Disclaimer: I don't own Dark Angel.
Story/ Author's Note: Alright, so this is a new type of story for me. I had this crazy idea and a strong urge to complain about my job one day, so I thought I'd parody it in writing. This is my first attempt at a comedy-type fic, so be easy, please! I don't know if it's any good, but I absolutely had to get this out of my system! Warning: This part has a bit of coarse language, but nothing too terrible, else I wouldn't have written it. It's also a bit rough on Logan, so if that bugs you... sorry? It had to be done.
"Are you sure it's here?" Max asked into her mini communicator. She was speeding down a slummy street in early-morning Seattle. The sun was just starting to chase away the gray light of dawn. The air smelled fresh and there was a cool crisp breeze playing with her hair as she rode on, but Max noticed none of it.
She was too busy trying to locate the address Logan had her chasing down. Well, Eyes Only had her chasing down. Logan's dual identity as a cyber-journalist did come with its perks, but it seemed to Max like she got the raw end of the deal all too often. Like hunting for a crook's hideout where he stashes his goods in the middle of nowhere!
"Yes, it should be just around this next corner. A dirty brown warehouse. It used to produce some pretty good quality tennis shoes back before the Pulse," came Logan's voice over the comm. It sounded muffled with static, but it was clear enough.
"Why is it always a dirty warehouse? Don't you think the bad guys would've learned by now that it doesn't make a good cover for them? It's the oldest trick in the book."
"C'mon, Max. Focus. The destination should be just ahead now."
"Huh, fine," she said grudgingly. Logan always had to ruin her fun like that. "Oh! I think I see it!" Finally!
"Good. Now, you know what to do."
"Always."
Max pulled her bike to a stop right in front of a run-down warehouse. Sure enough, it was dirty. It looked like it hadn't been used or cleaned properly in years. Go figure.
Max silently approached a large open room half hidden in shadows. She cased the place quickly to make sure she didn't run into any surprise visitors while she broke into the stash. This was going to be a speedy, clean, in-and-out operation. It had better be!
No one was around, so Max made her way to the back of the room. She pushed past a curtain of dusty cobwebs and wrinkled her nose at the musty smell permeating through the air. "Well, this place sure isn't gonna be featured in the Better Homes and Gardens magazine," she muttered.
Max took out a high-powered mini flashlight and pointed its beam over the walls, scanning for the tell-tale crack she was looking for. "Bingo!"
"You find it?" asked Logan expectantly.
"Well, I found its territory. X marks the spot, ya know?"
Max slid a thin metal pick through the crack and pressed down, prying the wall covering off of a safe hidden behind.
"You in yet?"
"Shh! Girl's gotta concentrate."
Max pressed her ear up to the safe door and started turning the big knob slowly to the right until she heard a soft 'click' with her genetically enhanced hearing. Then she turned it to the left. 'Click!' Right. 'Click!' She tugged on the handle gently, and sure enough, the door eased open under her pressure.
"Ha, gotcha! Easy. 'Kay, Logan, I gotta blaze. I'm already like two hours late for work," Max said lightly into the comm. while she stuffed the contents of the safe into a burlap sack.
Logan sighed in relief. "OK, Max. Thanks a lot. Good job."
Max smiled. "Hey, no prob. What're genetically engineered killing machines for, right?"
"Ha, right. Have a good day. Stay out of trouble."
Max heard Logan disable the communication line, and Max made for her bike. There's one Eyes Only case closed!
Just then, the sound of many footsteps caused Max to freeze. "Logan!" she said into the comm. in an urgent whisper. No answer. "Oh, damn!"
"Well, well, well. What have we here? It looks like we've got ourselves a little cat burglar on our turf, boys," drawled a cocky voice from the entrance.
Max turned around slowly to face a tall man with cold eyes and shaggy blond hair, surrounded by a group of three big toughs with scars from old fights and bulging muscles. Great.
"Oh, this is your turf? Sorry, didn't realize. I'll just leave, then. No hard feelings."
The man sidestepped to block Max's exit. "I don't think so. You've got some things of mine."
"Oh, these? Bought 'em at a garage sale. Needed a place to stash 'em. Saw this place and thought, 'Oh good, a warehouse,' but I guess it was taken."
