Hi again everyone! I made it to 100 reviews! WOOHOO! Party:P virtual party! hehehe
Okay well, as you should all take notice this is a two part chapter…and the second part is better in my opinion…Well anyways onto the disclaimer!
Me. No. Own. Beyblade. Just plot and charries that…I own.
Chapter 7 - What is the world coming to? - Part one.
-insert lyrics- fourth verse sixth line to the the fifth verse, first line. lol.
Solitaire, the game which I happen to be playing right now, is very such like my life. Played alone, hence the name, more frustrating then fun, and I can never win. Eight games...and one win...but technically without cheating...zero wins. -.-
Okay, so last time we spoke, I sucked right? Well not much has changed. I don't think you can grow out of sucky-ness in just one day. Not that I could even if I was given ten million days.
I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself...It's more annoying then anything...I annoy myself... Wonderful, if I can't even stand myself...who can?
So today's Sunday... now most normal teens my age would be... at the mall...Seeing a movie...Hanging out with their friends...or something like that. But because I am me, not normal, hate malls, dislike the noisy-popcorn-throwing people at the movie theaters, and have no friends, can you guess what I've done every Sunday since...ummm...I'd say the fifth grade?
Clean.
No, you aren't going crazy. You read it right, clean. Not because I like to, not because I obsess over the cleanliness of the house or whatever, simply 'cause it occupies the time. It makes me feel at least a little useful, like if I don't do it no one else will so I'm helpful and needed and they won't trade me away the moment they get the chance. Though most people in this house don't even notice that I clean and mess the whole place up the second they enter the house but whatever, occupies the time. If I keep busy my thought won't drift to the more negative aspects of life. So basically I do it cause I feel down and as I said I've been doing this since the fifth grade... really tells you something about me, doesn't it?
But on a slightly lighter topic...I will never take the bus ever again in my life! Crowed, hot, sweaty people. Can you say, ew? On the way back, the bus was totally crammed. Blue hair mumbled something about rush hour. I was squashed against a bunch of random people and when the bus stops or starts again everyone pushes on you or falls on you, or more embarrassingly you fall on some stranger, which I did multiple times. Very bad experience. I'll stick to walking thank you very much...or that plan to steal that car, if I ever figure out how to hot wire one.
Okay, cleaning done, washroom, living room, kitchen, hallways, stairs, my room, everyone's room, doooone! Dishes washed, floors shiny, laundry clean and folded, rice cooking...though I think I put in too much water...so it'd be more like soup when it's done. Little late to fix it now.
I think I did a fine job, if I do say so myself. I think I may be a decent maid when I grow up. I'll put it in my list of options for the future that I may actually be able to accomplish, right under hobo begging for money on the streets and right before garbage-picker-upper. Greeeeeat.
Grocery shopping comes after this, once a week the fridge need to be refilled and I'm the woman to do it. Can you imagine the amount of food I carry home every Sunday? It has to be enough for eight people and Tyson! Most of which are going through puberty, growing, and eat none-stop, I swear. So I actually need enough food to feed twenty. Good thing I don't use my money to buy this stuff, 'cause I'd never have enough. Parent's credit cards are very useful.
I basically have a routine for my Sundays and I follow it to a T every single week, no exceptions. I even clean the house in a certain order. Start in the kitchen, far left corner and work my way out, to the den, the living room, laundry room, then the hallway thing. Clean the stairs then work through the rooms till I get to the washroom, which is the last and most disgusting place. All that takes me quite awhile from about when I wake up, and find everyone already gone, till three-ish. So that's done, check.
Second grocery shopping. All the time it takes me to go through the whole store and find everything I need then the time it takes me to haul it all home. Around two hours, so usually I'm home by six-ish. Put all the junk away, it's around six thirty now.
Thirdly take the shower before people get home and it gets messed up though most of the time I don't make it before others mess it up.
And lastly, try to finish any homework I hadn't finished the nights before which is usually all of it 'cause I don't get any of it. So I keep putting it off till the very last moment. Procrastination, great, no?
One fourth done my day. Excellent! Can you just feel the sarcasm in my words?
When you routine life as I do...everything is just so boring. Nothing new...nothing exciting...just dull. Sometimes just thinking about the nothingness that I have coming each day makes me tired and then I just really don't want to get out of bed. It makes me just want to crawl up in a ball and die. I seem to have so little energy lately... I've lost all interest in things I once loved and I don't know why. I have zero attention span. Even in class, I've always found it hard to concentrate but now it seems to be twice as hard to just keep my eyes open.I daydream so much but when night comes I can't sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and can never seem to fall back asleep.
I think I broke my back...well more so then yesterday. This load of food just gets heavier every week. I need to get myself a good chiropractor, for the years of back problems I have coming.
