Commencement Exercises

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Yeah, adding the smut in meant I had to resort to titling this with a word that fits but also doesn't!

This chapter is dedicated to PrincessSparkle because she worked out the title thing.

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Graduation

'I take it no one slept on the sofa last night,' was Sandy's mother's greeting the following morning.

Her son sighed and answered honestly, 'We were both really tired.'

'Uhu.'

'What's wrong now?'

'I don't like it, that's what.'

'We're perfectly capable of sharing a bed.'

'Yes, that much is evident.'

'What, so Jess is old enough to be a mother, twice over, yet I'm not ready to become a father?'

'I'm not worried about you.'

'Kirsten is gonna be a wonderful mother.'

'She's petrified Sandy, anyone can see that.'

'We've already discussed this.'

'Not to my satisfaction.'

'Huh, well I'm perfectly happy with that conversation. I'm happy with Kirsten, I'm happy with her being our child's mother, deal with it.'

'There's not much I can do about it is there?'

'No thank God.'

'Interesting you should say that.'

'What?'

'Talking of God…'

'Oh Lord!'

'Yes Sanford, have you thought about this child's upbringing?'

'A bit.'

'Obviously not enough.'

'Now as far as I'm concerned the West coast isn't exactly the most suitable place to raise a child…'

'It's as good as anywhere else.'

'I beg to disagree; far too much sun, exposure to the nonsense of Hollywood and a distinct lack of Jewish people.'

'There are Jews in California.'

'Half of the Rabbis are probably out of work actors.'

'Mother!'

'Just tell me have you and...' the Nana paused before continuing in order to emphasise her distaste once again, '…Kirsten discussed these things?'

'California is home Ma, Berkeley's a nice place, a good place to bring up kids.'

'Already planning more?'

'No, we'll just see what happens.'

'Mmmhmm, well I suppose it could be worse but the location isn't really what I'm worried about.'

'Oh, here we go.'

'Yes. Now, unless you can persuade that good-for-nothing wife of yours to convert within the next five months my grandchild won't be Jewish capiche?'

'Ma…'

'Have the pair of you talked about that?'

Sandy looked away, nodding ruefully.

'Fought about it?'

'Maybe.'

'Sore point?'

'With you around? Yes.'

'I just don't see why you couldn't choose a nice Jewish girl, or at least someone decent enough to convert. If she loves you as much as she says she does…'

'Kirsten loves me just fine. I don't want her to have to change for me and she doesn't want me to either.'

'You wouldn't.'

'I would if she asked.'

'Have you asked her?'

'It's not an issue Ma, religion isn't a big thing to us.'

'Then she won't mind…'

'I would mind.'

'So this poor child is going to be a Christian then is it?'

'You know there are plenty of people who consider themselves Jewish without having a Jewish mother.'

'Consider being the operative word.'

'Are you going to hold this against us all?'

'Perhaps.'

'We thought…he or she could be both.'

'Both?'

'Let them experience both and then choose, or maybe just never choose; be both.'

'You can't just pick and mix religions as you go along. Thank how confused your kid will be; he won't know whether he's coming or going or who he is.'

'I don't think being one religion or another makes it any easier to find yourself, maybe having two might be better; you get the best of both worlds.'

'You're such an optimist.'

'The child is part of both of us so he or she should share both traditions.'

'So I take it I'll have invites to both a christening and a naming ceremony, First communion and Bar Mitzvah?' Sophie Cohen asked, her voice hard with mocking sarcasm. 'Will the poor child have to fast for both Rosh Hashanah and Lent? Should I send Christmas or Hanukah presents?'

'Ma, don't be like that.'

'I'm just asking.'

'You can do what you want.'

'Fine. I'll make sure my grandchild is the most Jewish half-Jew in history.'

Sandy heaved a sigh; he felt sorry for their child already, maybe he and Kirsten should have eloped after all. Right on cue his wife stepped timidly into the kitchen and was immediately met by a pointed, faux-friendly greeting from her mother-in-law.

'Oh there you are Kirsten. Did you sleep well?'

'Yes, thank you.'

'You want any breakfast sweetheart?' Sandy cut in, preventing his mother continuing.

'I couldn't…thanks.'

'Just as well seeing as it's nearly lunch time.'

