Atari and Pharaoh's (Miss)Adventures
Pharaoh
What the title says
Rated R for Retardedness
Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue. I own nothing so you can't sue.
Chapter One: Mission ImpossiblePharaoh and Atari enter a room with a tape recorder in it. The two are wearing identical black trench coats and black shades. They look at each other, then back at the tape before walking over to the tape and pressing the play button. A voice comes on that sounds like Sabe.
Tape Recorder: Hello girls.
Atari: Hi.
Tape Recorder: Don't talk back to the tape.
Pharaoh: Whoops, sorry about that.
Tape Recorder: I said don't!
Atari: Sorry! Sorry! We didn't mean to get you upset!
Tape Recorder: Oi…anyway, your mission is extremely dangerous. You may not make it out of it alive, or with your sanity.
Atari: What sanity?
Pharaoh: Yeah, I think we lost our sanity along time ago…
Atari: Uh huh. I think it was in the winter of 1749…
Tape Recorder: Okay! Okay! I get it! Anyway, your mission is…to clean the toilet.
Atari and Pharaoh: -gasp!-
Tape Recorder: Your supplies are on the table. This message will self destr- (it blows up leaving Atari and Pharaoh with charred faces)
Atari and Pharaoh scoot over to the supplies table.
Atari: We have a toilet plunger.
Pharaoh: We have that brush thing that leaves the blue stuff in your toilet.
Atari: And we have those cool suction cup thingies that make you stick to the ceilings.
The two look at each other.
Atari and Pharaoh: Lets do it. –pull on black ninja suits-
Insert Mission Impossible Music here
Atari and Pharaoh: -suction cup their way across the ceiling and into the bathroom.-
Toilet: -is all green and gross and smells bad.
Atari: Pharaoh, give me the toilet bowl cleaner thing.
Pharaoh: -reaches on utility belt- Oh no! I forgot it!
Atari: No! We can't accomplish this mission with out it!
Pharaoh: We'll just have to use our heads!
Atari: Yeah! We'll use your head!
Pharaoh: Huh?
Atari: -grabs Pharaoh and shoves her head in the toilet, using it as the cleaner thing.-
Pharaoh: It burns! It burns!
Atari: Hang in there! I'm almost done!
Toilet: -suddenly gets flushed by an evil unknown source so Pharaoh goes down the toilet-
Atari: PHARAOH! –uses plunger to suck Pharaoh out of the depths of the toilet-
Pharaoh: -half dead- e.e Mommy, I want my blankie…
Atari: -beeps those cool communicator watches but hers is pink and looks like a bunny- Mission accomplished.
What will their next mission be? Will they ever find their sanity? Will Pharaoh ever be the same? Is the tape recorder's voice really Sabe, and why does it talk to them if it's a tape recording? Does the mysterious person know those two that well to know what they would say? And what is this unknown force that flushed Pharaoh down the toilet? Find out, in the next chapter of, ATARI AND PHARAOH'S (MISS)ADVENTURES!
Chapter Two
The next day…
Atari: THE KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!
Pharaoh: But we're sitting in a bathtub!
Atari: -looks around- But this bathtub is in the middle of Antarctica!
Pharaoh: …where's Antarctica?
Atari: … I dunno. I think it's somewhere in Idaho.
Pharaoh: I like Potatoes.
Atari: I like cereal. ¬¬
Chapter Three
8 Years Later
Pharaoh: …cheese doodles.
Atari: What happened?
Pharaoh: Another message from Sabe…
Voice Recorder: I'M NOT SABE
Atari: Jeesh! Okay! Don't get your undies in a bundle.
Voice Recorder: Oy…your mission this time around is dire and dangerous. You may not come out of this alive.
Atari: -finger falls off- But I'm already dead.
Pharaoh: So we may not come out of this dead?
Voice Recorder: Dead or Alive, which is a really good video game, Doesn't matter! You must…solve…a…
Atari and Pharaoh: -lean forward in suspense-
Voice Recorder: RUBIX CUBE
DUN DUN DUUUUN
Atari: Noo! Noo! Anything but that!
