Well hello. Sorry this took so long. I was wondering if possibly some of you guys could help me out. I'm looking for a fanfiction where Ryan is in the hospital for one reason or another. I'm thinking car crash-ish. Sandy ends up needing to be looked at too. Was it possible that he was in the crash, too? I'm not sure but… So everybody's waiting for news. The last part… Kirsten's waiting and sees a doctor come out. I think he like gives her the news and she realizes that it's Sandy's doctor. I'm not sure about all of that. But I believe it's something along those lines. I also believe it's a one-shot. So if anyone can help me out with that. I would be sooo appreciative.
Also, some lines/ideas for this were from the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab. So if it sounds familiar. That's why.
Kirsten sat shaking in the waiting room. Julie sat beside her occasionally making a gesture to make Kirsten feel better. Sometimes it was a back rub or hand hold, something. Kirsten was amazed that she'd been able to call Julie. She was amazed that she's been able to breathe. She was having a hard time now. Everything that had happened was a blur. Whether the blur was the product of the tears that were held up in her eyes or from being rushed everywhere, rushed into everything she wasn't sure. She wished she could stop time and get her head together. Even though she was now sitting still, waiting forever for the news, her mind was still racing. Julie had come right to the hospital. It was a blessing that she wasn't very far away. Kirsten thought it was interesting that she had called Julie Cooper for help. A few years ago that wouldn't have happened. It wasn't shocking that Julie would have been here, but the fact that Kirsten now wanted her here- that was shocking. Of course a few years ago it was Julie Cooper, but now it was Julie Cooper-Nichol. Or Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts. No one could be sure.
Ryan had just gotten off the phone with Seth a few minutes ago. He had only informed Seth that they were all at the hospital. He was planning on telling Seth more but Seth had heard hospital and come straight over, dragging Summer with him. Ryan sat down beside Julie. He would have sat down by Kirsten but she was on the last chair as close to the information desk as she could be. He didn't think he had seen her blink in forever. She sat staring at the tiles. He imagined what was possibly going through her head. Probably memories of the life she and Sandy had shared. Moments with Seth. It didn't occur to him that he was in those memories. He had often wondered if he would always have the complex about being a part of the family. He shrugged it off knowing that he had trust issues. He was shaken out of his thoughts by Seth being basically as loud as possible, busting through doors and taking loud, gasping breaths. Ryan stood up to talk to Seth but was surprised when he wasn't welcomed with what he was sure he was going to receive. Seth was actually quiet. No rambling, no questions too fast to answer, no crazy, radical assumptions, nothing.
Seth looked around the waiting area and rationalized the situation. Mom. Ryan. Julie? He thought to himself as he did a head count, his eyes bouncing from the subjects. His eyes stopped and his heart followed suit for a moment. Dad. His brain stated. He looked back to Ryan with questions in his eyes. He noticed the confusion in Ryan's eyes and knew that they were matching his own. They read each others' mind as they walked over to Kirsten. Summer ran in and went over to Seth.
"Cohen! Slow down! You're going to kill someone!" She could have hit herself in the head for her unfortunate choice of words.
Somehow through all the commotion, Kirsten hadn't even noticed Seth coming into the hospital. Maybe tonight nothing was surprising her anymore. Maybe she was numb to the fast moving pace of the night. The boys walked to stand in front of her. Summer sat down beside Julie.
"Mom?" Seth asked. Kirsten looked up into her son's eyes and was met with the childlike fright and confusion in them. He looked so much like the man she was possibly losing forever. She stood and threw her arms around Seth's neck and let the tears flow free. Seth held his mom tight and let her cry. He remembered his father telling him at an early age that with many women the best thing to do is just to let them cry.
He had told Seth that his mom was one of those women. "I love you so much." Kirsten told him shakily. She broke away from Seth and looked back into his eyes. Even though his eyes weren't blue, they still reminded her of Sandy's. They had Sandy's depth and that little glimmer of impossible hope that everything might be okay. She looked over at Ryan and pulled him close.
"I love you, too. So much." Ryan awkwardly put his arms around her. He still wasn't sure why it felt so awkward to hug her. Maybe it was her words at the intervention but he thought they were over that. Maybe even after a few years he still wasn't used to all the hugs.
