A Pirates Life for Me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Drunks are so cute"
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Act 6 – Mood music
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We open on the ship as the door to Roberto's cabin is prised open by Dani. She walks out, looking behind her.
"Oh, come on, you look great"
Rahne whines, padding after her, her fur on her head in a pink bow.
"I look like an ass", she mutters
The second Dani walks off, Rahne shakes the bow off.
"…I hate bows, this isnae Crufts, damnit!"
Dani walks onto deck to see the men at work, nearly being taken out by a couple of poles Forge is carrying.
"Watch it, Jerkoff", she snaps.
"Bite me", he says, walking off.
"…Okay, you were nicer to each other in the script, but whatever", shrugs Lance.
Dani scowls, then blinks at a nasty looking cavern of rocks they are heading to. Sharp, pointy rocks.
"The dragon's teeth?", she blinks.
Todd clears his throat, jumping from the crows nest to dangle by her head.
"Indeed, signorina", he says, "Only the most foolish of captains would dare sail a ship through this"
"I heard that", says Roberto, "Toad, rig the fores'le. I don't know what it is, but it sounds gooood. Fores'le"
"Excuse me, signorina", smiles Todd, jumping back up.
Dani frowns, walking over to where Roberto is at the helm.
"Fores'le", he smiles to himself.
"Are you sure you know what…", she starts.
"Yes, we've done this kind of thing before", says Roberto.
"Look…"
"No, there is no other way", he cuts in again.
"But…"
"And, yes, you have my permission to stand there quietly and get a free lesson in sailing"
"You know…", starts Dani.
"Besides, a ship is no place for a woman", finishes Roberto.
"….You are so asking for a slap", says Lance.
The ship sails off towards the sharp, pointy rocks, sailing carefully through them.
"Steady as she goes", says Roberto.
"Rocks, off the starboard bow", shouts Todd.
"Clingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow", sings Lance. (1)
As the ship starts to avoid pointy rocks, we see some shipwrecks, as a soft singing starts up.
"Steady", says Roberto
They pass a wooden sculpture at the front of a boat.
"Another Todd Fan inability to know nautical terms", says Lance.
…..That looks a lot like Tabby.
"What is that sound?", asks Dani, only to be shushed by Roberto.
Suddenly, watery figure drop from figurines that look like Kitty and Amara into the water, causing Dani to gasp.
"Now, for the purposes of making this scene as real as possible", says Lance, "I got the entire male crew absolutely drunk on vodka jelly"
"….I thought it tasted funny", giggles Todd.
More sirens arrive as Jean, Tabby and Rogue drop into the water.
"If they start singing that song with a music video, I'm leaving", says Lance.
"Roberto, I…", starts Tabby, not noticing Roberto has a rather stupid grin on his face.
Rahne begins barking, causing Dani to look over the side of the ship, where Tabby and Kitty jump past.
"Sirens", blinks Dani, "pity I was introduced after that…I'd have liked to kick ass"
Meanwhile, the male crew, duly high on vodka jellies watch the sirens, entranced.
"Roberto", says Dani, giving him a shake as the ship goes into more dangerous water, Roberto in a daze.
"Remy? Evan?", tries Dani.
Both are also thoroughly drunk as they stagger around the deck, Evan managing to kiss Remy's armpit.
"…That's gonna sting in the morning", muses Lance.
"Come and get it, ladies!", grins Magneto, taking off his shirt.
"MY EYES!", screams Lance.
"…Reminds me of when we were younger, and got really drunk in this club in….", Xavier trails off, "….I'm going to go back to being backstage now, that's an R rated story"
"Piotr?", tries Dani.
"Come with me", smiles Piotr, "We'll speak of love"
Todd is blowing kisses to the sirens while swinging on a rope…hitting a mast with a thud.
"….We're all gonna die", sighs Dani
"Who's bad", asks Roberto, "Sin-bad"
"….That joke doesn't even work here!", snaps Lance.
"Ah, men!", snaps Dani
"Sink the ship, sink the ship. sink the ship", chant the sirens.
Dani grabs Roberto by the leg, roughly pulling him away from the helm, taking it herself as she tries to doge the sharp, pointy rocks. The sirens bring a wave of water on the men, giggling.
"I saw her first!", snaps Remy
Dani grabs a rope, handing it to Rahne.
"Round the deck, now!", she shouts.
Rahne runs off with the rope, tying the crew together.
"Amore, amore, amore!", sings Todd as he sails on his rope.
