A/N: I have been working on this for the past few days now, getting into all sorts of trouble with it. Computer freezing so losing chunks of it, finding the right way to approach things and all sorts.
I warn you know...there is a MAJOR character death in this...if you hate people who kill off your favourite character then do not read and flame me shouting at me because i killed them.
This is sad, so be prepared with a tissue, writing this made me cry...but i am very sensitive so small things can make me cry:D
Thanks to my beta-reader The Steppy-One for helping me with this fic, whether it is to pester you with questions or to show you sneak clippings...but thanks for editing this:D
Please read and review:D
Slipped Away
I have never felt so much pain in my life. The cruciatus curse failed to compare with the pain I was feeling in my heart. It felt like it had shattered into a thousand pieces that would never be put back together again. The pain hurt so much, it was unbearable…I couldn't breathe. I couldn't…
Nothing could make it right. Everyone tried to console me, tell me that it will be all right, that I would get through this…but how could I? How could I go on, knowing that he wouldn't be standing by me every step I take? …
I knew they were only trying to help, trying to ease my pain. I just couldn't listen to them telling me that life will go on without him. He was…is my life. They tried to make me see that there was life waiting for me…I refused to listen.
It was easy for me to be angry with him, angry because he left me without saying goodbye. It was all too sudden that morning he was there, sitting at our kitchen table happily eating his breakfast…his last breakfast made by me. The last time I saw him was when he was kissing me before he went to work…
Work…that is something that brought back devastating memories for me. I remember…I was sitting at my desk when a knock on my office door interrupted me from my work…
"Hermione?"
Hermione looked up from her pile of papers, and looked up at the person standing at the door. Remus Lupin was standing there, looking very pale and upset. He looked like he had just come back from a straining case.
Hermione smiled, "Hello Remus, what brings you here?" She said in a happy tone, which made Remus visibly flinch. He hated being the one to bring the news that would destroy her.
"Hermione…" Remus started, whilst taking a deep breath "I have something I need to tell you"
Hermione, noticing the change in his tone stood from her chair, she moved around her desk to get closer to Remus "What is it?" She asked, hoping that she wouldn't regret asking.
"Perhaps, it is best if you were to sit down," Remus said gently as he guided Hermione to the small sofa located in her office.
Hermione pulled away firmly and stood her ground "Please…just tell me…"
Remus took a deep breath and let the air release slowly. He knew that he had to tell her.
"Hermione…" He began, not wanting to continue.
"Remus, please just tell me" Hermione pleaded.
"Hermione…today there was an attack in Diagon Alley. Ron…he was helping with the other aurors fighting the Death Eaters off…but…" Remus need not finish his sentence. Hermione's expression told him that she knew. The colour drained from her face, to a pale grey.
"No…No…NO!" Hermione cried, not believing what she was hearing. Tears filled her eyes as she struggled to breathe. She wanted Remus to tell her that it was a joke, a sick joke that he was playing on her. After noticing that Remus' eyes were filling with tears did she realise that it wasn't.
She broke down; Remus caught her before she landed hard on the floor so she wouldn't hurt herself. She couldn't breathe; the pain hurt her so much. She knew that she would never see Ron smile again. She would never get to feel his warm lips against hers again. All that was left with her were the memories.
Remus watched her heart breaking right in front of him. This was the part of his job that he disliked very much. He hated seeing Hermione like this, in so much pain but with nothing he could do for her. He could only stand there and watch her fall to pieces.
Ron meant so much to her, they had only been married a year and it to be taken away so suddenly was unfair. It went without saying how much they loved each other. Even when they were younger he noticed certain chemistry between the two that was different.
He remembered their wedding day just a year before. He remembered seeing that look on both of their faces, the look of true love. He remembered the smiles that lasted all day from the couple. In every photo they were smiling, in every memory of that day, they were both smiling. It was the first day of the rest of their lives together, and now it was taken away in an instant…it didn't seem fair.
"Hermione…I'm sorry…" Remus said in a sympathetic tone, he hated this. He hated the fact that Ron will no longer be there for Hermione. She would never see him again, and he couldn't help but feel slightly responsible.
The events of that day were still fresh in his mind, replaying every last detail like a broken record playing the same key over and over again. He was thankful of one thing; Hermione wasn't there to watch her husband, the love of her life murdered so cruelly by those who were thought to be dead. Remus was angry that the ministry hadn't caught the remaining Death Eaters from the war, they still let them loose letting them destroy so many lives leaving nothing but devastation in their path.
ooooooooooooooo00000000000000000000000000000ooooooooooooo
The attack on Diagon Alley was made aware to the aurors at precisely ten o'clock. Ron and Harry were sitting in the briefing room with twenty other aurors. They were being briefed on the Diagon Alley attack and finding the best way to stop the Death Eaters from destroying residences and local businesses whilst trying to protect the shoppers and civilians that were in Diagon Alley at the time.
