Disclaimer - I don't own the turtles, not from the cartoon, the comics, or the movies - including the new CGI one due out in 2007. This story originated from Stealthy Stories, Media Overload, page 5, when someone asked if the turtles in the new movie are going to have tails. Someone said they weren't, that they didn't notice any in the trailer.
Well, it just so happens that I had done screen to screen captures of the trailer that came out on-line last week and - lo and behold - I found one of the turtles sported a tail! So, I sent the person, who didn't think they'd have tails, the picture. Well, she posted it on SS and then an insanely hilarious discussion ensued, whereupon the plot bunny for this story formed. I blame everyone at Stealthy Stories, too, for how this fic developed. :0)
Enjoy!
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No Butts About It.
by reinbeauchaser
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"Yo, DUDES, GUESS WHAT?" Mikey hollered excitedly.
Raph, who had just finished a workout in the dojo and was now walking through the hallway, came into his brother's room. Leaning against the doorframe, he folded his arms across his chest and asked, "Okay, I'll guess…sixteen."
Mike turned in his chair and gave Raphael a puzzled look, "What - do you mean, sixteen?"
"That's my guess."
"Your - guess?"
"Yeah, you yelled, 'guess what?' so - I guessed."
"But, what does sixteen have to do with anything?" Mikey asked, thoroughly confused.
"It's my standard answer,"
"Since when?"
"Since now."
"But, the 'guess what' has nothing to do with math," Mike tried to explain, impatient.
"Oh, well now you're getting specific." Raph huffed and pushed away from the jamb.
"Are you through?"
"Depends, do you still want me to guess?"
"No. I'll tell you instead."
"Good, cause I hate guessing."
Mike sighed and shook his head, wondering when Raph had learned how to be irritating. Nevertheless, he declared, almost anticlimactically, "Don - hasatail."
Raph stared at his brother for a long, pregnant moment. Then, slowly shaking his head, he remarked, "Should I take out a full-page ad in the newspaper and announce this to the whole world? Of course he has a tail, Mikey, Don's a turtle, for cryin' out loud. You have a tail. I have a tail. Heck, even Leo has a tail, whenever he doesn't have his head up his butt, and we all know that Master Splinteh has a tail. It's no news, Mikey."
"Yeah, but - do any of you have your tail plastered all over the Internet?"
"Say - what?" Raph then noticed Mike was currently sitting at his desk, in front of his PC monitor. There, on the screen, was a very familiar backside. "That's…not - what I think it is, is it?" A slow grin now began growing on Raphael's face.
"Yep," Mike cheered, whirling back around to face his computer again. His smile returning, "and you know as well as I do that Donnie's gonna be as pleased as an Eskimo in the Sahara."
Raph snorted, chuckling, "Where d'ya come up with these similes?" He walked over to Mike's computer, "Still," With his hands resting on top the desk for support, he leaned into the monitor to get a better view. Now his smile grew even wider, "That is indeed Donnie's butt."
"And how would you know one butt from another?"
"Hey, Leo-san," Mike cheered as he swiveled around again to face his bedroom door. Declaring hin his best announcer voice, "Com'on in and see the peep show!"
"Peep show?" Raph and Leo both asked, with Raph's hands still on the desk as he continued to lean into the monitor.
"Yeah," Mike replied, turning now to look at Raph, "aren't you peeping at Donnie's butt?"
Raph stared at Mikey, then at the screen, and quickly straightened up, taking a step back, "Am not."
"You were."
"Were not…I mean, I was NOT!"
By this time, Leo had moved further into the room. The moment he saw Mike's computer screen, though, he exclaimed, and rather surprised, too, "Hey isn't that Donnie's tail?"
"You mean butt, don't you?" Mike wiggled his eye ridges.
"It appears, ladies and gents, that somebody else can recognize butts, too," Raph snickered.
"No, I mean - tail…well…" Leo looked at the screen again, as a slow smile edged its way along his snout, "Yeah, I guess that would include his butt, too." He smirked, until he realized the location of said physical attribute. So, he asked, "Why do you have Donnie's 'butt' as your screen saver." Then, it seemed as if he had a sudden epiphany. "Ew, that's perverted, Mike!"
Raph barked out a laugh.
"It's not a SCREENSAVER!" Mike declared loudly. In fact, he was so loud it caused a certain someone to investigate the reason for his outburst.
"What's going on in here? What screensaver?"
Mike whipped around, eyes wide when he saw his brother in the doorway, "Oh, hi, Don."
All laughing ceased in that moment.
"What's - going on?" Don repeated his question.
Mike quickly stood from his chair, blocking his desk area, hoping his bulk would hide the evidence. He gave a small innocent smile as he chuckled, "Nothing, just - talking…um…computer stuff."
"Computer stuff…you…three?" He gave a little laugh and then Don cocked one eye ridge suspiciously, as he surveyed the room. Don saw Raphael, his eyes big with his face contorting as if he was ready to bust a gut, and then Leo, who had an 'I know nothing' expression plastered on his face. Mike was obviously guilty, that much Don knew. He finally asked, "If it's computer stuff, Mike, then why is Raph turning every shade of red trying not to laugh and why is Leo acting clueless, when we all know he isn't?" Don then addressed Mike and smiled, "And I know you're as guilty as sin, because - well - you're always guilty of something."
