Chapter two
NARRATOR: (and yes, I made the narrator magically appear in this chapter because I was too dumb too think of it before. And YES, I can do that, and that was uncalled for)
Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Great Hall eating breakfast, refusing the great call of life and the opportunity to do bigger and better things because they're lazy. The owls arrive with letters and that kinda crap. One particularly FAT barn owl drops a copy of the Daily Prophet in front of Hermione.
HERMIONE: (readin the newspaper, well, DUH) Oh, thas too bad
RON: What? Another killing
HERMIONE: No, You-Know-Who sent five muggles, a dog and a pile of chocolate to Antarctica A/N: I don't remember if she's not a coward and if she can actually say Voldemort, but let's pretend that she is a coward.)
RON: Homer Simpson and that donut thing he does) Mmm...chocolate...gurgles)
HARRY: What else does it say, Hermione?
HERMIONE: The muggles names are Erik, Christine Daae, Raoul de Chagney, Meg Giry and La Carlotta Guidicelli. Apparently, they were all just talking, and You-Know-Who came out of nowhere...
HARRY: Erik? Christine Daae? I think I've heard of them somewhere...
RON: Oh, Harry, who gives a damn? Here, Hermione, get into more detail about the chocolate...
HARRY: Ron, I think they were from this incident called the Phantom of the Opera. The Dursleys enjoy watching the broadway...
HERMIONE: Too bad the Ministry's not doing anything about it...
RON: They aren't
HERMIONE: No, they say it's all rubbish, helping muggles. All the other muggles don't know how they disappeared, no one witnessed it. If they bring them back, they'll tell everyone that a wizard sent them there, and then they'll all be searching for us
HARRY: looks over at Ron, who is gurgling randomly) Why don't they just use a memory charm? I can't remember if that's what it's called, and I'm too lazy to check the books, so we'll just go with what I wrote, then, shall we?)
HERMIONE: shrugs
RON: snapping out of his gurgling frenzy) Hey, I know? How 'bout we go to Antarctica and bring them back, then use the memory charm on them ourselves?
HARRY: Then we'll be heroes!
RON: Then we'll be famous!
HARRY: I've always wanted to be famous!
BOTH: (breaks into song randomly, and I don't know what song, just a song that would go well with the situation)
HERMIONE: HARRY! RON! Thas ridiculous!
RON: We learned that spell that makes able to go places, or at least you did A/N: yes, I know there probably isn't any spell like that, and even if there was, sixth-years wouldn't know it. But forget about that little unimportant fact!)
HARRY: Come on, Hermione! We can't let those poor muggles freeze to death, can we?
HERMIONE: Technically, we can...
RON: We'll just be there for what, an hour at the most. Bring them back to wherever they came from and get on with our lives
HERMIONE: Well...Mayb-
HARRY/RON: YAAAAAY! they start to do the chicken dance)
I don't wanna be a chicken
I don't wanna be a duck
So I shake my butt
Wa wa wa wa
I don't wanna be a chicken...
HERMIONE: Just in case we should pack sweaters and food and blankets and stuff
RON: Okay, ONWARD HO!
(they all run up to the Griffindor common room, packing crap. They meet and exit the Hogwarts grounds, somehow. Magically! And in this story, magic isn't just an excuse, since they ARE magic... Anyway, Hermione uses that one spell on them, and they are sent to Antarctica)
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NARRATOR: We now once again join our humble little idiots Erik and friends, who are looking around wildly and freezing their asses off. Everyone, or mostly everyone is trying to find a logical explanation to what happened, while Carlotta is attempting to fight with Christine and Raoul sliding on his back, so actually most of them are dong nuttin
CARLOTTA: Tees ees all ur fault! 'Oo 'ired tat man-
CHRISTINE: If I hired him, then why would I want him to send me here, too?
CARLOTTA:...
CHRISTINE:...
RAOUL: sliding towards them) Christine, can you give me a break
CHRISTINE: Get it yourself you lazy ass
RAOUL: Ooh, this kitty's got claws
CHRISTINE: Steps on Raoul's face)
RAOUL: Waaaaaaaaa...Christine, no owie! No owie! slides away
ERIK: Okay, that man must've tries to explain complicated and elaborate plan to Meg, who just stares at him dreamily) So, in other words, I think he-WILL YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? NEXT TIME YOU DO, I WILL HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH THIS PIECE OF ICE! Meg still stares at him like that) Okay, thas it!
