Hi, this is my first fanfic, please read and review. Chapter 2 coming soon!

Very disclaimerlike disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters from the original Series of Unfortunate Events. That genius Snicket got there first.

Book the Oneth

The 'Orrible Opening

Chapter the Firstness

Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire sat at the edge of Boggy Beach, bored out of their insignificant little minds.

Violet, the oldest Baudelaire, was the spoiltest chav ever.

To be fair, she was less spoilt now that she was more chavvy, but she was still spoilt.

She wasn't exactly a chav either, more a wannabe. On her unwashed, chavvy outside she was trying to be, what she imagined, was the 'average teenager' but on the inside was still the little girl with popstardom dreams.

Violet was also the thickest girl you could ever meet. She started off deliberately acting thick, to get away with 'doing the easier (to her) stuff', but slowly her knowledge just trickled out of her brain Well, I say trickled, but it was more like a raging torent trying to get out of her head as fast as possible. Also, it seemed that whenever Violet blew her nose, she forgot the last thing you said. She almost forgot how to speak during a particularly bad cold.

Klaus, the middlest Baudelaire was, you might say, quiet. Not quiet as in never speaks, as people come he was one of the loudest, but Klaus was … secretive.

On the outside he was loud, boisterous and kind of thick, but on the inside, Klaus was a clever secret agent, one of the top in the junior division. 'So how come no one ever notices him missing when he's on missions?' I hear you cry.

Well, Klaus picked up little bits of information from everywhere and reported back to HQ from a secret room behind a secret panel in a secret room only got to by the basement of the Baudelaire household. He was more a 'Problem Solver' than an 'Action Mission Man' as his boss liked to put it.

You would have thought his family would have noticed that Klaus was a bit, well, weird, but no one really noticed that he went round in dark shades and suits all the time, or that he rarely left the house. In fact, he only ever left the house to go to school or the beach.

Now, Sunny, the youngest Baudelaire was just, well, there. She didn't speak. She liked to grunt. She could walk, she was already a two year old, but she liked to crawl and be carried. There isn't a lot to say about Sunny, I'll just leave it there.

Anyway, back to the story, the three Baudelaires were sat at the beach when Mr Pod, the family's banker, pulled up in a taxi and came over.

'Excuse me, are you the Baudelaires?' he asked

'Well, DUH!' Was Violets reply.

'I'm so sorry Baudelaires' he said, his face glum, 'But your parents have perished in a terrible accident'

'Huh?' Said Violet.

'What?' Said Klaus.

'Grr?' said Sunny.

Mr Pod continued, 'Yes. I am deeply sorrowed to say that it's true. They were in the supermarket, looking at the noodles, when a tower of baked … baked … baked … beans … Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' And he burst into tears.

(I must now apologise for the non-masculinity of Mr Pods behaviour, but give him a break, will you?)

'Sorry' Said Mr Pod wiping his nose in his snotty sleeve (a disgusting habit, I must say) 'But it's (sniff) just so sad. (Sniff) Anyway (Double Sniff) you must come with me. (Triple sniff and a nose wipe). TOO THE TAXI!'

As the Baudelaires were driven away in that stuffy, smoke-filled taxi they stared out the windows thinking- 'So what the hell just happened there?'

Well, so here ends the first chapter.

Now review and get on to the next chapter already!