Part 9

Beka approached with caution seeing Doyle stood looking out towards the stars on the obs deck and she was a little hesitant about disturbing her.

"Beka," Doyle broke the silence.

"Hey, I heard Dylan found you and persuaded you to come back," Beka offered.

"I needed some time alone," Doyle spoke evenly.

"I was worried, three weeks and we didn't hear anything," Beka frowned.

Doyle turned to her. "I am quite able to look after myself," she stated.

"I know, but friends have rights to worry," Beka partly grinned. "Are you ok? When I couldn't find you after the caves, I just felt awful, you shouldn't have disappeared like that, not after finding out what you did."

"You suspected, right?" Doyle asked, her eyes remaining locked on the stars outside.

"A little, some of the things you did," Beka sighed. "It just reminded me of Rommie, but I never thought, you know when nothing was said, I wouldn't have guessed."

"Am I Rommie?" Doyle asked turning to Beka.

"I don't know, some of what you do reminds me of her but you seem very different in a lot of ways," Beka offered. "I guess we'll never know."

"You think Harper is dead?"

"The renegades have been disbanded and they had no prisoners," Beka looked away from Doyle, and out to the stars. "No one has seen him, there's been nothing, no one knows where he is, we just don't know."

Doyle seemed upset by the news. "Dylan told me the same, I find it hard to believe that in the time I was away he wasn't found," she admitted. "People don't just disappear, not even dead ones," she noted.

"I haven't given up on him," Beka then sounded more positive. "He's a survivor, he'll turn up when you least expect it," she smiled. "At least that's been his forte since I've known him."

Doyle moved away and looked around the observation deck. "All of this, it seems so familiar," she motioned.

"Maybe inside you do have a small piece or essence of Rommie," Beka suggested distantly. "Harper could be an old romantic when he wanted to be, silly fool, sometimes could do the sweetest things out of nothing but nostalgia."

Doyle continued to walk slowly around the deck, taking in the surroundings and sensations of being onboard and missed Beka struggling with her emotions, until she heard a stifled sob.

"Beka?" Doyle checked, and moved to her friend's side.

"Ignore me," Beka dismissed and tried to hide her face from Doyle's prying eyes.

"The not knowing is our true pain," Doyle stated, comforting Beka but not crowding her, it was clear Beka wanted space as she moved away.

"I keep thinking if he's not dead, then why isn't he here? And then I think maybe its not possible, maybe he's hurt or something," Beka stressed and fought with her emotions, as she now paced the deck trying to get control. "Why didn't I do something sooner, why did I let this situation happen? Last time I thought I'd lost Harper I promised myself I'd never let him be taken from me, and now here I am," she exclaimed.

"Beka, this isn't your fault," Doyle took care to point out. "Harper chose to stay with Marika when he had the opportunity to leave, so this is his doing no one elses."

"Harper needs me, Doyle, ever since I took him from Earth," Beka returned. "We're a team, we stick together but I forgot that, we both did and look at us!" Beka frowned. "I don't understand why I said the things that I said, why I acted like I did but I was so mad at him, and I needed to hate him and I needed him to know I was mad at him, but now," Beka looked around with despair. "Now, I don't know what I'm going to do without him," Beka took a deep breath. "Man, listen to me, I sound like he's my reason for living!" she stressed mockingly. "I just feel cheated, and a part of me keeps saying that I had my chance to say what I needed to say, but I chose to push him away instead, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself if that's the case," Beka turned away from Doyle, clearly upset.

"When I first met you I found it hard to believe that you would even look at Harper without a snarl," Doyle admitted softly. "I couldn't understand how the two of you had been friends, but I see it now," Doyle partly smiled. "I see it all too clearly and I know now," her expression changed to a darker one. "Harper becomes such a part of your life, he burrows himself deep inside of you by being so dependable and so needy. He has it down to a fine art that he almost becomes like an extra limb and so when he does something that goes against everything you believe in, and he knows full well what he is doing, it hurts us more than it could ever hurt him. It hurts more than anything in this universe to then try and remove him from your life."