Abruptly, the man slapped her hard across the face. "Don't be cheeky with me, sweetheart." He paused and looked at her as she glared at him with a hand on her injured cheek. "Shame. Such a pretty cat burglar, too."
"I'm flattered, really," Max spat.
"Give us the stuff, love."
"I gotta go to work now."
"Oh, I was under the impression this was your job. If that's the case, we wouldn't want to make you late. How 'bout you give us the stuff, and then you can be on your way. No hard feelings."
"No."
At her refusal, the man punched her hard in the face, sending her sprawling to the ground. Max felt her anger reach its boiling point. "Actually, I am harboring some hard feelings now." With that, she slugged the blond hard in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He fell to the ground and made a feeble hand motion to the toughs to attack.
The whole lot of them flexed their arms and closed in on Max. She bared her teeth to them in a feral snarl and took up a fighting stance. As the men threw punches and kicks in her direction, Max sprang into action and deftly blocked or dodged every one. She returned a few punches and well-aimed kicks that soon left all three of the big men heaped on the ground with fresh bruises forming.
Max dusted off her hands and sighed with satisfaction. "A good ass-kicking is such a perfect way to start my day."
She noticed movement on the ground and glanced down to see the blond leader staring at her with a look of bug-eyed disbelief, pushing his upper body upright so that he could see her properly.
"Thanks for the fun! And the goodies. Gotta blaze. Toodles!" She winked and turned to leave.
Max glanced down at her watch and noticed she was now almost three hours late for work. Oh well, Normal'll just have to deal. She hopped back onto her bike with the re-stolen goods in the sack strapped to the seat behind her.
"C'mon, people! Place of business!" Normal walked through the dispatch center with an air of importance, looking for something in all the clutter. "Bip bip bip! These packages aren't going to sprout legs and deliver themselves!"
Sketchy walked by and Normal reached out to hand him a package. "Hey, moron! You seen Max?"
Sketchy looked up, a bit startled to be put on the spot like that, but he opened his mouth for a few seconds before saying, "Uh, yeah, she had to go to this - "
"Ugh, save it. Well, if you see her, tell her to find another job. I don't do this for charity. I don't support delinquents and I can't afford to keep paying deadwood."
Alec stood behind Normal, stifling a laugh. He heard the skid of a bike in the lot and looked up at the entrance where, a few seconds later, Max came strolling in. "Op, I think I found her, boss!" he said expectantly.
"Oh, well, look who decided to grace us with her presence!" Normal spread his arms dramatically in mock welcome."So what were you doing these past three hours? Let's see, so far, I've been told that you caught the bird flu, you were wrongfully arrested, you were attending your uncle's second funeral, and you were being held hostage by thugs at the gas line," he ticked off on his fingers. "Care to clarify?"
Max pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Hmm. Let's go with door number three."
"Oh, I'm glad you think this is funny. Really. It's not like I need money, right? Heck, we could all just go live in a dirty back alley and eat in soup kitchens."
"How 'bout a dirty warehouse instead?"
"Does this warehouse have an unemployment help line?"
Max rolled her eyes. "C'mon, Normal. I'm here, right?"
"Not for long, Missy Miss! You're more trouble than you're worth. You can kiss your job good-bye."
"But Normal - "
"No 'but's! You're fired!"
"You can't be serious."
"Do I look like I'm kidding? Out, out! Shoo, be gone!" Normal shooed her away with his free hand while the other clutched his clipboard.
Max stared in disbelief at Normal's retreating back. Sketchy approached her cautiously. Alec stared in shock, too. He really didn't think that Normal would actually go through with it. He always made threats, but he never acted on them. Until now.
Original Cindy stalked over to where Max was standing. "Boo, you just gonna let him tell you off like that? You go lay the smack-down on his ass! He can't fire you!"
"Ummm, Cindy, he just did. As much as we don't like him, he is still the boss," Sketchy said with a wince.
"Oh, this is not over! Original Cindy is gonna lay it all out for mista big bad boss man!"
"Maxie, just gimme a day and I can talk him into letting you back on. You know how the man is," Alec offered comfortingly.
