Note: This was formerly posted under the title of "If Mary Sue had a Pet Monkey"
Discalimer: POTC belongs to Disney. Bad, uncreative authors own Ethel. Wesley doesn't answer to me.
Wesley: Damn straight! What's that? (looks at title) Pet? I am NOT her pet! You hear me?
Author: Ah, go and eat your Clag glue.
Wesley: (pouts) You said you wouldn't tell anyone. (sniffle)
It had been 3 days since Wesley had arrived in Tortuga. Perched on her shoulder, he and Ethel were walking through the dark streets after an early night off at the Psycho Drunken Penguin.
Ethel: So any idea what's going to happen next?
Wesley: Check that thing hanging around your neck.
Ethel found an ugly, er I mean, exquisite pendant hanging off a fine chain around her neck.
Ethel: Holy shiznit! How the hell did that get there?
ObservantReader: (smirks) The author finally managed to fill up a plot hole, usually a chapter too late.
CynicalReader: In true Mary-Sue style!
Wesley: That (indicates pendant) is the reason why Sparrow hasn't gone after the treasure. He knows full well that the only way he can access it, is by that. You have the key, he has the map.
Ethel: And I have to find him and the map to get to it right?
Wesley: Were you dropped as a child? Was my last line that hard to understand?
Ethel: Come to think of it, I DID lose my memory a few months back. Otherwise, I would've known about this pendant.
Wesley: You lost your memory? I didn't know that.
Author: Neither did I.
At that moment, Ethel collided with a figure –
ObservantReader: How many times has she used the word "figure" in this fic?
Author: Shut up. Or there will be no Gummi Bears for you!
- stumbling drunkenly from the door of a pub – The Faithful Bride. (A/N Is it stated anywhere in the movie that THAT is bar where Jack has a drink with Gibbs? No? Just a fanfic thing where everyone assumes that's what it is - like in Alias fanfic where we all assume that Irina took Sark under her wing when he graduated from an English boarding school? Sorry, just another obsession taking over there.)
AllReaders: (blank stare)
Author: Ahem (pulls collar) on with the story!
Ethel, busy studying her pendant looked up into a pair of green eyes, blushing furiously.
Drunken Guy: (drunkenly) Aye, you'll do.
And with that, he grabbed the stunned girl's elbow who was still standing there stupidly and pulled her towards the door.
Wesley: Hey! Nobody messes with my girl! (leaps off Ethel's shoulder and takes out the shovel hidden up his corset to whack Drunken Guy on the head) WHACK!
Drunken Guy: (falls to the ground) That wasn't very nice you … you … monkey!
Wesley: That's a shovel-wielding monkey to you mister! (whacks Drunken Guy again) Come on! WHACK! Just – WHACK! – fall – WHACK – into – WHACK! – sweet – WHACK – unconsciousness – WHACK! – already! WHACK!
And he finally did.
Ethel: (relieved) Thanks for that, I owe you one.
Wesley: (hides shovel again) No sweat.
Nothing much happened for about 3 minutes and 47 seconds more of walking. Then Ethel once again, stumbled into another figure.
Ethel: Oh I'm so sorry!
The man, like the one before, was totally out of it. He had a funny shaped hat on his head and funky beads hanging off his hair. His kohl lined eyes settled on Ethel who once again didn't have enough sense to be hauling her ass out of there.
DrunkenGuy2WhoWeReadersTotallyKnowIsJack: You're pretty, how about spending tonight with ol' Jack here?
Author: (cringe) That was gross.
InnocentReader: How so?
ObservantReader: He wants to have hot monkey sex with her.
InnocentReader: Oh.
Wesley took action again, swinging the shovel back for a deadly left swing, but stopped mid-action when he realised who it was.
Wesley: You're Jack Sparrow! Crap! You're vital to the story, so I can't damage you too badly. Look, you have something we want and we have something you want so if you could just – RUN!
He sprang off Ethel's shoulder and ran away with Ethel in tow, leaving a stunned Captain Jack Sparrow on the street.
Jack: I gotta start laying off those 'shrooms.
Reviews! Constructive criticisms! Ideas! Flames! Are all welcome.