They both stared at each other for a moment, before Beka spoke up. "I can't ever forgive Harper for what he did to Rommie, and now for what he did to you," Beka admitted coldly. "But I still love him, and I know he is not a bad person, so I don't ever want to harm him or cause him extra pain, he's had enough of that to last at least three lifetimes already," Beka frowned. "I just want to help him, he needs us Doyle because the signs are not good," she sighed. "Harper managed to survive twenty years in a hell hole when he thought the whole universe was against him, when he had nothing, but now," Beka paused. "The evidence of what he's already done in the name of surviving in this system is enough that we should be very worried, we have to help him before he's beyond helping."

"This is exactly what I was saying," Doyle returned. "He has you pitying him, rather than hating him, you want to help him when he has victims in greater need of help. He programmed that into my subconscious but I can not see how he has managed to program you too," Doyle questioned.

"It's not a program, Doyle," Beka snapped. "I don't think Harper does it purposely, it's just the way he is, he's just not like us, and he never can be," Beka sighed. "He is capable of bad things, I'm not denying that, and I want to prevent more victims and that's why I chose to help Harper, because as I said before he is not a bad person but sometimes that fine line is less clear to him," Beka stressed, seeing Doyle struggling to appreciate her words. "He just needs guidance and a voice of reason to stop him getting carried away. Inside of him is a highly trained survivor's instinct, strength we can't begin to imagine, but it only has one place and that's on Earth. I've seen him through some rough times, Doyle, things you couldn't imagine, and each time it has failed to break him. Harper is a natural genius, an amazing person but he has the potential, strength and above all every god damn reason to one day tell this universe where to go and I seriously never want to see that, Harper is not 'that' person but he can be if we don't help him."

Doyle considered Beka's words for a moment. "He could also already be dead."

"He's not dead until I say he's dead," Beka stated firmly.

"Then you have to find him," Doyle spoke. "I'm not sure I can help you."

Beka looked at Doyle closely. "Doyle, I need your help on this, Dylan and the others are too wrapped up in finding power for this thing," she gestured to the ship. "I can't find Harper on my own, look I know you have issues but you must understand that you probably need to find Harper more than I, you have questions no one else but he can answer."

Doyle's stare grew hard. "He lied to me from day one, he made me believe I was human and all the time he knew I wasn't," Doyle stressed, her anger showing. "He built me, programmed me, do you know what it feels like to know that all the thoughts, that I thought were mine, were actually his?"

"Doyle, you've evolved from Harper's programming, you can't think like that, your thoughts are you own," Beka assured her.

"How can you be so sure?" Doyle asked. "I always thought my instinct to protect Harper was my own developed through trust and friendship but to discover that I was simply following a set of instructions he put inside me?" Doyle's anger was clear in her features. "He controlled me, Beka, he used me to protect him, to help him in his ill gotten gains and Marika knew that I wasn't real, she knew and I didn't!"

"Doyle, I," Beka attempted to speak but she couldn't find the words.

"What else didn't I know?" Doyle asked. "What else did he do," she continued with suggestion.

"Harper is many things, Doyle, but he's not," Beka was interrupted again.

"I don't want to even think about this anymore," Doyle stressed. "But I can't promise you, Beka, despite all the love I have for Harper, that still I'm not sure how much is actually genuine, that the next time I see him I won't kill him the first chance I get for what he's done to me."

"Kill?" Beka stood stock still with the revelation. "Doyle, you can't say that."

"He gave me life, the one thing I am grateful to him for, but he gave me the ability to take life, and that is his mistake," Doyle warned.

"Whoa, back up," Beka stressed.

"You described Harper as a petty thief and murderer," Doyle reminded her. "I know exactly how many deaths are on Harper's hands alone in this system but I won't lower myself to his level to tell you the exact figure, but I have helped him cover them up and in some cases I even caused them on his wishes. I would have no problem with giving Harper a dose of his own medicine."

"You won't be able to kill him, Doyle," Beka spoke calmly.

"Because he'd of programmed a failsafe?" Doyle mocked.

"Because he's a friend, Doyle, and maybe you're not remembering the good stuff right now but I'm sure he didn't change all that much, you still love him," Beka stated.

"It's not love I feel, it's bytes of program he put inside me," Doyle returned coldly.