The Aurors who were part of the emergency response team went straight to Diagon Alley as soon as they were notified of the attack. This was to ensure that the Death Eaters would not cause too much damage to surrounding buildings or harm civilians.
The briefing lasted no longer than five minutes, which gave the emergency response Aurors enough time to stall the Death Eaters before the remaining defence joined them. As soon as they could, Ron and Harry apparated as fast as they could to Diagon Alley.
There were lots of panic-stricken civilians trying to escape the reign of terror that just invaded the area. Shop keepers trying desperately to prevent any damage to their business from various curses, charms and spells.
Ron and Harry quickly observed the scene that was taking place before joining their team-mates fight off the Death Eater that had just started to throw various curses at him, most of which missed.
"Harry! We need to act quick! It seems more of them are coming!" Ron exclaimed as he saw five more Death Eaters apparate onto the scene.
"Where are they all coming from?" Harry asked in an irritated tone as he dodged a curse that was sent his way.
"I don't know! But wherever they are coming from, they are coming fast!" Ron said in a loud tone as more apparated near to where they were "Merlin! They are stronger than when we last saw them!"
"That's because they are prepared, they like to be one step ahead of us" Harry said matter-of-factly after putting a body-binding curse on a Death Eater that just fired another curse at him. "And besides, they are desperate to get my head on a platter!" Harry added with a laugh.
"Ha! Very funny Harry!" Ron replied with a sarcastic tone looking to Harry to see him disarm a Death Eater before putting him in a full body bind. "You really like that body binding spell don't you?"
Harry replied with a half-hearted laugh "Yeah, well it keeps them at bay!"
"And see their faces when they can't do anything!" Ron added with a chuckle. He was so caught up in joking along with Harry that he failed to notice the Death Eaters that had apparated behind him. He only noticed when Harry's face paled drastically; he turned round slowly to see a white mask covering the face of a Death Eater. For the first time he was completely frozen, he could feel his heart beating furiously with fear. He hardly had time to let things sink in before a bright green light consumed him.
"RON!" Harry screamed, but it was too late. As soon as the bright green light cleared he saw Ron crumpled on the dusty ground. Harry knew Ron's fate; he knew what had happened. Time seemed to stand still. Everything seemed to stop.
Harry felt anger course through him at the Death Eater that had killed Ron. He hated that coward for killing his best friend, a brother. He whipped his wand, aiming it at the Death Eater's chest. His eyes narrowed, as the Death Eater gave a smirk.
"I will make you pay! I will make you regret ever being born!" Harry screamed at the Death Eater.
The Death Eater snorted, mocking Harry's rage and devastation over his best friend.
"CRUCIO!"
The Death Eater bucked over in pain. His piercing screams echoed throughout the area. Harry didn't care, all he cared about was making the Death Eater pay for what he did, making him pay for all the pain that he had caused. He thought of all the pain that Hermione would feel when she found out, he thought of the Weasley's, Molly and Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Fred and George. He thought of Ginny, and how much pain she would be in to find that her big brother was killed brutally by a Death Eater that the ministry should have dealt with.
"I will make you pay for what you have done!" He screamed at the Death Eater who was still screaming in pain. The remaining Death Eaters had retreated, fearing what was happening to him will happen to the rest of them. They left him in the hands of Harry.
"Why did you do it? WHY?" Harry spat, continuing the curse on the Death Eater. "Why did you have to take his life? You are scum! Pathetic!"
"Harry!"
Harry turned around to see Remus running in his direction. He immediately stopped when he saw Ron's body lying on the ground.
"No…please tell me…he's not…" Remus said desperately as tears running down his cheeks.
"He is…and he killed him!" Harry said whilst pointing to the screaming Death Eater with his free hand "HE KILLED HIM!"
"Harry…Please stop this!"
"WHY? HE KILLED RON! HE KILLED HIM!" Harry screamed in anger, tears escaping his eyes.
"Harry! This isn't good for you!" Remus said firmly, he knew if Harry wasn't careful he would burn himself out. "Let the other Aurors take care of him!"
Harry flinched "I can't! I have to make him pay for what he has done!"
