Agh! Sorry for the RIDICULOUSLY long wait! I don't have a good excuse--I just couldn't think of what to use in this scene.

Il Muto through rooftop rendezvous is split into three chapters. This is the first; the other two will come hopefully soon. I've written the third already. Sorry to say that the Spanish Inquisition parody will carry on into the next chapter, but it did the same in episode 15.

So here it is, dedicated to Whack-man Poop. Since you expected the Spanish Inquisition.

Why the managers had decided to put Carlotta in the lead role when there was a star hand-crafted by the Angel of Music just waiting to step into the role, a star who did not induce vomit and fetal positions...we will never know. But cast Carlotta they did, and the audience just had to suffer the consequences. And this audience included Erik.

Our favorite Phantom stepped into Box Five and tripped over Raoul. "Hey!" he shouted, interrupting Carlotta's massacre of "Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh". "This is supposed to be my box!"

Christine gasped. "OH MY GOD! IT'S MY STALKERISH TUTOR!"

Carlotta spent the next several minutes screaming at Christine about how all she had to do for her measly part was shut up, and she couldn't even manage that?

"Geez," Christine muttered under her breath. "I wasn't expecting a kind of Phantom wrath."

Erik burst onto the stage at this moment. "Nobody expects the wrath of the Phantom! My chief weapon is my anger...anger and Punjab lasso...Punjab lasso and anger..." He stopped for a moment, confused. "My two weapons are anger and Punjab lasso...and ventriloquism. My three--no. Among my weapons are anger, Punjab lasso--oh, dear. I'll come in again." He left the stage, embarrassed.

A brief conference later, the managers and Carlotta decided to start that number from the top. "Seraphimo, away with this pretense! You cannot speak, but kiss me in my--UUGGH!" She emitted a loud croak, which sounded far better than the note that was supposed to come out. Come to think of it, the audience realized, it was a very musical croak, in a beautiful baritone voice...

Carlotta regained her composure and continued. "Poor fool, he makes me laugh, hahahahaha! Ha--UUGGH! UUGGH!" She continued to croak, even when her mouth wasn't moving. Amazing how that happened.

Erik ran onstage triumphantly. "Nobody expects the wrath of the Phantom! Among my weaponry are such diverse elements as anger, Punjab lasso, and ventriloquism, as you have seen. And my torture chamber--" He buried his masked face in his hands, shaking his head at his own incompetence. "Oh, I can't say it." Inspiration struck, and he pulled Mme Giry out of the audience. "You'll have to say it!"

The ballet instructor was caught completely off-guard. "What?"

"You'll have to say the part about how my diverse weapons include anger, Punjab lasso...the heat of my eyes...how prudent silence is wise..."

Mme Giry backed away, eyes widened in stage fright. "Oh, no, I couldn't do that!"

Erik bustled her out a door into the foyer, berating her. "What do you mean, you couldn't do that?" he hissed. "You've been warning the managers about me, you told Buquet to shut up about me, and all by telling them about my diverse weapons! So what do you mean, you couldn't do that?"

Mme Giry's stage fright did not subside, but she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Erik. I'll try."

The opera's most beloved (mainly since there was only one) resident ghost grinned, relishing his triumph. "Thank you." He pushed a trembling Mme Giry back into the theatre. All eyes fell on the two of them.

Which, of course, poor stage frightened Mme Giry noticed. "N-no one--" she stuttered.

"Expects..." Erik prompted her.

"Expects," Mme Giry repeated. "Nobody expects the, um, the wrath of..."

Erik gritted his teeth. How many years had they known each other? Yet she still couldn't remember all his titles! "The Phantom," he hissed.

The poor woman flushed. "I know, I know! Nobody expects the wrath of the Phantom! In fact, those who do expect it--"

Oy. "Our chief weapons..."

"Our chief weapons are...um..."

Erik gave up. "Okay, stop right there. Our chief weapons are blah blah blah. You can figure it out on your own." He beckoned to the Persian. "Daroga, read the charges."

Nadir was surprised that he was actually allowed a role, but he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Whatever that means. Erik handed him a scroll, which the Persian unrolled and read to the prima donna. "You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates subject innocent people to the horror that is your voice. My old man said follow the--"

Grabbing the scroll away, Erik cut the daroga off and addressed Carlotta. "Now, how do you plead?"

Infuriated at the insult to her voice, Carlotta snapped her reply. "I'm innocent!"

The Phantom laughed diabolically. Like this: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Grinning maniacally--which almost knocked his mask off, because jeez, have you ever tried keeping one of those things on your face while changing your facial expression a lot? It doesn't work!--he added, "We'll soon change your mind about that! Daroga, the noose!"

Nadir pulled a newspaper out from inside his coat pocket. Erik gritted his teeth. I said "noose", not "news"! he thought disbelievingly. But the poor daroga had served him well, both in Persia and in France. He couldn't thank him for all his hard work by yelling at him! Regaining his composure, he nodded. "Wrap it around her neck!"

Mme Giry grabbed one end of the newspaper and Nadir the other. Together, they tried to wrap it around the neck of the now quite annoyed diva, but to no avail. Erik swallowed. "Right! How do you plead?"

"Still innocent," Carlotta answered snidely.

"Ha! Right!" Erik shouted. "Daroga, give the...the noose..." he faltered. "Give the noose a tug."

Nadir looked at the floor quite awkwardly. "I...uh..."

The ever-patient Erik sighed. "I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to ignore your crass mistake. Just pretend." He stood laughing diabolically over Carlotta's oddly not garroted body for a few minutes before tiring of it. "Carry on with the opera," he ordered Andre and Firmin. "I'll see about improving the methods of..." He twirled his cape. "The wrath of the Phantom!"

The principal thought in everyone's minds at that moment was "Er, okay."