A/N Another chapter in my story, which I hope you'll enjoy. This one concentrates on James and Sirius, and perhaps addresses some thoughts some of you have put to me in reviews. The next chapter may be mainly Lily and Sirius, or it may be Lily and Sirius at first and then move on to how Lily and James resolve the mess they are in. We shall see! Anyway, as ever, read and review, you know I like it!
CHAPTER FOUR: POTTER'S BEST FRIEND
Sirius Black stared at his friend in what could only be described as astonishment. He felt his mouth fall open in shock. He could hardly believe what he had just heard. James had left Lily? Even as he thought it, he still couldn't take it in. Something drastic must have happened.
Sirius remembered all the years James had tried to get Lily to go out with him. James and Sirius had shared a dormitory with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew at school. Collectively known as the Marauders, they were the school pranksters, but they were also the closest friends Hogwarts had ever known and as such, James shared all his 'Lily disasters' as they came to be known, with them, often, Sirius thought wryly, in the early hours of the morning, when he relived any argument he'd had with Lily, in his sleep. He would moan in his sleep for a while and then, when this stopped, he would progress to muttering to himself, and throwing himself around on his bed. The other Marauders had tried everything to stop him, including throwing pillows and other assorted items to wake him. James would just wake for a moment, glare at whoever he suspected of throwing whatever had hit him, and then he would settle back down again, only to start moaning again five minutes later, thus starting the whole cycle off again. In the end the Marauders gave up the fight but much relief was evident in Gryffindor Tower when they'd all mastered the Silencing Charm.
Sirius cast his mind back to the 7th year when Lily heard the news of her parent's deaths. James and Lily were just getting used to being Head students (well, James was getting used to it, Lily was just biding her time until she could persuade Dumbledore that James Potter and Head Boy were not normally words that should be seen in the same sentence) when Lily received a letter during breakfast one morning. Sirius could still recall the sound of the redhead as she released an agonised cry before she stood and, with tears streaming down her face, stormed from the Great Hall. It took James Potter about half a second to rise and follow her, his legs going as fast as they could carry him.
That was the beginning of James and Lily. At first though, James was more concerned with helping Lily through her bereavement than in trying to get her to go out with him. Sirius knew that at first Lily had been suspicious of James; she just couldn't see that he wanted to help her. But what Lily didn't know then was that James Potter's own parents had died suddenly during the fourth year, so he knew better than most what Lily was going through.
James had refused point blank at fourteen to let anyone know about his parents except for the Marauders and his teachers. He hadn't wanted anyone's pity, so even Lily Evans, who James had loved almost from the moment he laid eyes on her, didn't know. James told Sirius later that when, that morning in the 7th year, he told Lily about his parents she refused to believe him. She thought it was just another of his ploys to get at her. But then he stood and told her about his parents, their lives, what they'd done, and how much he loved and missed them still and she could see he was telling the truth.
There were other setbacks of course over the next few weeks; Lily found it hard to adjust to this new, mature, sensitive James Potter. But, as Sirius knew he would, James stuck to her like glue, always there with an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, which James had said, she had done, a number of times, and soon she began to trust him. In time companionship turned to friendship and then James admitted his feelings for her and found, Sirius smiled fondly at the memory, that Lily felt exactly the same. It was official. James and Lily were in love. Then Lily received a letter from her sister, disowning her and blaming her for her parent's deaths. Naturally, Lily was devastated. Sirius could still hear Lily as she sobbed in James's arms.
Once school was finished for good Lily moved in with a distant relative of her mother's. Sirius never met the woman but he knew James couldn't stand her. Behind her back (and Lily's, Sirius had to admit) he called her 'that witch'. Sirius had roared with laughter and pointed out that his 'beloved Lily' was a witch! James had just snorted and said he meant 'witch in the bad sense of the word….that woman is evil, pure evil!' So, nine months into his relationship with Lily, James Potter asked Lily to move in with him. He was ecstatic when she agreed, providing certain conditions were in place. The conditions caused Sirius some amusement, but he knew that in the end, James loved Lily and wanted whatever she wanted. It was that simple. They seemed blissfully happy together, which is why Sirius was now sitting in his flat, with his mouth gaping so much it was practically on his knees.
After a moment of silence, in which Sirius kept opening his mouth to speak, before appearing to change his mind and close it again, and James shifted somewhat nervously in his seat, unsure of how to gauge his friend's reaction, Sirius found his voice. 'You've….you've left Lily?' It was as if he needed to hear it again to confirm that he hadn't gone mad or misheard the first time. James released a breath of air he hadn't even realised he'd been holding and nodded. 'I….think I have….maybe'. Sirius shook his head rapidly to clear his thoughts, and then he collected himself and sat up straighter on his chair. Something was obviously not right here and he was going to get to the bottom of it. Frowning uncertainly, he looked James in the eye. 'Prongs, are you messing about, playing some sort of stupid joke on me, because if you are, it isn't funny, so pack it in'. James groaned and ran a hand through his hair, making it twice as untidy as normal. 'I'm not joking Padfoot, I'm deadly serious. I've left Lily…..maybe'. Sirius shook his head again in bewilderment. 'What do you mean, there's no maybe to it is there? Surely you've either left her or you haven't, so which is it?' James sighed, 'Well, I suppose I have'.