(he gets up and chases Meg with the big block of ice but trips over Raoul)
ERIK: arghh...FOP!
RAOUL: Yeeeeeeeessss?
ERIK: You idiot... mumble mumble...wish had...mumble...punjab lasso...
RAOUL: Oh no, you di' 'en!
ERIK: HOW AM I ALWAYS DOOMED TO SPEND A LIFETIME WITH THESE IDIOTS?
MEG: (screams)
RAOUL: What... Is he here-The Phantom of the Opera?
MEG: Well, yes but thas not why I screamed
CHRISTINE: Then why did you scream
MEG: That she points to three teenagers )
CARLOTTA: 'Ee're saved! they all run towards them)
RON: seeing the weird old fashioned looking people running towards them) Bloody hell...
ERIK: Oh thank God, did you come here to save me? I've been stuck with them, and I don't know how much longer I can take this...
RAOUL: taking Hermione's wand) Ooh, a toothpick! Wait, no it's too big He snaps it in half)
HERMIONE: NOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOO!...
CHRISTINE: What it was just an oversized toothpick
RON: You idiot, that was our only way to get back!
RAOUL: A toothpick?
HARRY: It wasn't a toothpick!
RAOUL: pouts and folds his arms) well, then what was it?
HERMIONE: It was my wand!
MEG: Your wand? What do you need a wand for
RON: To do magic THEENGS!
RAOUL: Magic? Christine, I wanna do magic theengs now!
CARLOTTA: Mageek?
RON/HERMIONE/HARRY: YES, MAGIC!
CHRISTINE: Everyone knows magic doesn't exist
RON: Yes it does you stupid woman!
CHRISTINE:...
HERMIONE: What he meant to say is, you're-
RON: A stupid git
HERMIONE:NO, you're something we call a non-magical human, a muggle. We are wizards and witches, and we can do magic, but we are just learning how. Wizards and Witches try to exclude themselves from muggles, because in the past they have had bad experiences with them. So Muggles have all forgotten that we exist, and thas how we prefer it...
CHRISTINE: laffs) You kids are crazy!
RON: grabs Christine and shakes her) GET IT IN YOUR THICK HEAD! MAGIC DOES EXIST AND WE ARE FULL OF IT! YOU ARE THE CRAZY ONE, NOT US, AND WE'RE HERE TO SAVE YOU!
MEG: quietly) How will you do that?
HARRY: We have wands too you know
HERMIONE: Yes, but you don't know any good spells do you?
RON: Great, we're stuck in Antarctica!
RAOUL: Quickly, we must reproduce!
ALL: (except Raoul and Erik): WHAT?
ERIK: I call Christine...
CHRISTINE: (blushes)...
RAOUL: Not fair! Then I want the girl with the puffy hair...
HERMIONE: I'm too young!
RAOUL: Fine then, all four of us men can share Christine and Meg!
CARLOTTA: Uat about me?
RAOUL: Oh, you're still here
CARLOTTA: Und what's tat supposed to meen
RAOUL: tunin out) ummmmmmmm...
CHRISTINE: Means your hideous
CARLOTTA: Me? Non! Ur eedious
CHRISTINE: sarcastically) yeah, I'm the ugly one...
RAOUL: The Simpsons, Itchy and Scratchy) They fight...
ERIK: joining in) They bite..
BOTH: They fight,
They bite,
They fight...
RAOUL: Fight, fight, fight...
ERIK: Bite, bite, bite...
BOTH: La Carlotta and Christine Daae!
HARRY: ummmmmmmm...kay...
MEG: Um, as long as we're all stuck together and still alive, maybe we should, y'know, get to know each other?
HERMIONE: Yea, probably
NARRATOR: And they all just stood there, staring at each other. And there was an awkward silence...
RON: Well, who's gonna start then?
RAOUL: Ohh, ohh, me me! waves his hand anxiously in the air)
HARRY: Okay then
RAOUL: I am Raoul Vicomte de Chagney, and I am married to Christine!
RON: So your name's Roll...
RAOUL: No, Raoul
HERMIONE: Ra-uul?
RAOUL: NO, IT'S-
ERIK: Just call him Fop
RAOUL: sits down and pouts)