The Musical Chapter
Yes you read right ladies and gentlemen! After repeated viewings of Moulin Rouge, Chicago, the Sound of Music, My Fair Lady, Grease and every other musical I own on tape or dvd, I decided to write my own musical. Sort of. Oh, you'll see!
Disclaimer: Disney owns the right to POTC. I certainly do not own the rights to the songs "Unchained Melody" or "Toxic."
Jack: We need to talk.
Ethel: Yes we do.
Jack: Why are you mad at me?
Ethel sighed and knew that she couldn't keep it from him for long. She was slightly ashamed of admitting this while he was being so nice and reasonable to her. His eyes were filled with concern, which only made Ethel feel more and more like some spoiled child.
ObservantReader: Which is true you know.
Author: Yes I do know. Why is that? Because I am the AUTHOR of the story! You see that pink sequined sash I'm wearing? You know how it says "Author" on it? Yeah, that's because I AM!
ObservantReader: Hey, hey! No need to get all uppity uppity at me. Someone didn't have to go into Bee-yotch Mode.
Author: I'm sorry.
ObservantReader: So you should be.
AspiringPsychiatristReader: I think it's a bad sign to be having pretend arguments with figments of your imagination in a fanfic story on the computer.
Author: Shut up you.
AspiringPsychiatristReader: Make me.
SeriousReader: That does bring up a very important point though. How Ethel is acting like some spoiled child. Women of the late 17th century were hardly ever exposed to relationships with the opposite sex until their own, usually planned, marriages. This had the most unfortunate result of them being less mature than those of today's society at their age.
FanficLovin'Reader: What you just said made absolutely no sense.
SeriousReader: That's because you are not reading the things in between the lines and are not studying the themes of this piece of literature with enough depth. You have to – (cut off by a burly man in uniform)
SecurityReader: I'm sorry ma'am, but there is no place for a serious Reader in this story. If you haven't noticed, it is a parody ma'am. I'll ask you to step outside please.
SeriousReader: But … but … but …
SecurityReader: Please, don't make a scene ma'am. (grabs SeriousReader by the arms and tosses her out of the FanficReadingRoom)
SeriousReader: (waves fist and yells at blank doors) This won't be the last you hear of me Readers! (stalks off to flag down a taxi. After four pass her, walks to the closest bus stop, sits down and waits. Looks around at us Readers still staring at her) Stop writing about me! Look away! DON'T LOOK AT ME!
Ethel: (mumbles) I just … had the feeling that after … that night … that maybe you were … avoiding me? (uncertain)
CynicalReader: Let's see what this jackass's answer is. "I couldn't call because my grandmother died", "I'm sorry but I've been so busy, my boss is really putting the pressure on me now. Only yesterday did Gus our mailman collapse from a heart seizure because of him", "I was abducted by aliens", "I was diagnosed with cancer and have only six months to live" or "I didn't call because I have been committed". I've heard everything.
BitterReader: All men are pigs.
HappyReader: Woah! Hold on there Sergeant Sulkys! This is Jack Sparrow here and if we need reminding, we love Jack Sparrow!
WillFans: We don't!
Author: (Uses Author Sceptre and banishes WillFans to the Realm of Bad-Mannequin-like-Actors)
(At the Realm of Bad-Mannequin-like-Actors)
Orlando Bloom: Hey there girls! Wanna see how big my sword really is?
WillFans: SQUEEEEEEEEE!
Author: See? Everyone's happy.
(Lights dim, a spotlight bathes Ethel and Jack on the sandy beach. Only the sounds of the waves are heard before the music starts up)
Jack: I never knew you felt this way.
Ethel: But I did.
No one has ever loved me, I've never been loved.
Never.
It never used to bother me, I never used to mind.
Until now.
(Jack and Ethel are now magically transported on top of a giant elephant. No, not a real one!)
Before, I didn't know what love was exactly.
It was something I ignored, I didn't want it,
I didn't need it, I never had to think about it.
Until you came along, I was happy.
Jack and Ethel: To a certain point that is! (both hold each other's hands in a cheesy embrace)
(Other pirates walk in from both sides of the stage and start a slow dance. They are out of the spotlight but their silhouettes can be seen by pink backlighting. Winged babies flutter around with bows and arrows. Like Cupids)
Ethel: Yet I didn't know how much happier I could be,
But at the same time have so much pain inflicted upon me.
