Hi all! I promised myself I'd do my computer project right now...but then I looked at the information about nanotechnology and said "Screw it!"...they use complicated words...that I haveta be in the right mood to understand...haha. So yes this is what I decided to do instead. See I said I was in a writing mood...and I was and this chapter finished a while ago...but I kept forgetting to update...and I may have been in a writing mood...but I don't think I was in the right writing mood...You'll get it when you read it...haha:P
Disclaimer: Me own certain stuff...but me no own all stuff...like all the charaters except the main and some minor nobobies...:D

Chapter 15 – I'm too weak

Life is one thing after another and when it's not it's absolutely nothing. That's where I am right now: the land of the nothing, where nothing matters and everyone just drifts. If you're wondering where I am or what I am doing, I wouldn't be able to tell you because I don't know. I don't know what's happening; I don't know where I am or what day it is. I know nothing…and yet I don't care.

I guess this is what happens to you when you stop sleeping: your brain shuts down, your eyes hurt and your body ceases function.

There's a lady standing in front of me…she talks a lot…She's talking but I can't hear her…no, all I hear is that tape playing itself in my head. It's got some neat new features like freeze frame, slow motion, and better picture and sound unfortunately still no mute, fast forward, or stop. Not that it really matters; I've given up on trying to make it to stop because I know it never will. I feel as if I could never not feel the way I do right now, empty and dead.

It's happened, I've lost myself. I can't remember what used to make me happy, what used to make me laugh. I can't remember a time when I didn't just stand by watching the world pass me by, sitting here just waiting to die. I can't remember anything but that day…can't even change my facial expression; it's been stuck on nothing for the longest time.

------Rei's P.O.V.----------

There she goes, losing herself in her thoughts. I can't imagine what's going through her mind right now and I don't want to. It's amazing how the mind works, first it blocked out that day now it blocks out everything and everyone but that day. It's all she ever thinks or dreams about. It's consumed her.

Today is exam review day, meaning exams are over. It is now January and she's been like this for two months, feels longer though. She doesn't eat unless you practically force it down her throat, I have never seen anyone so thin and pale in my life, it's like she's withering away. I've never seen anyone as completely lost and clueless as her. How does someone go from being so full of life to an empty shell? Or better question how does someone reverse it? Last time she was only like this for about a week then one day magically she was all better. She bounced down the stairs as if nothing had happened and she didn't remember that day and she didn't remember Kai.

I would have to say that her eyes are the scariest thing about her now, like two empty holes. No emotions, no signs of life, not sad, not happy just cold and dead. She's absolutely clueless of her surroundings, nothing matters anymore.

There are five stages of grief that was defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, but they are really just the stages everyone goes through everyday, possibly even more then once, it's more the 5 stages of coping with change. Most people have probably heard of them they are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then finally Acceptance.

Denial, anger and bargaining just swooped by for her then depression came…and here we are two months later and nothing's changed. Time heals all wounds…yeah right. Time has possibly made things worst, I think she keeps remembering more the more time she has. Is it possible to never reach the final stage of acceptance?

There's one stupid thing about these 5 stages of grief and that is that the final stage, acceptance, isn't really the final stage, then there's something called TEAR. T starts off where the 5 stages of grief finished which is To accept the reality of the loss or change. E is Experience the pain of the loss or change. A is Adjust to the new environment and then finally R is Reinvest in the new reality.

I wonder if all this psychology junk is true… but I have been reading…probably too many books for my own good to give myself some sort of reassurance that all will be okay…but all they ever gave me were coulds and maybes. I hate uncertain things. In this dark world we live in there should at least only be yes or no, not any in between-ies, maybes and I don't knows.

Quite frankly, ignorance was bliss.

After the teacher was done talking, and I had convinced her that the only thing wrong with Cecilia was that she was over worked and tired I lead Cecilia out into the hallway.

Her eyes shifted for side to side trying to figure out what was happening. She was confused…Looks like she's crawled out of herself for a little while…that's good…the periods of time when she's actually aware of her surroundings are getting rarer.

"…Rei…" she whispered softy, quietly….it was so quiet it can hardly be considered a whisper…more just like liping the word. "W-who…" her voice got a little louder; it hasn't been used much so I guess it needed to be warmed up a little. "…Who was that women talking to me before?..."

