CHAPTER FIVE: CHASING AND SEEKING
A/N Well here we are, my fifth chapter in this story. Thanks again for all the reviews. You make me happy! Just review this and I'll be ecstatic….sure, I need to get out more!
When Sirius Black got up the morning after James Potter had turned up at his flat after leaving his girlfriend, he found his friend still sitting in the same seat he was in when he'd gone to bed, though now his glasses were hanging off his nose and he was snoring. James had obviously sat up all night until he'd fallen asleep where he sat.
Sirius tip-toed around his kitchen making himself a cup of coffee, trying not to disturb James until he'd had some rest. From the state James was in when Sirius had left him the night before, he could see that leaving Lily was taking its toll on him and it had only been a few hours since he'd seen her. Sirius couldn't help but worry about what would happen if it turned out that Lily Evans didn't love James after all, or if after what James had done, Lily refused to take him back. Sirius knew that Lily would probably eventually learn to cope, even if, as he firmly believed, she loved James. She had taken everything that had happened to her, her parents deaths and then her sister abandoning her, and, after being distraught for a time, she had pulled herself together and dealt with it. If she parted with James, it might take time, but Sirius was sure she would cope. James, on the other hand, just doted on Lily. She was his strength and stay in life. If he lost that, through what he had done, Sirius was certain he would at the least never forgive himself and worse, could easily allow himself to slide into despair. Sirius had to admit to himself, if that happened, he was afraid of what James might do. He was determined to get his friends back together, whatever the cost.
As Sirius thought, quietly sipping his coffee, James Potter stirred. Halfway between being awake and asleep, he must have forgotten briefly where he was. Before he opened his eyes the first thing to cross his lips was a name. 'Lily?' he mumbled uncertainly, before blinking, his eyes opened. Taking in his surroundings, reality dawned on him and he sighed heavily. 'I was dreaming I was at home and she….she was there', he explained unsteadily as Sirius handed him a cup of coffee. Sirius nodded sympathetically, 'I know mate, but after today you'll be with her again, won't you?' James sighed again, 'But what if she won't listen to me? What if she won't take me back? Sirius if I've lost her I…' James couldn't go on, he was losing control of his feelings, just as he had the previous night.
Sirius moved and sat down opposite his friend. 'Now listen, just you go and sort yourself out, have a wash and put some clean clothes on, I'm going now to see Lily. I'll come back and let you know how I've got on. I'll talk to her. I'll get her to meet you in the park so you can talk to each other and see if you can sort out this mess. It'll be all right, you'll see.' He moved towards the front door.
James watched Sirius as he was leaving the flat and his heart began to thump. He was terrified. More than anything he was afraid of what would happen if Lily said she loved him but couldn't take him back because he'd hurt her too much. The thought of spending the rest of his life without her was almost more than he could take. Before Sirius could leave, James called him back. Sirius looked over his shoulder quizzically. James swallowed hard, 'Will you tell her for me….tell her I'm sorry…and tell her….tell her I….I love her, will you?' Sirius shook his head firmly. 'That needs to come from you mate, but don't worry, you'll get your chance to tell her, it'll all be all right'. Turning towards the door once more, Sirius left the flat.
James stood for a moment as Sirius left, then he moved and, as Sirius had said, he went to tidy himself up, all the while praying that Sirius was right and it would all be all right.
A short time later Sirius Black arrived at the house where James Potter lived with Lily Evans. He wondered what sort of reception he would receive from Lily. Would she assume that as James's best friend, he would automatically take his side? He knew there was only one way to find out. Tentatively he knocked on the front door.
Almost as soon as he'd knocked, the door opened and Sirius came face to face with Lily. He could tell straight away that she was in as much of a state as James. Her dark red hair was sticking out in all directions and her eyes, which were usually a striking shade of green, had dark circles underneath them and red rims in the lower lids. Lily looked like she'd been crying for hours and hadn't slept well. She was wearing a pair of pyjamas that were obviously much too big for her. In fact, Sirius thought, he had a recollection of seeing James in a pair that matched these. Sirius met Lily's gaze with his own. 'Can I come in Lils?' he asked after a moment, 'I really need to talk to you'. Lily didn't speak, she just stood aside from the door and Sirius stepped inside.
Lily had been up for most of the night. After sitting in the living room for hours after it was dark, she decided that she couldn't put off going to bed any more. She went to her room and closed the door, certain that she'd never felt more alone in her life. She knew that might seem strange. She didn't share a room with James, she had said from the moment he asked her to move in with him, she wasn't ready to sleep with him yet. He had seemed happy just to be living under the same roof as her and accepted it without question. The truth was that while she didn't in principle think that sex outside marriage was wrong, James would be her first and the only man she would give herself to. She secretly hoped that her first time with him would be as his wife, on her wedding night. She wanted it to be special. She loved him so much she wanted the first time they made love to mean something. She wanted to show him that she was giving him not just her body, but her heart too.