"Those bytes of program are what you are, Doyle, as was Rommie, so it doesn't make you any different to her, and Harper adored and loved Rommie as I'm sure he does you, you know how much it hurt him to lose Rommie," Beka said with care. "Doyle, before we helped overthrow them, what was the main no no in this system?"

Doyle sighed. "Tech."

"So why was Harper so bad and nasty to hide your true self, your android self from them, if he'd have gone around announcing you as his new android would either of you have survived that first day?" Beka challenged.

"No, if he was protecting me then why keep it even from me, why make me believe I'm something I'm not, and why did Marika know?" Doyle returned.

"We won't know until one thing happens," Beka frowned.

"We find Harper, yet it's the last thing I want to do because I don't know how I'll react," Doyle admitted. "Right now I don't know what to think, or if these thoughts are even my own," Doyle moved away still troubled.

"I know what it feels like to be disappointed by Harper, but I will not have you threatening his life should I find him," Beka warned.

Doyle took a moment to look at Beka. "He hasn't programmed you, or dictated how you should feel, so why do you care about him?"

Beka considered the question, knowing she couldn't flippantly dismiss the question Doyle was asking. "This could take some explaining," Beka shrugged, and saw that Doyle was in no hurry. "You know, during the past couple of years I have been struggling to understand my feelings towards Harper."

"You love him?" Doyle asked.

"Yeah, but no, it's complicated," Beka attempted to answer. "A few years ago he was my crew, and that without fail guaranteed that he was important to me, like family I looked out for him," Beka continued. "No one messed with my crew, but he was different, he came from a bad place and we had to learn to live with each other."

"Earth, he told me very little about his home other than brief descriptions of the nightmares," Doyle remembered.

"He was just a kid, at least that's what I thought when I first saw him and Bobby beat him around the Maru," Beka sighed. "But he brought this energy that I can't explain, and I didn't have the heart to dump him at the next drift even though he had a lot to learn, a hell of a lot."

"So you kept him on board out of pity?" Doyle checked.

"Maybe, he deserved a break and he was a good worker," Beka stated. "Those first few months all he could really do was watch and learn, scrub the decks and do all the jobs no one else could be bothered to do," Beka lightly laughed now as she remembered. "He'd complain to high heaven and never shut up, but he did a good job. He was a quick learner and he fitted in, even overcoming a fear of Magog to work alongside one."

"He did tell me that once he got the data port fitted, that he finally became the person he always knew he could be," Doyle remembered now.

"I tried to talk him out of it," Beka frowned. "But it was important to him, and when we lost Vex Pag, we needed Harper to step up a level just to keep the ship running and he did that, and more," Beka stated with some pride in her voice. "That's when I realised I needed to look after him, that he was special and a gift, may sound corny but he gave me hope after I split from Bobby, and after Vex Pag's death he kept things going, where I might have lost everything without him. As much as he depended on me for the ride and board, I started to depend on him to keep me and my ship going."

"He gave Marika hope, kept her vision alive," Doyle idly remarked. "He made me feel special and a part of something good," she added. "But it was all a lie."

"Doyle, you can't compare these things," Beka stated firmly. "When we joined the Andromeda and Harper became more Dylan's crew than my own, I realised Harper meant more to me than I realised, as a person, not as a crew mate, he was my friend and over time I realised he was my soul mate."

"Soul mate?" Doyle questioned.

"Yeah, and he doesn't even know it," Beka had sadness in her expression now. "I've never told him, and he doesn't know how I feel about him."

"Before I knew the truth, I would have said Harper was my soul mate," Doyle considered. "He always had the right words, would always listen to my concerns and problems, and he did anything he could to ensure I was happy."

"Sounds like the Harper he doesn't like people to see too often," Beka smiled fondly. "Harper's softer side; the side that cares and has feelings."

"I used to wonder if the feelings I had for him were romantic, or love," Doyle frowned, knowing now that it was not her own will that prompted those feelings. "I used to consider taking things further, encouraging his come ons but each time I would tell myself no, because I didn't want to ruin what I had with him."

"If Harper was truly a bad person would you have even been able to have that free will or free thought not to respond to him?" Beka now questioned. "If he was badly treating you, wouldn't he have set it up that you wouldn't even have the chance to consider that?"