Pharaoh: Oh cruel world! Why? Why!
Voice Recorder: SHUT UP!
Atari and Pharaoh: Yes ma'am.
Voice Recorder: I'm not a ma'am!
Atari: Miss?
Voice Recorder: Do I sound like a miss to you?
Atari and Pharaoh: -discussing things off in a corner of the room-
Pharaoh: It sounds like a dog…
Atari: It?
Random Joe #4: Maybe an orangutan?
Voice Recorder: I'm NOT A MONKEY! Now get back over here!
Atari and Pharaoh: -scoot back over-
Voice Recorder: Now…your supplies are on the supply ta- -message explodes-
Atari and Pharaoh: -scoot to supple table-
Atari: We have dentures.
Pharaoh: We have super glue.
Atari: And we have an Asian.
Asian: Konnichi wa!
Pharaoh: Let's get working!
12 Days Later
Atari: We've used everything! Dentures…super glue…but nothing's worked!
Asian: Yo!
Pharaoh: I mean…what good is an Asian going to do us?
Asian: Yo!
Atari: It's not like Asians are twenty times smarter than us and can solve Rubix cubes with their eyes shut!
Asian: -grabs Rubix cube while Atari and Pharaoh complain. Solve Rubix Cube- YOOOOOO
Atari and Pharaoh: WHAAA-AAAT!
Asian: -holds up Rubix cube- Ta daa!
Atari: Waaaah.
Pharaoh: Evilness.
Atari: Stupid Asian. –smacks him to Timbucktwo-
Asian: Whee!
Pharaoh: Well…the mission has been solved…thanks to that stupid Asian.
Atari: Wait…aren't Asian people really cool?
Pharaoh: Uhm…yeah…don't we like Asians…?
Atari: …
Pharaoh: …
Atari and Pharaoh: -run after Asian- WAAAIT WE'RE SORRY
Chapter Five? I think….
Atari: j0 \/ht'$ \/1 (Yo what's up)
Pharaoh: -blinks- Why are you talking in 1337 speak?
Atari: 133 \/3 ! 733l !k3 !t (Because I feel like it)
Pharaoh: $h0\/o ! tk !k3 tht t00? (should I talk like that too?)
Atari/\/0 (No)
Pharaoh: v.v;;
Tape Recorder: You have a new mission!
Atari: 77! (yay)
T.R: …Why are you speaking in 1337 speak?
Atari: (/\/\ /\!t 133 \/3 ! 733l !k3 !t (Damnit because I feel like it)
T.R: Ookay…this time you have to communicate with those gammers.
Gamers: j0 (Yo)
Atari: tht $h0\/o 133 3$j (That should be easy)
Gammers: \/ $ 3k 1337 t00? (You speak 1337 too?)
Atari/\/0…\/3 /\/\!7ht 133 \/$3 h70h !$ 7y /\/g /\/) $h3 )03$'/\/'t k/\/0\!7 ! /\/ 07 /\/0t (No…well I might because Pharaoh is typing this and she doesn't know if I can or not.)
Gammers: 0h (Oh)
Pharaoh: -To T.R- It seems like they're talking in another language.
T.R: 1337 is one of the hardest languages to type…it if even is a real lang- -explodes-
(That one page took me about half an hour to write. … stupid 1337 speak. ! 7t3 70\! (I hate you!) ;;)
Some Time later
T.R: Okay. Listen up, you have a new mission!
Atari is rubbing her ear with a pinky and Pharaoh is rubbing her belly and patting her head.
T.R: HEY, LISTEN!
Atari and Pharaoh are now in Link costumes. And eating chocolate shit cookies.
T.R: HEY! LIS--explodes.
Atari: Hello my friends! It is I! Li--…
Pharaoh: (Zelda costume) Link.
Atari: Liiii…
Pharaoh: … Liiink.
Atari: LIII… !
Pharaoh: LINK!
Atari: LILYOPPSCROTCHER!
Pharaoh: Link!
Atari: (Whirls around, smacking Pharaoh in the face) Yeah, Zelda?
Pharaoh: (Vein throb) Do you know what tiiime it is?