"It…it was no one. Doesn't matter, let's just go home. Here, turn around." I told her, I slipped her arms into her jacket then I turned her around again and zipped up her jacket…just like she was a kid.

"H-home?...w-where's home?...I-I…can't…remember…." …she was desperately trying to remember though…

She remembered this morning…she knew where it was this morning…at this rate I'm afraid I'll wake up tomorrow and she won't remember me…

"It's okay; you'll remember when you get there…" I hope…I put my arm around her and guided her down the hallway. Surprisingly a lot of people had shown up today.

"Wha…what's happening…?" her voice…it was so weak….so broken…

"We're just going to turn here okay? There's too many people here."

"People…people?...I…I…don't see anyone…there's no one here…there's no one…I don't see anyone…where are we going? Where are you taking me! We're not going to see that man are we?... I don't want to…I don't want…no…don't make me Rei...Rei…don't make me…" she was breathing hard…and yelling…loud…she was shaking, so much it looked as though her legs were going to give in…that man, every time he'd do this to her…

"No, no. Cecilia we're not going to see that man…Don't worry, it'll be okay."

"I don't want to see him…Rei…I don't want to see him…" she cling to me….like I was her shield that would save her from anything…I wish I was…

"You don't have to….just trust me. Let's go this way."

People were starting to stare…

"Trust…I…trust…Rei." She said…calming down...her voice was soft once again…it was like she only had two volumes, one as quiet as a mouse and another that could break the sound barrier. She loosened her grip on my arm.

"Is…is…this home?"

I nodded as we walked into the driveway and towards the house. She looked around…I can't read her, she makes it difficult sometimes.

She placed one of her palms on the brick wall and closed her eyes. Really I don't know what she's attempting, it's almost like she was trying to listen to the house.

"How about we go in now?" I asked her as the wind started up, blowing the leaves and dirt off the ground and into our faces.

She didn't answer for a while so I repeated the question; sometimes she just didn't hear me even when she's standing right next to me.

"…in?...what's inside?"

"Well…Tala's inside…and everyone else."

"T-Ta…la…" she whispered softly to herself repeating it until it seemed she finally understood what I had just said and ran inside. I followed suit.

She burst through the door with energy that she seemed to pull out of no where. The first thing she did was drop her bag as she smothered Tala in a hug like a little four year old clinging to their parent on their first day of school.

Tala patted her on the head, treating her like she was a four year old and he was the dad. "It's okay Cecilia. Why don't you go over with Tyson in the Kitchen for a little while?"

"Ta…la…I want to be with Tala…"

"Just for a second." Tala repeated taking her hand and handing it to Tyson. She seemed really sad as Tyson dragged her away to the other room.

-------3rd Person's P.O.V.-------

"Well…that's always different…" Max commented on her newly acquired clinginess.

Some of then made a noise to acknowledge that they heard Max, most just sat there.

Max sighed at the fact that he was the one that always had to make the attempt at a conversation now. "I'm surprise she listened to you. When I talk to her she either nods or ignores me."

"Selective listening; if you're talking about something she doesn't want to talk about she tunes you out subconsciously of course. She's not ignoring you, she can't hear you. What we need is someone her brain won't…or more likely can't tune out."

They all seemed to simultaneously turn their eyes towards the blue-nette leaning on the windowsill, staring out at the snow.

He felt about five sets of eyes focusing on the back of his head. "No." Not now, not ever. That is what he had decided. If she didn't want to talk to him then the idiot part of him told him not to talk to her. It was like getting mad at someone for being mad at you. Stupid, but it wasn't really that Kai was mad at her or anything it was more his attempt to give her space. When and if she ever wanted to she could always talk to him…not that he'd really have anything special to say back to her… So it was decided in his mind. She would talk to him that's it that's all. Simple.

Kai cursed under his breath, someone was going to die for this. How did he get forced into this again? Right they kept staring at him which secretly drove him insane! Really imagine five sets of eyes doing nothing but staring at you for over an hour, drilling holes in your head with their eyes. Creep you out much? Don't lie, it gets pretty damn annoying!

With people he didn't know it was easy enough to give them a glare and watch them run away but with people that actually knew him; that never worked. He could never get them to get the hell away from him when he needed to.