Whenever you're gone, I'm empty, my heart stops, I'm not myself anymore. I slowly diiiiiie!
I never wanted to love. When you're here with me, every part of you is perfect.
Jack and Ethel: I don't need anything else to liiiiiiiive. (fade)
(All actors look down as the lights abruptly go out)
AllReaders: (wipes tears away from eyes)
PickyReader: You know, he STILL hasn't answered her question.
Jack: (looks up) Fine I will! (back into Captain Jack Sparrow mode) Ethel, love. Before you came along, I never felt the way I do now.
(Lights change. Red, green, orange and blue spotlights flash around, disco music starts. Jack changes into a sparkly sequined shirt that reflects the now flashing lights. Other dancers come onto stage, wearing much the same get up. A conga line starts while other people start dancing the salsa)
Jack: I love you
I need you
I can't live without you
The thought of it makes me blue
I just don't know what to do
I'll probably eat a shoe
And moo
And quack too
And hop around like a kangaroo
And now I don't know what else that rhymes with "oo"
Except for flew, threw and blew
I love you!
Cha cha cha!
(Lights go back to normal and Jack and Ethel finish their boogie to sit back down on the beach again)
Jack: (serious look on face) I think what I'm trying to say here is that … I don't know what to do, I've never been in this situation before … it's always …
CynicalReader: In, out, pay.
InnocentReader: I don't get it.
OlderFriendofInnocentReader: She's, ah, talking about um, drive-throughs. Yeah, he's comparing his life to drive-throughs. You know, full of empty, mechanical, ah, things taking what you want and leaving.
CynicalReader: (smirks) I know he can "drive-through" me anytime.
OlderFriendofInnocentReader: You're not helping the situation you know.
CynicalReader: (picks off an olive from cocktail stick with teeth) Wasn't trying to punkin.
Jack: Empty, meaningless nights, just to let off steam from the lonely nights at sea. I love you Ethel.
Ethel: I love you too Jack. You know that.
(Kiss)
(AllReaders hold onto tissues, sobbing their eyes out)
CynicalReader: Ah, get over it losers!
(Dramatic music starts; stage is backlit by suffused white light)
Ethel: (breaks away from kiss) What - what's that?
Jack stands up again and walks slowly away from Ethel, holding out his hand to her and never breaking his gaze from her eyes.
Jack: Lonely rivers flow
To the sea to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me
Wait for me
I'll be coming home, wait for me
FanaticReaders: I'll wait for you! I love you Jack! (squeals)
Record screeches to a halt. Jack looks around, confused, interrupted in the middle of his serenade of "Unchained Melody" to Ethel by some angry looking fat guys in white robes with wings attached crudely to their backs walking out onto the stage.
FatUglyAngel: This is out part Mister Sparrow. If you'd be so kind as to SHUT UP! And let us to our job, we'd be greatly appreciative.
Jack: That's not very nice hon, and it's Captain Sparrow to you sugah'! (snaps fingers)
FatUglyAngel: Whatever. (walks off stage)
The light came from the rock face behind their campsite. More brilliant than the sun and purer than the moonlight it shone. Ethel and Jack raced back towards it and tore through the crowd that had gathered around it.
(Eerie music starts. Foreground of stage darkens. People on wires appear. They look to be … angels)
CynicalReader: Lookie! You can see the wires attaching them to the roof of this place. Ha! Yeah, good work you geeky backstage techies!
GeekyBackstageTechie1: We're doing the best we can lady!
Angels: The Treasure of Tingilinde it holds,
Yield only to those who possess in purity
What others have none
Only they may take as their rightful own
The one of the air yet lives on the sea
And the one that shines brightest in the dark.
StupidReader: Huh?
AnnoyedReader: It's them stupid. The sparrow and the moon. Duh.
StupidReader: What do they possess in purity that others have none?
AnnoyedReader: LOVE! What did they just proclaim to each other just before? THEIR LOVE? Why did they kiss? BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER!
(The front part of the rock face is lifted up while the angels raise their arms up to the sky and fly away)
BacktageMuscleGuy1: Okay and – HEAVE!