You know what's fun? Dropping the shopping bags filled with food and have stuff roll out of the bag and you have to go around chasing them looking like a real freak. It's especially fun, when one of those bags just happens to be carrying eggs. I must have done that at least a dozen times on the way back. Wonderfully entertaining, don'tcha think? The weather was totally scheming against me today, but then again I think that about everything and everyone. But really the wind nearly blew me away! Too many bags! Too many stupid bags that I tripped over...several times! How?...I just did, don't question my immense idiocy, kay?
I can't wait till it's finally summertime and it nice and hot out and not such a struggle to get around. Of coarse I'll have to live through winter first, where it's too cold to so much as step outside without wearing at the least ten layers. Funny thing is when it's winter I wish summer would just come and when it's summer I wish for winter. It's just not possible to please me, I'm too screwed in the head. (It's fall)
Three forth of my day done. Everyone's home excluding parents...but including Bluey. I found some of his clothes jammed under the couch and chairs which officially means he lives here, or basically... how or why they were there? I don't know and don't really want to ever find out, but that's exactly how it started with Tyson. I started finding his clothes and stuff scattered around the house and now I don't even think Tyson goes home, maybe once every couple of weeks... if I'm lucky.
Seven, twelve...seven thirteen...seven fourteen... Wow...time sure flies fast when you're doing nothing. Procrastinating actually, if that counts as doing something. Just thinking about homework makes my head hurt, also makes me worry 'cause I know I won't be able to do it right or at all.
Sigh. You know, sometimes I wished that someone would just notice I'm miserable and ask what's wrong. I mean is it so hard? Two words would make me feel so much better. Two simple words. Okay...so those words won't fix the world and all but it's just nice to be asked...it's just nice to have some sort of reassurance that someone out there may just somewhat give damn about me. That someone will care enough to just take five measly seconds out of their schedules to ask me a simple question.
"What's wrong?"
"Huh?" Someone asked! God does listen! God does care! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! God rules!
"You're face is more screwed up looking then usual."
Ah! HIM! Hahaha, very funny but when I said 'someone' I meant someone I cared about...like a...parent!..or brother? Or something! Not this stupid-baboon-faced-smart-ass-pretty-boy!
I'm going to take this as some sort of sign to start my homework and stop my procrastinating.
Ack, some loooong torturous hours later...
"Turn off the lights already!" Rei mumble throwing a pillow which whipped by my head, pretty good aim for a dude with his head berried into his sheets.
Well look at the time, one. Alright...I give up. I don't care. I don't care. I do not care. Yes, I do but I'm gonna pretend I don't care and go to bed. Screw this damn poem anthology! I don't know enough words to find ones to rhyme!
"Homework check!" my math teacher yelled after a long hour and ten minutes stuffed in a cold room at the very back corner of the school, with him talking about government conspiracies, world wars, and the sales of automotive insurance that all just somehow related itself to probability.
I spent most of my time playing around with a loose tooth I had. Yes, at the age of fourteen I still had many baby teeth left, mainly at the back.
"You know you're never going to pass this course if you don't apply yourself and start doing the homework." he told me yet again.
Okay, little correction to what he just said. It'd more like I'm never going to pass this course if he doesn't apply himself and start to teach us something that actually math related!
I don't understand the material. I don't understand! I don't understand! How many times to have to tell him. I don't not do my homework 'cause I'm lazy it's 'cause he's lazy and can't teach a decent lesson every now and then so logically I end up not understanding! "I don't understand what you are 'teaching' us," which is nothing but whatever.
"Then come for extra-help."
"Will you be the one helping me there?"
"Yes."
Then what the hell is the point? If he unable to teach me here what are the chances he'll get it right after school, when he's more exhausted hence more lazy. Why waste my time? and with all that said my answer was still...
"Yeah, I'll be there...I guess." I got a couple of hours to blow don't I?
"Good, now write today's homework down." He said moving onto the next person.
I spent all of Geography trying to stay invisible and not do anything wrong which was kinda hard 'cause breathing was considered doing something wrong. I tired to stop but my lungs demanded air.
He keeps picking on me to read things and present things! It's only the thing I suck at most. I can talk just fine, pronounce things just fine but the moment you get a large group in front of me, a large group meaning any number larger then let's say..four-ish, I choke up. And my voice just sounds horrible! And shaky! And he knows it and uses it to his advantage.
