A Pirates Life for Me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins"
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Act 3 – Party crashing
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We watch Sam's ship sail into Bayville, which has been decked out as a fancy load of cities on the water.
"Guys, we spent most of our budget on this get-up, so if the rest of the parody is crap, I apologise", says Lance.
The crowd cheers as Sam's men carry the book of peace into a tower, where they lay it to rest. It shines out of the tower like a beacon.
"For as long as I can remember", says Logan, from where he stands watching it, "I've dreamed of this moment. The scared treasure that's protected us fer a thousand years is now in Bayville"
We see he is making a toast as a fancy shindig.
"Ta the book of peace", he says, raising his wine glass.
"And to you, King Logan and Prince Samuel", says Xavier.
"King Logan, boo-yah", says Logan, "I knew this day would come. I knew. I just had ta bide my time"
"….Why do a'h keep getting replacement father figures in these parodies?", blinks Sam, "do you guys want to give me a complex or something?"
Suddenly, he guards rush off to the doors, where Roberto and his crew have crashed the party.
"You see?", sighs Roberto, "This is what happens when you use the front entrance"
"What is he doing here?", grumbles Logan as he and Sam head towards them.
"At least he's not out robbing someone", says Sam optimistically.
"That's because everyone worth robbing is here!", snaps Logan.
Still surrounded by guards, Roberto smirks at Sabertooth.
"I'll bet you ten crowns you're about to put those swords down", he says.
"I'll take that bet", growls Sabertooth.
"Guards", says Sam, "put away your swords"
Roberto grins smugly at Sabertooth as he does as he's told.
"One day, smug boy", mutters Sabertooth, "one day"
"I don't see you for ten years, and now twice in one day", Sam puts a hand to his head dramatically, "you're smothering me"
Roberto laughs, shaking his hand.
"I knew you'd want to thank me for saving your life", he says, "…again"
"You probably just heard we had free food and wine", laughs Sam, leading Roberto away.
"You hear that guys?", Roberto calls to his crew from over his shoulder, "Dinner and drinks are on the prince"
"Come on", says Sam, "There's someone a'h want you to meet"
"Get to work", Roberto whispers to his crew before following Sam.
Just as Piotr steps forward, Caliban steps in front of him.
"Weaponsssss?"
Piotr arches a brow, and suddenly pulls two swords, amking a few guards step back. Piotr smiles pleasantly, putting them on the table, and heading into the party. He is followed by Toad. Forge stops and starts unloading piles of nasty-looking gadgets out.
"….Where is he keeping it all?", blinks Lance.
"Here she is", says Sam as he leads Roberto through the crowd, "Ah've told her all about you"
Roberto grins as he steals Nick Fury's wine before he can drink it.
"……No wine makes Nick a…sad, sad man", sighs Nick.
Sam clears his throat.
"Roberto, I would like to introduce you to my fiancée", he says, "the Lady Danielle, Ambassador from Dark Hollow"
Dani grins as she walks over, all dressed up smart-like, Roberto blinking at her dumbfounded.
"I get to be engaged to Sam and get hot Rob action?", she asks, "and I thought making out with Freddy was fun!"
"Whore", says Lance.
"So, this is the infamous Roberto", says Dani, looking him up and down, "I heard all about this morning. First, you try to rob Sam, and then you save his life"
She smirks.
"So, which are you?", she asks, "A thief or a hero?"
"You can be both!", whines Remy from backstage.
"Roberto wanted to give me an opportunity to thank…", Sam blinks as Roberto suddenly walks into the crowd, "…him"
Elsewhere in the hall, Rahne is walking along the table, eating everything in sight.
"I'm hungry like the woooooooooooooooolf", she sings.
At the other end, Todd is talking to Xavier, his arms full of various foodstuffs.
"Eight months on the sea with nothin' but eggs and pickles", he says, "you don't know what that can do ta a man"
"….Go away, you smelly person", mutters Xavier.
Todd grins as Roberto walks past.
"It's almost too easy", he says, "There's only a handful'a gurds"
"Forget it", says Roberto, pushing past as Piotr walks over, "Let's get back to the ship"
"Just like that?", asks Piotr, "But the book is almost ours"
He frowns, looking the way Roberto came from, noticing Dani and Sam.
"Oh", he blinks.
