Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any other series that is mentioned in this story.
AN: Beta-ed (and almost co-authored) by ikimi (LJ: theleaningelm). Here is the super condensed version of the conversation that lead to this crack fic:
ikimi: Ed and Roy are such angst muffins.
Ruina: Haha. FMA must be an angst bakery.
Angst Bakery
Roy found himself, inexplicably, standing in front a bakery. The words "Angst Bakery" were painted on a cheerful yellow background in bright blue letters and decorated with a chubby penguin in a chef's hat on the right and a fat dragon munching on a cookie on the left. How or why he was there was anyone's guess, but why the bakery had such a weird name...
"Good morning," the sales clerk greeted two customers cheerfully as the background flashed pink with blooming white roses, "What can I get for you today?"
Roy blinked, which he found hard in his current state. How'd he get inside?
"I need a dozen angst muffins," one of the girls answered, "Do you have any suggestions?"
"Yeah, me too. Any suggestion?" said the second girl, glancing at the first.
"Well, all of them are good!" the clerk beamed as she adjusted her red and white-checkered bandana. Sparkles and red hearts zoomed around her.
"I thought this was the Angst Bakery," muttered the first girl to herself, "How did she get hired?"
"Yeah," whispered the second, loudly, "I was thinking the same thing myself."
Roy, barely paying attention to his surroundings, tried to steeple his hands in imitation of deep thought, both of which he also found difficult in his current state—wait, just what was his current state anyway?
"The Edward Elric Angst Muffin," the sales clerk continued in a loud voice, ignoring the comments "is a favorite, and by far the most popular of our Fullmetal Alchemist line." Bubbles and white feathers floated down from a plot hole in the ceiling as the sales clerk began to sparkle even more. "The Jean Havoc muffin is also extremely popular, as well as the Roy Mustang muffin. However, if you're daring you should try our Envy muffin. Customers say that it has a bit of a psychotic taste, but most like it."
Roy startled as something caught his attention.
'I am a muffin?' He thought.
"Wrong!"
Suddenly all three females, sales clerk and customers, were glaring at him, the second one a little belatedly but the most vehemently.
"You are not a regular muffin, you are an Angst Muffin!" the three girls chorused.
'Huh?' Roy blinked, as he was pretty sure they weren't supposed to be able to hear his thoughts, 'How am I an angst-filled muffin?'
"I'll have three Ed Angst Muffins, two Jeans, two Roys, three Alphonse Elrics, one Alfons Heiderich, and one Scar muffin," said the first customer assertively, apparently no longer able to hear Roy's thoughts.
"For me, I'll have, lessee...three Ed muffins, three Roys, four Als—two of each kind, and two Scar muffins," said the second, glancing over at the first customer, who was now looking at Inuyasha muffins.
Cherry blossoms began tumbling out of the plot hole in the ceiling overpowering the white feathers and burying the red hearts, but the sales clerk continued on as if nothing had happened. "All right then, please wait a moment. Oh, and in addition to our Fullmetal Alchemist, Bleach, and Inuyasha Angst lines, we are coming out with a selection of Naruto Angst Muffins. There are some free samples on the counter. Please, help yourselves."
There was a ringing of a cash register, some murmured comments, and the tinkling of a bell. The last thing Roy heard was a snatch of conversation as the two customers struggled through the ankle-deep mixture of feathers, flowers, and hearts that covered the floor.
"So what's your name? I think I've seen you around here often,"
"Oh, mine's RoyxEd Author, what's yours?"
"Elricest Author-"
The next thing he knew, Roy was in the bakery alone with the sparklingly cheerful clerk. The plot hole in the ceiling began spitting out cherry blossoms with a vengeance, shooting them like small pink missiles at anything in the vicinity. He felt a strange sense of déjà vu.
"Good morning!" she chirped mechanically. "Would you like to try some of our famous Edward Elric Angst Muffins? Or maybe our second most popular Roy Mustang Muffins?"
Second most popular? Something in Roy snapped.
"Wait a minute! How am I second most popular! I should be the most popular Angst Muffin! All the girls flock to me!" Roy cried indignantly.
He shot up, suddenly realizing that he was in bed. 6:10 read the little mechanical clock at the end of his bed.
'Oh it was a dream,' he thought, swinging his legs, 'Wait, what was I dreaming about?'
"Oh well," he yawned and stretched, slipping his feet into his slippers. "I wonder if Happy Bakery is open right now. I really want some muffins."