A/n: Sorry about the really ridiculous amount of time I spent updating. I've had a lot of stuff getting in the way!

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: This is a disclaimer. Get over it.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0 And now I present to you…

Book the First

The 'Orrible Opening

Chapter the Second

So we left the Baudelaires feeling pretty confused, sad but mainly confused after the events on Boggy Beach. They were sat in a taxi with Mr Pod, who had strangely cried a lot…about everything.

He was upset anyway but you start to get pretty cheesed off when ALL the time you constantly hear 'Oh look at that cute little dog. (Sniff) I used to have a dog. Waaaaaaaaaaaa!' (Sniff, Sniff) Sorry Baudelaires. (Sniff). I'm so embarrassed about this. I hate to be embarrassed. Waaaaaa(Sniff)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' And so on.

'Oi!' Yelled Violet. 'Where we goin' to. I can't stand sitting in a car with sniffy people.'

'(Sniff) Oh right. We are going to my house where you will stay for the night. Well, it's not actually my house, I'm paying off the mortgage. I might not have enough money. I'll go spiralling into debt. Noooooooooooo! Waaaaaaaaaa!' said Mr Pod as he burst into tears again.

Klaus pressed a button on his watch and spoke into it 'Note to self: Mr Pod seems to be a very wimpish sniffy person. End note'

'Huh?' Asked Violet.

'Oh nothing' Said Klaus. Then he pressed his watch again 'Note to self: I think they could be on to us. Our organization is in danger! End note.'

'Grrarrl' Said Sunny.

'What?' Said Mr Poe.

'She does that a lot. It doesn't mean anything.' Explained Klaus.

'Actually' Said Sunny as she stood up in her seat.

'Sit down that is very dangerous young lady!' Yelled Mr Pod.

Sunny sat down.

'Sorry' She said, 'Anyway. Where the hell was I? Ah yes that was it. Actually I am a very well spoken young lady and I wished to be spoken to with proper English; none of that "Goo goo ga ga" rubbish for me thank you very much.'

'Oh that's nice. So what were you saying when you grunted that first time?' asked Violet.

'Grr' Grunted Sunny. She decided she didn't want to act like a stuck up kid anymore. (And besides, what she meant CENSORED).

'Hey driver! How long are we gunna be?' asked Violet.

'Well' the driver replied, 'there's loads of traffic so anything from five minutes to three days.'

'Can't you just fly over it?' asked Klaus.

'I'd never thought of that.' said the driver. He pressed the "fly over traffic because the kids in the back told you to button" button and the taxi rose up and soared over the tops of the other cars and landed about five minutes before the drivers finger even reached the button.

'Oh that was quick' said Mr Pod, taking his head out of the sick bag he had just filled. 'How much do I owe you?'

'Umm… £1,000,000,000' said the driver nervously.

Steam started to pour out of Mr Pods ears.

'Butrememberitsonlythatmuchbecauseittakesalotofmoneytogetacartoflyandthetaxonflyingcarsisoutrageousatthemomentsopleasedon'tgetmadbecauseyourheadwillpopoffandrollawayandI'llhavetochargeanextra£300togetthebloodstainsoutofthetaxi!' Gabbled the driver.

'Take us back right now!' yelled Mr Pod.

'Sure thing,' Said the driver, trying not to get Mr Pod into a bigger stressy mood.

Meanwhile the Baudelaire orphans had snuck out of the taxi and had broken into the Pod household.

Meanwhile the taxi driver drives back round to the traffic queue and joined exactly where he had left (and stayed there for quite some time).

Meanwhile Mrs Pod and the little Pods (or Podettes, Podettes dance troupe or Pea and Bean) come home from the shops.

Meanwhile the author gets fed up of writing the word meanwhile.

Meanwhile, meanwhile.

Meanwhile a green squiggly line comes up under "Meanwhile, meanwhile". So the author corrects it. (Author right clicks and clicks on ignore once.)

'Can we get on with this?' asked Mr Pod. I'm waiting to wait in the story.

Violet, Klaus and Sunny scuttled over to the other Pods (other as in Mrs, Pea and Bean Pod- Mr Pod had ordered to be flown back to his spot in the traffic queue.)

'Um, excuse me.' Said Violet, cautiously and snootily at the same time (is that actually possible?) 'Mr Pod said that we are meant to be staying with you for a while. We're coming in' She finished as she marched through the door, all thoughts of staying polite flew out o the window and just happened to hit a policeman on the head- he did the cancan right in front of the house.

'Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me?' Exclaimed Mrs Pod. 'You can't just come waltzing in here like you own the place!'

It was too late. Violet was already checking hr make up in the mirror, Sunny was already cursing (in grunts) at the little Pods and Klaus, well, he was setting up a new branch of his secret organization behind a wooly bookcase which he knitted himself.

'Hey come back here! You need to wear itchy wigs, or is it shoes, no its itchy wigs, so get your butts out here right now!' Mrs Pod was in a mood now.

The Baudelaires ignored her.

Mrs Pod screamed, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' As you can see she was pretty darn angry.

Mrs Pod tore down the front wall of the house.

'Do you think she wants something?' Violet asked Sunny.

'Grunt' Grunted Sunny. What she meant was either 'Nah, just ignore her' or 'Can I have a banana and cheese without the curry please?'

'Sunny, now you know I can't make that.' Replied Violet.

'Gruntygrunt' Said Sunny, she meant either 'Oh boy' or 'I chew monkey's bananas aunties', but seeing how she didn't have teeth, the second one was impossible.

Mrs Pod then vanished in a puff of nonsense and returned dressed as a fairy.

Mr Pod then turned up and calmly said 'Um… it might have come to your attention that the front wall of my house has kind of been ripped down, so could any of you pull yourselves away from your busy lives' (and this is where he gets REALLY angry) 'AND TELL ME WHAT THE BLAZES IS GOING ON HERE?'

'Calm down dear,' said Mrs Pod who was at the same time trying to clamp Sunny's mouth shut to stop her from teaching the Little Pods any more bad language. 'You'll make yourself ill.'

'Ooh, look at the pretty fairy!' said Mr Pod, pointing at his wife. He then promptly fell on the floor in a laughing fit.

'Oh dear.' Said Mrs Pod who swept Mr Pod with a dustpan and brush and dumped him in the "Conveniently Placed Teleportation Device" which wasn't so conveniently placed as it was in Hong Kong.

12 hours later, Mrs Pod came back to everything where she had left it, including Violet staring at the mirror squeezing non-existent spots and disapprovingly tugging at bits of invisible fat.

'Kids! I brought Chinese takeaway!' Yelled Mrs Pod.

Everyone got up and started snatching at bits of Chinese apart from one person.

'Sorry I can't eat anything, I'm watching my weight' explained Violet.

'Oh that's OK. I bought you something specially.' Said Mrs Pod as he pulled out a bag. 'It's a good wholesome bag of nothing. It's calorie and fat free!'

So Violet sat down and gladly ate her nothing.

I think we'll just leave it there for a minute, we can't disturb them eating their tea.

Now press that little purple button below and head off to chapter 3!