I absolutely detest how he tells you to read something aloud and if you so much as mispronounce the littlest of things he interrupts you mid-word but he doesn't tell you what's wrong he just calls your name. "Ceciiiliiiaaa." and then you're all like what? But he doesn't say anything. So you start again then there's he's annoying voice stretching out you're name and just killing it. He actually manages to makes you hate your own name. This time he corrects you and tells you the supposed "right" way of saying it. So you go again before you so much as begin the word he interrupts you, once again! And he keeps correcting you and correcting you till finally you get it! but the thing is the word you said and the word he corrects you with, sound exactly same! I have a teacher that does that! SOOO RUDE:P
Let's skip what happened at lunch, same old crap. Ignored, alone, and booooring! Like always, what's new in life?
Let's skip alllllll the way to the end of school right after last period, English. When I got in shit for not doing my Poem Anthology.
Everyone filed out of class...more like trampled over each other to get out of class. My teacher closed the door leaving just me and her in the room. Wonderful.
She sighed as she looked through her files. "Cecilia, you are not doing well. Not at all. Right now you're receiving a 63 in my class."
Wow a 63...I managed a 63 in English! Amazed I'm passing. Though I'm sure my parents won't exactly be ecstatic if I bring home that mark, though it is quite an achievement for me...considering the fifty-something mark I got last year.
"You're mark will drop severally with this Poem Anthology not handed in. And the thing is it's not even a hard assignment. You're brother did a wonderful job."
My brother...people always have to compare me to my brother... I'm not him! Okay? I'm just not! though I'd give anything to walk in his shoes...just once know the answer before the question is even asked. How easy life would be.
"And I've taught some of you're older siblings too, they did great in my class. They were all very bright and I'm sure you could do just as well if you just apply yourself a little more."
Why the hell does everyone tell me to apply myself? Do they really think I'm that lazy! How I wish that was true! How I was wish I was actually lazy and not just incredibly stupid!
"Not doing your homework is not a good habit to be getting into especially so early in the year and in grade nine. The organization skills you pick up in this grade, you will most likely be using throughout high school, if not throughout your entire life. Why haven't you handed this in yet? I've been very lenient and given you a couple extra days but still, I do not have your work in my hands. Why is that?"
"I don't have anything to write about. I'm not good at poetry. I'm not my brothers." ...I'm surprise I was able to use such force in my words.
"Everyone has something to write about. Something to express."
"I'm not everyone, I'm me. I'm not my brothers. I'm not perfect. I can't do what they do. I can't rhyme words. I can't play sports. I can't play an instrument. I can't ride a bike. I can't do everything. I can't do anything!" I sighed calming down, I don't think that was the right tone to use with a teacher... but might as well finish what I'm started... "I don't have a life, I don't have experience to talk about like they did. I'm basically non-existent to the world. And I just can't do this, okay?"
She was still rather calm after basically being yelled at by me. "Poems don't have to rhyme." She said simply. "And... it sounded like you had something very good to talk about. Emotions, they should be the theme of the poems you write. You're emotional, you feel everything deeper then most people, so write about it."
Silence. Wow that was the corniest thing I've heard in the longest times.
"Now that you have something to write about, get out of here and get started. I'm expecting your anthology within this week." ... "Oh, and...it's just a phase...you'll grow out of your isolation, soon." (this whole chapter made...just cause I wanted a teacher to say... "it's just a phase."...lol)
I nodded, I really didn't want to argue after I totally just lost it... in front of a teacher too. Though I'm positively sure that a person can never get rid of what I've got.
Picking up my bag I was out of there sooooo fast. Now...extra-help math.
Two hours... that's a hundred and twenty minutes...that's umm...uhh...lots and lots of seconds listening to him drone on and on about only god knows what! Two hours that could have been used on more useful things! Like...I dunno...doing my poems I guess...which I'll start now.
Okay...might as well name my first poem, Emotions...original ain't it? I can just feel the originality spurring out of my body.
Let's take this step by step...first take out my notebook...then a pencil. Sit comfortable...and start thinking!
Emotions...why not start my open like that?
Growing stronger... and stronger?...uh...how about no?...ummm...Taking...taking me over?...too long...taking... over
That's an okay starting...I guess. I just wanna finish at least one poem today.
Hurt,...umm...a thesaurus for other emotions would be good now...pain, anger...those will do...confusion!..yes definitely! Confusion dominates
All pushing,...what's another way of saying pushing?...nudging?...emotions nudge..no...thrust?...no..shove! shoving to get out
...
No one cares,
Till ... one day I'm just not there!
Oh my god! I finished a poem. A pretty lame and crappy one but none the less it's dooooone! Nine more to go...Positive to negative in two seconds flat.
