A/N: This has been posted before, everything you see is in it's original format.

Anyway, on with the story!

Co written by dani-the-strange (read her POTC fic!)

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously, I live in a cardboard box that is on loan from someone else.

Definition of a Mary Sue: Often loosely described as an "original character", these evil Mary Sues prowl the realm of fanfiction, plaguing all movies, books, tv shows, etc with their perfect hair and "remarkable" eyes. The are most usually the "perfected" version of the author, lacking personality, depth and character. They exist for the sole purpose of falling in love with the man. Bad plot devices and gaping plotholes usually surround these creatures.

Cool…..air quotes.

The crew of the Black Pearl jeered at the frightened Elizabeth about to walk the plank.

Elizabeth: Noooo! Noooo! Don't hurt me. I promise I'll be good!

Will: Too late honey. Just because you can't accept my new lifestyle choice you had to go all batshit crazy on me. You have to go Elizabeth I'm afraid.

Elizabeth: But…no! I promise I'll shop and go to the beauty spas with you! We can be the new Jack and Karen!

Will: Sorry, but I've found someone else. (Norrington steps in and wraps arm around Will)

Elizabeth: (jumps) Why is – (glub glub) -life so – (glub glub) cruel……….. (dies)

AngryReader: Finally! I was waiting for her to die throughout the entire movie!

HappyReader: Why? I liked her. She was cool.

AngryReader: Don't MAKE me kick your ass now!

Jack: Well, now that we've gotten rid of her, let's all get a drink in Tortuga where I can conveniently meet Ethel and fall in lo – I mean, where I can get drunk, yes that's right – drunk, ahem.

(Everyone scampers around doing sailor-y stuff while Will and Norrington head below deck if you know what I mean – and I think you do ;))

Anamaria: What the hell happened to me? Wasn't I supposed to be Jack's love interest? God dammit!

As the hour drew near to the beginning of a new day, Ethel walked home from the bar where she had been working for the last few weeks – The Psycho Drunken Penguin.

Then it all happened so quickly. A bright flash, a yell and a loud crash. Ethel had stupidly closed her eyes instead of what anyone else would've done – hauled their ass outta there. The blonde ninny opened her eyes and looked at the smashed crates where there was some movement.

Ethel: H..hello?

Mysterious Voice 1: grunt, grunt, shuffle, shuffle, grunt, grunt.

The Mysterious Voice then shuffled and grunted to reveal a Mysterious Figure. The Mysterious Figure looked hurt.

Ethel: Oh my, are you okay?

Mysterious Grunting and Shuffling Figure: Oh yeah, just peachy after falling from the sky and landing on some wooden crates. No, you loser! I'd never thought I'd say this but my ass is kicking my ass. Ow!

Ethel's eyes finally saw the figure clearly. It was a -

Ethel: You're a monkey?

Monkey: A talking monkey mind you!

Ethel: But what? How? When? Why? How?

And with those words, she fainted.

Talking Monkey: Oh great, first day on the mission and my stupid charge faints. (lifts head upwards) thanks a lot you stupid The Powers That Be! (waits for lightning to crash. It doesn't which only confirms his belief that TPTB are drinking their Zimas and watching reruns of the X-Files this very moment)

TPTB1: Scully wants me so bad.

Constructive criticisms, flames, praises of worship, suggestions of gruesome ways of killing myself are all welcome! Again, if i'm doing anything wrong, please tell me before it gets taken down. I don't thinkI can stand the heartbreak.