As Lily remembered her hopes for her future with James, the realisation dawned on her that it was all just a dream now. James was gone, probably forever, and, from the way he had spoken before he left, he didn't love her any more. The thought caused Lily a pain around her heart worse than anything she had felt before, even after her parent's deaths. She got up and went into James's room where she found a pair of his pyjamas in a drawer, and she changed into them, smelling him on the fabric. The scent was supposed to be a comfort. Instead, it made the pain around her heart ten times worse. She quickly went back to her own room and shut the door again. She threw herself down on to her bed and cried until she ran out of tears. Then she fell into a fitful sleep, full of strange dreams where she could see James, but couldn't reach him, no matter how much she stretched out towards him, and then other dreams, where she could hear him calling her name over and over, but though she tried to find him, he was nowhere to be found.
Now, in the light of day, Lily couldn't face the thought of getting dressed and doing anything. Without James, there seemed no point. Then the there was a knock on the front door. For one wonderful moment Lily thought it might be James. Maybe he had come back, maybe he had realised that there was nothing to think about, he loved Lily after all. But then, as Lily dragged the front door open she came face to face with Sirius Black, her boyfriend's closest friend. Disappointment crashed all around Lily. She knew she should have known it wasn't James really, he wouldn't have knocked on his own front door, but her hopes had risen so suddenly at the sound of the knock, the disappointment when it wasn't him was painful. Then Sirius was asking if he could come in, he needed to talk to her. Lily couldn't find the strength to speak. She stood aside and allowed Sirius through the front door.
Lily followed Sirius through to the kitchen. She stood, leaning with her back to the kitchen sink, as Sirius found a chair at the table and sat down. After an uncomfortable moment when neither of them knew what to say, Sirius cleared his throat and spoke. 'Are you all right Lily?' he asked, taking in her dishevelled appearance, which was so unlike her, again. Lily nodded and swallowed hard before she seemed able to speak. 'I…I'm f-fine'. Her voice was unsteady, her eyes filled with tears as she spoke, which she attempted to blink away before Sirius could see. She didn't manage it. In a flash Sirius was standing, holding Lily in his arms. 'Now come on Lils, it's all right, don't cry, you know I'm not good at the whole weeping woman thing!' He cracked a joke to try to lighten the situation, while Lily clung to him, tears streaming down her face. After a moment she regained her control and pulled away from her friend, who stayed at her side. 'I…I just….I didn't sleep very well…and…I…I'm tired…and….Sirius is James with you?' She asked the question so suddenly that Sirius was caught by surprise for a moment. Sirius took Lily's hand in his gently. 'He's at the flat Lils', he replied, 'He stayed at mine last night, he turned up and asked if he could stay….he was pretty upset Lils'. Lily nodded and bit her lip, but didn't say a word.
Sirius sat back down at the table again. 'Lily, what's been going on here? I thought you and James were happy, really happy'. Lily nodded again and took a seat opposite Sirius. 'I thought so too Sirius, really, but we were both wrong…..he…James…d-doesn't l-love m-me a-any m-more'. Her eyes filled again. Sirius stared at her in shock, 'What did you say Lils?' he asked quickly, reaching out and grasping her hand in his. Lily sniffed and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of James's pyjamas. 'W-well, what other reason would there be for him to…for him to l-leave m-me?'
Sirius gripped Lily's hand soothingly while his mind took in what she'd said. He felt an urge to bang Lily and James's heads together. Honestly, Lily obviously thought James had left because he had stopped loving her, and James had left because he thought Lily didn't love him! They were impossible, both of them! He groaned under his breath, but Lily heard him and turned her attention to him, forgetting her tears for a moment. Sirius ran his hands through his hair in frustration. 'Lily, James does love you, you don't need to doubt that, honest'. Lily rolled her eyes and rose abruptly. Sirius braced himself, he knew what was coming. Lily glared at him angrily, 'Well you would say that wouldn't you?' she said harshly, 'You are his best friend, one of the famous Marauders; you're bound to take his side!' Sirius shook his head firmly, 'Lily I promise you, I'm not saying this because Prongs is my best mate, and definitely not because I'm taking sides, which I'm not by the way. I'm saying it because it's true'. Lily was still glaring, 'How do you know? Did he tell you? Did he actually say he loves me?' She was becoming angry, but whether she was angry with Sirius or James, she wasn't quite sure. Sirius nodded and Lily released a disparaging laugh. 'Well I'm sorry Sirius, but if he loved me he'd be here wouldn't he, and I wouldn't have spent half the damned night crying for him like some soppy love-sick girl!' Sirius took a breath and tried to stay calm. 'Well, all right Lils, tell me what James said then, tell me why you think he doesn't love you'.
Lily went back to the sink and stood, facing it, looking out of the kitchen window. 'He said he thought we needed some time apart to think about how we feel about each other. I said I thought we already knew, but then he said that he didn't think we did, at least not both of us. So it's obvious isn't it? James was talking about himself, he just doesn't love me any more. There wasn't any other reason for him to go'.