WeirdedOutReader: That part was just weird with a beard. I mean angels? Come on!
Ethel and Jack walked in and what they saw made them both gasp in surprise.
Jack: -
Ethel: -
Anamaria: -
Gibbs: -
OtherPirates: -
Wesley: Oh My! I think I may have just walked into Liz Taylor's private vault!
ScaredReader: It's full of syringes of botox and collagen and fresh young victims about to have their faces pulled off! Argh!
Wesley: Ah, no.
(Background flips around to show a dance floor of some trendy nightclub. Britney Spears' "Toxic" blares out on unseen speakers. Wesley appears in a blue flight attendant's costume complete with hat artfully placed over bleached locks)
Wesley: Baby can't you see
I'm callin'
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It's dangerous
I'm falling
(Wesley does some funky dance moves)
There's no escape
I can't wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You're dangerous
I'm loving it
Too high
Can't come down
Losin' my head
Spinnin' 'round and 'round
Do you feel me now?
With the taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slippin' under
With a taste of the poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic?
And I love what you do
Don't you know that you're toxic?
BaffledReader: Uh, what just happened? That song didn't even fit in with the storyline!
Author: I know, I just have that song in my head at the moment. It's damn catchy and it's fun to see Wesley with blonde hair and a blue flight attendant's outfit.
It was a cavern stretching into the far off distance, the end of it lost in the gloom. The former inhabitants of this place seemed to favour a nautical theme from what the carvings depicted. Motifs of mermaids, selkies and sea monsters in scenes of battle and of everyday life sprang out from the walls. The ceiling arched up to an unfathomable height that let a filtered amount of sunlight in. It wasn't the grand interior that took away their breaths but the mass amounts of treasure lining the walls on either side, up to and above the height of their heads. Gold coins, goblets, chalices encrusted with gems, tiaras, crowns, circlets, bracelets, precious stones the size of your hand and all other wealthy paraphernalia stretched from either side of the entrance, leaving a bare, narrow strip that reached to the very end of the chamber.
Their reactions were instantaneous, like water restrained and finally bursting from the pressure that gradually mounted for days. Wesley leapt up on the nearest pile and disappeared to the every end where the only sounds that could be heard of his trail was the clinking his skirt made from brushing the loose treasure and his screams of "Gold! Gold! Gold for meeeeeee!" Jack and the other pirates leapt forward to inspect the riches, leaving Ethel stunned and standing by herself. Alone. The happiness and awe that had built up inside her was punctured by worry and fear. Was Jack going to leave her now that he got what he wanted?
AnnoyedReader: Didn't he just proclaim his love for her? In song? Nobody lies in song! It's like a crime … or something. Anyway, she's so self absorbed. It's all about me, me, me!
SmartReader: Which coincidentally is Rule no. 38 in "Writing Mary-Sues – What to do When You're Stuck For an Original Idea and Want Soppy Love Stories Instead" – 'The term 'Mary-Sue', is really a synonym for 'self-centred person'".
AnnoyedReader: (grumbles) Aye. That's certainly a long title for a book.
Their joy however was short lived when a gunshot sounded at the cave entrance. There stood … a pirate who was missing for the better half of the morning. His name was – Basil.
AllReaders: Bwahahahahaha!
SarcasticReader: It's Basil the Bad! Ooooh, don't hurt me!
PertReader: Basil sounds like my geeky uncle who wears thick black plastic rimmed glasses, is attached to polyester plaid and thinks that boiled eggs are cool.
SarcasticReader: It's you isn't it?
PertReader: Yes. (shamefaced)
Basil was a pirate that Jack and his crew had picked up in Tortuga. His dark tanned face contrasted sharply with his shock of his – now dirty – straw blonde hair. A man in his late forties, he had seemed quiet at first, never joining in on the festivities, staying down in his cabin for most of the time. But he was a hard worker, who never complained and was a fierce fighter. Jack and the rest of the crew were only too happy to leave this gaunt man alone.
ObservantReader: Wait, hold onto your flapjacks peeps. Why haven't we ever heard of him before?
SmartReader: Because the Author only needs him now. She didn't think ahead of time. And shhhh, it's another plot hole.
Basil: The booty is ours Sparrow. I will finally have my vengeance! Mwahahahahaha!