A Pirates Life for Me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "If you don't understand it, shoot it"
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Act 4 – Substitution
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Not long after Wanda steals the book of peace, we see Roberto being tossed into jail by Caliban and Leech, chained up. Sam frowns at him from the other side of the room.
"Roberto"
"Sam!", says Roberto, "It's about time"
"….For what?", asks Lance, "the guys had you chained up!"
"Do you realise how serious this is?", asks Sam.
"Do you realise how many times I've heard that today?", shoots back Roberto.
"Five", says Lance.
"Twelve", shouts Todd form backstage.
"Twenty five!", shouts Kurt
"You've betrayed Bayville", snaps Sam
"Oh, not you too", groans Roberto.
"Stealing the book of Peace, when you knew how much it meant to us!", shouts Sam.
"Sam, here's the way it works", explains Roberto, "First, I actually commit a crime, and then you get to blame me for it"
"That's not how the X-Geeks work", says Lance
"Then how do you explain this?", asks Sam, pulling out Roberto's dagger from his coat.
"I mean, I didn't even steal any of the X-Vehicles, and Blinky still blamed me for it!", rants on Lance
Ignoring Lance, Roberto stares at the dagger, before blinking.
"Wanda"
"What?", asks a puzzled Sam.
"Wanda…she framed me!", says Roberto.
"Roberto, listen to yourself", says Sam pointedly.
"Trust me, Sam", says Roberto.
"Last time a'h trusted you, a'h ended up half-naked in the swimming pool with the words 'A'h am a fish' written on ma'h forehead", says Sam.
"The book is in Tartarus", says Roberto, "and you deserved it"
"Does Tartarus fight the five leading causes of gum disease?", ponders Lance
"Talk to your father", says Roberto, "Tell him I'm.."
"This is beyond ma'h father", says Sam, "The ambassadors are convening now for your trial"
"Whoah, whoah, whoah, trial?", asks Roberto, "I didn't do it! Look, I left the book on your ship, and that's the last I saw of it. You were there. You know the truth. You know me"
"Do A'h?", asks Sam, "A'h knew a kid. Who are you now, Roberto?"
"You just answered your own question", points out Lance unhelpfully.
"Look me in the eye and tell me", says Sam, "Did you steal the book?"
Roberto looks at Sam levelly.
"No"
We shift scenes to Roberto's trial.
"We've heard enough of yer lies", snaps Logan, "Roberto, for the last time, give us the book"
"How many times do I have to say it?", sighs Roberto, "I don't have it"
"Very well, then", says Xavier, "The Delegation of the Twelve Cities finds you guilty of treason, and we sentence you to die. Take him away".
"…..That isn't very nice", says Lance, "I knew something was twisted about that guy".
"Come on, this is a joke, right?", snaps Roberto as he is led away, "Are you people blind? I didn't do it!"
"Stop!", says Sam, walking through the crowd, "A'h demand the right of substitution"
"The right of whaty-what-now?", asks Lance
"Take me in his place", says Sam.
"Oh, right, gotcha", says Lance, "continue"
"No!", snaps Logan.
"Roberto says that Wanda took the book", says Sam, "and A'h believe him. Let him go to Tartarus and recover the book".
"What?", blinks Roberto, blinking out of the smirk he'd been growing.
Roberto moves over to Sam, giving him a prod as the council begin to talk amongst themselves.
"What are you doing?", he asks.
"You claim that Wanda stole the book", says Sam, "steal it back. You're good at that".
"Hey, look, I will not be responsible for your life", says Roberto.
"Always a good thing to hear form your team-mate", says Lance
"You would do the same for me", says Sam.
"No, I wouldn't", says Roberto.
"That's even better", says Lance
"If Roberto is allowed to leave the city, he'll never come back!", snaps Logan, "Son, listen to reason".
"No, Father, you listen", says Sam, then addresses the court, "Roberto either stole the book or he's telling the truth and it's in Tartarus. Either way. he's our only hope".
"But you can't", we can see Dani arguing with Xavier with the other ambassadors.
"Samuel", says Xavier, "You realize that if Roberto does not return, you will be put to death in his place".
"A'h understand", sighs Sam.
"So be it", says Xavier, "Roberto has ten days to return the book"
"Release him", scowls Logan, Roberto being released and the handcuffs being put on Sam, who is led away.
Sam pauses as they pass by Dani, giving her one of his token Sam-smiles. The kind that makes girls go squee.
"Squee", says Dani,
"Just like that", says Lance.
"Oh, and Roberto", calls Sam, "don't be late"
Roberto groans, wincing as Dani gives him a glare. We shift scenes to Roberto's ship as it sails out of Bayville harbour. Todd lights a torch in his hands, and proceeds to swing around the ship on a rope, lighting all the candles. Piotr holds one up as Todd swings past, it lighting before he puts it down, not once looking up from his map. Piotr sighs, walking over to where Roberto is staring at Wanda's star in the horizon.
"So any idea how me actually get to Tartarus?", he asks.
"Tartarus?", asks Roberto, "Oh, no, no, no, no. People get killed in Tartarus"
"…So where are we going?", blinks Piotr.
Roberto unfurls a map with a hula girl on it.
"Fiji!", he proclaims proudly.
"Fiji?", asks Piotr, "This time of year?".
"Think of the beaches", grins Roberto.
"Oh, beautiful", says Piotr dryly, "if you like mosquitoes".
"I do", says Todd as he whizzes past, "Umm…I can't stop"
"Think of the sun", tries Roberto, "oh, glorious sun"
"It's monsoon season", reasons Piotr.
"Oh", grins Roberto, "then the women"
"They're cannibals, Roberto", points out Piotr.
"Exactly", grins Roberto.
"…That's just wrong", says Lance
Piotr groans, walking away.
"Come on, Piotr", says Roberto.
"He's your friend", says Piotr.
"Oh, here we go", sighs Lance "Mr. Righteous"
"Listen to you", tuts Roberto, "You sound like my mother"
"….Your mother is a 6-foot plus Russian guy?", asks Lance.
"Sam will be fine", says Roberto, ignoring Lance's comment.
"You're sure of that?", asks Piotr.
"You and I both know Logan is not going to let them execute his only son", says Roberto.
"So, we're running away?", asks Piotr.
"We're retiring", counters Roberto, "We don't need another score. We've got enough. Now, set a course for Fiji".
Piotr sighs, going to the helm.
"Gentlemen", shouts Roberto, "we're heading for Fiji!"
The guys cheer, starting their Fiji chant again. Roberto sighs, heading to his quarters.
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Another chapter done, wee! Next up, Roberto gets an unexpected stowaway. Do review. Until next time….