Eiram shook her head sharply. She must have been asleep on her feet or something. Certainly she felt very odd, as though someone else had been controlling her. She did vaguely recall having seen Virgin Suicides, however, and also The Faculty, though she would not have actually recalled having seen them at all on her own.

Very strange, but what wasn't anymore? And when oh when would she ever be able to sleep?

She shook her head again and looked around to get her bearings. She wished she hadn't.

"What," she began, to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, "are you doing here?"

The three exchanged glances. They did that a lot, she noticed. "Well," Hermione spoke up, "we thought--"

"Never mind," said Eiram. "Please just go back to Gryffindor Tower. Now."

"But--" said Harry.

"No."

"But--" said Ron.

"Not that either."

"But--" said Hermione.

Eiram pointed.

"Bloody hell," said Ron. "How are you supposed to argue when she knows what you're going to say before you say it?"

"One minute," Eiram said.

The three turned back, hopefully.

"Take Hajile with you."

"Okay!" said Hermione, her eyes aglow.

"But--" said Hajile.

"You have a tangled-enough web already," said Eiram.

"But--" said Josh.

"You're not even here," said Eiram, and he vanished into thin air.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hajile stared for a few seconds at the place where Josh had been a moment before. Then they ran like hell. Eiram had only banished him to his dormitory, of course, but it had gotten rid of the Golden Trio Plus One, anyway. The Second Author would have killed her if she had cast him out of the story altogether.

"I will have you know, Professor Mudblood--" said Draco.

"I don't give a barking damn on a broomstick," said Eiram.

"Oh yeah?" said Draco, thrusting out his chest. "Say that to me now!" He yanked up his left sleeve, exposing a brand shaped like a skull with a snake slithering out of its mouth.

Ah the Dark Mark. Twiggy had one, too.

Eiram stepped very close to Draco and looked straight down at him. This was a laudable effect, really, as he was taller than she was. "I am certain you heard me," she said sweetly.

Draco's Dark Mark had suddenly sprouted a bag of Wavy Lays and a heart with a banner through it reading, Potatoe!

Draco screamed like a girl and dashed to the furthest corner of the chamber.

"So," Eiram said pleasantly. "I am Professor Dumbledore. I'm your new Head of House."

The Slytherins collectively gasped. Except for Mr. Melon. Mr. Melon clapped.

"For those of you who might have missed it," she continued, "I am also the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Presumably you all have a much better idea where my office is than I do, so, should you need to find me, you should probably do it either before or after class, or at mealtimes."

"Yay!" said Mr. Melon.

"Well, then," she said. "It's lovely to meet you, and I look forward to getting to know you all better. Oh--" she added, looking directly at Ybbuh, "I expect all of you to stay away from Gryffindor Tower in future. And any other dormitories that aren't this one." She smiled gently and left.

---------

Twiggy was waiting for her outside. So was Diogenes.