Remus placed his hand on Harry's shoulder in a comforting way "He will pay for what he has done Harry, I promise"
"As soon as I let go, he will escape!" Harry snapped "I don't want him to escape! He can't escape!"
"We won't let him escape!" Remus replied reassuringly. He had to prove to Harry that the Death Eater would not be able to escape.
The surrounding Arurors came to Harry's aid, and grabbed the Death Eater ready to be taken to Azkaban. All they needed now was for Harry to lift the curse from the Death Eater.
"Harry, please remove the curse so we can take him to Azkaban" Remus pleaded. "It's not doing you any good"
Harry looked at Remus for a moment, and with tears still present in his eyes he lifted the curse. As soon as he lifted the curse, the Aurors escorted the Death Eater away to Azkaban.
Harry stood still, staring straight ahead. Tears fell freely, mourning for his best friend.
He turned round to see Ron lying completely motionless. His body was twisted and his skin was deathly pale. His hair colour had faded slightly losing the vibrant colour he once had.
Harry thought of Hermione and how he would break the news to her. He knew that it would devastate her. The news would destroy her world and everything she has worked for. Ron and Hermione have only been married a year, and it was cruel for it to be taken away in an instant.
He thought of how the Weasley's would react. He thought of Molly, the news that her youngest son was victim to a cruel and fatal Death Eater attack would destroy her. Molly loved all her children, and Harry knew that the thought of losing one of her beloved children would feel like the end of the world. He knew that Arthur would feel the same. His little boy was no longer here in the world. He thought about how Ron's brothers and sister would react. He knew that his brothers would all be devastated, but angry that someone took their youngest brother away from them. Ginny would be shattered; she always looked up to Ron, as she was closest to him out of all her other brothers.
He thought of all those people that would be devastated by the news of Ron's death. How much destruction can one person bring into so many people's lives?
Harry saw some Aurors moving Ron's body, and he began to panic
"Where are they taking him?"
Remus placed his hand on Harry's shoulder again "They are taking him to the morgue in St. Mungo's"
"Oh…" Harry mumbled, as if he were in a trance.
"Harry, why don't you go to St. Mungo's and get yourself checked out. I need to go and speak to Hermione" Remus said in an almost trance.
"What? Don't you think it's best if I tell her?" Harry said with confusion.
"In different circumstances, yes. But you are still cooling off from your anger spurt. Its best if I tell her"
"Oh…ok then…Remus?"
"Yes Harry?"
"Thanks"
Remus barely gave a smile. Smiling was not an option today, the event that happened just moments earlier still sinking in. It was hard to imagine or even think about life without a good friend, without Ron.
Remus sighed as he thought about telling Hermione. Something inside him did not want to tell her. He didn't want to see her fall apart the instant she was told, he did not want to see her in pain like that. She did not deserve such cruelty. He had to tell her, but he still has to contemplate how to tell her that her husband has died.
He took a deep breath before apparating to the ministry. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, thinking of a way to break the news to Hermione. He hoped that this was a dream, and when he opened his eyes he would not be standing inside the ministry. When he opened them, and when he found that he was still in the ministry did it sink in.
He slowly walked towards Hermione's office, passing many departments and floors he finally got to the department he was looking for. He made his way towards Hermione's office, and when he saw the writing on Hermione's door he froze. Scripted on the door in a gold plague was "Hermione Weasley: Liaisons administrator".
He sighed; it was now or never. He took a deep breath and knocked on her door, feeling horrible to be the one to break her heart.
That day…the day I realised that my life would never be the same again. I remember going to …my home that night and it feeling so empty. Ron wasn't there, making it a mess after I spent so long tidying it. The dishes that I had washed were still there on the draining board from that morning when I washed them after Ron went into …work. There were no dirty mugs lying about, no milk left out of the fridge…Everything was just…as I left it. Ron wasn't there to mess it up again…because he never came home.
I remember the first night without Ron. I couldn't sleep, I just kept thinking about him and how he wasn't here with me. I knew that I would never see him again, I would never see the person I love with all my heart ever again. Someone so cruel and heartless took it all from me. Death would be too kind on that monster that took Ron away from his friends, family and the world.
He was someone so kind, with no prejudices towards anyone. Everyone at work liked him, which made him the most popular there. I remember his work colleagues, people who I may have only met once coming up to me and offering their deepest condolences. They too, would be missing someone who made such an impact in their lives; someone so kind and thoughtful was now a memory to those who knew him.