Sirius Black felt his jaw dropping again as he listened to James. Pulling himself together, he swallowed quickly. He still couldn't understand what James was talking about. James practically worshipped Lily, there was no way he'd leave her, so what on earth had happened? He cleared his throat before he could speak again. 'So are you going to tell me why?' James sighed heavily again. 'Because she doesn't love me, I don't think she ever has, not really'. To his amazement Sirius's face suddenly cracked into a wide grin and he burst out laughing. 'Lily doesn't…..doesn't love you! Oh now you are being funny! Honestly Prongs, you need to do better than that, now clear off back to her or drag her in here from where she's hiding! Lily doesn't love you! Oh you're priceless mate, really priceless!' Sirius had obviously decided James was joking after all.
James Potter glared in disbelief at his closest friend. 'Hang on Padfoot, I come here for a place to stay and some friendly support because I've just left my Lil'…..I mean my girlfriend, and all you can do is laugh like a demented hyena at me? Some friend you are! He rose from his seat in annoyance. 'I'm off to Moony's place; he'll be more sympathetic than you!' With that, he moved towards the front door, muttering to himself as he went. Sirius rolled his eyes and straightened his face. James was obviously serious, but to think Lily didn't love him? The man was insane! However, he decided that pointing out that obvious fact might not be a good move. Instead, he stood and grabbed hold of his friend as he rushed towards the door. 'Look, I'm sorry, you just caught me off guard that's all, come on, come and sit down and tell me what's been going on'. James turned to Sirius. He was going to tell him to get lost and say he could manage on his own thank you very much, but as he opened his mouth to speak the words just wouldn't come. Instead, with a resigned look on his face, he threw himself back down into his seat and groaned in frustration.
Sirius sat and waited for James to speak again. He didn't have to wait very long. Seconds after James groaned he launched himself into unloading everything that had been worrying him for so long. Sirius listened patiently, resisting any temptation to say a word until James had finished. James told Sirius about the scene in the flat when he'd tried to get Lily to say what she felt, only for her to dismiss him. Then he talked about the year that they'd been together and how he was always telling Lily he loved her, and she had never said it back. Sirius's eyes widened in amazement, 'What, you mean she's never said it, not at all?' he asked at last, when he was certain James had run out of things to say. James nodded unhappily, 'Not even once'. He ran an agitated hand through his untidy hair, 'She didn't even say it when we first got together. Looking back on it, I said it and she agreed with me, she didn't say it herself and she never has, so it seems obvious to me, she doesn't love me does she, she never has'. James was beginning to sound desperate. Sirius sighed and tried to sound reassuring, 'Well perhaps she's just shy about saying it, some people are like that you know, we don't all wear our hearts on our sleeves like you do'. James nodded, 'I know, but most people, if they love someone, tell them won't they, even if it's just once, and that's all I want Padfoot, just once, I want Lily to look me in the eye and tell me she loves me, it isn't too much to ask, is it?'
Sirius couldn't think of anything to say to that. He had to admit, James did have a point. Most people who are in love say the words to the person they are in love with, but then again, he also knew that there were people who, as much as they wanted to, just couldn't say those three little words. They might feel it strongly enough, but saying it, actually putting it into words was just too difficult. He admitted to himself that he was like that. The idea of being with one woman forever, and declaring his love in the way James found so easy frightened the life out of him. He had solved the fear by going from one meaningless fling to another. Maybe Lily had solved it by agreeing with James when he said it, thinking that he would just know how she felt. He realised now that maybe Lily Evans, who was bright and quick to catch on to things, didn't know her boyfriend quite as well as she thought. But that didn't solve the problem of what to do about it. James had obviously decided in his mind that just because Lily hadn't said it, she didn't love him. That, Sirius knew, was almost certainly not the case. He knew he had to get James to see that somehow. Turning to James again he spoke, trying to be reasonable. 'Look mate, you can't just assume that Lily doesn't love you just because she hasn't said it. She's been with you for a year and she's lived with you for three months; that has to mean something.' James shook his head firmly, 'No, all it means is that she knows that now her parents are gone and that cow of a sister of hers has turned her back on her, if she finishes with me she'll be on her own, so…'
Suddenly Sirius found himself getting annoyed. James wasn't even trying to understand Lily. All he could see was what he wanted. 'So you thought you'd save her the bother huh, you thought you'd finish it before she had chance to, Prongs you complete idiot!' he cried at last, unable to restrain himself any more, he could hardly believe what James was saying, he was making Lily sound like she'd used him and somehow, Sirius just knew that wasn't right. James opened his mouth to say something, probably in his own defence, Sirius thought, but he cut him off again. 'Now look, you need to stop worrying and wallowing in self pity...' James went to open his mouth again, but Sirius was deliberately ignoring him, 'and you need to get yourself home to your girlfriend and start apologising for being so stupid and even thinking that she doesn't love you, or at least you should give her the chance to tell you she doesn't, without jumping to stupid conclusions!'