There he was again pacing back and forth in front of the same girl's room. You know when you're Kai this is not how it's suppose to go. The girl drools over the guy! Not the other way around!...not that he was drooling…or obsessing or anything. Hey! He didn't even want to be here in the first place! It paints a pretty picture though, the high and mighty Kai, getting all worked up over such a little thing as going in and talking to some girl. Funny really.

Jeez, if she hadn't talked to him in two whole months and freaks out every time he even gets near her, why the hell would she suddenly want to talk to him now? He just did not see their logic in all this.

Maybe giving her that locket was not the brightest idea he ever had. It was the damn egotistic part of his brain's fault for all this! Thinking he could do that, he could do this; he could fix anything and everything! Well you can't fix shit when she won't even look at you without losing it, you idiot!

Somehow he had been linked to that whole day, like if she hadn't known him it wouldn't have happened? Or something. Who knew how her crazed little mind functioned now-a-days.

All he knew was now he had a huge problem and for the first time in his life he was getting what some would call butterflies…or the Kai equivalent of butterflies, whatever that is.

It's quite simple what they wanted him to do; he had gone over it in his head over and over. Walk in there. Talk to her. Possibly get her to eat. Like the idiotic people downstairs had said "If anybody could do it, it's you." That's like a cheesy line you use to encourage scared low self-esteemed losers…is that what he had become? Of course not!

Kai placed his slightly sweaty hand on the door knob. He took a deep breath in then turned the knob and pushed open the door.

She was sitting by the window. Her hair tangled and hanging all over her face. She didn't notice him because if she had she wouldn't be that calm. She reached out her hand and touched the window like she was trying to reach out to someone, in a trance.

Kai reluctantly entered and closed the door behind him. She didn't move. She must have seen something mighty interesting on the other side of that window.

Kai held her dinner in his hand and he placed it on a table as he took a step closer.

"Don't come any closer." Her voice was firm, in control. She was still in there somewhere. "I don't want to talk to you…I don't…" by the time she had said 'I don't' the second time her voice had became soft again…weak. She trailed off and continued to stare out the window, like he wasn't even there, like she didn't even notice him.

Awkward…Kai was getting used to that feeling…if that's possible.

She continued, "I know…that…" and then stopped again like she was waiting for him to interrupt her or something like in a dramatic scene in a soap opera where no one ever gets to finish their sentence and everyone would burst into random scenes of kissing and then fighting then kissing again and so on…but that's not quiet what was going to happen. Fighting, sure…Kissing? We're not at that point of weird yet.

She's really developed interest in the whole being a statue thing. How long could one person possibly sit and stare at the same spot on the same window without moving? Or speaking…well the answer is quite long time.

Kai hoped that she would start talking again but after a few minutes it was pretty clear that, that wasn't going to happen. Now would be the best time for Kai to suddenly show his more talkative side…that is supposing he has one and considering the fact that he hasn't spoken since he entered the room we can all safely assume that this talkative side does not exist. Well he's just have to make some sort of effort then!...

Silence…

Any effort at all…

Silence…

A word…

Silence…

A sound?

…Nope, not even a little noise, typical. Guessing Kai's really wishing that the bed would suddenly combust or something to cause her to react or to give him a reason to run like the wind as far as possible from that room.

There was one thing Kai always hated doing and it was comforting someone. Seriously what is one supposed to say in these situations? 'What's wrong?' Now that's just lame and considering he already knew what the problem was that question would just be stupid. Let's see, what other crappy lines do people use in the movies? 'Everything's going to be okay.'? Yeah right! How exactly? 'I'm here. I'll make everything better.'? Now that one's laughable. Kai wasn't Superman; he couldn't fly around the Earth really quickly and turn back time because that's about the only way he could make things all better again.

Kai was starting to wonder how the hell he did this in the past. Maybe he was just more social before he got sent to the school from hell…but then again he doubted it. He is not a social person and most likely never was. Some people were just born to make friends and attract attention while others like Kai were just meant to do the opposite, scare them away.