Doyle looked down for a moment as she considered her response, a small hint that finally Beka's words were getting through. "Right this minute, I can't be sure he didn't and I just don't know," she admitted and saw the flash of frustration in Beka's expression.

"There was this time," Beka quietly spoke. "Lasted quite a few months, when I toyed with the feelings I felt for Harper, wondering if maybe I was missing something between us, something special," Beka avoided Doyle's stare now. "It all started when I accidentally kissed him thinking he was someone else."

"He freaked out, he told me," Doyle offered.

"He told you?" Beka showed her confusion.

"He was drunk one night, feeling sorry for himself," Doyle explained. "Started telling me about this time when he was trapped on the Maru, dead in space, he was injured and you were ill and then you went crazy on him and tried to make out with him," Doyle smiled now.

"I thought you said he hardly mentioned me," Beka now asked.

"He didn't, hardly, but a couple of times he did," Doyle returned.

Beka looked away. "Over the next few months I was just so confused, but we continued to tease each other, and I liked it, but just the tease," she admitted. "I mean I love Harper but it just never felt quite there, I could never take it further beyond the stolen teasing kisses or remarks," she tried to explain. "But then he would get hurt or ill, and things would happen that would make me feel it more than ever before and I could only put it down to love, but not love, and it nearly drove me insane," Beka stressed, then looked at Doyle. "There was this one guy that hurt Harper pretty bad just after I started thinking about Harper in that way, and then he came back into our lives and hurt him again, but even worse."

"Tyrone," Doyle recalled.

"He told you that too?" Beka sounded angry now.

"Not so much, Marika liked to strike him too, he told me about Tyrone and how it seemed he was destined for such treatment," Doyle shrugged.

"Oh no," Beka seemed troubled by the news, she had not considered that when she was told that Marika liked to torture, that she also liked to do Tyrone's speciality. "I swear if one more person hits Seamus, makes him think that ever again, they will pay dearly and I won't be responsible for my actions," Beka snapped.

"That person may be me," Doyle stated.

"Then consider yourself warned because I swear," Beka threatened coldly.

"Do you think Harper feels the same way for you, as you do for him?" Doyle simply responded. "That you would threaten another life to revenge his pain?"

"He doesn't need to, and he doesn't need to know the lengths I'm prepared to go to in order to keep him safe," Beka paced the deck now with controlled fury.

"To keep safe the same guy who tormented your friend, Rommie, and lied to me," Doyle reminded her.

"You may have issues with Harper right now, but don't you dare tell me what I should be thinking or feeling when it comes to him," Beka stressed. "He has saved my life enough times, has been more of a brother to me than my own useless one, that I would kill again in order to make sure he gets the life he deserves."

"Kill again?" Doyle checked.

"You never asked what happened to Tyrone, and I'm not going to tell you, not whilst you still make veiled threats against Harper," Beka made to move but Doyle grabbed her arm, preventing her.

"I fear your loyalty to Harper is clouding your judgement right now, but I am not the enemy here, I am the victim," Doyle stated calmly, and Beka took a deep breath to mentally calm down.

"I'm sorry, and you're right, don't think I don't know that," Beka acknowledged with some consideration. "Harper does this to me, and I can't explain it."

"I can, its love, the kind that never dies," Doyle smiled. "I feel it too, even against my better judgement, if it is mine in the first place."

"You know what you have to do Doyle?" Beka then noted. "Start believing in yourself again. Stop analysing your every move and trust your own thoughts."

"Even if they are not my own?"

"If they are inside your head, they are your own, nothing has changed," Beka moved away from Doyle's grip. "I have some thinking of my own to do now. All of my motivations are pointless if I can't find Harper, and if I have to do it alone I need to get focused and into the right frame of mind."

"Don't put him so high up on a pedestal that you can't touch him," Doyle suggested.

Beka smirked. "Now I know that was your own thought, because I know for a fact Harper wouldn't have advised that, he'd be all for that high pedestal."

Doyle found a laugh, but said nothing as she watched Beka turn and leave, knowing they both had some thinking to do.

TBC