A/N : Okay, there's a part in here that will be difficult to buy, I'm sure…Jack and Sam would never act like love-sick teenagers, but I'm at a loss on how to write them "the next morning".
Day 5 (am…the rooster has crowed...the sun has ris'...do you know where your Stargate is?)
Jack's spoon spun his froot loops around in the bowl of milk as he stared at Sam across the table from him. Oatmeal ignored, Sam grinned back. They sat alone at a large table. Every other person who entered the commissary for breakfast took one look at them and made a pointed attempt to sit and eat elsewhere…if not take their breakfast "to go".
The Colonel a woman. The Major a man. And they were staring at each other..and weird-like, too. Folks at SGC began to wonder if this was something contagious…or if there was a full moon that night…or if the apocalypse truly had arrived...or if Leonard Nimoy's latest album had gone platinum.
"Good morning." Daniel, oblivious to the stares, joined his team mates.
"Hmm." Was Jack's response.
"Yeah." Sam's response was a tad more eloquent.
"Okay." Daniel replied slowly, finally noticing the eye contact. "So, did you two have sex last night?"
"Huh?" Jack asked, blinking and turning to look at Daniel.
"I asked if you heard what the techs did last night."
"No." Sam replied dimly.
"I heard that they had 'techoroke'…karaoke but for the techs and non-comms only. Apparently, Siler won with his stirring rendition of 'Ballroom Blitz', but Walter gave him a run for his money with 'Timewarp'."
"And we weren't invited?" Janet asked as she sat down. "Sorry, overheard that part about the singing."
"Who was singing?" General Hammond approached with Jacob.
Quickly, Daniel explained his story again.
"Sounds like we have an SGC album in the making." Janet remarked. "What do you think, Sam?"
"Huh?" Sam shook her head and absently replied, "Sure…SGC…mating…sounds good…count me in."
She grinned at Jack.
"What?" Daniel blinked.
"Eh?" Jack started at Daniel's tone.
"Sam said mating." The archaeologist pointed out.
"I did?" Sam shook her head, trying to focus. "Slip of the tongue."
"And what a slippery tongue it is." Jack remarked.
"Jack!" Jacob barked.
"Hey, Dad." Jack waved vaguely down to Sam's father.
"Well, at least they're not fighting." Hammond remarked quietly.
"Do you think it is out of their system?" Jacob asked the General just as quietly.
George looked down the table to see Jack squirming in his seat. Sam appeared to be leaning slightly back in her chair. Daniel was making a Herculean effort not to stare down at Jack's lap…and what Sam's foot was doing in it.
"I believe so." The General replied. "How about we take our breakfast elsewhere?"
The two older men stood up to leave.
"General!" Daniel cried out as he hurried rose. "We'll join you. C'mon, Janet."
"Buh-bye." Sam and Jack called out dazedly.
"Sam." Jack asked quietly.
"Yes?"
"Do you still respect me?"
"More than ever, sir." Sam grinned. "Gives orders, can fire a rifle, knows 100 ways to kill a man, and apparently has memorized the kama sutra book."
"Hey, it had pictures…made it an easy read."
"No complaints here, sir."
"I'm waiting for the pop-up edition to be issued."
Sam frowned as she rolled down her sleeve.
"I don't know if I have any more blood to give, Janet." She complained.
"Oh please." The doctor scoffed. "You're doing great."
Sam merely hmphed.
"So, you and the Colonel finally did something about your little problem…" Janet left the statement open-ended.
"Problem? What problem?" Sam asked innocently.
"Cut the crap with me, Sam…besides being your friend, I'm your doctor."
"Don't worry, Jack won't get pregnant."
"Ah hah! You did have sex!" The doctor crowed happily.
"Geez, Janet!" Sam glared at the shorter woman. "Could you shout it a bit louder? I don't think the residents in the next solar system quite heard you."
"Sorry." Janet had enough grace to blush. "'Bout time, girlfriend!"
"Yeah." Sam blushed.
"Well…"
"Well what?"
"How was it?"
"Is this Janet my friend asking or Janet my doctor?"
"Both…but it's a 60/40 split in favour of the friend." Came the sharp retort.
