A/N Thanks to my reviewers for my first chapter…all two of you. You will receive personal responses, I just wanted to get another chapter up first.

I've uploaded this on the hottest day in the UK….probably ever. As we speak it's about 102C and I'm melting, so reviews would be nice, just as a bit of added incentive.

Anyway, on to the next chapter, more soon. Promise!

CHAPTER TWO: TRUE FEELINGS?

James reached home at last and went inside. He found Lily in the kitchen, preparing a meal. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, quietly watching her as she worked, studying the look of rapt concentration on her face. Moments like this always reminded James of all the years at Hogwarts when he had watched Lily in classes. Then, as now, she would focus solely on the task before her, nibbling slightly on her lips, her eyes glazed over as her mind focused on what she was doing.

James watched Lily for what seemed like a long time, while she continued to cook, completely oblivious to his presence in the room. After several long minutes, James coughed softly, and Lily immediately turned towards him, a wide smile on her lips. She put down the knife she was using to chop vegetables and turned to him; she walked swiftly towards him and kissed him softly. Instinctively James slipped his arms around her and held her close. At times like this James was almost able to convince himself that even if Lily couldn't say it, she must love him. The look in her eyes, the way she held on to him, said as much as words. But then he would cup her face tenderly between his hands and tell her he loved her. Lily would smile and agree with him, without ever saying the words he longed to hear. Then the truth would dawn on him. Lily was dependent on him. She had no other real family except for a slightly batty old woman who wouldn't be around much longer, her mother's cousin, the woman Lily had lived with briefly after leaving Hogwarts, and a sister who had abandoned her. Lily had latched on to James after her parents deaths; he was her security, someone who had eventually given her a home and a fresh start. She must be grateful for what he'd done, but whatever way he chose to look at it, gratitude wasn't the same as love.

Lily and James spent time, as they did every evening, telling each other about the day they'd had. Lily told James that she'd spent some time on the wards at St Mungo's that day, putting some of her Healer training into practice. She laughed as she explained that most of her time was spent healing injuries from spells that had gone wrong, including one wizard who had managed to turn himself purple while attempting to magically dye his hair. 'He looked like a giant raspberry!' Lily giggled, her face alight with joy.

James laughed with Lily, enjoying her pleasure in something that she'd found so funny. Then she straightened her face as she asked James about his own day. 'Oh, it was all right', he said, his mind going over the events of the day once more, 'but I tell you, if Moody yells 'Constant vigilance Potter! Constant vigilance!' at me once more this week I won't be answerable for what I do. Honestly, that man is so paranoid. I swear he sees enemies and spies around every corner'. Lily nodded sympathetically, 'Well, I suppose it's the job isn't it? I mean, he's been an Auror for ages, he must have seen some awful things in his time, you know, what with Voldemort and everything, its bound to make him suspicious of people'.

James was struck immediately by the irony of Lily's words. She seemed to be able to understand Alastor Moody, James's Auror instructor, and the reasons behind his outlandish behaviour, but she couldn't see what was going on right under her nose. She couldn't see that her own boyfriend was having serious doubts about how long their relationship would last if she couldn't express her feelings.

Lily must have sensed that James had stopped listening to her. Suddenly he was aware of her waving her hand in front of his face. 'Where did you go off to just then? For a minute I don't think you were here,' she said, a concerned expression in her eyes. James forced a smile on to his lips. 'Oh…you know…I'm just….er….. a bit tired…long day and everything', he replied, recovering himself quickly. Lily seemed to study his face for a moment, still looking worried. 'James are you all right? Is there something wrong?' she asked, watching his face intently. For a moment James wondered if he should say something about his feelings. Was it really the time to have the talk he knew he and Lily would have to have at some point, the discussion that would probably end their relationship? As soon as he thought about it, he knew he couldn't do it yet. The expression in her eyes was so full of worry, worry for him, that he just couldn't bring himself to say anything. This was another one of those moments when he could believe that Lily loved him. He wanted to hang on to that, just a little longer.

