Damn and blast the curiosity of the young! It causes nothing but trouble for the old! If it wasn't for that pesky prince I would still be living in peace in my gardens looking after the birds and the beasts and I wouldn't have to be sat here writing all of this for you –

– I would just like to say before we begin that this was in no way my idea – if it hadn't been for that boy telling his dear mother I would never have given this a thought. But he did and if there is one thing I can't refuse it's that elf Arwen and the way she pouts when she wants something.

I feel terribly sympathetic for the king of Gondor at this point. He lost before he even began.

It was two months ago when I was summoned to Osgiliath by Aragorn. He said he 'needed my advice' which I soon found out was nothing but a lie and a trick. I wouldn't have even answered that Dunedain's summons if it wasn't for Gandalf, damn him. Before he left for the West he says to me: "Radagast, it is up to you to look after Middle-Earth now I'm gone. Look after the line of Men especially – the world is theirs now, make sure they don't ruin it."

I said to him I would keep both my eyes open for any problems and he left with a smile which I never really understood.

I do now you old rascal! If you ever get your hands on a copy of this then I just want you to know I hold you fully responsible for my hardships.

So I went to Osgiliath like the king asked and when I got there he invited me into his pavilion (none of the houses were inhabitable yet) and he sat me down and gave me some elven wine and he says to me: "I need your help."

I said to him that I'd be glad to help him – I guess that's what I should be doing now Saruman and Gandalf have departed (and I doubt I'll get any help from the other two).

He then disappears and leaves me in that tent twiddling my thumbs for about ten minutes. When he comes back he has got his son, his blasted son, Eldarion. I hadn't seen that boy for years – since his birth in fact when I was asked to be present. Children have never been my expertise, you see? But there he was and when he saw me his eyes lit up and a rather startling expression of hunger passed over his young face. Aragorn was laughing when he said to me, "Radagast, my friend, this is what I need your help with." And then he left – good for nothing ranger! It was just me and the boy – I was sat feeling awkward and confused and he was sat staring at me.

"It's been a long time since I've seen you, Eldarion," I say, trying to end the uncomfortable silence between us but all he does it squeal with delight and ask: "You're a wizard, aren't you?"

I was taken aback by this question – maybe it was my ego that had gotten the better of me but I thought everyone knew that I was a wizard. OK, just because Gandalf killed the balrog and helped the Ringbearer and Saruman went bad doesn't mean I should be forgotten, I've done my share of wizardly deeds over the years and it'd be nice to get a little recognition now and then.

So I say to him: "Yes, I'm Radagast the Brown."

He moved closer and I tried to edge away because the way he was looking at me was making me feel discomfited and he said: "Tell me about the wizards."

I hesitated and told him that it was a long story but he interrupts and says that he wanted to hear it all no matter how long it was. I told him to ask his father and he tells me he already did and that Aragorn didn't know it all. I told him to go to the elves but he tells me he already did and they came back with the same answer as Aragorn did. My list of people for him to ask is already growing slim and I splutter for a moment or two and, thankfully I am saved by Arwen who comes into the tent at that very moment.

She's always graceful that Arwen and she offered me another glass of wine and then she says to her son: "Why are you bothering Radagast, Eldarion?"

And he says: "I want to know about the wizards!"

She says: "Ask you father and leave Radagast alone."

He says he has and his father told him to ask me so off Arwen goes and a moment or two later she comes back with Aragorn and that cheeky elf Legolas.

Those two caused me so much trouble when they were younger – always in my orchards and stealing my honey.

I doubted that anything had changed – even if one was a king and the other a noble prince but at that moment they both looked very bashful and I'm sure Arwen had 'had words'. It turned out that it was Legolas who had suggested to Aragorn that I should be the one to tell Eldarion about us Istari and he had liked the idea so much that he had sent me a letter straight away with some fantasy about needing my advice.

Arwen apologised to me about the inconvenience and says that while I am in Gondor I should come to Minas Tirith so I could see her daughters.

How little I knew. That woman is more cunning than her husband and his friend put together.

I spent about two days in a stuffy, marble room in that palace until Eldarion came to me accompanied by his mother and he apologised for being so rude and then he left again and Arwen and I were left alone. She gave me a glass of wine and sat down next to me and she said: "He is at a funny age; he just wants to know everything."

I say that it's normal and everybody was like it at some point in their life. She laughed and then looks at me with her beautiful eyes and said quite innocently: "To tell you the truth, Radagast, it would be an interesting story."

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, you're the only on still left on Middle-Earth who knows it all," she said and looked at me. I squirmed and tried to change the subject but she pouted with those lips of hers and I felt my resolve fading shamefully quickly. Then she leant close to me and said: "It wouldn't take you long, if you wrote it all down – I'd be ever-so-grateful if you did, and it would make Eldarion so happy."

I tried to get away but she put a hand on my arm and I froze. I told her I was very busy and didn't have the time to write a storybook for her and her son but she just sat there looking at me with those eyes and those lips and then, just to make her stop, I said: "Fine! I'll do it!"

Now here I am. Writing this accursed account of a life too long – just because I couldn't resist the whims of a lady. I doubt I shall ever see the sun again, there is just too much for me to write down and most of it I am sure I have forgotten, but I promised that wicked queen that I would try and get it all done and she was very grateful. I was allowed to go back to Rhosgobel and write in peace but I kept getting interrupted by the blasted prince and his blasted father who seemed to find it incredibly funny that I had been won over by Arwen in the end. In the end I had to forbid them to come to my door and make it clear that if they did my dogs would have their hides.

So here it goes: the story of the five wizards of Middle-Earth, from the start of it all to the end. I hope you enjoy it.