The Hot Monkey Sex chapter
The slender strips of moonlight were the only form of illumination in the dark room. Ethel looked around it, suddenly afraid when her eyes alighted on the bed. It was a squooshy collection of pillows, cushions and throws.
Ethel: Jack, there's something I need to tell you.
Jack, busy kissing her, replied with a muffled "What?".
Ethel: I've never (gulp) done this before (blushes furiously)
AllReaders: (in unison) Christ on a stick!
SkankyReader: What the heck was she doing when she was 16 then? Oh my, all those parties that I went to …
SnappyReader: Skank!
SmartReader: Please, please. I can explain all of this. As is clearly stated in "Mary Sue Lemons 101", "The Mary Sue, being a representative of the author, will probably state that she is indeed, still a virgin. The author, is probably a sad 12 year old mimi who would love her "first" to be with the main character in question."
Author: What are you implying of me?
SmartReader: (trembles in fear) N-n-nothing Your Royal Highness, o-only that you …
Author: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING OF ME?
SmartReader: (squeak) Forgive me!
CynicalReader: Face the facts, it was either this or that she was "raped at a very young age by someone that she loved and trusted dearly, thereby making her lose faith in the race of men".
Author: (scribbles down furiously) Woah, slow down! Wait, there's just a whole other storyline just thrown away! Damn!
Jack: (looks up) Perhaps we shouldn't …
HornyReader: NOOOOOO! I've been waiting for this for 17 bloody chapters! I can usually get this stuff in 5 chapters or less! BRING ON THE FREAKIN' LEMON!
(AllReaders stand up and sidle away slowly. CynicalReader pauses and dashes back to get her drink and then sidles backwards again, not making any sudden movements leaving a wide-eyed, expectant HornyReader looking up at the computer monitor trembling with excitement)
And so the Hot Monkey Sex begins. We find some crazy facts here like exact and precise lengths of body parts, "cute" scars(1) on weird places of the body, and so on and so forth. We are also fed with a long stream of bad synonyms and similies of er, different … thingies.
(A couple of hours later)
The contented couple lay on their backs, both staring at the ceiling. Ethel's head on Jack's shoulder when she spoke.
Ethel: (breathes heavily) That was amazing Jack.
Jack: I'm glad you enjoyed it love.
Ethel: You know what? This is the first time I've ever said this but, I'm happy being with you Jack.
Jack: Aye, I agree love.
And then they lived happily ever after.
THE END
Except not really.
(1)scars are not cute.
For Ace's Buddy –
'Tis near the end of thine tale
Wherein our heroes have conquered
All in their paths
Yet obstacles remain still.
Shouldst thine author reveal all
Remains yet to be decided
On the proliferation of thou worthy reviews
Thoust beseech thee
To spare thine leisure
And dropt thou a review
I am SURE a lot of that was grammatically wrong and it was definitely NOT in iambic pentameter. So criticize that review request and DIE a painful death ... I love you!
Pinkalarmclock – YES YES YES! That is definitely where the name 'Ethel' came from. But wasn't her last name like "Mermil" or something?
FanFicLover90 – Thanks dude! Your dedication shall be rewarded (sends over a daiquiri and a cookie) Yum!
Music nerd – DO NOT READ MY HP FIC! Because it does contain spoilers. Okay, when I was reading your awesomely long review, I seriously could not stop laughing. Like, tears in eyes laughing. Awesome stuff. Yes, 'Moonshine' as in the illegal alcohol. I kind of like it because it partly explains why Jack has shown such an interest in our dear Ethel. Hee! Although Jack on moonshine (ahem, mind the pun) would be hilarious! Hmm, in my story, your point no. 23 will be disproved because this baby will definitely have a conclusive ending. Somewhat. Oh, and before I forget here's a quadruple chocolate chip cookie. What is to become of us indeed?
Ace's Buddy – I AM A FAVOURITE AUTHOR! Woo! You know, I am seriously thinking about shelling out that $250 to get the Crazy Monster DVD Pack of Buffy. Too bad I don't have $250 handy. Must. Relive. The. Heyday. Of. Buffy.
Boandpop – Ah, poor Mangled!Jack. He will only get more mangled. You have been warned!
Merrybean – Yay, another Buffy fan! I ADORED Andrew. "Can't I have a nice refreshing Zima?"