Atari: … Tea time?
Pharaoh: No. It is time for you to save the world and Hyrule in an RPG-styled sort of way. And then I get kidnapped. … Not in that order.
Atari: More like.. You get kidnapped, then I save the world.. then you get kidnapped again and I save the world. Then you get kidnapped again and I save the world for a third time. Then I stop for a break to eat cookies while you get kidnapped again. Then I have to go save the world AGAIN. Then I try to bake cookies while you get mysteriously kidnapped AGAIN. Then I go to save you and my COOKIES BURN. AND THEN I KILL YOU.
Pharaoh: …
Atari: … Why do I feel like a fat Italian plumber in overalls?
Pharaoh: -wearing a news caster suit- Let's see…Mario is a very typical Italian video game, perfectly describing what Italians do. First they get money, then they chase after the girl, killing many things and smoking many mushrooms. –coughs- Yes…Mario is really a drunk no good Italian who can't get a job and has to work as a plumber for the rest of his life while smoking mushrooms, going to 'mysterious' pot induced worlds and chasing after women, who gets kidnapped every five minutes.
Atari: What is it with princess always getting kidnapped in video games? Couldn't they go all ninja on their ass?
Pharaoh: You've got a point…
Atari: I'm gonna make a video game where the princess is a kick ass ninja and she has to go rescue the main character who is locked up in a cell and has to get raped by some smelly old guy!
Pharaoh: oO I'm sure that game would be a hit.
Atari: Or.. or maybe there's no princess and it'll be yaoi but with ninjas.. And wizards. NINJA WIZADS! Oh yeah.. And bears that shoot laser beams outta their eyes. Oh man, that'd be kickass. -Big, fat grin.- And at the end you button-mash combos while you the other main character in his with your and then you on the ceiling and with your while his .
Pharaoh: … Yeah…
Atari: OHOHOH. Or it could be about these two guys who---
T.R: THAT'S ENOUGH.
Atari and Pharaoh: Awwe..
Atari: … Wait, I thought that thing blew up in your face?
Pharaoh: It did. See? I got charr behind my ear. –Ear wiggle?-
Atari: … Ew. ;
T.R: I come bearing a gift! I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.
Pharaoh: -Whips out Stewie soundboard keychain.-
Stewie keychain: -Sparkles with the almightiness of the heavens and crap like that.-
All: Oooh. Aaah.
T.R: ANYWAYS. What I meant to say was that you have a new mission.
Pharaoh: Can we bake cookies?
T.R.: No. You—
Atari: Can we go to Ooey-Gooey World?
T.R: NO. You have to—
Pharaoh: Can we ride on the pink walrus while gnomes sing the song of a thousand barnacles?
T.R: … GOD, NO.
Atari: Can we go to an anime convention and dress up as Narutards?
T.R: NO, YOU.. Wait.. Yes. You have to go to Anime Boston UNDERCOVER. –Coughcoughhacksputtercoughchokeubelievablylongcoughingfitthatendsinphlemupchuck. Spit.- … Undercover. And go steal some mangas or something.. look, I don't write this crap, just go to the convention and stop bugging me, you-- -Explodes.-
Atari and Pharaoh: Huzzah!
God-knows-when later…
Atari and Pharaoh are dressed up as Gaara's gourd. Various signs above their heads say things like: "We're not on a mission!", "We are not undercover super spies!", "I like corn!", "Magic Magic Ninjas What!", "Trail Mix!", "Not Spies!", and my favorite, "Will yaoi for cookies!"
Atari and Pharaoh stand outside the entrance.
Atari: We're guarrrds..
Pharaoh: We're guarrrrds.
Atari: … Guarrds.
Pharaoh: We're guarrds.
A Gaara cosplayer walks by.
Atari: … We're gourrrds.
Pharaoh: Gourrrds.
Atari and Pharaoh: We're gourrrds.
The "gourds" waddle inside the convention, mumbling "We're gourrrrds" as they go. Some people take pictures of the rolling "gourds." The "gourds" roll over by a giant gathering of Gaara cosplayers, who are talking about how they can't sleep at night and how the Shukaku is annoying and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Two of the Gaara's depart and the chase begins!