Kirsten pulled away and wiped away her tears. She looked at her two boys. "Mom. What happened?" Kirsten sighed and looked back and forth between her sons. She knew she had to tell them.
"I had to work late." She started, shaking. "You both know your dad's associate, Matt." Her voice changed tone when she said his name. "He came in and we were talking and…" This was going to be hard. "And… he forced himself… on me."
As she completed her confession, Seth's face became stricken with anger and shock, Julie looked horrified, Summer gasped, and Ryan hung his head. He had been correct in his assumption, but he wanted so badly to be wrong. Kirsten took a deep breath and continued.
"Sandy came in, which caused Matt to stop. Sandy started fighting with him. I was sure he was going to kill Matt but…" She shook her head and tried to keep the tears from escaping. "Matt stabbed your father." She finished as a few tears rand down her cheeks.
"Oh my gosh." Summer whispered. Julie sat shocked. How much was Kirsten going to be put through?
"So Matt tried to rape you? And then he stabbed my father?" Seth asked making sure he had heard correctly. Seth looked down at the floor incredulously with his mouth hanging open. He suddenly turned and stormed out the automatic doors. Kirsten was about to go after him but Ryan put up a hand to stop her.
He followed after Seth who was almost to the car.
"Seth." Ryan said trying to get him to stop. When Seth refused, Ryan raised his voice. "Seth!" As Seth opened the driver's door, Ryan immediately came behind him and shut the door.
"Move Ryan!" Seth yelled.
"C'mon Seth. What are you going to do?" Ryan asked sincerely.
"I don't know. Give the guy a piece of my mind." Seth stammered while shrugging. "He tried to rape our mom and then he stabbed our dad. He deserves a punch or a kick or something." Seth babbled as he moved to get into the car.
"Well, Sandy and I took care of that. As he tried to run away, I punched him out and then the police took him. You can get your revenge later, but right now both of us need to be there for your mom...and for Sandy." Ryan said standing firmly in his position, making it nearly impossible for Seth to get into the car. Seth sighed and handed Ryan the keys.
The boys entered the hospital just as the doctor started talking to Kirsten. They sprinted over so they could hear. They tried to read his expressions for either good news or bad news. His face looked tired, but not necessarily like he was trying to find the words to give horrible news.
"He's stable. These next 24 hours are going to be the hardest. I have to warn you that anything can happen." The doctor stated as calmly as possible in view of the circumstances. "You may see him now if you wish."
As the doctor left, the group tried to comprehend the information they had just been given. Seth decided to go first to see his father. He walked in and was startled by his father's appearance. His face was pale and he had tubes all around him. Seth had never seen anyone like this. Well, in the movies he had but never this close up. It frightened him and made him feel faint. He slid a chair over to his father's bed and sat. He leaned forward into a slouching position with his elbows on his knees. He fumbled with his hands and diverted his eyes. For once in his life, Seth didn't know what to say. Would Sandy even be able to hear him? Seth couldn't remember the doctor saying. Surely he could. But what do you say in a moment like this? Everything needs to be said but there might not be enough time. Seth began to do what he was best at. Rambling.
"Dad. Make it through this. Please. We need you. What would we do without the Sandy Cohen uplifting speech or the Sandy Cohen specialty bagel?" Seth paused. "Me and Ryan need you to protect us from Mom's cooking. Oh gosh." Seth gasped in realization. "Mom needs you. I remember when you went away on that business trip. Mom missed you so badly. And you were only gone for a few days. She was late for work everyday and couldn't even handle making coffee. She crumbles without you. And what about Ryan? Huh, Dad? He needs you. C'mon he's already lost one dad. Don't make him lose another. You're our hero, Dad." Seth looked over his dad. He hadn't moved at all as far as Seth could tell. "Well I better let Ryan in here to visit or he'll bust from over-brooding."