The first time I faced the Weasley's was three days after Ron's death. As soon as I stepped into the Burrow I hardly recognised it. So much had changed during the past few days, there was no longer a warm homely feeling it once had. Instead it felt cold and lonely. The salty smell of tears lingered in each room from numerous amounts of crying from each individual. There was no longer a sound of crashes, laughter, shouts coming from the rooms of the Burrow…Just silence.
I remembered walking into the kitchen to see Molly sitting at the kitchen table with a tissue clutched in her hands. Her other hand was clutching her heart…it appeared as if she was having a heart attack but a second glance confirmed that the pain of losing her youngest son was just too much to bare.
When she saw me her face lit up slightly. She had heard from Harry that I refused to see anybody since Ron's death. I had locked myself in…my room trying to escape from the harsh reality that had just come upon me. I wanted to hide from all the tears from Ron's friends and family that would just confirm his fate. I wanted to hide forever, not accepting the truth.
I finally realised that I could not escape. Everything reminded me of Ron. Pictures were all over the place of our wedding day and other happy times that we had spent together. I remembered looking at one picture in particular. It was on our wedding day and we were outside by a beautiful blossom tree. Petals of blossom were falling down onto us as we posed for a picture. I wore a beautiful white wedding dress, it had no fancy patterns, no lace or embroidery…Just a plain white wedding dress with a long train. Ron wore black dress robes, which made him look like Prince Charming…not that he needed it though. It was a moving picture which showed us getting into the position that the photographer wanted as Ron whispered something in my ear which made me smile…it was then when the photo stopped and re-played itself…playing the same scene.
I just wanted to scream, pull my hair out…do anything to relieve the anger and hatred I was feeling inside of me. My heart was breaking inside of me, and the pain was enough to drive anyone crazy. At times I couldn't breathe, it hurt that much. I wanted him back so badly; I needed him back.
I remember Molly standing up and coming to hug me. She told me that she was sorry and that she wanted him back. She said that she couldn't believe that her baby boy was gone and he wasn't coming back. She told me that she thought of me when I had locked myself in my room back at my flat. She said that she was worried about me because she knew how I must have been feeling, but yet she didn't know. She said that it was cruel to have his life taken away from him so fast when he had the rest of his life ahead of him.
She noticed that I looked somewhat thinner than usual…I guess it was because I had hardly eaten after Ron died. She told me to stay for dinner; she wanted to make sure that I ate something. The last thing she wanted was for me to make myself ill. At first I declined her offer but it was not because I didn't want to stay for dinner, I felt I couldn't. All I wanted was to be alone with no one to remind me of Ron, because if I weren't reminded of him I wouldn't have to feel the pain of his loss even more. Molly persuaded me to stay…she said it would be good for me to be around people that shared my pain.
The dinner was very silent, the most silent Weasley dinner I have ever experienced. All that was heard was the cutlery scraping across the crockery. As I looked around the table I saw pained expressions, not one smile. I felt like I was in a completely different house with a completely different family. Meal times at the Weasley household where usually filled with laughter, chatter and…noise. No one spoke a single word that night. What could be said when one family member had just been murdered?
I was glad to be home after that dinner. The silence was unbearable; their pained expressions reminded me of my own pain. I wanted Ron back when I just wanted to cry. I wanted him to hold me whilst I cried into his chest like I used to. I wanted him to hold me, tell me that everything would be ok, everything will be fine. I wanted him to kiss me…I wanted him back…I want him back.
Planning the funeral was not a pleasant experience. The Weasley's helped organise and prepare for the day where we all said our goodbyes to Ron for the last time. I wanted to make a speech for my love, my husband. I wanted to let the world know how much Ron meant to me, how much he still means to me even after his death. I never thought that I would have to say goodbye to him that way, but I had too. I had to find a way to let him go, which was easier said than done.
I remember the day of his funeral very well. Images of the mourning still play fresh in my mind. The sky was a murky grey that represented the way I, as well as many other people felt that day. I didn't want to say goodbye to him, because I knew as soon as I did…It would kill all hopes of Ron coming back to me.
The actual ceremony felt like a blur to me, I was in a deep trance thinking of how my life had drastically changed after Ron's death. My life will be lonely, cold, dark…I will no longer feel the warm feeling you have when you are in love, I won't feel the warmth of Ron's body as he sleeps next to me at night…
Hermione stood up slowly as she was called up to read her speech. Her heart was beating so fast, this was the most important speech of her life and she was nervous, as she didn't want to mess it up.
She slowly walked up onto the platform, her heels echoing every step she took. She faced the crowd of Ron's family and friends, and took a deep breath before she began to calm her nerves and prepare herself for what was to come.
