm…wonderful…."
Sam's hips bucked slightly, causing Jack to open his eyes.
"Please don't…" Sam whispered.
Realization dawned on Jack. He jumped up and ran to the wall by the door, as far as he could get away from Sam.
"I'm sorry." He managed to say.
Sam's blue eyes narrowed and she quickly closed the distance between them. She placed her hands on the wall on either side of Jack's head, pinning him in…blocking his escape…deliciously trapping him…
"Did you learn something new, sir?" She asked harshly.
Jack nodded silently, eyes closed.
"Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?" She asked roughly.
Jack shook his head from side to side, keeping his eyes closed.
"Look at me, sir." Sam pleaded hoarsely.
Dark brown eyes opened to stare into bright blue ones.
"The General was right, sir." Slowly, Sam ran a hand down the side of Jack's face. He started to tremble. "You do make an attractive woman."
Sam's fingers caressed the side of Jack's neck as their tips played with his short, slightly graying hair.
So close…
Sam's nostrils flared as she inhaled Jack's scent.
Jack licked his lips.
The sight of his pink tongue wetting his pouting mouth made Sam want to do things that she hadn't thought of…well, from this angle…to lean down…to take…to touch…to taste…
He'd look good with longer hair…about shoulder length.
Sam's hands stilled.
A woman…Jack's a woman…
She blinked. Angrily, she pushed herself away from the wall and Jack. Without sparing him a glance, she marched out of his quarters.
Jack slid down the wall to the floor, still trembling, his knees no longer able to support him.
A/N : And this, folks, is where the producers – if this had been an actual episode – would take a commercial break and so…..