As the title may have told you, this fic is supposed to be centered around Hinata. Supposed to be. I tried, but I don't know what happened. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm not sorry at all. But saying sorry makes me seem like a better person, doesn't it?
Disclaimer: If I don't own anything except this travesty of a plot.
Hinata's Bad Morning
It was a warm, sunny morning in Konohagakure and the birds were singing in the trees. Pissed that the stupid birds had woken her up, Hinata shot them down with her kunai and a stale loaf of bread.
"Get the fuck up!" she yelled at Gaara, rolling him off her bed, "This is my bed, not yours!" A fight ensued over the bed that involved lots of screaming, four jars of grape jelly, and a box of staples. Tired of watching the tussle, Asuma kidnapped the two fighting shinobi and dropped them into a lake. Hayate, who had been observing them, sent his squad of trained gerbils to pull the ninja out of the water. He had to salvage that grape jelly. It was his number one priority.
Over at some random bridge, Team 7 was waiting for their sensei that was never late and watched Kabuto's lifeless body float past them. He looked vaguely decomposed, as if he'd been floating for a few days. Delicious.
"And stay out!" Lee screamed at Kurenai, tossing Akamaru out of the door with her.
"Ramen…that's disgusting!" Naruto exclaimed, throwing Akamaru into the air and doing a Naruto Rendan on the poor dog. It gave a feeble whimper and continued sleeping. It would take more than that to wake him up from his mid-morning nap.
"He totally jacked that move off of me…" Sasuke mumbled to nobody in particular, unwilling to admit that he had jacked the move off of the spandex-clad Lee first.
"Shikamaru is mine, you whore!" Temari cried as she sent Haku through the bridge, over the hospital, under the training grounds, around Ton-Ton and straight into a telephone pole.
"I'm…a…guy…" Haku managed to croak before Neji shoved a bowlful of curry into his mouth.
"Wake up Gaara, wake up!" Iruka sobbed, "Don't die on me!" Coughing, the Kazekage told him, "I…love…bunnies," and the chuunin howled in disbelief. This couldn't be happening to him. Not now, not today! He pulled a small package out of his pocket and began to gnaw it open.
"Naruto-kun!" Hinata growled, pulling Naruto through the bottom of the bridge and grabbing him in inappropriate places.
"Okaa-san!" Naruto screamed, reaching for Shizune, "Sadako's come for me!" as Hinata's dripping wet hair covered her face. She was in dire need of a haircut and a proper bath. Or maybe that was just the smell of Kabuto's dead body.
"Huh, damn kids." Kisame muttered to himself as he kicked Tayuya into the ocean.
"Kiba!" Shino shouted, "It's not what you think! I love you too! Why can't we all just be friends?" and Kiba ran off in tears. He couldn't believe that he fell of such a dirty cheater.
"Scissors beats paper." Kakashi said calmly, and Gai spontaneously combusted from losing yet another game of rock paper scissors.
"Sakura…I want you!" Sasuke whispered in her ear, tearing off her clothes in the process. Sakura fought back and howled in horror, "Orochimaru-sama, save me!" but he never came and Sasuke had his way with the pink-haired kunoichi.
"Dude, that's disgusting." Hanabi commented as she passed by, walking Chouji on a leash. She kicked him and ran off with Kimimaro. Chouji rolled over into a ditch on the side of the road and played dead in case she came back.
"Shit," Chouji groaned, "How'd she find out I wasn't really a porcupine?"
Back under the bridge, Kisame found Hinata molesting Naruto and told them to get a room. Enraged, the Hyuuga bit the Akatsuki member in the leg and hurled him across Konohagakure, past a river, and into the middle of Otogakure where a battalion of fire ants crawled into his nonexistent socks.
With his clothes in tatters, Naruto attempted to crawl away from the angry kunoichi, but his efforts were in vain. Hinata pulled him back under the water and all hell broke loose. The bridge finally collapsed after having two giant holes put through it, Sasuke and Sakura plunged into the river, and the telephone pole crashed down onto Haku.
"…Not my problem." Neji proclaimed, throwing his hands up and walking from the squished person of indeterminable gender. He was so cool that he didn't have to give a fuck about anyone. Or anything. Because he was just that cool.
"Orochimaruuuuuuuuuuu!" Itachi wailed, tearing through the village at breakneck speed, followed closely by a rabid Tenten who wanted a piece of the Uchiha. She had heard that his hair was really a wig and was determined to find out for herself. If it really was a wig she felt that she had a duty to expose Itachi for the fraud and liar that he was.
Emerging from the surface of the water, Hinata looked around for Naruto. He could run, and he could hide, but Hinata was going to find him.
"Byakugan!" Hinata muttered, glancing around the area. A little blond speck in the distance caught her attention and she grinned evilly. Her poor, unfortunate target had been sighted.
About one kilometer away, Temari was running after a frightened Shikamaru. Suddenly a shuriken flew past he left ear and landed in the bark of a nearby tree with a solid thunk.
"What the fuck?" she snapped, whirling around to find Zabuza behind her, wearing a too-tight Speedo and a large, cocky grin.