Sirius took a chance, he knew he had to get across to Lily it wasn't his own feelings James doubted, it was hers. 'Lily, honestly, I swear on James's life, he does love you, he loves you like mad, he told me so'.
Lily Evans turned back to Sirius sharply. She stared intently at his face. She knew Sirius well enough to know that he thought the world of James and that it was mutual. The two men had established a firm friendship when they were just boys at school. Nothing had ever come between them for long, Lily doubted it ever would.So to hear Sirius swear on his closest friend's life, stirred something inside her. He wouldn't do that unless he was telling the truth. But would James lie to Sirius? Without even having to think about it she knew he wouldn't. Lily had known for years that Sirius Black was one of only a few people who could make James Potter think about the way he behaved. At school, if James was showing off too much it would only take Sirius to tell him to stop and he would stop. So, if James lied and Sirius found out, she knew what would happen. Sirius would be angry and James would be devastated to think he might lose his closest friend. He wouldn't even take the risk. Slowly hope began to rise in Lily. James did love her. But then, if that really was the case, why had he left? She turned back to Sirius and asked the question with her eyes. She just couldn't think of any reason James would leave if he loved her.
Sirius Black looked back at Lily and thought carefully about what to say. He wanted her to know how James felt, but at the same time he understood how important it was to James that she work out the problem herself. Sirius didn't want to play games, there had been enough of that, it seemed to him. He decided to help Lily on her way, while not exactly telling her too much. He began by asking a question. 'Lily, do you love James?'
Lily Evans stared at Sirius. What was he asking such an obvious question for? She looked into his eyes and could see he wasn't fooling around. He was asking a reasonable question. 'Of course I do' she replied, her voice firm and clear. Sirius nodded. 'Yes, I know you do. The thing is though Lils, does James know?' He asked the question so calmly Lily was taken aback. 'Well of course he knows!' she cried incredulously. Sirius nodded, 'How does he know Lils?'
Now Lily could feel herself becoming annoyed again. Sirius was sitting at her kitchen table asking stupid questions. After the night she'd had she really wasn't in the mood. She just couldn't see what he was getting at. Sirius saw her confusion and smiled kindly. 'It's all right Lils, I know I'm being annoying, but you'll thank me in the end, I promise, so just answer the question, how does James know you love him?' Lily glanced at him quizzically, and then she sighed, thinking it over. 'Well I live with him don't I, and I cook meals for him when he's tired from training every day. I spend most of my time clearing up after him, and I don't complain about it. I like the place to be nice for him because I love him, so he has to know doesn't he?'
Sirius really couldn't believe his ears. He wasn't sure why James was already treating Lily like a little housewife for a start! But what was more shocking was that Lily thought that in doing all that, James would see she loved him. It obviously hadn't worked too well. 'I see' he said at last, recovering himself a little. 'But do you ever tell him Lily? Do you ever look at James and just say I love you?' Lily huffed, 'Well of course I do!' she cried, giving Sirius a glare that would send lesser men searching for somewhere to hide. Sirius smiled kindly again. 'All right, when? When did you last tell James you love him, when did you last just say I love you?'
Lily resisted the urge to glare at Sirius again. The man was being ridiculous! Then something made her think. When was the last time she told James she loved him? She thought hard, her face changing expressions every time she thought she remembered a time and then changed again when she realised that it was James who'd said it that time. Again, she did the same, and responded in the same way. She went on like this for some time, her face changing with every new thought. Then suddenly she had a thought. Her heart lifted and somewhere inside her she sensed a chance to put things right with her boyfriend. But first, she looked at Sirius, almost feeling an urge to hug him, but resisting the temptation. 'Sirius I need to see James, did you say he's at your place?'
Sirius Black grinned broadly. He knew Lily would get it! 'Yes Lils, but he's going to be in the park down the road from mine very soon. What about meeting him there instead?'
Lily smiled brightly. She remembered all the times she had been to that particular park with James. It was a special place for both of them. 'Yes, that's a good idea, I'll do that', then a doubt crept into her mind, 'He will want to see me won't he Sirius?' Suddenly Lily felt nervous. Sirius smiled reassuringly, 'Course he will Lils, he loves you'. Then he looked grave, 'There is one thing though Lils, before you go'. Lily caught her breath and allowed Sirius to go on, afraid of what he might say. 'I'd go and put something other than his pyjamas on first'. Then he burst out laughing.
Lily frowned, for a second Sirius had really scared her, the idiot! Then, seeing his face, full of laughter, she couldn't help but be carried along with it. She laughed, looking down on herself in James's baggy nightwear and then she quickly went upstairs to change. She had someone to see and it couldn't be delayed any longer. She couldn't wait.
A/N Hope that was OK, I know it might sound as if Lily has realised why James left really easily. However, I've written it this way deliberately. It will give me scope for some (hopefully) good writing when James and Lilyconfront one another again, which is going to happen soon, very soon.Final chapter coming up asap.