A/N: This was posted aeons ago under the title of "If Mary Sue Had a Pet Monkey". Unfortunately I had it taken down again and again without much of an explanation. I have made changes as to what I THINK may have been wrong with it. This is not an MST, I have written everything here myself. If I am doing anything wrong, please inform me immediately and I will make the necessary changes.

This was written just after the first movie came out, which means there will obviously be no spoilers for DMC and also means that the pop-culture references will be VERY dated.

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it? (pats monitor fondly)

This is a crazy fic idea that I had when I wanted to mock all those crappy Mary Sue stories out there. I'm not sure if it's funny (no-one seems to think so), but in my own defence, I'd like to say I'm not a funny person IRL.

Co-written by Danielle (check out her fic! plug)

Disclaimer: Disney owns POTC and anything POTC related. Most quotes you'll find here are either Buffy or Alias quotes.

It was a balmy summer's night on Tortuga. The less than savoury inhabitants of the equally less than savoury town were out doing what they did every night – drinking each other under the table, or on top, whichever way you prefer it.

But those sober enough espied a girl walking along the beach. She looked frightened and lonely, yet her appearance was striking.

Author: Aren't they always?

AngryReader: Shut up and keep writing! Oh yeah and pass me those Gummi bears. Mummy wants her Gummies.

Her white gold hair reached her waist and her skin shone like the moonlight.

PickyReader: Sounds like a Veela to me.

AngryReader: Hey! Am I here to read Harry Potter comparisons? Get on with the story!

But the most amazing thing about her were her eyes.

CynicalReader: Here we go. Are they going to shine like the starlight, be "dark and stormy" or are they gonna contain a heat "so fierce that no-one dared to look into them"?

OptimisticReader: I'm sure the author will come up with something better than that.

They were the colour of the sea.

All Readers: I knew it!

But changed according to her mood. Sorta like chameleons, except that it's the chameleon's skin that changes as opposed to its eyes and last time I checked, skin and eyes were totally different. Come to think of it, maybe chameleons aren't that good of an example. More like mood rings since her eyes changed because of her moods and not because she needed camouflage in her surroundings.

CynicalReader: Wow! She managed to spend at least 5 lines describing a girl's EYES!

This girl's name was Cecilia-Gertrude-Melody-Harmony-Glory-Anyaka-Olaf-Crystal-Buffy-Cordelia-Daisy-Mary-Kate-Ashley Moonshine. But it was usually Ethel for short because of an incident that happened with a bottle of Listerine, a puppy, a sparkler and mass amounts of cheese.

ON THE BEACH

Mysterious Figure 1: How you doin'?

Ethel: (helpless voice) I'm lost and I need a job at a bar so I can conveniently meet a certain Captain Jack Sparrow – er, I mean because I need the money.

Mysterious Figure 1: Okay, come with me now, if you will……

So Ethel and the MF1 walk off. But little does the MF1 know that the girl he was taken had a much more mysterious past than his figure-y-ness.

CynicalReader: Ah, I was wondering when that'd come along.

HappyReader: What, her past?

CynicalReader: No the pizza, douchebag. Get the door!

Constructive criticisms, flames, praises, comments on how to kill myself in the most gruesome way possible are all welcome.