…Except Todd.
"Toad!", snaps Dani
As Todd leans in to give Tabby a kiss, she pulls him under.
"He's part amphibian, I'm sure he can't drown", says Lance, "….this is a good way to find out, anyway"
Dani frowns, putting the dazed Roberto on the helm, so he acts as a deadweight, as she runs over to save Todd, singing on ropes to get him out of the water. Dani grins at her success, but frowns as Kitty moves over to Roberto, trailing a hand over his chin and leading him away.
"…….Hey", says Lance.
"Rahne, get Roberto", shouts Dani.
"With pleasure", she smirks, biting his rear, yanking him back onto deck..and right into Jean, who also begins flirting with him.
With horror, Dani realises they are right over a waterfall, and about to go down it. She falls down the length of the ship, right into Jean, causing her to shatter, and Dani to be lips-to-lips with Roberto.
"….Berto is going to be castrated", says Lance.
Dani growls, punching Roberto to get away, before rushing back to the helm.
"Rahne, the blades!"
Rahne barks, yanking a lever, causing the blades to appear at either side of the ship. These cut through wreaked ships and sirens alike, so Dani can steer the ship through the sirens and into safer water, Roberto getting clonked on the head by some debris. Albeit a bit broken up, the ship lands safely as the men come back around.
"…After quite a bit of coffee", smiles Lance.
Dani lets out a breath as she steers the ship, the picture of calm. Roberto blinks suspiciously as he notices they are out of the nasty area…and Dani is steering his ship.
"…..Did I have a blackout?", he mutters.
"Oh, my precious", purrs Kurt, kissing a fish.
"Wake up, you idiot", says Ray, giving him a slap.
"….Oww", whines Kurt, "I have one scene, and I kiss a fish and get slapped…that's just cruel"
"What happened?", blinks Evan.
"We ate vodka jellies, that's what happened", says Magneto, "this is worse than that time in that club in…"
"We decided not to tell that story", says Xavier.
"Roberto saved us", says Remy.
"No, Dani", says Todd, from where he is still dangling by a rope.
Roberto scowls as the crew murmur about Dani saving them. He stalks over to where she is at the helm.
"All right men, snap out of it", says Piotr, "Lets get back to reality. We got a ship to sail"
"Here's my little hero", smiles Dani, patting Rahne on the head, "You were so brave. Yeah, what a good dog"
"Wolf", says Rahne.
Roberto clears his throat.
"Still think a ship's no place for a woman?", Dani asks smugly.
"Absolutely!", snaps Roberto, "I mean, look at my ship!"
He gestures to destroyed parts of it.
"This railing was hand-carved mahogany!", he rants, "And here! These moldings came all the way from Damascus! Do you have any idea what I went through to steal these?"
Roberto scoffs, crossing his arms.
"That's exactly why women shouldn't drive"
"……Yup, that's it, he's a dead man", says Lance.
Dani looks like she could very well kill him for a moment.
"Are you crazy?", she snaps, "I saved your life!"
"Oh, I would have been fine", says Roberto, taking the helm back, "I always am"
"Right", growls Dani, walking off, muttering under her breath, "So ungrateful. It's just typical"
"And you chipped the paint!", Roberto snaps after her, "Right there look at it. That's more than a little scratch"
Dani scowls, slamming the door of the food store behind her. The crew turns to look at Roberto. Rahne barks, looking at him disgustedly. Roberto groans as he walks past towards the food stores.
"The dog and the crew and that…that woman!", he snaps, banging on the door, giving the crew a glare.
"What?", snaps Dani as she opens the door.
"Thank you!", snaps Roberto.
"You're welcome!", snaps Dani
"No problem!", says Roberto.
"Don't worry about it", growls Dani
"I won't!"
"Good!"
"Goodbye!"
"Bye to you!"
Dani slams the door behind her again.
"…If you two weren't screaming at each other, I'd say you were making progress", says Lance.
Roberto glares at the crew, who wander off to do their work.
"You happy now?", he asks Rahne.
Rahne barks happily. Then tilts her head as Roberto walks away, a piece of bare ass showing thanks to her bite.
"Shake that ass!", she giggles.
"….And with that disturbing thought, lets cut", says Lance.
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(1) – Proof I am a child of the 80's. A line from the song 'Star Trekkin' by the Firm. My folks used to wake me up to see this music video, I loved it that much. Still hate Star Trek, but, God, that songs addictive.
Siren fun, no? Do review. Until next time…