A Pirates Life for Me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "So, a nine-iron knocks him cold, but a shotgun does nothing?"
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Act 8 – A cold snap
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By the time morning comes, our heroes are still being towed by the Juggerfish, all the shaking and swaying of the boat making it's inhabitants very ill.
"I think Piotr's dead", says Lance, poking him.
"Roberto, the men can't take much more!", cries the Russian.
"Oh scratch that, still alive", says Lance.
"I can't", Roberto stops to heave, "can't take much more, either. Cut the line"
They cut the line, freeing them from the Juggerfish.
"Freeeeeeeeeeeeeedom", he says, swimming away.
As the boat steadies itself, we see Forge, Magneto and Kurt all looking rather sickly. Rahne gives a wolfy growl.
"No, no, PLEASE!", cries Kurt.
As they go off screen, however, we hear a nasty wolfy barf.
"Eeeew", says Lance.
"Hey, where'd she get the carrots?", whines Forge.
"One of life's eternal mysteries", says Lance.
Roberto groans, sitting down.
"Who's idea was that again?"
"I don't know", says Dani sickly, sitting next to him, "but he owes me lunch"
They share a corny smile, before Roberto looks up at a castle that looks suspiciously like McFadden castle.
"The Granite Gates", he muses, then smirks, "Bet you never thought I'd get us this far"
"I, I didn't", she admits with a giggle, "But Sam did. For some reason he trusts you"
"Sam trusts everyone, it's gonna get him killed one day", says Lance.
"Well, what could he have been thinking?", mutters Roberto.
"How did you two ever meet?", asks Dani.
"Well, my girlfriend was kidnapped by Donald Pierce..", starts Roberto. (1)
"No, in the movie, you idiot", says Lance.
"Running for my life, as usual", chuckles Roberto, "A couple of angry thugs had cornered me outside the palace walls. I was trapped A sword at my throat, and my chest at my.."
"Pickles and eggs!", shouts Ray, coming up with said food.
"Appropriate use of wordplay", says Lance, "It's kinda sad Todd Fan only just got that joke"
Roberto clears his throat.
"Well, you get the idea", he says, "And then suddenly, there was a fourth blade! It was Sam"
He grins.
"You see, he'd watched it all from his room in the palace", he says, "He actually climbed down the castle wall to fight at my side, and, boy, did we fight. It was like we rehearsed it. We were best friends from that day forward"
"What happened with you two?", asks Dani.
"Prepare for angst", calls Lance, "this is an angst alert everyone. This is not a drill"
Roberto sighs sadly, looking down.
"What is it?", asks Dani.
"We…..", Roberto sighs, "took different paths"
"No, that's myself and Charles", points out Magneto.
Dani looks sadly at Roberto as he walks off.
The scene changes so the view is from a bubble. One of the many bubbles in Wanda's bath.
"NAKED SISTER!", screams Pietro covering his eyes, "I'm blind. BLIND!"
"Enough talking", sighs Wanda, ignoring her twin, "Time for some screaming"
She blows on a bubble, causing it to freeze over with ice, turning it into a snowglobe. She smirks, shaking it. The scene shifts back to the boat, where the water around it freezes, trapping it in place. Rahne whimpers as some puppy drool freezes to her face.
"This is so bloody undignified", she mutters.
"For crying out loud, what next!", snaps Roberto, almost walking into a bare-chested Piotr, wincing, "Oh, get a shirt on before you poke someone's eye out!"
"I love that's in a kids movie", giggles Lance, "best line, ever"
"I am not going to kill anyone", says Piotr to himself.
"Okay, guys", calls Roberto, "Get down there and break it up. We've got to keep moving!"
A few minutes later, and the crew are hacking away at the ice, trying to break it free.
"Steal the book of peace", mutters Toad in a little vest shirt and even sillier little hat, "We will retire to the tropics!"
Rahne suddenly starts barking.
"What is it, Rahne, Timmy trapped down a well?", asks Roberto.
"I'm gunnae have ye pickles and eggs on toast, buddy", she warns.
Dani looks out to see a something flying in the distance towards them, trailing snow as it goes, Roberto narrows his eyes, seeing it too. Rahne whimpers, running to hide. There is a loud boom as Bobby, now a big, white…um…owl-thing breaks through a bunch of rocks, flying at them.
"Cool, I get to be evil!", he grins.
"Everyone, back on the ship!", shouts Roberto as the Bobby-Bird circles overhead.
As the crew run for the ship, Forge has to jump (rather stupidly) into the freezing cold water, to avoid being eaten by the Bobby-Bird. Upon getting in the freezing cold water, he inconsiderately begins to drown.
"Forge!", shouts Dani, as Forge manages to surface, clinging to a piece of ice, "Grab the rope"
She tosses him a rope, tying it to the ship…just as the Bobby-Bird catches her in his talons and flies off. Roberto reaches for her hand, grabbing it before losing grips after getting thrown into a random piece of ship. The crew watch in horror as the Bobby-Bird flies up to his den on the top of a mountain.
"That sounds kinky", says Lance.
"Shut up, Alvers", says Bobby, dropping Dani on the floor of his nest, trapping her with his foot, before moving in to kill her widdle self. Of course, she's the heroine, so she doesn't die, he only gets her coat, while she goes to hide under a snowdrift.
