Chapter Four
Revenge isn't always a good thing and here I didn't even think about it at first. Until My mom told me "All he wants is a rise out of you. He knows you'll react so just don't react. Don't care!" that's what I am going to do and have been doing. In fact its working because I really don't care his loss not mine I can find someone better who wont be a pig headed jerk! The only thing is now I have to find him. The thing is though I don't want to. I want a break from guys. I don't want to deal with the heart break, immaturity and competition I feel every time I'm around one.
I want to be friends with them for now maybe go with them to dances but that's it no boy friends. I'd rather hang out with my friends then with a boy friend. I feel like I should be finding myself and not a guy. A guy cant be me I can, but I have to find me before I can have a relationship with someone that wants to no who I am and wants to get to no me. If I don't know who I am then the wont. So I think my real problem is that I'm only 15 I'm not suppose to have a real relationship until I'm ready and as much as I want to be I'm not. If I don't know myself how am I suppose to no someone else?
I no every girl feels this way but when you see it and can say it and no it's a problem it feel worse. Knowing that all this time I thought I new who I was and just now finding out I didn't sucks because now I have to find me all over again. I don't no if I'm ready for that. I don't know if I want to no who I am. I mean there a part of me that does and then theirs the part that is afraid that I never will so theirs no point. I no I have to but I don't want to be disappointed in who I am and/or who I become. I want to be happy with me, and happy with everyone around me, and I want everyone around me happy with who I am too. I am Just scared that I will never find the real me and therefore neither will any guy which means ill be alone forever.
I no I always say I'm never going to get married I'm never having any kids and that's true but I at least want someone there who will be with me threw no matter what. I want someone who will care and stay with married or not. I may want to get married someday but right now I cant see me getting married I cant even seeing me find the right guy! Let alone get married! I'm afraid that it wont work that if I do that they'll leave and I'll just end up at the start of things again with a broken heart and I don't think I can take that. I can barely take it now just imagine when I'm older.
I want to work have a life live in a at least to me a big house with a backyard. I want to hang out with my friends on Friday night and have parties just to have one. I want to do all that stuff but I also want some one to experience it with. I no I'm to young to think about this stuff but I cant wait to grow up!
Mom my told me that I have always wanted to be an adult or older than I am. That ever sense I was a little girl I could wait to be a big girl so I could do big girl things. I've always had big expectations for myself and I always want to accomplish them and if I don't I get mad and frustrated and I want to kill something. The thing is though I think being an adult is a lot more fun then being a kid you don't have as many rules. The world is your playground and I want to see it be in it without my parents have to hold me down. I'm very adventurous. I want to find things out for myself. That's the way I am. I like knowing that I can make mistakes (not big ones) and no I have a place to come back to were people love me and understand.
My parents were trouble makers as kids/teens. I don't want to be that way but I no I might, but I still no that I want o try things for myself and see if they work for me. Just because they didn't work for them doesn't mean it wont for me. I'm not them. I no its hard for my mom to get that I'm growing up I'm not a baby anymore for as much as I no she wants me to be I'm not. I want a life outside of my house outside of my family. I want to do something I no know one has done before in my family. I want to perform I want to do what I like to do and get paid for it. As much as I no my mom doesn't want to me to I want to. I like the idea of being in front of an audience I like the idea of having fans and all that stuff. I think I can handle it all.
As you can already tell I am not one of those kids with rich mommy's and daddy's. My parents work hard for what they get. My dad works two jobs and still has time to do stuff with my sister and I. My mom works five days a week and takes care of my sister and I plus the house on the weekends. I love my parents but they still treat me like I'm two. I want to be an actress but my mom doesn't want to put me in that world. She thins its to cruel and that I wont be able to handle it. If I can handle high school I can handle the press. Its all the same little lies to make our lives seem more exiting then they really are. People like hearing about how people are messing up now a days. I hate that its like everyone ahs to no everything because there famous so if famous people are perfect who is. Oh Oh pick me I no the answer to that one hey lets try NO ONE! I mean seriously who does anyone no who is perfect in every way and have never done anything wrong in there live. I cant name one person! Why try to be some one your not. I hate that! That's why I don't care what others think of me. If they don't like me for who I am then That's there Problem not mine because they don't know me. So what's the point of wasting my breath on some who doesn't care or want to care.