Seth got up and patted his father's shoulder. "I love you, Dad." He quietly said and walked out the door back to the waiting room. He noticed his mother fumbling with her hands and twisting her rings around her fingers. Julie was sitting to her right and looked as if she had run out of ideas on how to lend a little comfort to her friend. Ryan was on Kirsten's left and was looking more antsy than usual. Summer had a look on her face that Seth couldn't read. The best he could figure was that her thoughts were running circles in her head and she was trying to catch up. Marissa had shown up during the time Seth had been in his dad's room. She was sitting beside Summer and staring at the tiles deep in thought.
Ryan looked up as Seth returned. He and Seth shared a look of brotherly understanding. Ryan then looked toward Kirsten silently asking her if she wanted to go before him. She motioned for him to go. She obviously had some things to think about. Seth took Ryan's seat, finding him between his mother and his girlfriend. He sat straight and leaned all the way back in his chair. If the circumstances were different, he would have found it interesting that this was the first time he had sat with correct and healthy posture his entire life. He put his right arm around his mother who was staring intently on her shoes.
She was startled by the new arm around her and looked at the owner. His brown eyes stared back into her blue. And for the first time in their relationship, they didn't need words to convey their feelings with each other. She leaned her head slightly onto his shoulder. Seth lowered his head and spoke quietly into his mother's ear.
"He's going to be okay. He has to be." He felt her nod and heard her sniffle her reply. "I mean, he's bound to have inherited some of the Nana's ability to outlive us all." He felt her shoulders jump lightly as she chuckled softly. Seth felt a small hand wiggle its way into his. He looked at their hands and then to his girlfriend's face. He was met with her sympathetic smile. She was met with a sad, sorrowful smile. She squeezed his hand lightly trying to give him comfort. He squeezed back and gave her a grateful grin, letting her know that she was indeed helping. Seth turned back to look at his mom. He tightened his grip on her shoulder. She lifted her arm and set her hand on top of his.
Kirsten kept thinking about the doctor's words. 'Anything can happen,' he had said. They weren't out of the woods yet. The doctors could have missed something. One mistake can be very costly. She tried to shake the negativity out of her head. Always the pessimist. Sandy had always been the optimistic one. Silver lining in absolutely everything. Kirsten recalled him saying his goodbyes. "You'll be fine." He whispered. "There's people left to take care of you." Wasn't very optimistic of him, was it? Maybe he accepted his fate and was trying to help me find the silver lining in his… No! He's not gone. He's gotta make it." Kirsten thought to herself. These thoughts caused a cascade of tears to escape her eyelids. She wanted him to be okay so desperately. She didn't want him to only be seen in pictures and memories. Both taken by faulty cameras and both eventually fade into themselves.
Ryan slowly made his way into Sandy's room. He was startled, not at Sandy's appearance though. No, Ryan had seen people look like this plenty of times. What was startling was the fact that it was Sandy looking like this, not some uneducated drunk who hadn't been smart enough to keep his mouth shut. He took the seat beside Sandy's bed that Seth had left. His eyes shifted from thing to thing. Object to object. Ryan was finding it difficult to concentrate, which was unusual for him. Tonight, in this moment, he was finding it very difficult to put words together. He remembered telling Sandy he liked to save it for when it counted. Obviously not if you can't even put words together when he could be gone before the night's over. Ryan thought to himself.
The beeping on the heart monitor grabbed his attention. It sounded to Ryan as if the beeps were slowing. Or it sounded as if Ryan were running away from them. It didn't look like it though. Up and down, up and down. They fluctuated perfectly. But still. Ryan felt as if with every descending peak Sandy was being taken away from them. Farther and farther away as the line bounced. Ryan tried to clear his head. Whenever bad things happened it seemed his mind clouded over and his thoughts ran in every different direction. One minute, favoring optimism; the next, expecting the worst. He looked back to Sandy. As Ryan's head fought with itself, Ryan had stayed completely still with the exception of his eyes.
Ryan swallowed attempting to make the lump in his throat go away, or at least diminish slightly. It didn't work. His stomach was in knots. He cleared his throat. Perhaps, subconsciously, trying to rouse Sandy from a slumber so he could simply read the speech Ryan was conveying with his eyes; instead of Ryan having to try to make syllables and pronounce words.
