A Pirates Life for Me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "This movie stops at nothing... and stays there"
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Act 2 – Sushi and Chaos
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We open on where Sam's guards are trying to fight Pietro, Rahne runs over, biting one of Pietro's tentacles.
"Oww!", says Pietro.
"No talking!", snaps Lance as Pietro raises his tentacle, Rahne still attached up in the air.
"Go Rahne", smirked Roberto
Rahne is tossed free, and flies through the air back to the pirate ship.
"I gotcha, I gotcha", says Magneto, then winces as Rahne lands on him, "….bad back"
"Well, I see you're busy", says Roberto, "So, uh, stay in touch"
Sam blinks in surprise as Roberto begins to walk off.
"Wait! Wait!", he says, "You're just going to run away?"
"Uh, yeah", says Roberto, then blinks as their ships part, trapping him on Sam's ship.
"Roberto", says Piotr from where he is trying to steer the ship, ducking pieces of wood being flung at him.
"MY SHIP!", snaps Roberto
Meanwhile, Sam is fighting Pietro, stabbing him with his sword and suchnot. Suddenly, a mouthpiece pops out and grabs Jason, sucking him into his mouth.
"I regret everything!", yells Jason before he is eaten.
"Heads up!", shouts Roberto, before firing a lighted canon at Pietro, who eats it.
"How, stand by for sushi", says Roberto.
The cannon blows up in Pietro, but does nothing but make him spew out slime…and a still alive Jason. Jason blinks in surprise, before grabbing his sword, running back at Pietro.
"Give that guy a raise", says Roberto
"Come on, Roberto, lets go!", says Sam, going to run for it as Pietro wreaks the ship some more.
"Wait, stand your ground", says Roberto, before whistling.
"What are you doing?", blinks Sam.
"Hey, lobster boy, over here!", shouts Roberto.
"Don't call me lobster boy!", snaps Pietro, shooting his mouth piece at Roberto.
Roberto sticks his sword in it, pinning it toe the ship. As Pietro tries to get free, Sam and Roberto run for it, Roberto grabbing one end, tossing the other to Sam, them both being on opposite sides of the mast, the rope around it.
"Lets go", smirks Roberto
The two grab each others hands, running up the mast, Roberto pulling up a dagger buried within it with his foot half way and tossing it into his mouth, as they get to the top, he spits it into his hand.
"And the plan?", asks Sam.
"How about try not to get killed?", tries Roberto.
Roberto cuts his end of the…umm bit that hold the sail.
"Someone knows nothing about ships, and is writing a pirate story", says Lance.
Roberto tosses the dagger to Sam.
"Here, you'll need this"
"Where are you going?", blinks Sam.
"Fishing", grins Roberto, beginning to tightrope walk over a rope above Pietro, "Left,right,left,right,left,right,left,right"
Pietro reaches up a tentacle, grabbing the rope, Roberto diving onto the other mast, using his own dagger and cutting his.. sailing thing. Sam twigs onto his idea as both saily things are now pointing downwards towards Pietros head.
"Now!", shouts Roberto as they cut the ropes ate the same, the saily things flying down, stabbing Pietro in the head.
"….Death!", whines Pietro, as Roberto and Sam dangle above him from ropes.
"You okay?", asks Roberto as he landed.
"Yeah", says Sam, "Thanks for sticking around"
"Ahh, just like old times", says Roberto as Pietro slides back into the water, his tentacle heading for Sam's head, "look out!"
Roberto knocks him aside, and is dragged down into the water. Sam is about to dive after him, but is stopped by his men.
"Wow…what a crappy movie", says Lance, "the hero's dead already"
Roberto and Pietro sink down below the ocean, where Wanda suddenly appears in her floaty oily self. If Roberto could talk..he'd probably say something akin to 'I'm screwed'. But he can't. So there. Wanda blows a bubble, which grows and takes in Roberto, letting him breathe
"The day began with such promise", says Wanda, "And now loo. My sea-monster-brother is dead, and I still don't have the book of peace. All because of you, Roberto"
Roberto blinks as she appears next to him.
"I'm screwed", he says.
