The Real Story of Pokemon
I'm sure that you've seen the show Pokemon before, maybe even been reduced to a vegetable-like state while watching it. But, you see, that was all a figment of Ash's drug-induced imagination. You see, Ash was actually an acid addict. One day he overdosed, and it sent his mind into an all-time high that lasted a few weeks. I know that the show claimed that his journey was about a year, but in reality, it was truly only a month and a half. This is the actual "adventure".
Ash Ketchum sighed and played with the velcro on his sneakers. Life was bor-ing. I know! Ash thought. I'll take acid! Brilliant idea Einstein. Ash searched his child-safe room for construction paper. After he found it, he fished a small bag out from under his bed filled half-way with a powdery substance. They say that you should take one dose at a time, and two if you're depressed, but I'm bored so I might as well take 5! In a matter of minutes, Ash had consumed 5 doses of acid.
His brain couldn't take it anymore. It locked itself up, leaving Ash in an extremely drugged and hallucinative state. "Today, I Ash Ketchum am 10 years old!" He yelled, which wasn't true, he was probably around 13. "And since I am that age, I am old enough to be a Pokemon trainer! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" He then tried to tie his non-exsistant shoe laces. Downstairs, Mrs.Ketchum sighed. " I knew it was a bad idea to give Ash sugar three times a day." What the heck is a Pokemon? She wondered to herself and shrugged. Hey! At least he's not doing acid!Heh, heh, heh...suuuuuuuure.
Ash ran outside. "My journey begins todaaaaaaaaaaay!" He shouted and started running in some random direction. Meanwhile, Gary, the honor student who never swore a day in his life and vowed to never get into a sports car with strange women, was just leaving the local bakery after completing another successful shift at his summer day-job. It just so happens, that that was the direction that Ash chose to go. Gary saw Ash approaching. "Hiya, Ash! How are you today?" Gary asked, being the annoying little goody-goody he was.
Ash froze when he saw him and glared. "Well, well. And exactly what super-cool Pokemon did you get?" Ash asked, anger evident in his voice. "Huh? What are you talking about?" "Grrrrrr...Gary! You make me so mad! Mark my words, I'm gonna get a way better Pokemon than you, and become a Pokemon master!" "Freak..." Gary mumbled under his breath and sped off on his bike. But, what Ash saw was very different. To his Drug-induced mind, Gary had jumped into a red sports car with many hot women, twirling his newly acquired Pokemon on his index finger.
Giving another growl, Ash stomped off towards the conveniently placed mansion that housed an old pervert. "Professor Oak will give me a Pokemon, then I can beat Gary, become a Pokemon master, get rich, AND OWN ALL THE ACID IN ALL THE LANDS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ash quickened his pace. When he rang the door bell, there was a chime that sounded suspiciously like "Baby Got Back", and it was opened immediately. An old man stood at the door. He was known throughout Pallet Town as a pervert and pedifile. But, Ash didn't know that in his current state. Ash saw a renowned professor and mentor who he could easily manipulate into giving him a rabid animal of sorts.
Okay, to make things easier to understand, in this part I'm going to put what the man is saying in normal print, and what Ash hears in italics. You can tell when I do this, because I will separate the section with squiggle things. Are we good? Good.
"Well, well. You, ah, lookin' for some excitement?" Hello, Ash. You are here for your Pokemon, are you not?" Ash nodded enthusiastically. "Gary didn't take the last one, did he professor?"He asked. "Huh? Professor?" Well, no...not really. "What do you mean, professor?" Ash tilted his head slightly. "Hey kid...you alright? What's all this professor buisness?" I mean, he didn't take them all, there is one left, but I think there's something wrong with it. "Oh. That's okay, professor! I'll take any Pokemon you got!" Ash smiled. The old man scratched his head and decided it wasn't worth the effort. Still confused, the man stepped back into his house. He didn't know what these "Pokemon" were, but maybe if he gave the kid some things, he'd leave him alone.The kid was obviously suffering from sugar and drug abuse. He rustled through a junk drawer, and pulled out a yo-yo.
