A Pirates Life for Me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it like it hurt me"
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Final chapter, nice and long, yo ho ho.
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Act 10 – Honour and stuff
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As they enter Tartarus, Dani and Roberto free-fall in the zodiac-y thing, before stopping inches above some sand. The sand rises and falls like waves, revealing a shipwreck, and then a stone army.
"…Aren't I supposed to fight these?", asks Roberto as they vanish, "or is that that Jason guy?"
"I dunno", shrugs Lance, "it was out of our budget, anyway"
Suddenly the zodiac animals surround Dani and Roberto.
"Done in by stars", said Dani, "not how I thought I was going to go"
"Now, now, my pets", says Wanda, making them swirl back into the sky, "is this any way to treat a guest?"
"Guests, plural", says Dani.
The sand all flows away, revealing a ruined throne room, a skeleton sitting on the throne.
"O…kay", blinks Roberto, "I'm severely creeped out"
"Bravo", says Wanda, clapping slowly as she steps out of the dust, "No mortal has ever made it to Tartarus before"
She chuckles, sitting on the arm of the throne, looking at the skeleton.
"Alive, that is…", she makes the skeleton vanish, taking it's place on the throne.
"What is it with that family and thrones?", mutters Lance.
"Make yourself at home", smiled Wanda
"Thank you", Roberto chuckles nervously, "Uh…nice place you got here"
"Like it?", asks Wanda, appearing next to them, "I'm planning on doing the whole world this way"
Roberto looks around nervously, then decides it's not a good plan to piss off Wanda.
"Wow, that's a good plan", he says, "Well, I see you're busy, so listen, we'll just take the book of peace and get out of your way"
"What makes you think I have it?", asks Wanda
"Uh, well, you framed me for the theft", says Roberto, "so they would execute me"
"My character just stands here and says nothing, then?", asks Dani.
"Yup, pretty much", nods Lance.
"You?", smirks Wanda
"Yeah", nods Roberto.
Wanda arches a brow, smirking at him. Roberto blinks, realising he has made a rather large boo-boo.
"No…", he frowns, "Sam! You knew he would take my place"
Wanda giggles.
"What a clever little man you are"
"…Little man?", blinks Roberto, "You thought I'd run. Then Sam would die, and Bayville would be…."
"Left without the next rightful king", says Wanda, "and tumble into glorious chaos. You humans are so predictable. Sam couldn't help being ever so noble, and you couldn't help betraying him"
"But I didn't betray Sam", frowns Roberto, "I didn't run away"
"Oh, but you did betray him", says Wanda, looking at Dani, "You stole his only love"
"Pardon?", asks Dani, looking up form a newspaper, "oh, I exist in the same room again? Okay"
"Look at her, Roberto", says Wanda, pushing Dani towards him, "He's not even in his grave yet, and you're moving in on his girl. Face it, your heart is as black as mine"
"You're wrong about him!", snaps Dani
"He knows I'm not", says Wanda
"You don't know what's in his heart", says Dani, "BRING IT!"
"Ladies, no fighting", sighs Lance.
"Oh,. Yes I do", says Wanda, "And more importantly, so does he"
She smirks, going over to Roberto.
"In your heart you know that Sam is going to die, because he saw something in you that just isn't there"
"No", says Roberto, pushing her off.
"You want to bet?", smirks Wanda, "I'll tell you what. Let's play a game, and if you win, I'll give you the book of peace"
Parts of the floor tumble away, so it becomes a narrow ridge to where the book is hovering at the edge.
"There it is, noble hero", says Wanda.
Roberto starts towards it, but Wanda stops him, some of the floor crumbling away.
"Not so fast", she says, "My game has rules, Roberto. I'll ask you a question, one simple question. If you answer truthfully, the book is yours"
"Give me your word", says Roberto
Wanda gives an exasperated sigh.
"You still don't trust me?"
"Uh….no", says Roberto
"Isn't it a pity we live in such sceptical times?", sighs Wanda, doing the cross thing on her heart, "oh, all right, you have my word…as a Goddess. Fair enough?"