Why was it that everything seemed easier in his head? Why did life never go according to plan? But then again it was stupid of him to think everything would be better if she just remembered him. Nothing in life is ever that simple. No, now she had 'extreme psychological issues to sort out' as some exceptionally unhelpful psychiatrist had pointed out. Spend thousands of dollars, five years at med school then another ten years training to become a psychiatrist and that was all she could tell them. Better hope your doctors that receive about half that amount of education are more competent.

After a long while of just standing there Kai was beginning to think that he would combust soon so he said the only thing anyone's ever said to comfort him when he was small which was, "Suck it up." nice, no? "Life is hard; it wouldn't be life if it wasn't. How's lying down and playing dead going to suddenly solve everything?" and this is what happens when you send a slightly damaged person to go fix another slightly damaged person. It's like the blind leading the blind…right off a cliff.

Kai new-changed-oh-so-wonderful tactic, instead of comforting her was to just get some sort of reaction out of her because the first step to being human and alive is to actually react to things.

Unfortunately she didn't. Ignoring people had become somewhat of another new talent of hers. Kai was beginning to think that she should just be one of those people that stood on the streets downtown and pretended to be a statue while everyone threw money at them. So much of her not being able to tune him out. (lol..i saw 1 of those and I spent like 10mins trying to figure out if it was really a statue or a person:P)

Change of tactic now? He really should stop treating this as if it was a battle and he needed a strategy in order to 'win.'

There were about a million possible things that Kai could say in this situation but everything just seemed too much like a line out of a corny scene in a movie and whatever it was he was going to force himself to say he wanted it to at least sound remotely like something he would say…even if it was something he would only say if he were extremely drunk….or near death, but then again maybe not even then. When he died he wanted to go out like he was, not a lame person trying to be wise.

Kai took a step forward, with a theory that if he was actually next to her she's actually hear him when he talked to her…that is for when he actually knew what he was going to say. Would saying something stupid and mean again work? Because really it was all he was good at doing, being overly blunt.

"…don't…just…don't…come nearer…" she pleaded…with fear in her voice…

Fear that was ticking Kai off just a little. Here he was trying to the best of his ability to help her or whatever and there she was being afraid of him! And for what reason really?

"I…I…traced back every memory…they all had one thing in common…you. You were in all of them…and every time I remembered something it was because of you…I-I…don't want to remember anything else…"

There was two ways that Kai could have taken this information. As an 'I don't know what to say to that' or as a reason to get mad…er because all she was doing was wallowing in self-pity. And because he had already done the 'I don't know what to say' thing he decided on option two.

Kai was never one to take care of little babies that did nothing but sit there and moped, he couldn't stand it. If you don't like something get up and change it otherwise learn to live with it, that's what he was taught. It's true other people can make it so that your life is crap but if all you do is cry about it then you've basically accepted defeat then it's your fault that your life remains as it is, crap.

He didn't get it, she wasn't this pathetic loser. She was always the one that would fall and scrape her knee then the next second be up on her feet again running around while everyone else chased after her yelling and screaming at her to slow down before she died of blood lost. She would simply yell back 'I'm fine' and continue running…until of course she fell again. Obviously her injury is a little more severe then a scrape on the knee and events in life can change or reshape a person but at the end of the day you are who you want to be. Like a person that was raised by a violent drunken family won't necessarily become a violent drunken person. In the end it was your decision that determined the kind of person you are or that you will become. You determine your level of happiness.

"You can't just pretend that certain things in your life didn't happen. Deal with it."

"I heard you the first time… 'Suck it up. Life is hard; it wouldn't be life if it wasn't. How's lying down and playing dead going to suddenly solve everything?'" she repeated what he had said word for word. Her brothers were right, she couldn't tune him out. "… It wouldn't solve anything…but right now I'm not strong enough to do anything but this…and I don't care that you think that I'm weak…I don't care what you think about me…because at the end of it all, you were like everyone else…you left." her voice was dry, dead…emotionless, done better then Kai could.

"W-What?" he knew what she was talking about…but it was more of an I-didn't-expect-her-to-say-that 'what.'

"I knew you back then right?…and then you left…just left."

"I…" Kai was a little taken by surprise…she was angry…because he left…but it wasn't like he had a choice. Assault was a crime no matter who it was to and it was either Reformatory School or…well there was no other option! "I had to go away."