"I remember the first time I met Ron. It was in our first year at Hogwarts. We were travelling on the Hogwarts express…I came into his carriage where he and Harry were sat. I remember asking them if they had seen a lost toad that had belonged to our good friend Neville but when I saw that Ron had his wand out looking as if he was about to perform some magic on his rat I was interested…turns out the spell backfired…I told him he had dirt on his nose and left. Merlin knows what he thought of me after that.
In our first charms lesson, we were learning how to perform wingardium leviosa, I remember that Ron couldn't get the white feather that we were practising on to levitate. I helped him with the spell…only to be thanked with sarcasm and rudeness. My first impressions of Ron were not positive…he probably thought the same. He changed what I thought of him when he, along with Harry showed their courage and saved me from a troll that was let loose in the school. I will never forget that day…the day when I became a friend of Ronald Weasley.
He showed incredible bravery in our second year when the Chamber of Secrets was opened. He faced spiders for me…everyone knew that he was afraid of spiders thanks to Fred and George. I will never forget his courage and willingness to face his fears…just to save me.
Ron has always been protective of me, and that showed in our fourth year where I had a fling with Victor Krum. Ron became incredible jealous, I didn't know why he was until years later. I won't go on too much about Victor…Or "Vicky", as Ron would like to call him.
Anyone who knew us at Hogwarts knew of our 'interesting' relationship. We shared many fights and arguments during our years at Hogwarts. I look back and half the time I cannot remember why we fought, now it seemed really petty and silly. We knew of our feelings for each other, but we didn't act upon it. We wasted time; acting upon our feelings by fighting…I look back and think…if…if only we admitted our feelings earlier…we would have had more time together…
It took near death experiences for us to realise that our feelings were important. I remember feeling a great relief lift off my shoulders when Ron told me he loved me. I was so happy to finally be out in the open with my feelings…I had been bottling them up for a long time.
I know that many of you here knew Ron a great deal and he will be greatly missed. I cannot put into words how much I love him, nor can I say how much I am missing him right now. We all share the pain of loss and bereavement of such a fantastic human being, it is hard to say who is mourning the most since we all have our own memories with Ron. Remember, Ron is gone, but the memories with him will last forever…He will be with us in our memories…and that will keep him alive in our hearts. Thank you"
Hermione could feel the tears falling freely down her face. She promised herself she wouldn't cry during her speech…but as she was speaking the words she carefully picked out a memory of Ron flashed in her mind. She missed him so much, and this was her last time to say goodbye to him before he left her forever.
She remembered something that she said in her speech, the memories would keep him alive in my heart. Such wonderful memories that she had shared with Ron over the years. She couldn't believe that in an instant, all she had left of Ron was the memories that would stay with her forever.
I remember that Harry went into a stage of depression after Ron's death. It got so bad that he couldn't even look me in the eye anymore. He blamed himself for Ron's death, he felt responsible for distracting Ron which resulted in his death. I tried to talk to him, convince him that it wasn't his fault but he refused to listen, as far as he was concerned it was and always will be his fault that Ron died.
His relationship with his wife, Ginny, struggled due to his guilt depression. Every time he saw Ginny she reminded him of Ron which made him feel worse. Every time he saw the Weasley vibrant red hair it reminded him of what he lost, of what he could have prevented. He couldn't step foot in the Burrow without feeling guilty, he could feel all eyes were on him, accusing eyes. It was all in his imagination though since the Weasley family would never think to blame Harry for Ron's death.
I remember that Ginny would occasionally come to my house, in tears because of another fight with Harry. She was worried about him and he, as he always was, refused any help. She told me that he would wake up in cold sweats, having had a nightmare about the day when Ron was killed…how he was unable to help him. She told me that Harry refused to let go, refused to accept that Ron was gone and it was not his fault. I knew I had to do something, but what could I do when he would not listen?
I tried talking to him several times, trying different approaches but nothing seemed to work. He had fully convinced himself that it was his fault and as stubborn as Harry was I was determined to convince him otherwise.
Hermione knocked on the door to the home that belonged to Harry and Ginny and waited impatiently for someone to respond. When there was no respond she began to get frustrated. She knocked again, only louder and harder this time whilst shouting at the inhabitant inside.
"Harry! You open this door right now!" She demanded in a very loud and angry tone.
She heard movement coming from inside, it sounded like it was coming from the front room. She sighed and rolled her eyes, 'Why does he have to be so difficult!' she thought in frustration.