Roberto nods, stepping forward.
"Ask your question".
"Excellent", grins Wanda, "Now, we all know what happens if you get the book of peace. You return it to Bayville and save Sam. But if you don't get the book, you have a choice to make. Either sail to paradise with the woman of your dreams, or return to Bayville to die. You're either a thief or a hero"
She smirks.
"So here's my question, Roberto", she says, "If you don't get the book, will you go back to die?"
She vanishes in the wind, leaving Roberto to ponder this question.
"I will go back", he says, walking to the book.
Before he can grab it, the floor shakes.
"You're lying", grins Wanda, appearing behind him.
The floor crumbles away as Roberto and Dani fall, Wanda cackling evilly.
"….Wow, did I pick the wrong twin to continue my evil empire", murmurs Magneto from backstage, "Pietro can't pull that off if he tried"
Roberto and Dani find themselves on a little island in the sea, watching the gates of Tartarus close behind them. A little while later, they are still on their island, sitting together quietly.
"I'm sorry, Dani", says Roberto, "Wanda is right about me"
"No she's not", says Dani, "You answered her question. You told the truth".
"It wasn't the truth", sighs Roberto, "It was me trying to pass myself off as someone I'm not"
"Roberto, I've seen who you are!", snaps Dani, "You don't need to pretend. Wanda trapped you. You should you or Sam or anyone have to die!"
"Dani….", starts Roberto
"No, you need to escape!", says Dani, "Get as far away as you can. I'll go back. I'll explain everything!"
"You couldn't suggest this at the start of the adventure because?…..", says Lance
"No, Dani", sys Roberto.
Dani lets out a sob.
"I can't watch you die", she whimpers, "I love you"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH", sobs Remy backstage
"Oh for the love of…", mutters Lance, "every freakin' time!"
Roberto sees his ship in the distance, sighs and puts a hand on her cheek.
"But could you love a man who would run away?"
They share a hug, the scene moving to Sam, at sunset, on his execution day.
"Well…this sucks", says Sam.
Everyone has gathered to watch Sam die, as apparently, everyone is morbid. Sam kneels by the chopping block, resting his chin on it.
"A'h regret nothing", he says.
Logan looks away as the executioner, Mystique, lifts the axe.
"I get to kill an X-Man", she giggles, "happy day!"
Just before the axe comes down, a knife cuts the blade off the stick, it landing inches in front of Sam's face.
"….Mother", he whimpers.
Roberto and his men climb up the wall, Roberto walking over to Sam.
"I bet you thought I wouldn't make it", grins Roberto, shaking his hand.
"I was..", Sam winces, putting a hand to his neck, "beginning to wonder"
He gives Roberto a random hug, then frowns softly.
"The book?"
Roberto sighs.
"I did my best", he says, "It wasn't enough"
"No", says Sam, "You came back anyway"
"How could I do anything else…my friend?", says Roberto.
"That's beautiful", sniffs Xavier, then hugs Magneto, "You're my best friend, I love you, man!"
"…..Who let Charles get at the scotch again?", asks Magneto, trying to scramble free.
Everyone watches sadly as Roberto goes to the block, resting his chin on it. Mystique now has a nasty looking sword.
"…Break my axe….little snot", she mutters.
Before the sword hits him, it shatters into billions of pieces. The clouds above swirl around, eventually revealing Wanda…who looks pissed.
"How dare you!", she snaps, "Everything was going perfectly, and now you do this!"
She knocks the execution block into the sea.
"Wanda, I don't understand", blinks Roberto, "….don't kill me"
"Don't play coy with me", snaps Wanda, "Maybe you can fool these people, but I know who you are. You're a selfish, unprincipled lair!"
Roberto blinks.
"Wait a minute", he says, smirking, "I didn't lie. I came back. That's why you're here. This was all part of your test. I told the truth"
He grins.
"And wasn't there something about being bound for all eternity?"
Wanda goes to hit him, but the cross over her heart flashes, she scowls, handing him the book.