"Okay…it was…" Sam paused. "Wow…magnificent…unbelievable…who knew Jack knew so many…umm…positions…."
Janet blinked.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he had this one where I was kneeling and he wrapped his legs around my waist and…"
"Oh, I most definitely walked in a bad time." Daniel remarked as he entered the room.
"Yes, you did." Janet glared. "I was trying to get some pointers from Sam."
"Pointers?" Daniel arched an eyebrow. "I figure between your knowledge of the human body and my vast reading experience, we'll be able to show SGCs newest love birds a thing or two."
Sam looked back and forth between Daniel and Janet.
"Love birds?" She frowned. "You two…are you two…my god…you two are!..."
"Not yet." Janet admitted quietly.
"But how…when…what…" Sam shot a look at Daniel. "You had bad timing again, didn't you?"
The archaeologist shrugged innocently.
"But sir!" Jack protest loudly.
"No buts, Colonel." Hammond replied firmly.
I will not look at his..her…his chest…are the tank tops usually so tight?
"We haven't heard from Teal'c and he's due back today."
"There could be some issues preventing him from communicating…"
"Which is exactly why we should investigate!"
"I said no, Colonel, and that's final."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"I can't persuade you to change your mind?"
"No."
Yes…no…not going there…George…behave…
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Final answer?"
"Yup."
"Care to use a…"
"No, I don't wish to use a life line, Colonel. You and no other member of the SGC is going to that planet until we hear back from Teal'c."
Jack pouted momentarily and then quickly turned his attention to Jacob. The Tok'ra had sat silently, watching the interplay between the two officers.
"Have I ever told you, Jacob, how wonderful brown looks on you?" Jack cooed. "You make it look so…earthy."
Jacob turned to stare at Jack.
What the…?
"Thank you, Jack." He stammered out.
"In fact…" Jack started to slowly…walk…his…fingers…up…Jacob's…arm. "It looks very manly on you. All those different shades of…brown."
Jacob's look turned to one of horror.
"Jack!" The General barked out the Colonel's name.
"Sir?" Jack countered with a feminine smile.
I know that look. He's plotting. Damn woman. He's up to something.
"Let's go have a coffee, Jacob." Jack suggested. "We can discuss the results of last night's karaoke. You know, I'll bet that you're a wonderful dancer."
Jacob could feel Selmak's surprise.
Jacob?
I don't know.
Is he…?
I said I don't know.
Sam?
What part of 'I don't know' do you not understand!
Hurt.
I'm sorry…but I think Jack's flirting with me!
It's a trick…ploy…
Ah, yes…Sam used to try being coy with me when she was younger.
Amusement at the memory.
You could try turning the tables, as your kind says.
What?
Flirt back.
"Actually, Jack, I've been told that I could put Fred Astaire to shame. My tango has left many women breathless."
Hammond stared at Jacob in shock.
Jack ran a finger up and down his neck, the age old body language of interest.
"Really? Perhaps you can…show me?"
The General gawked at Jack this time.
I will not get jealous. This is Jack. I am his C.O. Besides…he's a man. Albeit, currently trapped a lovely woman's body…very lovely…with long legs, curvy waist, and soft bre….
"Colonel, I don't what you're up to, but you're not leaving the SGC."
"Sir, I never…"
"You will not leave this complex…for P6X dash whatever or to any other location where you can use a stargate to transport to P6X dash whatever. You will stay here…even if I have to strap you down to a bed."
Wrong image, George!
"Why George, you didn't strike me as the kind of guy that would be into that kind of thing…" Jack all but purred as he left the room.
Jacob shook his head in disbelief.
Are Jack's hips sashaying?
"What was that?" Sam's father asked.
"I think we're beginning to see signs of their new sexes taking hold. Jack is manipulative as man…but manageable. As a woman…" George shivered.
"Men are doomed." Jacob acknowledged.
George nodded.
Klaxons and Walter blared at almost equal volumes.
Hoping that the third time was the charm, Janet and Daniel ran to the control room.
Finally, Teal'c had come home…and all of his anatomy appeared unchanged.
The two doctors rushed into the gate room just ahead of Jack and Sam.
"Well?" The four practically shouted at him.
"It is good to be home." He stated.
"And?" Jack prompted.
"I kept my head down."