She made her way to the front door window dodging the various bushes and plants that Ginny had planted "Of all the places to put these, she HAD to put them here!" Hermione growled as she scraped her leg against a small branch that was sticking out.
When she got to the window she saw Harry lying on the sofa with nothing more than boxers. She sighed, "Why does he put himself through this?"
She knocked on the window, which surprisingly got his attention. He lazily turned towards the window and was surprised to see his best friend, with a worried expression on her face looking directly at him.
"Harry! Please open up! We need to talk!" Hermione shouted through the window feeling very humiliated.
Harry gave her no response. She growled in frustration, she was going to get through to him no matter what it took, even if it meant standing out here all day.
"Harry please! I know you can see me! Just please let me in!"
Still nothing, he didn't even move. Hermione sighed heavily. 'Fine…we will do it the hard way'
"HARRY! IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW I WILL BLAST IT OPEN! AND YOU WILL HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO EXPLAINS TO GINNY WHY!" Hermione shouted letting her anger and frustration come out.
Harry looked at her and could see that it was not an empty threat. He knew that Ginny would be extremely angry if she came home from work to find the door blasted off and she would be furious to find out why. He sighed as he slowly stood up and made his way to the door to let Hermione in.
When he opened the door Hermione pushed past Harry and into the front room where he was sitting before. She sighed as she saw a pillow and a duvet on the floor, which meant that Ginny had made him sleep downstairs again.
"Oh Harry…" Hermione began softly, she knew that their relationship was far from perfect but Ginny never mentioned him sleeping downstairs.
"She kicked me out of our room a few days ago…" Harry began, Hermione could see dry tears on his cheeks which meant that he had been crying recently.
"Did she say why?" Hermione asked curiously, although she had a pretty good assumption as to why Ginny did what she did.
Harry rubbed his temples and sighed "Something about not being able to take it anymore."
Hermione simply nodded, she couldn't yell at him whilst he was like this, it wouldn't be fair. "Harry, have a shower, get dressed and then we can talk about all this, ok?"
Harry looked at her strangely but didn't dare refuse; he knew Hermione too well to know that if he pushed her she could become quite scary. He made his way upstairs whilst Hermione decided to clean up a little.
When Harry came downstairs after his shower and made himself look some what decent he sat down at the head of the kitchen table where a mug of tea was waiting for him. Hermione sat herself down in the chair next to him.
"So why did you come?" Harry asked as he took a sip from the steaming mug.
"I wanted to see how you were…how you are coping" Hermione said as best as she could without crying as she referred to Ron.
"I'm well and coping fine" Harry said in one go, hoping to sound convincing enough for Hermione to leave him be. It didn't even sound convincing enough to him.
"Harry…please talk to me" Hermione pleaded, he could see tears forming in her eyes…whether they were tears of worry or tears of grief or both, he did not know.
"There is nothing to talk about Hermione," Harry said sternly, not wanting to bring the subject of Ron into the field.
Hermione took a deep breath, calming herself, trying not to cry "Harry, you know very well that there is something we need to talk about! You can't leave it be forever! You can't keep avoiding it!" Hermione cried as tears ran down her face, she quickly wiped them away with her sleeve.
"I can try! It beats coming to terms with it!" Harry argued, but somehow he didn't believe his own words.
"Harry…can't you see what you are doing to yourself? To Ginny?"
"Yes I can…"
"Then why are you doing it! Why put yourself through all this!" Hermione cried as she clenched her fist hard to prevent her from breaking down.
"I don't know why! I just know that it was my fault! It's my fault he died! If I hadn't been distracting him, playing around then this wouldn't have happened! I don't know why you are even friends with me after what I have done! I don't know why Ginny is still with me after I got her brother killed! I don't know!" Harry cried trying to hold his composure but somehow it slipped from him as he slowly began to break down.
Hermione didn't know what to say; she had never seen him like this before, so run down…so depressed. It broke her heart to see him like this. She just looked at him bury his head in his arms and cry.
"Harry…Harry…please look at me," Hermione said softly whilst rubbing his arm.
"I…I…can't! I can't look at you without looking into those accusing eyes!" Harry cried desperately.
Hermione was confused "What accusing eyes? Harry? You think I blame you for what happened to Ron? Well I don't, I would never think to blame you…I wouldn't dream of it! You know that, you're just letting your paranoia get to you," Hermione soothed. "Harry please look at me"
Harry slowly lifted his head and saw Hermione's worried glance. He could see her eyes were glistening with tears and that is what was making him feel the guilt. The melancholy look in her eyes that showed her pain, her grief; her loneliness. He couldn't take it anymore; he buried his head in his arms again.