The evening went on as normal. James and Lily enjoyed a relaxed meal together, talking more about their day. James had to admit that Lily might not be forward with her emotions, but she excelled in cooking. It was usual for her to finish her training each evening before him, so she would come home and prepare a meal for them both. James had given up questioning why Lily insisted on cooking the Muggle way, rather than by magic. He couldn't see the pleasure in standing around preparing something just to eat it. Lily had explained many times that she just enjoyed cooking. She found it relaxing after a day in training and also, she didn't want to lose sight of her own Muggle background. In spite of himself, James understood that. Lily had essentially lost her family, her blood family; perhaps holding on to some Muggle skills was a way of keeping them with her? He pushed away a niggling thought that maybe she wanted to hang on to some of her Muggle ways because she wasn't happy with him and didn't want to lose skills she would need if she ever wanted to go back into the Muggle world.

After the meal James washed up and Lily dried the dishes. Suddenly James doubts and fears surfaced again. He knew it was the normality of the evening that did it. There he was, tidying up from the evening meal with his girlfriend, the woman he loved more than anything else in the world, but inside, he knew the scene wasn't normal. There was something between them, a secret of sorts that would have to be faced one day. As he stood beside Lily he decided that the time had come. As Lily reached her hand out to take a plate from him James took his chance. Instead of passing her the plate from the sink, he reached out and grasped her hand in his. Lily turned her head so she was looking him in the eye. She smiled softly, 'What's all this James? Come on, lets finish this and then we'll have time for…other things'. She fluttered her lashes flirtatiously at him.

James felt his heart rate speed up. Lily hadn't taken her eyes off him and he hadn't let go of her hand, the atmosphere in the room had suddenly become charged with electricity which seemed to flow between James and Lily from their clasped hands and locked gaze. Then James remembered what he was doing. He released Lily's hand and turned to face her. She looked at him questioningly. 'James, what are you….' she was interrupted as James leaned towards her and kissed her softly on the lips. 'I love you' he sighed, as he stroked her cheek tenderly with the back of his hand. He felt that if this was going to be the end, he wanted to remember her, take the image of her into his heart and mind and keep it there forever….with him. Lily beamed with pleasure before she inched closer to James and kissed him again.

For one wonderful moment James thought she was about to say how she felt, without holding back anything. He held her to him as she pulled out of the kiss and looked up into his eyes, he caught his breath as she opened her mouth to speak, 'Yes, I know you do, and I….' James felt his heart turn over in his chest. She was going to say it…she was! '…think we should finish this washing up' Lily said, turning back to the sink as James came down to earth with a resounding thump.

James felt crushed. It was as if Lily had taken his heart out and stamped all over it. The disappointment he felt washed through his entire body, almost making him shake. He had to take a second to try to steady himself. Then the reality of the situation sank in, flooding through him in an overwhelming rush. Lily didn't love him. He had desperately wanted her to prove him wrong, but the way she had just stood and responded to him so dismissively proved it. She didn't love him, she probably never had.

In a second his disappointment turned to anger. How could she deceive him like that, not only now, but for a whole year? How could she get together with him while they were in their last year at school, knowing he loved her, knowing he had already loved her for years and knowing that she didn't love him? How could she be so cruel? James knew he hadn't been an angel at school, he and his friends, the Marauders, had fooled around and pulled daft pranks. He had constantly followed Lily around at one stage, practically stalking her in the hope that one day she would fall for him like he had for her, but even then, they might have argued sometimes, but he had never been deliberately cruel to Lily. He loved her too much for that. But now, here she was and she had deliberately deceived him. Suddenly, as much as he loved her, he was furious with her. He finished the last few pieces of washing up and then he turned to Lily again. He took a steadying breath before he said what he knew he must say. 'Lily, I've been thinking….' He was interrupted by Lily as she grinned, 'Oh really, well there's a first' she laughed for a second, but stopped abruptly when she realised James was serious. She looked at him quizzically. 'I'm sorry, go on, what is it you've been thinking about?' she asked, raising her eyebrows.

