A/N:The song here, Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin is EVERYWHERE on the radio. Fabulous song. The first couple of times I heard it I thought they were saying "James". I just switched 'Jane' to 'James' here but other than that the lyrics are all the same.
MOO: #25
Pairing: James/Peter, James/Lily, mentions of Sirius/Remus
Dedication: To my fabulously awesome new pets. I adopted a pair of geckos the other day. Have you any idea how cool it is to watch them eat crickets? Cos it is totally awesome, I have to tell you. Their names are Lucius Martius and Scipio Africanus and they rock some serious sockage. You'll hear more about them in future A/Ns and stuff, as they are so crazy awesome and mad cool I feel I must totally brag.
Disclaimer: I own neither the song nor the characters.
Warning: Slash, character death which is (gasp) a SPOILER for the SORCERER'S STONE, mentions of het.
If I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?
-
And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?
-
No
Peter Pettigrew was in lust with James Potter. It is to be expected, really. Sirius had Remus, Remus had Sirius, James had Lily, and Peter had…no one.
Half of the Marauders had paired off with each other. Why not the other half as well?
James had befriended Peter before he had befriended Remus and later Sirius. In their first year, Peter had held first claim. But then in second year Sirius was James' best friend and in third year his boyfriend. Peter, hurt and shunted to the side, had put it down as being stupid and thirteen. All thirteen-year-olds were stupid and made stupid mistakes. All the older kids said so. James couldn't really like Sirius.
And in fourth year, he didn't. Because Sirius liked Remus but didn't admit it until fifth year. Or was it sixth year? To be honest, Peter hadn't been informed of much so he wasn't entirely sure about the timing of things.
Peter had finally gotten James away from Lily long enough to make his point, and to his relief James had actually reciprocated.
It was kind of fun sneaking around Lily until Peter realised that he had to sneak around Lily because Lily would never have to sneak around Peter.
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of James
So tell me how it should be
No matter what Peter did, it never quite seemed to make James happy like Lily could.
At one point, a fed-up Peter flat out asked if James wanted him or Lily. James had to think for almost a day until he told Peter he wanted both. But Peter still wasn't sure. If James really wanted Peter, why did he insist on such secrecy? If James truly wanted them both, why did he flaunt Lily and hide Peter? Why not flaunt Peter and hide Lily?
Did James want either of them at all?
Peter sometimes thought about it, but most of the time he was willing to do anything as long as he kept getting those sweet, slow kisses from James.
But school was over now and people were starting to ask questions. Bad questions, cruel questions.
Questions like, "Jimmy, when are you and Lily getting married?"
Try to find out what makes you tick
As I lie down
Sore and sick
Do you like that?
Do you like that?
-
There's a fine line between love and hate
And I don't mind
Just let me say that I like that
I like that
Peter didn't really mind when James ignored him sometimes. James had a lot to do. Both men were in the recently formed Order of the Phoenix. Peter had only joined because James had; he didn't really like any of the other members, not even Remus and Sirius. They were just too…saccharine. Sickly sweet in the way they cared about each other. Peter could never stand to watch them for long because it made his heart twinge a bit to see them so happy and James constantly, unexpectedly ditching Peter for Lily.
Peter sometimes wondered why James was having so much fun playing around with Peter. He never wondered this for long because it made him feel empty and useless since James was the only one in the entire Order who actually was friendly with him. Peter always tried not to think about how James wasn't always friendly when Lily or most of the others were around.
Peter thought that he might go mad. Maybe that was why he took up that offer from the bloke he met in the bar, the pretty one with the feral grin and such an enchanting way with his tongue and hands.
James got mad when he found out. He hadn't found out about Peter's deal with the man, just the man. Peter stopped seeing the man after that. The Lord sent someone else and Peter was wondering more and more why James could have a Lily but Peter couldn't. Was James Peter's Lily? Did Lily have a Peter too? Peter didn't know, but it brought that same dull ache so he stopped thinking about it after a while.