"Harry, please look at me," Hermione pleaded.
"I can't! I can see it in your eyes!"
"What? What can you see in my eyes?"
"The pain! The pain of losing a loved one! The pain of losing someone that means so much to you, someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with!"
"I can see the same pain in your eyes, well obviously not the same as mine but similar. In your eyes, when you let me see them I can see the pain of losing someone that meant so much to you, a best friend; a brother. I can see the pain of realisation that you will never see them again. I can see lots of pain inside of you Harry and its bottling up, you need to let it go before you do yourself damage," Hermione explained gently.
Harry looked up at Hermione "You're one to talk! You haven't spoken about him since the funeral! You have hardly been to the Burrow, or work! What about you?"
Hermione looked down at her hands. Knowing what Harry was saying was true. How can she sit there and preach about Harry bottling his feelings up when she is doing the same.
"Harry…I…this is different!"
"How is it different? Tell me, how is it different to what I am doing?" Harry asked gently, he didn't want to upset her even more by making it sound like he was accusing her, he just wanted to make a point.
"I…Well…Its…I…You…Its not different," Hermione sighed, she tried to think of something to say but nothing seemed to fit, Harry was right…it was the same.
"So you can't talk about me bottling up what I am feeling when you have been doing the same!"
"You're right, I am bottling up what I am really feeling about Ron not being her anymore! I can't go the Burrow in fear that every person I see there will ask me how I am doing. I can't go there because every time I am it's a different atmosphere! Its like it is not the Burrow anymore! I can't go there because it will remind of what I don't have! Family! You have Ginny; you both still have a life together! You can have the wonderful gift of children! You have each other! Everyone else has someone they can turn to! Me? I have no one, Not one person I can truly talk to about how I am feeling because you are feeling so sorry for yourself that you can't see that everyone else is probably feeling the same as you. At least you have someone with you at night to hug, to have comfort! I don't! My future is over! Gone! Without Ron I am nothing! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him! I wanted to start a family with him! But I can't because he is gone! I can't exactly share that with someone because no one knows how I am really feeling.
How do you think Remus is feeling? He was the one who sent Ron out there! Should he feel guilty? No! He didn't know what was going to happen that day. He is coping; he isn't feeling any guilt because he knew it was out of his hands! You shouldn't feel guilty either! Just because you were the one with him when he died doesn't mean you were the cause of his death! Stop beating yourself up over it! You have a life with Ginny, and you are ruining it because you are so wound up with your own self-pity that you can't see what you are putting Ginny through! She doesn't need this! You're lucky! You have the rest of your life together! Stop throwing it away"
Harry was taken back by Hermione and what she said, she did have a point but what she said about her future not happening made him feel even guiltier.
"You haven't got a future because of me! Ron is not here because of me! I distracted him and because of that he died!" Harry retorted.
"Don't flatter yourself Harry. I have had enough! If you can't see that you are not to blame and snap out of this soon then you will lose a lot more. You have Ginny, you have a future, and you are able to start a family! Think about what you have rather than thinking about what you don't. Ron was my life, he still is and seeing you like this makes me feel even worse. I turn to YOU because I thought you could make me feel better…that life will go on. But seeing you like this…blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in life is just pathetic. What would Ron think if he saw you like this…What would he say if he saw that you are destroying yourself? Listen to me Harry, I can easily blame myself for this, I can easily say that it was my fault Ron went to work that day…I should have stopped him from walking out door. I could have easily kept him from going…I should have stopped him. I should have made him call in sick I should have done something…anything to stop him! But I didn't…I…"
"ENOUGH!" Harry shouted, stopping Hermione from continuing what she was saying. "I know what point you are trying to make! Anyone can place blame on themselves but you do not know how hard it was to stand there and watch someone die!" As soon as those words left Harry's mouth he instantly regretted it. He could see that he had gone too far as he saw that Hermione's face was drenched with her tears.
"You're right Harry…"
"Hermione…""I don't know what it feels like…"
"Hermione…"
"To watch people I love being killed right in front of me!"
"Hermione!"
She refused to listen to him; she stood up quickly, her chair scraping across the kitchen floor before she stormed out of the house slamming the door behind her.
"Hermione…" Harry said quietly, not believing what he had just said to her. Now he realised what she had been saying to him all this time. He shouldn't feel guilty because it wasn't fair on everyone else who were grieving. It wasn't fair on him, blaming himself for everything…and it wasn't fair on Hermione who was just trying to help him…all she got in return was bitterness and insensitivity.