"What?", asks Todd, dropping his food, "Who's she? An old girlfriend?"
"Hey, a line you said in the show!", Lance grins, "Cool"
"I'm afraid it's not that simple", says Piotr, "Lets go"
He walks past where Forge has put the last of his gadgets on the now piled high table.
"Forge, pack it up"
"What?", says Forge, "I just put the…..awwww!"
Muttering to himself, he picks up his stuff and heads off after them. On the roof of the building, Wanda watches them.
"Oh, this is just too easy", she chuckles, and vanishes.
Elsewhere, Sam and Dani are having a moment alone.
"Bow chicka wow wow", says Jamie, appearing from nowhere.
"Get lost you little pervert!", snaps Lance.
"Look at it this way", says Dani, "Now that Roberto's gone, your father can finally relax and enjoy the evening"
"Well, you're right about that", chuckles Sam, "He's trying not to show it, but he's so proud to have the book in Bayville. He's been planning this day his whole life"
"And soon it will be your responsibility", says Dani.
"Our responsibility", smiles Sam, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Don't make me kill you", growls Rahne from backstage.
They smile and look out across the nicely sci-fi effected city and ocean.
"It's beautiful", sighs Dani, looking at the ocean.
"It is. My father spent years preparing it for the book", says Sam, looking at the tower and getting the wrong end of the stick completely, as he is prone to do, "There are guards on every level, and if you look up to the…"
He pauses, noticing Dani arching a brow at him.
"Ah", he chuckled nervously, "You were talking about the ocean, weren't you?"
"I only wish I'd seen more of it", says Dani, "I used to imagine sailing far beyond the twelve cities, discovering the world"
She sighs, walking over to the balcony.
"Oh, look at it, Sam", she sighs, "There's so much wonder"
"….A'hm slightly scared", says Sam, "A'h remember what Dani was like in the Hercules parody…she scared me"
"I was hormonal and you looked good in a toga", snapped Dani.
"Children, be nice", says Lance.
"Dani", says Sam, taking her to a seat, kneeling on the floor next to her, "Our marriage was arranged many years ago"
"…It was?", blinks Dani, "First I heard of it"
"Script, Dani, script", says Lance.
"It's always been expected of us", he continues, "But politics is not a reason to get married, and a'h don't want you to do this just because it's your duty"
Sam sighs.
"A'hm asking you for myself now", he says, "Danielle, will you marry me?"
"…Awww, he's so cute", says Dani, "can I have both?"
"No!", snaps Lance.
"….Darn", sighs Dani.
Before she can reply to Sam, Logan comes walking over.
"There ya are!", he says, "I think the delegates from the Morlock tunnels are tryin' ta give a toast. Though I'm not sure. They're doin' somethin' with their knees. Danielle, I need an ambassador"
Dani sighs, looking at Sam, then smiling at Logan.
"Of course, Sire", she says, following him, Sam trailing behind.
None of them notice Wanda heading into the book tower as a shadow. Inside, she causes a candle to blow out, Gauntlet, who is on guard duty, pauses and blinks, pulling out his sword.
"A little trigger happy, aren't we?", asks Lance.
Gauntlet shakes his head at the candle, sheathing his sword, pausing to look at the book, not seeing Wanda shadow appearing behind him. She resumes solid form long enough to smother two candles with her hands, before vanishing again.
"…Someone's playing mind games on me", whimpers Gauntlet, "who's there!"
Wanda lands on the floor behind a pillar, making a puppet Roberto, stepping inside him and walking out towards Gauntlet, pulling out his/her dagger.
"I got no strings to hold me down!", sings Wanda.
"Roberto!", snaps Gauntlet.
"Dude, Roberto's eyes aren't yellow", says Lance, "…well, at least at night, away"
Gauntlet goes to cut him with his sword, which 'Roberto' blocks with 'his' dagger, before happily punching out Gauntlet.
"I love playing pretend", grins Wanda, assuming her true form, putting Roberto's dagger in the ground next to an unconscious Gauntlet.
She chuckles evily, grabbing the book.
"All the pieces are coming together", she says.
She shuts the book with a slam, causing a great darkness to fall over the land, and causing a few earthquakes.
"Dum dum duuuuuuum", says Lance
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Awww, poor Sammy. Do review. Until next time….