Ok. Here is the next awesomely long chapter that I just typed. So you guys better review! Teehee.
Thanks for all of the reviews!
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Black's Crystal
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Bring Me Back
Sirius was still sitting on Remus' bed. Well, laying actually. It smells like Rem, he discovered, his head nestled into the soft starch white pillow. He hadn't moved since Remus had gone. Couldn't move. If he even twisted an inch, lifted his hand to scratch his nose, everything would be real. Remus telling him that he loved him would be real. It all just being some sick joke would be real. Remus running away would be real. And Sirius didn't think he could deal with reality. For if he did, he just might crumble.
Nevertheless, he somehow, still had a hard time believing that James would do this to him. And Remus! Not once in his life had he suspected Remus of doing something like this. Doing something so...so...Sirius like. So low.
His stomach growled in protest at not being fed enough. Yet did he get up? No. Sirius didn't think he could ever get up. Never. In fact, maybe he should just lay here forever, and float into an abyss of nothingness. Of numbness. He never wanted to smile again. To laugh. To cry. To scream. To hug. To kiss. To love. To hate.
For love had crushed him. How could he have fallen for his best friend? How could he have not realized it sooner? How? God, when he'd felt someone looking at him like that at the beginning of the feast, he thought he would come right there at the Gryffindor table from that stare. That haunting, pale, lust-burning gaze. It had tortured him. Then he'd turned to find that it was Remus staring at him like that. Remus. His friend. His male friend. And then he had figured out everything. How he'd always worried about Rem a bit more than the others. Always feeling closer, and more protective of him. How he'd felt sick when Remus had almost died after one of his full moons. If Rem had died then, Sirius had thought that he might just follow.
And now, lying here on Rem's bed, he realized three very important things.
1. James Potter had just played the cruelest prank imaginable on him.
2. Remus had participated in this torture.
3. Sirius was inescapably in love with him.
The stabbing pains roused Remus from a particularly nasty dream. He'd lived the experience with Sirius all over again. And again. And again. And then again, but with a much more crueler twist in which Sirius had told him that he was disgusting and horrid and that he never wanted to see him again. Remus shuddered. Yet, the dreams never started to slowly fade away into his head. They stayed at the surface, playing over and over in a kind-of sadistic slide show.
"I love you alright," I blurted, "And it's insane, going on like this. I'm torturing myself with the thought of you. I can't keep it in any longer. I want you to be happy, to find love, and I don't deserve yours. I can understand if you don't want to see me again," I looked up and gazed at Sirius with an almost pained expression, "But, oh Merlin, how I want to be the one to love you."
A cold look swept over Sirius' eyes, creating a hard mask.
"Go."
The word sounded cold and harsh, creating an unbearable stinging in my ears.
"W-w-what?"
"I said leave. Now."
And then it played again, and again. He didn't think he could bear the torture any longer. Yet he did... somehow.
A little while later, after writhing on the floor in pain after what seemed like hours and hours, he decided to do something. He was going to write Sirius a letter. It was a good thing he always carried a piece of paper and a quill in his shabby pockets. With trembling hands, he pulled out the rough parchment and white feathered quill. Slowly at first, and then quicker and more deliberately, he put words on the empty yellow paper.
Dear Sirius,
I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. That's the farthest thing from what I want. The truth is, if for some reason you didn't believe me, I love you, Siri. More than anyone should ever love anyone else. So if I hurt you somehow, I apologize. Don't worry, though. I won't be a bother to you anymore. Because, you see Siri, I'm dying. If you still love me at all, then I'm sorry, so, so sorry, for ever leaving you. Merlin, this is harder than I thought it would be.-
Remus paused, unable to go on for some reason. It wasn't the pain shooting at his arm like a thousand needles. Oh no, it was the pain in his bleeding heart. The pain of realization. He guessed it had never fully occurred to him before. He was dying. The morning light would never shine on his face. The laughing wind would never rustle his hair. Food would never fill him so that he thought he would burst. Sirius would never smile at him again with that egotistical sureness. And that's what killed him the most. Sirius. Never again would he see the long elegant hair, hear his loud barking laugh, watch his dark handsome eyes dance, gaze upon the muscled body Sirius had worked so hard to achieve, smell the musky Quidditch cologne smell that only belonged to his love. Suddenly, dry sobs wracked his body, making him cry louder at the pain it was causing him. Oh Merlin, Sirius.
Desperately he began to spill words onto the paper, as if he would never write another letter again. That was thing. The fact was, he wouldn't. Tears spilled on the parchment, creating dark stains as his hand flew back and forth across the paper in a mesmerizing rhythm.
I don't know if you'll be sad that I'm dying. Maybe you will. For some odd reason, I hope you don't feel so. I hope you never have to shed a single tear. Because you don't deserve it. Something as beautiful as you should never feel pain. Never. So I hope you hate me. I hope you find joy and love and laughter in life. Because I love you. And I'm dying. That's what kills me. Never being able to see you again. I'm sorry if it disgusts you that I'm writing this, but I have to. You have to know. God, I'll miss your beautiful large smile, your loud barking laugh, your arousing musky smell, your dark humorous eyes. I'll miss you, Padfoot. You.
In case your wondering at all, I'm dying for a reason pertaining to the werewolf in me. If you want to know more read Wonders of The Werewolf. I don't think I could explainwhat's happening to meto you in this letter.
And if you ever loved me, even just a little bit, know that I'll always love you. I'll always be with you. For if it's true that spirits really fly around the Earth realm when they pass on, know that my love for you is deathless. With my last breath I ever take, I shall whisper your name. Know that if a soft breeze fans your cheek, it is my breath. If a cool air passes by your temple, it is my spirit. How gladly I would wash away with my tears every little spot on your happiness, because I love you, Sirius. Even when death do we part.