Emotions
Growing stronger, Taking over
Hurt, pain, anger...confusion dominates
All pushing, shoving to get out
I try to keep it all inside and place a smile on my face
But that doesn't change how I feel on the inside
And on the inside pain and torture never stops
It all too much, too much to bare, too much to think, too much to breathe
They're consuming me, suffocating me
Taking over my every thought, my every action
I can't breath, I'm drowning
Yet no one cares,
Till one day I'm just not there.
(lets all not comment on the crappiness of my poem...I made for my poem anthology last semester:P)
By the end of the night I had finished a whole seven poems! After finishing the first one the rest just came easily, it really wasn't hard at all. First time something a teacher had told me wasn't a complete and utter lie. Emotions, Hate, alone, Sorrow, Fear, Nighttime, and Shy girl, all the poems I managed to get done tonight. Not exactly of the brightest emotions but when I tried to write something called Happy, or Joyful or whatever it just turned out so lame, the words were so forced.
Three more and I can put it all together in my own personally designed book. The only problem is I didn't manage to get anything else done all day long. I don't even think I've eaten anything.
The next day passed rather quickly. I wasn't constantly staring at the clock, instead...writing poems. I think I have an obsession with it or something. I had written quite a lot by last period, not many of them were very usable though, more really bad sounding words mushed together. I had about two usable ones from the fifty I've written throughout the day. One more...just need one more acceptable poem... A haiku...I think those only have to be like three lines or something.
Right, here in my English notes... "Haiku: A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons." ummm..okay, sounds simple enough though my poem won't be about nature or anything like that. The unrhymed part is a real plus too.
So this is what I've got...after ten minutes of fooling around with words and syllables.
Clutched bloody knife
Life gushes out, the soul leaves
Nothing but darkness
Though I think the second line is one syllable over...depends how you say leaves I guess. This will due for now...
After blowing everything off once again, all it done. I mean my poem thing is done and decorated. All glued on black construction paper, with bright color construction paper glued in designs over it to make contrast or whatever. Cover page is a collage of words cut out from magazines and other such things.
Now all that's left is finishing all my other homework. Stupendous. I don't really feel like eating right now anyways.
One week later ------- (just cause everything's passing so sloooowly)
AHHHHHHHH! And that's a good 'ah'! Like a squealing out of joy 'ah'! I got an eighty-one! Yes... to some of you out there that's like nothing, but think of this in my point of view, me, who couldn't spell correctly if the world depended on it, actually got an 'A' on something from English! Aren't we all proud?
I am going to stay happy for the rest of the day. Nothing could wreck this feeling...no I won't let anything wreck it! Not my geography teacher's grumpy attitude, not my math teachers total boringness, not the snob-up people in this school, not my brothers, not my parents, not anyone!
You know school - life - really isn't all that bad when you don't let anything get to you. When you stop listening to the teacher's many lectures, and the snickering students, when you block out everyone and everything school could actually be enjoyable!
I practically skipped all the way home, you can ask those kids making fun of cause I looked like a total fool but I don't really care!
Life is worth living as long as you don't stress the little things.
There was one thing wrong with that theory...just one huge thing I never thought of that just made life suck...once again, but hey? Should have say it coming right?...well actually no...cause this was something I could never in my life have seen coming..., no matter how many hints were given towards it happening. No matter how obvious it was, even if someone basically spelt it out, I would never believe it till I saw it…and oh boy did I see...waaaaay too much for my own good, too much for my innocent little eyes.
I entered the front door…there were these were noises….moaning…ummm weird. I continued frolicking towards the living room when I came to an abrupt stopped nearly falling over in doing so. Hyperventilating... It was...Britney...ON MY BROTHER! Tongue... skin...GOD BURN MY EYES OFF PLEASE! I can't breath! I can't freaking breath! What the bloody hell?
I went through three stages...After the total confusion a flash of disgust came over me. EWWW! I will NEVER EVER in my life sit on that couch again! It needs to be burnt! I think I'm going to puke.. Then came anger, pure, concentrated rage...then I snapped.
"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!"
God just loves this. Just enjoys doing this to me soooo much, the cycle of my life never ends. It's funny how you can go from on top of the world, to neck deep in shit... What is the world coming to?
Hehe, I only wrote this chapter this way because I wanted to bring her mood up and then tear it down …and to build up to the end. Yes…well next chapter…reveals quite a lot…or just leaves u with more questions then before…both ways works for me!
You know I was doing some random research on depression and suicide and all that junk and it's kinda freaky the amount of people that clinically depressed and never get help. There's like a list of how people often act when they're depressed. Like often tired yet can't sleep at night…but because u show some of the signs I'm not saying ur clinically depressed it's just something interesting to know to either help urself or a friend…cause you or a friend...or somethingneeds to knowthere's a problem to fix it...yes well I'm gonna shut up now.
R&R please! Till next time! Buhbaiz!