Now it was James's turn to gape at his friend. Sirius Black, his closest friend, someone he regarded as a brother, was having a go at him for the way he was behaving to Lily when the blame for their problems lay with her! He could hardly believe it. Couldn't Sirius see how hurtful it was to be so open with someone you love so much and then have them completely overlook your feelings and close themselves off to you? But then James had a thought. Lily didn't actually know what their problem was. He hadn't talked to her about it, what he'd done was leave her to try to work the thing out on her own. Bracing himself for Sirius's reaction, James stared down at his knees before he could say anything. Somehow he had a feeling that looking Sirius in the eye to say this wouldn't be the cleverest thing to do. He cleared his throat nervously. 'Padfoot, the thing is…' he hesitated, trying to think how to put it. He knew it was just better to get the whole thing said and then wait for the explosion he knew would come. 'The thing is…er….Lily doesn't actually know why I've gone….I just…er…sort of said we needed a break to work…to er….work out how we feel about one another…I was sort of hoping she would work out what the problem was, so I can't apologise can I, until she knows what I'm apologising for?' He took a breath when he'd finished, but couldn't raise his eyes.
Sirius Black was up out of his seat in a flash. He knew that at the moment, as much as he thought the world of James, he could cheerfully throttle him. He was staggered. James Potter had gone on and on for years about Lily Evans. He'd spent practically every day of his years at Hogwarts chasing her. He was ecstatic when they got together. But now, just a year later he was prepared to lose that if Lily couldn't work out they had a problem? The man was crazy!
Sirius knew he would have to do something to put this mess right. He couldn't stand back and see two people that clearly belonged together split up over something that could easily be solved if they would just talk to one another. He knew he would have to begin by making James see the consequences of what he'd done this evening. He looked down on James, who was sat with his head bowed, as if something on the floor was holding his full attention. 'So, what do you plan on doing if Lily doesn't work out why you've dumped her?'
James Potter lifted his head up so fast he nearly cricked his neck. Dumped? That wasn't exactly the word he would use. He knew that yes, he had left Lily, but he knew in his mind that once she had worked out what the problem was, if she said she loved him, he would be back with her in a second. The thought that she wouldn't work it out at all hadn't really crossed his mind. He knew that if Lily said she had realised the problem and admitted to him once and for all that she didn't love him he would find the strength to leave her for good, as hard as it would be. Being with someone who didn't love you just wouldn't be right. But what if she never worked out what the problem was? Could he really live without her if there was even a remote possibility that she might love him? James knew the answer to that. Suddenly he realised he'd been incredibly stupid. He should have asked Lily what she felt for him, or explained to her how he felt when she never said I love you. Instead he'd just gone, walked away from her, to let her work it out on her own. Now there was the possibility that he'd never be able to be with her again. He couldn't stand the thought of that. But what could he do to put this right? Maybe he'd ruined things with Lily anyway. Maybe now she wouldn't want him back.
Turning to look at Sirius properly, who was still standing looking down on him, with an expression that was somewhere between anger and sadness on his face, James found his voice again, though his emotions were almost getting the better of him. The thought of never being with Lily again was devastating. 'I should have talked to her shouldn't I? I should have told her how I felt and asked her what she feels for me shouldn't I? Oh God Padfoot, what am I going to do?' James was finding it hard to keep a grip on a lump that was rising in the back of his throat. 'I can't be without her Padfoot, not forever, I just can't, not if she loves me'. Then James put his head in his hands and covered his eyes.
Sirius Black watched his friend as he finally took in the full meaning of what he'd done that evening and his heart went out to him. Sirius knew that James would never be any good without Lily Evans. He had loved her for so long, even before they were together. The thought of what he'd done and what it might mean must be agony. Sirius knew he would do anything to help his friends be together again, as they should be. He made up his mind what was going to happen next. He reached out to James as he sat with his hands in front of his eyes and placed a strong hand on his shoulder. 'Look, don't worry about it. We'll sort this out, you'll see. Firstly, it's late now so we can't do anything tonight, so you can stay the night here…' Sirius looked out of the flat's window and could see it was growing dark outside, 'but first thing in the morning I'm going to go and see Lily, just to check if she's all right, and I'll ask her to come and meet you, to talk things through. You can meet her in the park down the road; it'll give you some neutral ground to talk. Don't worry mate, it'll all be all right, you'll see'. Sirius gave James's shoulder a reassuring squeeze and then he quietly left the room to give his friend some time to himself.
James Potter took in everything Sirius said. He wanted to snatch at the hope Sirius had offered him. He hoped that if Sirius could just see that Lily was all right and could persuade her to give him a chance to explain things to her, they might be able to work things out. He remembered the park just a short walk away from Sirius's flat. He used to take Lily there when she first moved in with him. They would have romantic picnics there and long walks, holding hands, or with their arms around each other. Then they would stand by the boating lake and kiss or talk for ages, learning new things about each other, growing together with each new discovery.
Suddenly the thought of what he would lose if he couldn't put things right with Lily overwhelmed him. With his hands still covering his eyes James Potter allowed his tears to fall.
A/N All together now, aaah! More soon!