How to become a Successful Sith by Darth Vader

by The Enchanted Cheesy Soybean

Do you find yourself questioning your being a Jedi? Do you find yourself having contradicting feelings that you are constantly being told that you shouldn't have? You shouldn't be a Jedi. Become a Sith in 10 easy steps!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Star Wars. (sob) Though that would be totaly wicked. I would make Vader dance disco. hahaha.

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How to Become a Successful Sith

By Darth Vader

STEP 1: Self Awareness

Some of you may ask: 'How do I know that I am a Sith?' Or 'How can I excel in the Dark ways of the force?'

As to the first question, you know that you are a Sith when you:

1) display rambunctious actions uncontrollably toward your Master

2) constantly feel surging waves of absolute loathing around the Council

3) accidentally chop off your Master's finger during lightsabre practice and have no feelings of remorse

4) at night you always have nightmares of torturous killing that (most of the time) gives you exuding joy to face the morning

5) you find Yoda's inane speech impairment annoying to the point of desperately wanting to throttle his barely-existent neck until his circuits bust and everyone finds out his secret that only you knew, he's really a robot (you can't honestly think anyone can sound that close to a frog and speak Basic)

And as to the second question, you can excel in the Dark ways of the force by following these easy steps:

STEP 2: Find a new and more powerful Master.

Be sure to find a Sith Lord high on the economic ladder that you can follow to ultimate power. A chancellor or senator usually is best.

STEP 3: Get a new name that will strike fear in the hearts of the ones you loath and live to smite for stealing your favorite teddy bear.

(I will get you Mace Windu if it's the last thing I do! I'll go back in time and force you to tell me where Fredric is! Hurrumph. Or… I could always find you in hell. Hehehe.)

Oh, and you don't have to get a name that will only scare people who have stolen precious childhood friends and have never returned them and made you cry. You need a name that will fill all who hear it with the looming thought of ultimate death.

For example: Don't name yourself Darth Fred or Freddy. It's just dumb. Think of something more like Darth Killjoy.

Much better.

STEP 4: Find, or apply, something that will make you appear more terrifying.

Maul had it right with the demon look. So sad he had to die before we really had anything in common. He seemed nice.

STEP 5: Commit an ardently devious act to prove your evilness.

Most of the time killing younglings will do the trick, but if you don't feel evil enough go ahead and kill some fluffy puppies in a local adoption center.

STEP 6: Embrace the Dark side.

(in a hug. Tehe! I wuv you Dark side. B (minions stare) STOP STARING AT ME AND KILL THINGS! PUSH MORE BUTTONS AND PULL SOME LEVERS!)

It is also important to appear menacing and supremely evil at all times. During meetings you might even want to kill off a few minions to keep the rest in line, or to relieve stress.

STEP 7: Build a pimped out space station.

Being menacing to all races and having a criminal record under your lightsabre belt are not enough. To truly strike fear in all that know your name you must have deadly technology at your disposal. You might even want to get inter-galactic cable since you'll be ruling the galaxies for a bit. It can get boring. With that in mind, building a space station the size of a planet will do quite well.

You will need room for: the disco-room, swimming pool, bowling alley, laser-kill, home theater (where you can watch my new motivational "Killing is not bad, it's satisfying" DVD), fighter-pilot docking station, game room (PAC MAN!), sauna (have to have one of these. Nothing like a good circuit sweat.), dining room (where you will always be first in line at the buffet. mwahaha. Losers. I get all the good oil), and of course there is the technology.

You are not a successful Sith if you don't have guns. I suggest making the whole station a giant laser. It works well, doesn't take up much energy so that the station is drained afterward, and it just looks so cool.

But if you would prefer to put in a bunch of retractable guns that's fine too.

STEP 8: Make plans to take over the galaxies.

There is nothing more satisfying than sitting down with a bunch of power-hungry Siths and talking about galaxy domination. The more power-hungry they are the easier it is to manipulate them to do your bidding then kill them with your pimped-out space-station-laser.

Mwahaha.

That's a good time to test out the laser's abilities. Another way is to find a planet that holds old memories of dusty childhood that needs to die. So you can blow that up too.

If you rule the galaxies than you will have more power, and power is good.

So good.

I like to bathe in it.

STEP 9: Carry out those plans and look cool while doing it.

It is always important to know what you are doing. Usually it is best to find some power-hungry smart person who can plan for you, and then you can kill them and pretend the ideas were your own.

That way it saves you the trouble of thinking.

Also, most of the time the ideas are better than you could have thought of and will actually work.

About looking cool while doing it, now is the time to develop a trait that allows people to know you are coming before you arrive.

I find heavy breathing to be most satisfying, it gives them enough time to stand at attention and still look scared that I just turned the corner.

Hehehe.

You might consider this nifty machine that a fellow Sith just invented that makes the air around you chillingly cold.

Although you would have to actually like the cold in order for this to work completely well.

I hate the cold.

Stupid space.

STEP 10: Congratulations, you are officially a Sith!

Good for you. I'm sure the Dark side is proud.

Now go and do something evil.

And if you've seen a brown teddy bear with a white stomach and a right eye missing, contact Darth Vader at comlink #100204568.