"Well, I never!" Mike placed a hand delicately along his plastron, feigning offense, "thank you very much, o' sibling of mine; a brother I thought had a soft spot for the youngest member of the clan." Mike tried to act insulted, his chin quivering, his eyes pooling, as if any moment now he would bust into tears. As he did, he slowly moved his hand behind him, hoping Don wouldn't notice. If luck was on his side, Mike hoped he might be able downsize the picture on his PC screen before his brother saw it - and thereby save his hide.
No such luck, however, since Don was no dummy, as he had seen Mikey move his hand. It was then when he noticed the computer screen. "Say, what's that…on the…" His words trailed off, however, as he walked bewilderedly into the room. As he neared his target and as it came further into view, "Wait…" Don's eyes now grew wide with sudden, sickening realization, "Wait…a darn minute…is…is that….is that my…"
"Butt."
"I was going to say 'tail," Don glared over at Raph.
"But your butt is part of the package, can't deny that." Raph grinned, his body quaking with suppressed giggles.
"I can deny it if I want to," Don insisted, glaring menacingly at his red-banded brother. He saw Mikey quake, then, with his eyes bugging out in trepidation, and as Don looked over at the monitor once more, he sighed, "But, that is my butt. There's my bo, sheathed on my carapace. Yeah, that's me!" He turned to his brother again, confused, "It's me, but it's not me. Why is a representation of my backside showing on your computer screen, Mikey?"
By this time, Raph was almost in hysterics and barely able to stand, as he tried not to laugh. Leo seemed to be edging towards the same level of insanity, as well.
At the same time, Mike nervously tried to move away from his computer desk, but before he could make good his escape, he suddenly found himself in Don's strong grasp. Despite the fact that his brother was more passive about violence, he could be as strong as Raph when he wanted to be.
Then, Mike heard his brother speak and with a tone Don used whenever he was royally pissed.
With slow deliberation, which only made it sound more ominous, Don asked, "Why - do you have - a picture - of my TAIL on your computer?"
"Butt." Leo and Raph both chorused together.
"WHATEVER!" Don snapped at the two. He returned to stare at his now shivering youngest brother again, whom he still had in hand. "Well, Mikey? Why is my tail on your computer screen?" Donatello smiled, now, and - for his youngest brother - it wasn't a good sign; no, not at all!
With a trembling voice, Mikey gulped as he replied, "Just is."
"Just - is?" Don gave a low chuckle and one that implied he wasn't the least bit amused. He turned to stare at the screen again, "My tail just happened to pop up on the screen?"
"Well, not exactly…" Mike explained weakly.
"Explain, then - exactly!"
"Well, ya see, you know that movie they're making about us?"
"Yes, I know, the CGI one."
"Well, it seems there's this discussion on one of those Internet sites about us, and someone asked if the CGI caricatures of us would have tails."
"You…participated in that discussion?" Don was incredulous, "Mike, you know better than to do that!"
"I didn't, well, not exactly…"
"What did you do - exactly?" Don grounded out between clenched teeth. He now took deep, even breaths, trying to calm himself down.
"Well, I was curious, so…I…sort of watched the trailer they have on-line and…"
"Hey, the trailer's up already?" Raph interrupted, a big grin on his face, "I've been looking forward to seeing that!"
"Me, too. I wonder if they did me justice," Leo remarked, wistful, and then asked excitedly. "Mikey, bring up the trailer."
Mike was more than willing to cooperate, too, only Don still had a hold of his arm and it didn't look as if he was going to let him loose anytime soon.
"MIKE!" Don exclaimed, silencing his other brothers' query. Now, with slow, dangerous inflections, he growled, "How - did my TAIL - get on the SCREEN?"
Mike, realizing there wasn't any escape, rushed his reply, "Well, I was already doing screen captures of the trailer. I wanted to be helpful so I went through what I already had and…and well…I…I found your…butt." Mike suddenly changed his whimper to something more upbeat, now, "You have to admit, bro, they tried to be more realistic this time!" Mikey grinned wide, hopeful.
"I'd prefer they exclude some realism," Don grumped as he glanced back at the screen again. Then, it suddenly occurred to him. With an expression just short of wild and panicky, he turned on Mikey, snout to snout, "TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SHARE THAT WITH THIS…THIS FORUM…OR WHATEVER THE BLAZES IT IS?"
A small voice escaped Mike's terrified face, "Okay, I didn't share it."
Don pursed his lips, not sure whether to believe Mike, given the nature of his youngest brother. He then narrowed his eyes and softened his voice - barely, "Are you telling me this because it's what you think I want to hear, or are you telling me this because it's the truth?" Don raised one eye-ridge and scowled at Mike.
Smiling a little, Mikey asked, "Which one will guarantee I live long enough to see dinner?"
"GAH, I can't believe you shared that on the Internet. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, Mike?" Don now took deep, heaving breaths and his eyes went slightly wider than normal. Then, in the last moment before insanity took hold, he released Michelangelo and stormed out of the bedroom. All three brothers could now hear Don muttering under his breath as he marched through the lair, "April better not know about this, Casey, too, or I'm never going to show my face ever again to anyone - not ever."
"Or his butt, it seems." Leo snickered.
"Yep, as happy as an Eskimo in th' desert!" Raph deadpanned, smiling.
"Should I tell him the forum didn't think it was that important?" Mike weakly asked.
Leonardo laughed, "Only if you don't want to live to see dinner, Mikey."