He had briefly forgotten that the summer after sixth year there was a fatal attack at the Granger household. Luckily Hermione was not seriously hurt, but she would forever be haunted with the images of her parent's murder. As soon as he heard, he did the same thing he had been doing with Ron. He blamed himself for what happened to Hermione's parents, completely forgetting how Hermione was feeling. The first thing he felt was guilt, looking back made him regret not being there for Hermione when she needed him. He had to make everything about him, and for that he was truly sorry.
That evening Hermione was sat on the sofa in her house thinking about the words that Harry had said to her. She couldn't believe how insensitive he had been, she thought that he, out of all people would understand how she felt. She had lost her parents the summer after sixth year in a brutal attack on her home. She saw them die, saw her own parents die, and for Harry to say that she didn't know what it feels like to watch someone important to her die was the last straw.
She had tolerated his behaviour before, but now she couldn't take it. She knew that if Harry didn't stop believing it was his fault someone would get hurt. She never thought it would be her. She had tried so hard to move on from her parent's death, but Harry had unintentionally re-opened her scars, her guilt and her grief.
She had been crying ever since she got back, which was a good few hours ago and there was no guarantee that the pain would go away so easily this time. Ron wasn't here to comfort her, to tell her it would be ok; she was on her own trying to deal with something too much for one person to handle.
A knock on her door woke her from her thoughts. She knew it was Harry coming to apologise for what he said earlier. She unlocked her door with her wand, not wanting to get up to greet him.
"It's open!" She called out, giving permission to whoever was on the other side of the door to come in. Harry appeared moments later with an apologetic look upon his face.
"Hey…" He said awkwardly not knowing what to say to her for the first time since he knew her.
"Hi…" Hermione said a little too stiffly, she was still angry with him for what he said.
"Hermione…I'm sorry for what I said. It was insensitive of me and very stupid. I do not know how much it is hurting you right now, and you nor Ginny need my self-pity on top of everything else you are going through. I just needed a way to deal with his death…and I thought at the time, blaming myself would help me…but it didn't it only made things worse. I ended up hurting my best friend with something that I know I shouldn't have said. What you said was right, I am pathetic…"
"Harry, you're not pathetic" Hermione interrupted but received a stern look from Harry.
"I am trying to make a decent apology here and you are interrupting it! As I was saying…I am pathetic for not realising how much my guilt is hurting other people…I should stop feeling sorry for myself and realise what I have. It was selfish of me to ignore your needs since you lost a lot more than I did. You lost a life, a husband, your family, but one thing I don't agree with you on is that you have lost your future. You will move on from Ron and you will have a future. If you choose to find someone else than I will be behind you every step of the way, and if you don't then I understand. I am so sorry for what I said, and I regret it…please accept my apology" Tears were forming in Harry's eyes as he was apologising to Hermione.
"Oh Harry! Of course I forgive you!" Hermione cried as tears where forming in her eyes again.
Harry hugged Hermione and gave her a tight, comforting hug. He could hear Hermione sobbing into his shirt. He thought that Hermione must have needed a good hug to comfort her, she didn't have anybody to turn to other than him, and when he was acting like a prat she had to find comfort in herself.
"Hermione? Are you ok?" Harry asked, worried for his friend but relieved that she was letting all her pain out.
"I miss him so much," Hermione cried, "I just keep on expecting him to walk through the door with his warm smile but he doesn't anymore…I will never see him again and it hurts to think about him"
Harry could do nothing more than hold her. She needed to know that he was there if she needed a hug, he needed to let her cry on him to let her tears wash away her pain.
Ron's death was hard on us all, we all understood each other's pains and knew each other's limits. I became even closer with Ron's brothers than I was before. I suppose it was because they all had something inside of them that reminded me of him. Within time, thinking about him became easier, I no longer cried when I thought of him, I smiled. I thought of the good times I shared with him before his sudden departure from the world. I learnt that I could move on without forgetting him, I know what you are thinking though…did I end up with someone else? The answer to that is no, no one could replace Ron, no matter how hard they tried.
I still hear his voice calling out my name. I can still see his smile and I can still hear him laugh. I know that when I die, I will be reunited with him and that is what keeps me going. They lied when they said I would never see him again…I will see him in death, I will be with him and my parents after I die which makes me stronger.
I will never be able to forget Ron; he played such an important role in my life. He taught me so many things that will stay with me until the day I die.
Ron will stay locked in my heart forever, they can take away Ron but they cannot take away the memories I shared with him.
Let me know what you think
Helen