He also picked up a stray shoe. "Hey...might work." He mumbled to himself. He hobbled back to Ash and handed him the yo-yo first. "Uh...you like to yo-yo, sonny? His name is "Pikachu". "Awww..he's so cute! Ash did not see a yo-yo. Ash saw a small yellow creature that looked like a cross between a rabbit and a Jujube. The old man stifled a laugh and handed him a shoe. "Pretty nice, eh? Shoes are great." This device is a Pokedex. It lets you scan Pokemon and gives you information on them. "Thank you, professor!" Ash shouted with glee and ran off.
"Yeah, yeah...AND STAY OFF MY LAWN!" Good luck to you Ash, and feel free to trespass on my lawn anytime you feel fit! "I will, professor!" Ash called over his shoulder and put the shoe in his vest pocket.
squiggle, squiggle, squiggle, a typed you on a board
As you might have guessed, all the acid he ingested greatly effected his judgment. Namely, he chose the largest hill possible to begin his "adventure". Ash, in his drugish state, thought that Pikachu was a type of electric mouse. In his mind, he was pulling the ignorant being by a clothes line, but in reality, he was dragging the yo-yo along, and it was at the end of it's string.
Ash then starting talking to it. "Y'know, Pikachu, you could at least walk along with me!" He growled as he strode under a tree. A leaf fell from the tree and Ash screamed. "What is THAT!" He pulled the shoe out of his vest pocket and pointed it at the spot where the leaf was a second ago. It was on the ground, but Ash didn't know that. "It's called Pidgey? I want it! Let's get it Pikachu!" He threw the yo-yo and it hit the tree.
"Hey! Get down from there! It's not funny! Fine then! I'll just capture it myself!" Ash picked up a rock and chucked it. It also hit the tree and he started having a spasm, rolling around in the dirt. "IT BLINDED ME! IT SHOT SAND AT ME! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL FUTURE POKEMON MASTER EYES!" Ash suddenly got off the ground like nothing happened. "What's your problem! Stop sitting there and laughing!" He shouted at the yo-yo. Another leaf fell from the tree. "WHOA! THAT THING LOOKS MEAN!" Again, he pointed the shoe. "Spearow?Hmmm..." The leaf fell on the yo-yo. "PIIIKAAAACHUUUUU! NOOOOOOO! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" He chucked another rock.
It hit an innocent by-standerahem I mean, EVIL SPY! Yeah, that's it...evil spy...Well, the evil spy cried out and ran back to the good neighbor's committee- I mean, Russia.(I have nothing against Russians. Just in every movie I've seen involving spies, at least one of them is from Russia. I even know someone from Russia! So do not get me wrong!) Hearing this, Ash thought that it was the Spearow. He grabbed the yo-yo and started running, right into a stream. The water was actually only a foot high, but Ash was so hyped-up on acid and sugar, that he thought it was six feet deep, and threw himself off another conveniently placed landmark, this time a slope in the river bed. Ash, of course, thought it was a waterfall.
Meanwhile, at the river bank near the "waterfall", 5 minutes earlier. Little Billy Munchright was talking a break from making McDonald's commercials and was playing with his Batman action figure, when all of a sudden, a giant action figure eating porcupine leaped out of the bushes and grabbed Little Billy's Batman action figure and scared him away. It nibbled it for a while, then smelled a Wonder Woman action figure. Wonder Woman action figures are not only Amazon-licious and nutritious, but are also power packed with the rice-a-roni taste that all porcupine's know and love. So, it did the only thing logical at the time. It ditched Batman like a mole infected with a rare skin disease.
Even though in reality, it would have only taken Ash 10 seconds to fall off the "water fall", due to plot conveniences and Ash's handi-capable state, it took long enough for the previous scene to commence.
TO BE CONTINUED...