"That's what you said before…I didn't really believe you at the time. I didn't think it could happen…but then…you just stopped showing up. I remember it hurt so much to think about you…and eventually it hurt more to think about you…then the…the other thing. It hurt so much…that eventually I forced myself to forget…and then I was back to normal but not really…I kept feeling like I was missing something…but I couldn't remember what…It was stupid, I've lived a really stupid life…" Now it was more like she was talking to herself then to him, but that was okay because it wasn't really like Kai had anything to say anyways. He was a listener not a talker.

"But now…I don't consider you leaving the worst thing in the world anymore…maybe I did before because I didn't really understand what the hell…rape was…And just so you know, it's not something you just…get over. It screws up everything. I don't know what's what anymore…all I know is that day…that day was real…and that's all I can think about…I see a little more every time…he has pale skin…his ears are large compared to his face…his hair's…blonde…dark…blond…lips thin, his mouth long…finger nails dirty…broken…his thumb…he's missing half his thumb nail…his hands are big…rough…dry…I could feel them against my skin…his teeth…I can notice all those things…but I've never even seen his face but he can see, all too clearly …I…I…d-don't want to talk about it anymore…" She stopped realizing that she had said a little more then she wanted to, like she had finally said it, rape, that's what happened to her…instead of that day or it she just…said rape…and for some reason it made her feel…better?...or a little. The really stupid part was that she didn't even realize until she let slip some other things. She didn't understand how she could be mad at him and yet tell him things she was too ashamed to tell her brothers.

Quickly she switched back to her silent-might-as-well-be-dead mode. Her eyes once again lost that little light that showed that she was alive, that she had thoughts and feelings somewhere in there. Her eyes returned to their previously clouded state. "Just…go away…" she whispered before directing her attention back to the window. Just like that any personality she was showing just washed away.

"Wow…went that badly…" Max said as he listened to Enrique recap the events, who as usual was eavesdropping on the whole thing. Although Max was already able to tell it went bad when he saw Kai storming down the stairs. He was now brooding in the corner.

"Well…really it depends how you look at it. On one hand he did get her to talk…and quite a lot but then again on the other hand he got the…umm…bitchier side of her…which has never been a good sign. So basically she talked to him but she hates him now."

"Like you should talk, you aren't exactly her favorite person either. I mean the last time you two talked. You were half naked and she said she hated you."

"Well thank you for opening up old wounds," Enrique faked a hurt look, "And, first of all, young, native Maxie-

"I'm only a year younger then you!-"

"A year is still younger, and don't interrupt your elders." Max rolled his eyes not wanting to fight with Enrique, because well with him there's no winning. Max huffed and Enrique continued talking. "She can hate more then one person and actually no, she doesn't hate me. Her feelings have gone from hatred to a mild dislike; it can only continue to get better. I mean really, I can picture her staying mad at Kai forever but who in their right mind could stay mad at wittle old me? I am her brother after all." to that he made an innocent-sweet-love-me look.

Yup, Enrique had started being in a better mood for a while now. Ever since Cecilia had gone into her ultra depressed mode she only remembered a selected number of people and Enrique being one of them let him know that she didn't hate him. Knowing that made him happy, probably too happy for his own good.

Kai growled wishing the idiot would just shut up, he was talking as if there was some sort of invisible force field preventing Kai from hearing what he was saying even though they were currently in the same room.

He had a bad feeling about going in there in the first place. If he had just stayed with his when-she-was-ready-thing he could guarantee that things would have ended up differently. This was the last time he was going to go against his initial gut feeling and listen to these people.

This is why he never talked to anyone. If you have nothing to say just don't say anything at all. Why force yourself to sound stupid?

Well at least that was another experience to add to Kai's long list. Now he knew without a doubt that he would never become any sort of counselor. For one thing he probably wouldn't even care about the hundreds of random people telling him their problems and another thing was that he could definitely not comfort people. After talking to him most would probably just go commit suicide somewhere.

Hey, it's not his fault he has no sympathy for other people. Reformatory school does that to you.

A reformatory school defined as an institution that holds and trained juveniles up to the age of around sixteen when they were convicted of an offence punishable by imprisonment. Saying military school just always sounded better than reformatory, though they were similar. Military school you only go to when your parents force you while reformatory school was when the law forces you. Though really no one considered what Kai did as an 'offence.' It was more…like karma, what goes around comes around, and he definitely had it coming.