But, oh Sirius! I feel gratified to God that he has let me spend these blissful times with you. That he's showed me some happiness and love in this world. I shall wait with sad patience until we meet again. In another world, in another time. For it is not time for you to go yet, however may it be mine.
I shall love you always. Forever and beyond.
All my love,
Remus
He'd done it. Finally, he'd finished the letter. Now, he knew he could leave this world in peace, knowing that Sirius would get his letter, and maybe, just maybe, forgive him. With that, he drifted in to a slightly pain induced, yet blissful, sleep.
Sirius still hadn't gotten up, when James came up, a slightly scowling Lily Evans following him. Evans glared in his direction. James grinned, and it slowly faded when he noticed that Sirius didn't smile back. Not even a little lift of the corner of his mouth. In fact, it looked more like he was frowning.
"Hey, Padfoot!" James decided on a cheery approach.
Sirius ignored him. He couldn't believe James even had the nerve to talk to him. Yet, he knew he couldn't hold his anger in. He never could. So he let the boiling rage spill out in a gigantic, twisting, ruthless wave.
"How dare you," he growled, quite dog like, "How dare you have the nerve to even talk to me! That was low, James. What you did was low. Lower than anything I've ever done. Lower than me selling out Remus to Snape that one time. You knew how I felt about him! You knew. I thought you were my friend! Well, you're not being a very fucking good one, are you," He was screaming in his anger now, "HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THIS? AND REMUS! YOU GOT HIM TO HELP YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU KNEW I LOVED HIM!" Suddenly, his voice went eerily quiet and low, barely a whisper, "I loved him Prongs. And now he thinks I hate him. Maybe I do hate him. I fucking hate both of you."
Lily's face was stark white, matching the color of the pillow Sirius' head had just been propped on. James mouth was agape, his warm hazel eyes wide and full of shock and confusion. He managed to recover quick enough. Sirius stood there, fists clenched, and breathing heavily.
"W-what did I do? I never did anything."
Now it was Sirus' turn to gape. James couldn't really be denying everything, could he?
"Never did anything? Never did anything! Oh, yeah, Prongs," Sirius spat out the word, "you never did one fucking thing. I mean, getting Remus to tell me that he loves me as just some cruel prank is nothing. Nothing at all. No big deal, right? You know what? Fuck you."
But James seemed not to have paid attention to anything after "I mean, getting Remus to tell me that he loves me..". He suddenly grinned widely, bright white teeth flashing.
"Moony told you! I can't believe he actually did it! Of course, he'd never told me that he loved you, but it was quite obvious. All the lustful stares, blushes, spacing out in class. Go, Moony!"
James began to do a jig, pulling a very confused Lily into his arms and kissing her merrily, before jumping around the room some more. Now a very shocked, confused, and slightly dazed Lily stood there, lightly touching her lips.
"You might want to stop doing that. I knew it was a prank. I told Remus to go away. To leave."
James' frantic dancing stopped abruptly, a fearful look in his eyes. His skin went a ghostly white once again, all the jubilant color draining away.
"You did w-what?"
Sirius was a bit confused. Sure, he might of hurt Remus' feelings a little, but it wasn't life threatening.
James groaned and dropped his head in his hands, slowly rubbing them down his face.
"Damnit, Padfoot, you're such an idiot!"
"ME! I'm the idiot! Let me tell you-"
"Shut up! Where did Remus go? Where the fuck is he?"
Watching James frantically tear through his trunk, Sirius was utterly bewildered. Lily gesticulated in exasperation and walked out of the room, muttering something about "Oh, and boys call girls dramatic. Humph!".
Forgetting his turmoil for a second, Sirius asked in a confused voice, "Prongs, what are you doing?"
James waved his hand in a hold on gesture, gave a whoop of triumph, and pulled out...the Marauders Map?
"You are such and idiot, Padfoot! Didn't you ever read about Moony's condition! You rejected him. You were his mate. His mate rejected him. He's dying!"
Sirius' tanned face went an unusual shade of whitish green, as though undesided, and he gulped, a painful lump forming in his throat. Snatching the map from James, he hurriedly searched it for Remus J. Lupin. There! He appeared to be in a dank dungeon room, a little bit away from the Slytherin dorms. Running as fast as he could, Sirius bolted out the Gryffindor House, and towards his destination. How wrong he'd been.
He sprinted along the elegant corridors, blurs of color flying past him. Time seemed to go by hours instead of seconds. Eventually, the setting became gloomy and dark, cold air stimulating his senses. Almost there...
Coming to an abrupt halt, Sirius looked before him. The metal medieval looking door stood openin front ofhim, and the room gave off a strong smell of pain and torture. Itreeked ofmold and mildew.
"Rem?", He called out softly, shivering in the feeling of death that blanketed the room.
No answer.
"Rem!"
Still no answer. A light emitted from his wand at his muttered 'Lumos', banishing away the darkness into small corners. The sight before him shocked him so painfully he thought he might die.
Yes, I know, another horrible, horrible, cliffhanger. Don't you just looove me? Haha.
Anyways, the letter written to Sirius, parts of it were ideas gotten from Sullivan Ballou's letter. Very sad story. This dude wrote an amazing love letter to his wife during the civil war saying how he might die and he hoped that she knew how much he loved her. How she was his greatest gift. He died two weeks later. The letter never reached his wife.
How messed up is that?
I almost cried when I read that. Okay, well, review please!
If any of you want to readSullivan Ballou'swhole letter, which i recommend because it's so amazing, go to:
http/usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/democrac/23.htm
You'll have to copy and paste that.