"Well, well, well", grins Roberto, "This has got to be a little embarrassing for you, Wanda"
"Don't push your luck, Roberto", smirks Wanda, "You're cute, but not that cute. And luck for you, I've got places to go, things to destroy, stuff to steal. Ta"
With that, she vanishes. Roberto grins, opening the book, letting all the good vibes loose in the world again, making it all light and shiny-like. Sam smiles, walking over and helping him up.
"You know, for what it's worth", he chuckles, "I think the council believes you now"
They look over at the frazzled council.
"You think?", smirks Roberto
Roberto walks over to Logan.
"King Logan", he hold the book just out of the runts reach, "Whoa, hey, how much you got on you?"
"I offer yer the gratitude of the Twelve Cities", says Logan, "an' the apology of a king"
"NO, really", says Roberto, "How much?"
"Don't make me kick yer ass", says Logan.
Roberto yelps, giving him the book, Logan walking off, muttering under his breath.
"Come on, this is going to be one heck of a party", grins Sam, "Everyone's going to want to hear about the voyage"
"Fair winds, calm seas", Roberto smirks, "Nothing much to tell"
"What's the matter?", smirks Sam, "No fun if you're actually invited?"
"No, it's just…uh", Roberto shrugs, "There's a hammock in Fiji with my name on it"
They shake hands.
"Good sailing, Roberto", says Sam.
"Get a haircut", says Roberto as he walks off, "You're going to be king someday.
The crew sadly say goodbye to Dani as they follow Roberto away. Sam notices how depressed Dani looks as she weaves away through the crowd. Shortly afterward, he finds her on the balcony we saw them on ages ago.
"Just another uneventful day in Bayville", he says, then glances at her, "You know, a'h stood here with a woman once. She looked over the ocean and wished she could sail beyond the horizon. She saw…such wonder"
"And what happened to this woman?", asks Dani, arching a brow.
"Don't make us tell the whole story again!", snaps Lance, "I'm only contracted to do it once!"
"She got her chance", says Sam, "She sailed she seas, and she fell in love"
Dani blinks at him, surprised, then looks away.
"Sam, I…"
"Dani, follow you're heart", says Sam, "Mine is here in Bayville,. Yours…yours is sailing with the next tide"
"Damnit, you're such a good guy", says Lance.
"Oh, Sam", Dani gives him a hug.
We move to where Roberto and his crew are ready to set sail.
"Captain?", says Piotr, "We're ready to sail"
See, told you.
"All right, Piotr", says Roberto, "Take us out"
"Aye, aye, Captain", says Piotr, "Cast off!"
Roberto is deep in thought as the ship leaves the harbour, a rope dropping and hitting him on the head.
"Oww, Toad!"
"What?", asks Toad, from where he is on the deck of the ship.
"Excuse me, Captain?", shouts Dani from above, "You need to replace these rig joints pretty soon. The mizzen ropes need the support"
Roberto grins happily.
"These joints were form the Jasmine Sea", he says, "That's halfway around the world"
"Then we'd better get started", smirks Dani
Roberto smirks, cutting the tope he's leaning on, sending him up to the crows nest next to Dani.
"Well, you know", he says, "That means going through the Hydra's lair, the Minotaur's haven, The Cyclops' den"
"Pardon?", asks Scott, "I have a den?"
"Shut up, Blinky", says Roberto, "Under the Swansea Bridge"
My friend lives in Swansea. It's in South Wales.
"Though the China seas", continues Roberto, "That's a very long voyage. And it's very, very dangerous"
"Don't worry", smirks Dani, "I'll protect you"
They finally get their kiss.
"GAMBIT LOVE HAPPY EN DINGS!", sobs Gambit.
Rahne sets herself into the catapult, throwing herself at Roberto. Everyone has a giggle as the ship heads off into the sunset.
"Thank Gods that's over", says Lance, "I couldn't take any more nautical terms"
END
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Yes, we're done, we're finished! Hooray! Yes, the next parody has already been planned, expect it soon. Do review. Thanks for reading!