Told you.
"Uh…huh", says Roberto, "And you are?..."
"Wanda, the Goddess of Discord", says Wanda, "No doubt you've seen my likeness on the temple walls"
She creates herself bat-like wings from her fingers.
"…..You're Batwoman?", blinks Lance, "Who knew?"
"You know", Roberto chuckles nervously, "They don't do you justice"
"Uh huh", says Wanda dryly, "No, about my sea-monster-brother"
"Right, right", says Roberto, "Listen, I'm sorry about that. I don't suppose a heartfelt apology would do?"
"No, it wouldn't", whines dead-Pietro.
"Heartfelt?", laughs Wanda, "From you? Roberto, you don't have a heart"
"…Okay, I know he killed your brother and all, but ouch", says Lance.
"That's what I like about you", she smiles.
"…..Are you coming on to me?", blinks Roberto.
"So, I'm going to let you live", says Wanda, brushing a hand over his cheek.
"I think you ARE coming on to me", says Roberto.
"But there's just one little thing you have to do", says Wanda.
"I don't do anything too kinky", says Roberto, "It's bad for my back"
Wanda gives him a deadly glare.
"Get the book of peace, and bring it to me", she says.
"Right. Hmmm", says Roberto, "Now, see, that's a problem for me because I had my own plans for it. Ransom, get rich. You know, 'me' stuff".
He squeaks as Wanda appears in front of him again.
"You're not thinking big enough, Roberto", she says, creating a version of his dagger out of nothing, "steal the book for ransom, and you'll be rich enough to lounge on an island beach. Steal the book for me, and you can buy the beach, and the island and the world"
"Hmmm", says Roberto, mulling this over, "You let me live, you make me rich, I retire to paradise. So far, I don't see a downside. If you keep your word"
Wanda sighs.
"Roberto, when a goddess gives her word", she says, cutting an X on her collarbone, with the dagger, which glows white, "she's bound for all eternity"
"Kinky", says Lance.
"All right", says Roberto, "you're on"
"I knew you'd see it my way", purrs Wanda, "So, when you've stolen the book.."
She makes an image of the sea in the bubbles wall, showing a bright star in the sky.
"Follow that star beyond the horizon", she says, "You'll find yourself in Tartarus, my Realm of Chaos"
"Tartarus", blinks Roberto.
"Sounds like some sort of microwaveable snack food", says Lance.
"I'll see you there", grins Roberto.
"It's a date then", smirks Wanda, making his dagger vanish as he reaches out to grab it, "So, where were we? Oh, yes. You were holding your breath"
Roberto blinks as she vanishes, the bubble filling with water as he swims to the surface. Wanda smirks, watching from the depths.
"He's so cute", she smirks.
"….You were coming on to him!", says Lance.
Wanda ignores him, watching as Pietro suddenly reappears.
"Hey, everyone, I'm not dead!", he grins.
"And so gullible", says Wanda, then turns to see Pietro, " Pietro, well done"
On the surface, Roberto comes up, coughing and spluttering, before being hauls on his ship by Piotr as they sail past.
"Roberto, you're alive!", grins Evan, "glad you made it!"
He looks over at Remy.
"Pay up, he lived"
"…..Crap", says Remy, handing Evan some gold.
"What happened down there?", asks Piotr.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you", says Roberto.
"Try me", says Piotr.
"All right, here goes", says Roberto, "So I meet Wanda, the Goddess of Chaos. She's got a major crush on me, and she invited me back to her place"
Piotr arches a brow, then laughs,
"Hah, that's a good one", he says, "Goddess of Chaos? Oh, I'm writing that down"
Roberto scowls as Piotr walks off, laughing. Todd swings down from a rope by Roberto's head.
"So that's it then?", he asks, "No book? Now what do we do?"
"A little patience Toad", says Roberto, "It's not like we don't know where it's going"
They watch Sam's ship sailing off, Sam smiling, noticing Roberto's still alive
"Men and Viper, all sails to Bayville!", he says.
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Ahhh the joy of evil, huh? In the next instalment, we meet a lovely lady. Yey! Do review. Until next time….