It was eight years ago… Kai remembered it well. It was supposed to be a happy day. She had been looking forward to it for weeks. Talking about it none-stop, six was apparently a very important age. Why? Because she said so.

Kai didn't want to admit it but that day as one of the few things he actually dwelled on, don't go so far as to say he got sad about it, but he certainly thought about it a lot and remembered it well. The instant they noticed she went missing, the hours that it seemed they spent looking for her, the moment she seemed to find him and most of all what happened afterwards. How she seemed to have died, every ounce of her personality and spirit was gone, just evaporated. It was like she was there but…she wasn't there. He remembered how for the second time in his life he felt useless. Really what's the point in being intelligent or being good at anything if you couldn't do such a simple thing as helping someone?

In the end they did catch him…but had to let him go. Something about doing some sort of procedure wrong. So basically he was let go on a technicality. That was just plain stupid, if you're guilty, you're guilty, it shouldn't matter if you were arrested in the wrong way, or evidence was collected wrong, at the end of the day you committed the crime and your ass should be in jail for it. But hey that's just how stupid the justice system was, there was more laws protecting the offender then the victim.

This was all eight years ago, eight years ago since her sixth birthday and eight year ago since Kai had sent that bastard well nearly to his grave. It isn't as hard as it sounds for a nine year old to send a grown pedophile to the hospital. Think about it, pedophiles are just cowardly adults that prey on defenseless children. How strong do you really have to be to do something as sick as that? How powerful does one truly have to be to corner a little girl? Obviously not very strong at all, you just have to be mighty twisted. Size didn't really matter; spineless worms always get eaten in the end, it wasn't what you'd call hard. Finding the idiot wasn't exactly difficult either, once you have someone's name you could find out anything and everything about them, from where they lived to what kind of toilette paper they used.

Kai growled thinking back to what she had said before about not being strong enough. That wasn't true, because no matter what happened she would just bounce back up and she could do it again…or at least he hopes, well maybe this was all just a little bit of positive thinking…

------Normal P.O.V-------

I'm not strong enough. Isn't that stupid? I'm never strong enough, no matter what I'm going through in life, even when it's idiotic and trivial. And every time I think it can't be worst then that, lo and behold, something worst. It's almost funny, if I were in a poke fun at my life mood.

I used to separate my life into two sections, the storm and the calm before the storm. It was always easy to tell which was which. The storm was when I felt crazy, like I was being pulled into every direction dealing with some sort of crisis. The calm before the storm is when I felt like there's absolutely nothing to life. Where there's no problem, nothing making me sad but nothing making my happy either, so it leaves me feeling like I'm just shit at the bottom of people's shoes. Sometimes it felt like this phase was worst then the actual storm but there was always hope at those times.

Throughout my whole life…or at least the parts I can remember, I've always felt some strong feeling. I was always either really over ecstatically happy or so down in the dumps that my own mother couldn't recognize me. (yeah stuff in italics is what my mommy always says..."you're so something somethin your own mother wouldn't recognize you!"...but in chinese...lol, it was stuck in my head so i wrote it in)

This time I'm not so sure where I am. I feel like…not even crap, just nothing, an empty pit. It was like in one split second a part of my soul was cut out and stolen. I can't seem to find enjoyment in anything. At times I really want to go out and be like I was, but then that feeling would quickly fade and I'd be back to sitting there. I can't even be bothered to care about the people or things around me. From times to time I can't see them or hear and when I do I can't recognize their faces or their voices. Sometimes I can't even hear my own thoughts…

I've found something worst then death, to continue living with nothing to live for, no good memories to hold on to and the people around me, even though they are there, just seem like faint shadows in the background. Struggle as I might, I can't bring them to the surface, can't see them behind the black clouds…can't remember their names.

I'm too weak.

So...umm...yeah...weird chapter, right?...lol...I think it's cause this was supposed to be a serious chapter...but when I wrote it I was happy, possibly overly happy...so the words I used and the tone of the whole chapter is sorta off wack.
So yeeah...I don't know if I should even ask you to review a chapter as weirdly worded as this one...so I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to say Thanks for the reviews from the last chapters:D You people are always so nice!...and Thanks for reading!