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of James
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of James
So tell me how it should be
Peter was fairly certain that if his situation didn't change soon then he might very well snap.
So when an order came for information about members of the Order, Peter started gathering notes and papers and notebooks to hand over. One such was the diary of James Potter.
Peter kept that one for himself; didn't show so much as an ink stain from it to anyone else. When he was done reading a page, he would burn it and place the ashes very carefully in a pretty little vase that he kept high on a shelf so nothing could hurt it.
This had been James' diary for years. He kept forgetting to write in it, so there would be gaps that would span weeks until James remembered the diary and filled the unseen reader in on what had happened.
James Potter and Peter Pettigrew had been secretly dating since late in their sixth year at Hogwarts, and there was no mention of Peter at all.
Peter never watched the pages burn so he could pretend they said something else.
Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love
Die for anyone
What have I become
-
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of James
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place
In the diary of James
-
If I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?
-
And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?
-
No
Peter grew reckless. He dropped hints constantly but no one paid enough attention to pick them up. Peter tried to let James know. He couldn't tell anyone straight out because they'd find out.
Despite all of Peter's efforts they were going to kill James, Lily, and their baby son.
Peter would renounce the Dark Lord in a moment if James would only give some sign that he actually wanted Peter on his side, gave some signal that he knew Peter could be useful.
But Peter had always done what James had wanted, and if James didn't mind that Peter was slipping away, if James didn't care enough to even try to bring Peter back, there was nothing Peter could do, nothing Peter would do.
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of James
So tell me how it should be
-
Try to find out what makes you tick
As I lie down
Sore and sick
Do you like that?
Do you like that?
-
There's a fine line between love and hate
And I don't mind
Just let me say that I like that
I like that
Peter had always known on some level that he was James' toy, that James never had and never would see him as an equal, but he didn't really care. As long as James still liked his pet, Peter would willingly give him the leash. Even if he no longer wanted to play with the toy that was Peter, Peter knew that he'd wait and gather dust wherever James left him until James picked him up to play again.
Sometimes Peter hated what James was doing to him, how much James skewed his life, like looking at a prism under raging waves.
Sometimes Peter hated Lily because she had James all the time and she didn't have to hope and wait and be shunted to the side every time someone came into the room. Peter hated her for letting James go away.
Sometimes Peter hated the baby, Harry, because Harry had James' attention and Harry was the living symbol of Lily's triumph over Peter and how Peter had been cast aside so many times. Peter hated what the child represented.
But Peter never, ever hated James. Peter still didn't understand why James was doing what he was doing, probably never would, but he still exhausted himself trying to please James and the Dark Lord and still take some measure of care of himself.
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of James
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of James
So tell me how it should be
-
Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love
Die for anyone
What have I become
When Peter found out that there was nothing he could do to prevent the Dark Lord from killing the Potters, he tried to get James out. But James wanted to stay with Lily. He didn't want to go anywhere with Peter. He wanted Peter to go with him. James refused to leave the house that night and told Peter to be at one of their meeting places that weekend. He didn't listen to Peter's protests as Peter left.
Peter searched the remaining pages of the diary and, finding nothing that would help him convince James, burnt most of them. There were two pages left when he thought he had found the answer. He got to James' house as quickly as he could, but all he found were ashes and embers and chunks of wood and bone and flesh.
Peter would have faced the Dark Lord himself to save James, if James had only let him.
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of James
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place
In the diary of James
Peter read and ripped out the last two pages of the diary that night, trying to block out the rest of the world. On the next to last page, there was a mention of Peter Pettigrew.
Peter read that sentence over and over in the glow of the burning binding, clutching the page like a lifeline, like his last link to the world.
He kept that page, carefully stored and meticulously preserved so the words would never fade.
"I kinda like him," the messy scrawl of a long-dead lover proclaimed.