"No!" Max shouted suddenly. Alec's words made her snap out of her shock. She was stunned, but she hated having to be comforted. She could take care of herself!
"It's OK, I'd do it for ya. I'd even take off my shirt if it'd convince him," Alec said with a roguish grin, waggling his eyebrows and misinterpreting her response on purpose.
Max was in no mood for Alec's jokes and antics. "No, you guys just gotta let it go. I can take care of myself. I'll just go get a new job."
"Max, we can - "
"Girl, Original Cindy's gonna - "
"All we have to do is - "
"I said NO," Max cut them all off. They looked a bit hurt at her sharp response, but Max knew what she was doing. She'd help herself get back on her feet, like always.
Normal's distant shout rang through the building. "Bip bip bip!"
"Thanks, guys. Later."
And with that, Max turned and left her friends to gape at the door.
Max hopped on her bike and headed for Logan's. She was furious! In and out, he said. A quick little Eyes Only mission, he said. I just got fired for his fricking mission! The paycheck, the Sector Pass! All gone! She pulled the bike to a dangerous stop and stormed inside Logan's without knocking.
Logan jumped at the sound of his door banging open. "Max, I'm surprised to see you here right now. Shouldn't you be - "
"At work? Yeah, I should be, except that I just got canned!"
Logan was taken aback. "Oh, I'm sorry, Max. What happene - "
"Your little Eyes Only mission happened, and you turned off the damned comm. just in time to miss the little run-in I had with Goldilocks and the Three Bears!"
"Max, wha - "
"I got ambushed right as I was packaging the goods!" She threw the sack down onto the floor unceremoniously with a resounding thud. "This dumb blond and his three muscle-bound cronies tried to mess me up and take their stuff back, but luckily for me, I'm genetically enhanced to kick ass! Otherwise, who knows what might have happened, huh, Logan?"
Logan was stunned by Max's outburst. He felt awful for breaking the communication line before seeing her safely out of the target place, but he had to quickly cut off so the signal couldn't be traced. "Max, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry! I had no idea - "
"That I would get mugged? Well, maybe next time you should get me in and out of the mission before hurrying along with your safety features! Scratch that. Maybe you should just count me out of your missions next time, OK?"
A pained look crossed Logan's face as he tried to reason with Max. "Max, wait, you can't just - "
"Watch me." She walked to the door and grabbed the knob. Before leaving, she turned around, feeling a tiny bit of guilt for yelling at him like that. She looked over her shoulder. "I'll get over it, but you just remember this. And don't call me for a while, 'cuz I'm not gonna wanna talk to you for a couple of days, OK?" Then, without another word, Max turned and left a stricken Logan at his computer desk.
Max filled out applications everywhere she passed on the way home from Logan's. She smothered her anger just enough to appear as if she actually wanted to work at the places she entered. She even swallowed her pride and applied at fast-food joints. I'll show fricking Normal! I can get a job anywhere if I want to! And he'll regret firing me once he sees how the whole damn place goes down the toilet without me there to bail out his sorry ass!
The clerk at a cool clothing store was checking her out when she turned in the application. He's kinda cute! She smiled prettily at him, and he smiled appreciatively back. "You gonna work here?"
"Depends. Do I get an employee discount?"
"Huh, if you can call it one. Fifteen percent."
"Cool. See ya 'round."
"See ya."
Max left feeling confident. Piece of cake! I've as good as got that one!
She turned in more applications just in case, and called it a day when she got so sick of it that she couldn't even plaster a fake smile on. "I'm beat. Better head home." Max turned to go back to her apartment just as a familiar blond was stepping directly into her path, effectively blocking her. Max's eyes went wide. She pulled to a stop in front of him. Oh shit.
"Hello, love. Did you miss me?"
SMACK! Something slammed into the back of Max's head, and her world went black.
A/N: OK, so how was that? I hope you liked it, 'cuz I'm personally not so sure... I have other ideas for lighter stories, but this one will get... interesting... as it goes. If nobody likes this, no hard feelings (ok, maybe that pun was just slightly intended); I'll just quit while I'm almost ahead. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think of this!