"Where's Hyuuga Neji?" he asked, swinging his giant katana across his shoulder and accidentally slicing his own head off.
"Darn, not again…" cried his head as it hit the ground and rolled away as his body fell to the ground with a thump.
"It's alright, my precious…" Sasuke told Sakura as he dragged her out of the water and towards the Uchiha residence with Hayate close behind them. Damn horny teenagers.
"What!" Neji exclaimed and the other Neji who wasn't really Neji but was pretending to be Neji shushed him.
"I'm hiding from Hinata." the Neji who wasn't really Neji and was only pretending to be Neji but was really Naruto whispered.
"Whatever, just don't get in the way." the real Neji whom wasn't pretending to be Neji because he really was Neji said and walked away. Hinata, who was watching from the shadows, frowned in confusion and followed one of the Nejis.
"Help me, Orochimaru-Sama! Save me, damn it!" Itachi screamed, trying to pry Tenten's teeth out of his arm. Kimimaro cackled evilly, wondering if Itachi or Tenten had noticed the genjutsu that made Itachi look like a giant shrimp with a bad wig. Probably not, as neither of them had dispelled the illusion yet.
"Should we do anything about this, Godaime-Sama?" Kakashi asked, watching the odd proceedings of the residents of Konoha and the other random ninja that had arrived out of nowhere.
"Forget it and get me some tea" Tsunade barked at him, putting her feet up on her desk. She was the head bitch in charge and made sure everyone knew it.
"But we don't have any more." Kakashi told her, backing away slowly.
"Who is the Hokage?" Tsunade asked in a deadly whisper. She made a quick violent motion with her hads that indicated that she would not hesitate to suffocate him in her ample cleavage if he disobeyed her.
"Um, you are?" Kakashi squeaked, putting his hands over his head and crying. He remembered the last time he disobeyed her with a shudder. He'd blacked out for two days and woke up in a broom closet next to a very touchy-feely Kisame.
"THEN GO BUY ME SOME FUCKING TEA!" the fifth Hokage roared, throwing a stapler and several ugly paperweights out the door after him.
"Sasuke! SASUKE!" Sakura shrieked, desperately trying to tell Ino where she was. If she wasn't rescued soon she would end up knocked up or would simply die from the way Sasuke was using that frying pan on her.
"What? I can't underst-" Ino said, and the phone line went dead. Sasuke grabbed Sakura and dragged her off to bed again, ignoring her shouts of protest and her screams of pain. He's never been with any other girl before and assumed that the screams meant that she liked what he was doing. At least, that's what the internet had taught him.
"Orochimaru-Sama! Make Sasuke stop it!" Sakura groaned, grabbing onto a random door frame as if her life depended on it. If he violated her onemoretime, she was going to lose her mind. He had done things with his equipment that she never even thought was possible.
"Orochimaru, why is everyone calling to you for help?" Jiraiya asked him, taking notes on the proceedings in Konoha. They would make great material for his next volume of Icha Icha Paradise. This kid was doing things to her that he'd never even seen done before. He didn't even know that legs could bend that way!
"The fuck if I know." Orochimaru snarled, rolling gracelessly out of bed and landing on the cold floor with a resounding thump. He continued rolling until he was under the bad and fell back asleep.
"Loser." Jiraiya said, rolling his eyes and staring at his frying pan.
"I found you," Hinata murmured, putting her hand down Neji's pants, "You thought you little transformation would fool me?" The Neji that wasn't really Neji but was only pretending to be Neji to be safe from Hinata sighed in relief. Hinata was molesting the wrong Neji.
Taking pity on the elder Uchiha, Hanabi dispelled the genjutsu and Tenten found herself biting a very frightened Itachi in the arm.
"I'm sorry…you looked like a giant onigiri…" Tenten began, but she didn't finish because the elder Uchiha ran away screaming like a little girl, holding onto his wig, which kept slipping off his shiny bald head. Tenten was so alarmed that she completely forgot about the wig.
"What a DORK." Hanabi snorted and wandered off to find her porcupine. If she could knock it out swiftly it would make a very nice soup and several thousand sandwiches. It really was quite abnormally fat.
"Hinata…why is your hand in my pants?" Neji asked his cousin as calmly as possible.
"Don't play dumb, Naruto." Hinata cackled, "I know you transformed into Neji. You thought I wouldn't dare to molest someone who looked like my older cousin, right?"
Naruto watched the episode with amusement and turned back into himself. Even though Hinata was being a creepy weirdo today, he decided that he would be quite uncomfortable watching her get it on with her cousin.
"Whoa. It's Hyuugacest!" he cried, pointing accusingly at Hinata.
"Whatever, Naruto. At least I'm going to get some."
Everybody filed into a bar and got wasted and it ended with Inuyasha tied to the Hokage's mailbox, wondering why the hell he was surrounded by drunk ninjas with forks.
End.
Anyways, I don't know how Inuyasha ended up there…I just needed an ending and my friend said, 'Orevbreyigfvnkewgugmc' which I so skillfully interpreted as 'Tie Inuyasha to a mailbox'. Is anyone still reading this note? If you are, I want you to know that I love you for still reading this. Platonically.