Disclaimer: Oh come on. Do I really need to run through all of this again? You know I own nothing, all original characters belong to their original authors and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

You're smart people, you'll get the point.

Chapter the thirdieth

I Can't Think of a Title

We rejoin the Baudelaires three days later, when they are about to leave the Pod house.

'Well so long suckers. We're never going to grace you with our presence again!' yelled Violet from Mr Pod's car.

'Hey! That's my wife you're talking to!' Mr Pod said angrily.

'Well its too big to be an elephant, so what else is it going to be?' replied Violet.

'I'm going to ignore that comment. If I tell the Mrs you said that, there'll be uproar'

So the orphans and Mr Pod set off on the surprisingly short journey to their new guardians house and put it this way: when I say short, picture a car going forward ten metres, turning right and stopping.

'Right then, here we are. Sorry that the drive took so long.' Said Mr Pod as he got out of the car and unloaded the orphans things from the boot of it.

'Grunt' said Sunny. (Moron)

The three orphans stopped and stared out of the windows of Mr Pod's car. They had pulled outside of what looked a bit like a gingerbread house.

Klaus spoke quietly into his "watch". 'We seem to have pulled up outside what looks like a gingerbread house. I am putting on code Hanzel and +. Over.'

'Who are you talking to?' asked Violet.

'Oh, um… my watch, it links back to a spy base and my boss listens to it to determine my next course of movement.' Klaus replied. He cringed. Oops. He thought. I've blown it.

'Oh yeah you're soooo funny Klaus.' Said Violet, sarcasticly.

Phew, that was close. Thought Klaus as he wiped his brow and sighed.

'Gruntup' said Sunny. (You're weird.)

'Come on children' said Mr Pod, opening the doors of his car.

The orphans stepped out, picked up their suitcases (which were surprisingly light which was unsurprising as most of their stuff had been burnt in the fire) and followed Mr Pod up the marzipan-paved path up to the gingerbread house.

'We really ought to leave a trail of breadcrumbs.' Said Klaus.

'Why?' asked Violet.

'I read about it in a story. Oh, hang on a minute, the breadcrumbs idea didn't work. Scrap that.' Replied Klaus.

As the orphans got closer to the house, they could smell freshly baked cookies and flowers and all things nice and all that mushy junk. When they eventually stopped at the big gingerbread door, Mr Pod pulled back the liquorice door knocker, and knocked on the door.

'Now children,' he said, 'I am going to leave you with Count Tootenn. He is in the theatre trade you know- he wants to become a professional actor. Anywho, he should be nice and all that. I've gotta run but I'll see you. Just explain who you are when he opens the door.'

Then Mr Pod ran off like he was afraid of something that was inside the house. The orphans didn't notice this as they were too busy ignoring him.

'What did the dude say?' asked Violet.

'Gruntoffolus.' Said Sunny (I don't know)

The door flung open and the orphans saw a man dressed in ridiculously bright, eye-burning clothes.

'Hello,' said the man 'I am Count Tootenn.'

'Count Tootenn?' asked Klaus.

'One, two three, four…' started Violet before Sunny hit her round the head with a mouldy fish pineapple.

'You must be those darling orphans. Come in, come in!' Squealed Count Tootenn with delight.

The orphans went in and sat down on candy floss sofas.

'Cookie?' asked the Count, holding out a tray of, you guessed it, cookies.

The orphans took a cookie each.

Suddenly, Lemony Snicket storms into the room.

'What is this?' he asked, 'Am I in some kind of warped dimension. Who are you?'

'We're Violet, Klaus and Sunny.' Said Violet, Klaus and Sunny. (Well Sunny grunted it.)

'Oh! I'm in my own book. I have got to be hallucinating again. Ah well, I'll just have to make the most of it. Hey… wait a minute.' Snicket started pointing at Count Tootenn. 'If you're the Count, aren't you meant to be evil and twisted and have some sort of tattoo?'

'Um... well… I…' started Count Tootenn.

'I get it! You thought you'd cut corners on this one. Well, I'm not having it. Count, you must be evil and have a tattoo.'

'Oh fine then,' Said Count Tootenn. He instantly redecorated his entire house, changed his clothes and tattooed a nose onto his nose. He took away the cookies from Violet Klaus and Sunny's hands.

'Hey!' the orphans chorused.

'That's better. I'll be off then,' Said Lemony as he walked through the window and drifted to fairy-land.

'Random,' Said the room. (Not the people in the room, you understand, the room itself.)

'Go do the dishes!' said Count Tootenn.

'But we only just got here' said Klaus.

'Go do the dishes!' Yelled Count Tootenn

'But I've only just done my nails! You can't expect me to wreck them can you?' asked Violet.

'GO DO THE DISHES!' Count Tootenn screamed so loudly that his head fell off.

A passing elf came in and re-stitched the Counts head.

By that point the orphans had already gotten up and were scrubbing the dishes reluctantly.

'Good children!' said the Count, 'Now stay here so that I can read the real book and find out what I'm meant to do next.'

'Gruntathon' said Sunny (I'm bored). Then she started firing spitballs at the back of Count Tootenn's head.

'Why you little…' He yelled as he ran towards Sunny and started throttling her in a way like Homer Simpson would do to Bart until Klaus managed to beat him off with a piece of dry bread.

'That's it!' screamed Count Tootenn, 'I don't care what the original book says, go to bed!'

The orphans then scuttled silently up to their bedroom, despite the fact that they had no idea of either where their bedroom was, or if they really ought to go.

Later

'Do you think he got a little stressy?' asked Klaus.

'I don't know. Maybe we should just wait and see what happens next. I think he'll probably just do what Lemontea Wicked said and be evil.' Replied Klaus.

'Nah' said Sunny.

Little did the sleepy orphans know that as they sat there, Count Tootenn was evilly plotting a plan to get the Baudelaire fortune. In fact, as he sat there, the Count let out an evil laugh that goes a little something like this: 'Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaohwahahahahahahahahahahahahablablahahahahahahahahamanananananananapoopaloopdepompompowwowwoop!'

The children heard this laugh and silently shuddered in their beds. Or they might have been laughing. I'm not too sure. Ah, well… I do know that the chapter ends…………………………………………………………here!

I know its not good but oh well, you stuck and read it.

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