James turned over in his mind what he wanted to say. Could he outright ask her if she loved him? He rejected the idea immediately. He knew perfectly well that if he asked, Lily would just give one of her usual answers, and would avoid saying the actual words. Then he would get angry and they'd end up fighting. The last thing James wanted, if they were going to break up, was to have it all end with a fight. He also realised that if he asked the question, Lily could easily say no and then they would really be finished. As much as he loved her, there was no way he was going to beg her to love him or cajole her into saying what he wanted to hear. If Lily ever did say 'I love you' he wanted it to be because she meant it, not because he'd had to drag it out of her. He'd worked so hard to build a relationship with her. If Lily turned around now and said she didn't love him, James knew he would lose the will to fight for her. What would be the point? James also knew that as hurt as he was, as angry as he felt at the moment, he wasn't ready to end things with her yet. He couldn't do it. He decided that he needed to get away from her for a while, to give them both chance to think about what they wanted from their relationship or how, if it was over, they would deal with ending it.

All the time James was turning his thoughts over in his head, Lily was watching him intently, waiting for him to speak. James noted somewhere in the back of his mind that she looked intrigued. She clearly didn't have a clue what was coming. He tried to be as calm and clear as possible. 'I…I've decided I'm going to go and stay with Sirius for a while, at his flat'. Lily's eyes widened in shock. 'Why, is Sirius all right?' she asked quickly, her voice showing her concern. James nodded, 'He's fine. No Lily, it's me…I need some space for a few days….I think we both do'.

James was finding it hard to stay calm. Lily had a bewildered look on her face; she clearly didn't understand what he was talking about. In the past James would have tried to explain himself, but now he forced himself to hold back. He was afraid that if he pushed at the moment, explained what he was doing and why, Lily would feel obliged to tell him she loved him. He wanted her to say it because she felt it, not as a means of keeping him with her. Lily stared at James, clearly trying to gather her thoughts. Then she spoke, her voice sounding almost afraid. 'But I don't understand James, why do you need to go to Sirius's to have space? We have our own rooms here, we have our own lives. You don't need to move into Sirius's…' then suddenly she seemed to comprehend what he was getting at, 'unless of course it's me you need to be away from'. James responded by saying nothing. Lily took that as confirmation. 'Oh, I see' she sounded stunned, as if she could hardly believe what was happening. 'But you just said you love me, why do you want to be away from me if you love me?'

Any anger that James felt died when he heard Lily's tone. In the past, if they argued she would stand her ground and come back at him with some strong words. Now she sounded dazed, confused and hurt and he could hardly stand it. He was immediately torn. Part of him wanted to forget the whole thing and go back to that moment when he kissed her when they were doing the washing up. He tried to convince himself that he didn't need words to know how Lily felt about him. Actions spoke louder than words. But then the question rose up in him again. If Lily loved him, why couldn't she tell him? Looking at her now, seeing how confused she was, James could see that Lily didn't even realise they had a problem. His announcement had been a complete shock to her. He knew they couldn't move on until Lily could see they had a problem and he couldn't explain the problem to her without feeling that he was forcing her to say something she didn't really feel. James knew in the long run, that would just make the problem worse. With that in mind, he spoke. 'I do love you, but I think we both need some time to think about how we feel about each other and….' Lily interrupted him, her eyes wide and her tone desperate. 'But we know how we feel, don't we?' James shook his head, again ignoring the temptation to ask her how she felt. 'No Lily, I'm not sure we do….at least not both of us'. Lily gaped at James, clearly still bewildered about what was happening. James could see she was trying to take in what he was saying. 'So…so does that mean you're leaving me?' she asked. James watched her swallow hard as she finished speaking. He had to battle with himself not to put his arms around her. Whatever she had done, or rather, not done, he hated hurting her like this. But even so, he couldn't be with someone who didn't love him. He shook his head uncertainly, 'No, but I do think we need to have a think about what we want and if we have a future together'.

Before Lily could reply, and before he could change his mind and stay, James turned away from her and walked out of the room. He went upstairs and quickly put a few things into a bag before he went back downstairs and out through the front door, leaving Lily to try to understand what had just happened between them.