A Pirates Life for Me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?"
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Act 7 – A big wet thing
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We open the scene in Bayville, where Sam is sulkily looking outside his prison window.
"The fact a'h can fly out of here if I wanted to really depresses me", he says.
He tilts his head to the side as the door opens, Logan stepping through, followed by Sabertooth and Jason.
"Sam, come quickly", he says
"…Wha?", blinks Sam.
"There's a ship waiting in the harbour", says Logan, "A crew of my most trusted officers will take you far form Bayville"
"….Does that mean he don't trust us?", whispers Sabertooth to Jason, "'cause that'll give me an excuse ta maul him"
"There will be no maulings!", snaps Lance.
"But the ambassadors' guards?", asks Sam.
"Are asleep or well bribed", says Logan.
"When you asleep, do you really mean dead?", asks Sam, arching a brow.
"Potato, potato", says Logan, "We must go now"
"Go where?", asks Sam, "To live the rest of my life in exile?"
"I got exiled, it's not too bad", says Remy, "you just gotta be careful not to go nowhere they want to kill you, dat's all"
"…..So…much…bad…grammar", blinks Lance.
"To live, son", says Logan, "I won't let them exile you for Roberto's crime"
"Wow, you really do care", says Sam, "can a'h have a hug"
"NO"
"Neither will Roberto", says Sam stubbornly.
"What, hug you?", asks Lance.
"Sam, don't be foolish!", snaps Logan, "Roberto has no intentions of goin' ta Tartarus. The Roberto you knew as a child is…"
"Is still in him as a man", says Sam, "I've seen it"
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaally?", says Lance, "Yeah, no gay undertones there at all"
"Sam…", tries Logan.
"Go, not-my-real-father", says Sam, "I know what I'm doing"
He pats Logan's shoulder, despite the risks of severe bodily harm. Logan sighs, leaving the cell.
Elsewhere, we see the ship has docked on an island.
"All right, listen up", says Piotr, "We're here for ten minutes. You get lost, you get left"
He pauses.
"That's not very nice…"
"Memo to you, you're pirates!", says Lance.
Roberto is still sulking over his ship.
"How did one woman do so much damage?", he mutters, "All right, I'm going to need the full set of chisels, the jack plane and about a cord of cut wood"
"All right men", says Piotr, "you heard the captain. Find some logs and be quick about it"
Dani scowls at Roberto as he hugs his ship.
"Oh, for heaven's sake!", she snaps, "You only need a little tree sap, and she'll be as good as new"
"When I want your advice…", starts Roberto, then blinks as Dani walks ashore, "Hey, hey!"
"It's Krusty time!", shouts Lance, then coughs, "continue"
"Where do you think you're going?", asks Roberto, not getting an answer, "Well, fine! At least take someone with y…"
In a second the entire crew are around Dani, only too happy to help.
"Why, thank you", smiles Dani, "How nice to see some men haven't forgotten a little common courtesy"
"Common courtesy", mutters Roberto, "they want to see more than courtesy!"
He growls when he sees Piotr heading after them, a tiny little bucket in his huge hand.
"Not so fast"
"But you know she's right", says Piotr, "The tree sap would be prefect for…"
"Just", snaps Roberto, then takes a breath, "stay with the ship"
With that, he heads off onto land, following the group.
"I already said thank you", he calls back, "That's what this is all about, isn't it?"
"It's not what ye said, it's the way ye said it", says Rahne, "Do ye know nothing about women?"
"It's about repairing the ship", says Dani, walking over to a tree, "If I break something, I fix it. Knife please"
"Oh, yeah", snorts Roberto, "Like I'd give you a weapon?"
Dani smirks as everyone else offers up their knives.
"Thank you, Todd", she smiles, taking his.
"You know, you really ought to be a little more courteous", says Todd.
Roberto punches Todd off the rock without even looking at him.
"Oww", says Todd from the bushes.
"Oh, great", mutters Roberto, "Now I'm getting etiquette lessons from a bilge rat"
"Well, she did save the ship, Captain", points out Magneto.
"Why, thank you, Erik", says Dani pleasantly.
"Why is everyone so damn nice to the harpy!", screams Roberto.
"And now she's helping to fix it", says Todd, reappearing from the bushes.
Dani cuts the tree with the knife, getting some tree sap into a bucket.
"Very handy, I'd say", says Evan.
"And brave!", adds Remy.
Roberto groans, covering his face with his hand.
"This…..girl wouldn't know how to fix a broken fingernail!"
"Honestly", growls Dani, "You are the most boorish, pig-headed man I've ever met!"
"Hey, lady, I've seen the highborn boys your type hangs out with", he points to himself, "I'm the only man you've ever met"
"…And he says this around a group of men", says Lance, "Ingenious"
Dani growls as Roberto walks off, throwing the bucket at his head, so he gets covered in tree sap. Roberto stops and twitches, turning around. He smirks, leaning down and picking up a handful of mud…
"No", says Dani, "no, no, no no"
….Which is promptly tossed into Dani's face.
"Five on Dani", says Remy.
"You really will gamble on anything, won't you?", asks Evan.
"You…you", snarls Dani, wiping the mud from her face, "Egotistical"
"You spoiled", starts Roberto.
"Disrespectful"
"Pretentious, pompous"
"Deluded"
"Self-centred"
"High and mighty"
"Untrustworthy"
"It's like insult-o-rama", blinks Lance.
"Ungrateful, impossible, insufferable", rants Dani, tossing various things at Roberto's head.
"At least I'm not repressed!", snaps Roberto.
"Help, help, I'm being repressed", says Todd.
"Repressed!", snaps Dani, "I'll show YOU repressed!"
She growls, picking up a big rock, about to throw it at Roberto head when the entire island moves, all the trees going in, and a bright light shinning down on them.
"Awww, man, it's that living island thing that nearly killed the X-Men and did in the secret squad", says Todd.
"……..What?", asks Lance, "You've been talking to that Deadpool idiot again, haven't you?"
"I'll be quiet now", says Todd meekly.
"Put it back", whispers Roberto.
Danni laughs nervously, putting the rock back….making a huge eye open at their feet. Todd overbalances, falling in and getting covered in eye-juice.
"…..Aww, man, that's nasty", says Todd, then grimaces as Dani proceeds to like the stuff up, "…even grosser"
The eye turns to look at them. It turns out, the island is actually a big fish…a VERY big fish.
"Who the hell woke me up?", snaps Juggernaught.
"Run away, run away!", shouts Roberto.
The crew run, screaming back to the ship, where Piotr blinks in surprise as a fin hits the boat.
"Feeling sea sick", groans Piotr.
The crew run along the Juggerfish, sliding along its fins towards the water.
"Piotr!", shouts Roberto.
"Got it", says Piotr, steering the ship close by.
The crew all fall onto the ship safely, Dani and Roberto landing next to Piotr.
"Veer off, Piotr", says Roberto.
"The star!", says Dani, pointing to where the Juggerfish is heading straight towards it.
"Hold your heading!", says Roberto, running across the deck, grabbing a rope "Toad, tie it off!"
"Wha?", blinks Todd, doing as he's told.
Roberto hooks the other end of the rope onto the Juggerfish.
"I'm not a taxi service!", snaps Juggernaught, "I'm the Juggernaught Bi…"
"DON'T say it, for the love of God, don't say it", says Lance.
Roberto grins cockily, then is thrown to the deck with a thud as the Juggerfish tows them along, riding the waves quickly.
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Wee, another act done, such fun! Do review. Until next time…