"Teal'c…" Daniel took a threatening step towards the former jaffa.
"Is there a problem, DanielJackson?"
"Please, Teal'c," Janet pleaded, "What did you find?"
"It would not be an efficient use of my time to tell you here and then repeat in the debriefing."
And with that, Teal'c left them in the gate room.
"Did he just…?" Jack started.
"Brush us off?" Daniel finished.
"Yes, sir." Sam replied.
"Not good." Janet remarked.
"What was that covering him?" Sam asked.
"Looked like a thin crust of mud and plant life." Daniel replied.
"Maybe he's gone to decrustify?" Jack suggested.
"Is everyone here that needs to be here?" Hammond looked around the table.
There was a bright flash of light in the corner of the room.
"Greetings, General Hammond." Came the calm and melodious voice.
"Yup." Jack said. "Now everyone's here."
The little grey alien turned at the voice. His dark eyes widened at the sight of SG-1's state.
"While I understood Jacob Carter's message, I did not comprehend the extent of it until now."
"Yeah, it came as a shock to us, too, Thor." Jack remarked dryly.
"Your situation is indeed fascinating Colonel O'Neill."
"…Fascinating…that is exactly the word I used." Jack replied.
"Have you experienced any negative side effects?" Thor asked gently.
"Other than the obvious?" Jack shot back.
"Omph." Daniel moaned softly.
"Daniel?" Janet asked, worry tinged her voice.
"Mphh…" Daniel placed his hands on his hips while he sat. "I feel…strange."
"How strange?" Janet asked.
Jack's hand shot up into the air impatiently, like a kid who really wanted to answer the teacher's question.
"Ooh! Ooh! Can I answer this one…please?"
He was rewarded with a dirty from every occupant in the room…except Thor.
Really, now, how does Thor show when he's pissed off, Jack? Does Thor get pissed off?
"Daniel…how strange?" Janet repeated, concerned. "Where?"
"Stomach…weird." Daniel frowned and did an internal assessment of his state. "Not in pain…just feel weird and uncomfortable and warm and…"
Janet bit her lip.
"We should go to the infirmary." She said knowingly.
Sam nodded.
"Really, doctor, if he's not in pain, perhaps he should stay?" Hammond suggested. "It was probably something he ate."
"I don't believe so, sir." Janet replied.
"And do you have a theory?" The General asked.
"I do, sir."
"And?"
"And what, sir?"
"Please share your theory, doctor."
"I'd rather not, sir."
"Why?"
"Sir…please." Janet's voice was mildly pleading.
"Mmmrrph…" Daniel clutched at his waist. "Okay…beginning to hurt a bit…"
"Doctor, I'm not letting you take Doctor Jackson out of this meeting unless he passes out or you tell me your theory."
"Fine!" Janet spat out. "Cramps!"
"Cramps?" The General asked.
"Cramps?" Jacob queried.
"Cramps?" Teal'c's head tilted in puzzlement.
"Cramps?" Jack asked.
"Cramps." Thor said knowingly.
Daniel's head shot up in panic. He grabbed Janet's medical smock.
"I thought you said that cramps only happened when…" The archaeologist paled. "Oh crap."
"Cramps, Daniel." Janet corrected and patted his hand comfortingly. "It's not the end of the world."
"Owwww!" Daniel howled. "It feels like it!"
"Never thought I'd say 'thank god for menopause'." Jack mused.
Jacob coughed back a laugh.
"Now, General, I'd like to take Doctor Jackson down to the infirmary." Janet restated her medical position.
"Really, Doctor…it's just cramps. Can't you give him something for the pain? I'm sure he doesn't want to miss this meeting."
"Sir," Janet reined in her temper. "Cramps do not happen in isolation. Along with the cramps comes the body flushing out the…"
"Go the infirmary!" Hammond ordered loudly, comprehension dawning on his male mind.
Daniel started to stand.
"No!" Jack shouted. "Stay in the chair. The doc can wheel you down…take the chair with you…please…we don't need to see anything…"
Hammond nodded his agreement.
"You can keep the chair, Doctor Frasier."
The group watched as Janet wheeled a moaning Daniel out of the room.
"Now, Teal'c, tell us what you found." Hammond prompted.