They both ignored her.

'Still not feeling so good.'

'Not really…um…Sandy, can I talk to your mom a minute…alone?'

'Think you're asking the wrong person there,' the Nana commented.

Her husband drew his large eyebrows together in surprise at his wife's request but complied, giving his mother a look on the way past that plainly said 'be nice or else'.

'And don't stand outside the door eavesdropping,' Kirsten added as he left.

'Mrs Cohen?' Her mother-in-law was busying herself over the stove and didn't turn round.

'Yes?' she said impatiently.

'I just wanted to apologise, for falling asleep last night. I know it was really rude of me and I'm sorry.'

'I'm just sorry our conversation isn't highbrow enough to keep you awake.'

'It was a long day and I'm really tired these days. That's the truth and that's my apology, you can take it or leave it.'

'How charitable of you.'

'I know what you're doing?'

'What's that?'

'Trying to get under my skin.'

'Oh really?'

'Yeah. Make Sandy and me as insecure as you possibly can, rile me enough to make me want to ask Sandy to choose between us, use the fact I'm pregnant to make me more emotional than I already am.

'You're very suspicious.'

'I'm not stupid.'

'What can I say? The day you married my son you came into the line of fire, can you handle that?'

'Sandy thinks he has to protect me from you, but you know what? I can hold my own if I have to.'

'Is that a threat Kirsten?'

'No, of course not. I'm just saying, fight with me all you want, it's not gonna change anything.'

'You're very confident young lady.'

'I'm never going to ask Sandy to choose between us; that's not fair…'

'Oh I think he's already made that choice.'

'We're here aren't we?'

'Under duress.'

'Sandy loves you.'

'Loves antagonising me.'

'He antagonises everyone. Look, all I'm saying is that I can't help him loving me and you're not gonna stop me loving him.'

'And I'm also not going to be able to stop him from loving you, that's plain to see. But it doesn't mean I have to like you.'

'I'm not saying you have to like me, or anything remotely near it, just please don't take it out on Sandy simply because he loves me.'

'I had no intention of taking out my dislike on Sandy…'

'Well you do, always harping on at him about me.'

'That's just voicing my concerns.'

'It upsets him you know.'

'He can stand it; he had a tough upbringing, none of the pampering you had.'

'I'm not going to defend my childhood or my family to you. I don't have to.'

'And I don't have to like you or you me.'

'I don't…not like you.'

'Come on Kirsten, I'm not a fool. I don't like you and the feeling's mutual.'

'But…you're Sandy's mom so in a way I can't dislike you. If it wasn't for you he wouldn't be here.'

'Any other reasons to like me?'

'Uh…'

'That settles it. We can be perfectly happy not liking each other.'

'I-I guess.'

'Do we have a deal? I begrudge you your place and you can begrudge me mine. It means we don't have to waste time pretending to be nice to each other.'

'Well…'

'What?'

'What about…'

'Yes?'

'What about our kids?' Kirsten smoothed a hand across her bump, 'I want you to like them, to be their grandma ungrudgingly.'

'Don't be so pathetic Kirsten, of course I'm going to like them. They're Cohens.'

'You know, I'm a Cohen now. Even though you don't want me to be.'

'In name perhaps, yes. Legally, by a scrap of paper. Blood is what matters Kirsten. Cohen-blood.'

'Fine. I'm a Cohen to Sandy though.'

'To Sandy you're everything and I can't seem to persuade him otherwise.'

'And even though they're not gonna be properly Jewish…?'

'Oh so you were eavesdropping.'

Kirsten blushed furiously, 'I couldn't help overhearing. You know, we have thought about it a lot and this is the easiest way.'

'I guess I'll have to live with it, you could easily deny me a grandchild.'

'I wouldn't. You're welcome any time.'

'You say that because you know I hate visiting California.'

'The offer still stands.'

'As does mine. I won't hold you being their mother against my grandchildren. What do you say?'

'You're a hard woman, but you have your deal.'

'This stays between us mind.'

'Of course.'

'Now, get out of my kitchen, I don't want you destroying lunch.'

'Thanks Mrs Cohen.'

'Sophie.'

'Huh?'

'I may not like you in the slightest but I think I can cope with you calling me Sophie.'

'OK…Sophie.'

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