Atari and Pharaoh (gourds) roll after the Gaara people.
Atari and Pharaoh: HUMAN BOULDER! VAROOOOM! VAROOOOM! VAROOMVAROOOOOM!
Gaara cosplayers: -Look back.- WTF, mate?
Atari and Pharaoh gourds roll over the Gaara cosplayers, picking them up onto their gourdy exterior like some kind of oblong Katamari ball.
(Katamari theme begins to play.)
Atari and Pharaoh: -Humming along.- Na naaaa na na na na na na na na Katamari Damacyyyy. Na NAAA na na na na na na na na na na na na naaaaa.
The "gourds" start rolling around, picking up random cosplayers and God knows what else. (We're assuming some consession stands and some manga tables. Maybe a vending machine or two. Some ramen. Narutos who were chasing after the ramen screaming "Believe it!" … Sasukes chasing after the Narutos. Sakuras chasing after the Sasukes.)
AND THEN A METEOR DROPS FROM THE SKY AND KILLS ALL THE SAKURA COSPLAYERS.
… AND THE INO-PIG ONES, TOO.
AND ANKO! (Although we're pretty sure no one wants to cosplay as her. Whore.)
T.R: (From out of no where) I LIKE POTATOES. GRAAAVY. –Explodes again. Comes back and explodes. Explode explode explode.-
Atari: EMC2 and 2+3 Chair. Black sheep are green like feet.
Pharaoh: Poop.
Edwardo: … Testicle.
Roy Mustang: Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Envy Sheep: Yes'sir, yes'sir, three bags full. One for the master, one for the dame. One for the LITTLE BOY who lives down the lane.
Edo: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU COULD SQUISH WITH YOUR BOOT IF YOU WERE ONLY FOUR FEET TALL!
Cadbury Crème Egg: -Dancing.- Who loooves the chocolate? ---
Atari: ME! -Roar.-
Atari and Pharaoh put marshmallow peeps in the microwave.
Atari and Pharaoh: MORTAL PEEP FIGHT!
Atari: Chitty chitty bang bang!
Pharaoh: Awmfguh! (Omfg)
Some guy: WOOGEY WOOGEY WOOGEY!
Pharaoh: What'd he say?
Atari: He said that the space time continuem must be repaired before space and time as we know it is ripped into little tiny bunny-shaped pieces and we all die from amnesia because we don't know who we are and then we think we're Sasuke and go emo and kill ourselves. And then dinosaurs take over and they poop on each other and then they explode because they ate alka-seltzer and then my mom comes home and staples them to the ceilings and then Gaara comes back and he's like, "Heeey… punk."
Atari: Hey, guess what!
Pharaoh: What?
Atari: Your parents just died! But, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!
Pharaoh: … Awwe.
Four hours later…
Naruto: Hey, Neji.
Neji: Yeah?
Naruto: Want some gum?
Neji: … No.
Naruto: You knooow you want it.
Some guy: MEATBALLS!
Neji: … Fine.
Naruto gives Neji a stick of chewing gum. Neji unwraps it cautiously, then chews it like a cow.
Naruto: Haha! Now you have cancer!
Atari and Pharaoh are now in back of the yard and have mysteriously adapted new names to hide their identities.
Fairo: Hurry, Tari! Hide behind that tree!
Tari and Fairo hide behind trees too small for their size.
Tari: -Stands beside the tree.-
Fairo: Tari! She'll see you!
Tari: She can't see me! I'm a ninja! I'm not here! I could be over there! Or over here! WHO KNOWS! I'M A NINJA!
Fairo: Good point! -Puts on shiney sequin spandex jogging suits.-
Tari: -Wearing a rainbow clown wig, a neon pink shirt, and parachute pants.-
Tari and Fairo: We're ready for action!
Tari: Let's split up!
Fairo: OKAY!
… They stand there in readied poses.
…
A REALLY REALLY ANNOYINGLY LONG TIME LATER! …
Fairo: … Wanna go get some pizza?
Tari and Fairo walk off.