On the bottom of the mountain, Roberto is tying daggers to his feet.
"Toad, don't let the blocks freeze", he orders.
"Umm, fine, whatever", says Toad, then coughs, "I mean, aye, aye, captain"
"And Piotr?", asks Roberto.
"Aye?", asks Piotr, still mangling pirate talk with a Russian accent.
"Give me a hug?", grins Roberto, hugging him.
"Excuse me?", blinks Piotr.
Roberto smirks, snagging Piotr's knives from his belt, before tying a shield to his back, tying himself to a harpoon, giving a whistle. Rahne runs over, pulling the bone which releases it, Roberto going flying towards the mountain, hitting it with a thud, getting a mouthful of snow. Roberto mutters to himself as he uses the daggers to climb up the mountain.
"Oh, couldn't she see the bird?", he mumbles, "Everyone else saw it"
"Technically she was saving Forge", says Lance, "hey, has anyone checked if he's not dead?"
"It's as big as a freakin' ship", mutters Roberto, "Danielle? Danielle's looking the other way"
"Seriously, is Forge there?", asks Lance, then shrugs, "Oh well, he'll show up again at some point, I'm sure"
On top of the mountain, the Bobby-Bird is stomping around his nest, looking for Dani.
"This is like King Kong, only very, very messed up", says Dani.
Suddenly, a hand clamps on her face as Roberto appears next to her.
"You're rescuing me", she smiles as he lets her go.
"Yes, if that's what you want to call it", says Roberto, trying to be indifferent, "But this is going to cost you another diamond. Rescues aren't part of the usual tourist package"
They scuttle off as the Bobby-Bird smooshes their hideout, hiding behind the next snowdrift along.
"So", whispers Dani, "How are we going to get down?"
"I….don't know", admits Roberto.
"What!", hisses Dani.
"I don't know yet", repeats Roberto, "I'm thinking about it, all right?"
Dani narrows her eyes at him.
"You scaled a thousand foot tower of ice, and you don't know how to get down!"
"That sounds like an X-Man", nods Lance.
"Of all the ungrateful", starts Roberto, then grunts, "Look, if you'd rather take your chances on your own, that can be arranged"
"Shhhh!", says Dani, "All right. So, what do we have to work with? Um..ropes?"
"Ummmm", Roberto smiles sheepishly, "no"
"Grappling hooks?", tries Dani
"Yeah….no"
"Your swords?", tries Dani desperately.
"Hey, I've got this!", says Roberto, proudly showing her an itty bitty little dagger.
"Oh, great", says Dani dryly, "He can pick his teeth when he's done with us"
"He's an owl, he doesn't have teeth", says Lance.
"Yeah, okay", says Roberto, "See, in the hands on an expert, a good knife has 1,001 uses"
Roberto shows off his expert skills by flicking the knife in his hand, hitting the roof of the snow drifts, promptly making it collapse and giving away their cover.
"Yeah, real useful", says Lance.
Dani gives him a look that would make him die a thousand deaths, if look could kill. He gives a nervous giggle as the Bobby-Bird heads towards them.
"RUN!", shouts Roberto, grabbing her hand as they runs for it.
The Bobby-Bird chases them as they jump off a cliff, Roberto landing on his back, using the shield as a snowboard with Dani in his arms as they skid down the mountain.
"I think we lost him!", shouts Roberto.
"You never say that", says Lance, "have you learned nothing from Movie Night?"
"I don't think so!", screams Dani as the Bobby-Bird steps in front of them.
Roberto pulls the shield from under them, putting it over them so the Bobby-Bird pecks that instead of them as they continue to slide down the mountain. Roberto whimpers as snow begins to go in rather unmentionable places, freezing his pickles and eggs. He quickly slides the shield behind him again as they slide downwards, dodging falling pieces of castle, eventually sliding into a passageway full of icicles, the Bobby-Bird still following.
"Wow, I feel like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park", grins Bobby.
Roberto notices some light to the side, and using his dagger as a break, turn them at an angle, so they head towards it. As they pass the last piece of tunnel, it collapses, smashing the Bobby-Bird's head in.
"I'm not dead yet", says Bobby, "I feel happy, I feel happy"
Roberto and Dani, meanwhile, burst out of the castle, and fall down the mountain, towards the ship.
"Yep, there they are", grins Piotr, as Remy tosses Evan a coin.
As they fall, Dani and Roberto get tangled in the ships sails, eventually landing on the deck, all tied up together.
"Bow chicka wow wow", grins Jamie.
"Little pervert, get lost!", snaps Lance, brandishing a cattle prod, "last warning!"
"There", smirks Roberto, "just as I…..planned"
Dani chuckled softly as they make the eye contact of looourve, before the sails are pulled apart by Piotr, Magneto, Evan and Forge (who is not dead, it seems).
"It's Dani!", they all say happily, helping her up.
"We thought you were gone forever!", cries Todd, hugging her.
"Oh, I'm fine, really", calls Roberto, "But I'm touched by your concern"
He winces, cricking the joints in his back as the last of the crumbling castle breaks up the ice, setting their boat free. The crew cheer, as more eye contact between Roberto and Dani is made.
"Mmmmmm, eye contact", says Lance
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(1) – How they met in the comics, by the by.
There you go, a longer-than-usual chapter because I've been too lazy to update. Do review. Until next time…