"I'm sorry." Ryan started. For what? He could hear Sandy asking. Ryan knew that it was slightly ridiculous and illogical for his first inclination in a predicament is to apologize. Sandy had always found it slightly amusing. "If I hadn't been on the phone, I could have…" He came up blank. "Done something." He paused and looked down to his boots. "If I hadn't grabbed that snack at the gas station, I could have been home earlier and we could have been to the Newport Group earlier." He could hear Sandy telling him that he was being irrational.
"I don't know. I'm just…" He looked back up at Sandy. "Sorry." He felt the tears build up and his nose begin to sting. "Just…. Be… okay?... Please." He begged as the tears pooled in his eyes. "We all really need you." He said in a whisper. "Sandy, if you don't…" He couldn't bring himself to say it. "I just want to say… thank you." He looked to his hands. "Thank you for everything." He sniffed back anything that was trying to get out of his body and stood up. He placed a hand on Sandy's shoulder and realized that it could be now or never.
"I love you, Sandy." Ryan whispered so low that he could barely even hear it. "I love you like you were my real dad. Heck, I don't care what blood says. You are my real dad." He said as he slightly nodded his head and tightened his grip on Sandy's shoulder. As he walked away, he clenched his teeth and tried to swallow the lump down again. It still wasn't working.
Kirsten's eyes had moved to staring out the window. She desperately wanted to stop her brain from replaying all the memories she had. Apparently, her brain was on a kick; it didn't matter if the memory had anything to do with anything. Everything got replayed. She had spent too much time with Sandy and Seth, except she managed to keep the rambling inside, most of the time. She heard dragging feet and immediately recognized Ryan's trademark step. Whether it was early morning in socks or after school in his boots, it sounded identical. Her eyes fell on him. The only difference in his appearance was his brooding glare. It was more thoughtful than normal.
He sat in Kirsten's chair once she had gone. He looked around the waiting room and took in his surroundings. His eyes landed on the television, which was blabbing to itself. Why did they even have one in here? No one waiting in this section of the hospital wanted to hear about Ashlee Simpson's new nose or Justin Timberlake's possible drug usage. Everyone here only wanted to hear a certain professional say one certain phrase. Technically, it didn't matter what the exact phrase, as long as the point was the same. Same went for the extremely old magazines. No one waiting in this department of the hospital would be able to comprehend anything they read. They were saving their limited amount of comprehension for possibility of being given the unwanted news that could be given.
Summer was also making mental notes about her settings. One factor in particular. The extremely distracting few that had clearly been given the misguided advice that pacing the waiting room helps the chances for your loved one. Summer watched one man in particular. He looked and acted as if he had been given one too many shots of espresso. Back and forth, back and forth. It was making her nauseous and giving her a headache. Whenever a noise was made within a certain vicinity of the pacers all of their heads would shoot up. They were like meerkats and it was killing her. Footsteps, POP. A door shutting, POP. A sniffle, POP. She needed to do something. Watching the pacers was going to cause her to need her own medical attention. She decided to get coffee for everyone. Anything to get her away from this.
Kirsten took a deep breath. It was her turn. She slowly stepped through the doorway into her husband's room. He took her breath away, however it was anything but romantic. She had never seen anyone like this, not even on television. Of course, she usually threw her hands over her eyes during the gross parts. Of course, Sandy would hear nothing of this and would tell her exactly what was happening with excruciating detail, which resulted in screaming and hitting. Kirsten broke out of her memory state and walked over to the side of her husband's hospital bed.
"Hey baby." She whispered, as she stood by his bed and ran a hand through his hair. She looked him over and then her eyes were drawn back to his face. The few purple bruises that resided there were of great contrast to his pale face. Her fingertips grazed over them; he gave her no response. She looked toward the machines that he was hooked up to.
'All of this because of me,' she thought to herself. The guilt had already been setting in but now it was making a home in her mind. She ran her left hand down his arm and took his hand in hers. She squeezed his hand and he faintly squeezed back, at least Kirsten thought he did. She pulled the chair as close to the bed as it could get and sat down. She held his hand with her left and stroked it with her right. No doubt if it was his other hand, she would have fiddled with his wedding ring.
What do you say? What is there to say? He knew everything she could tell him. He knew that he was her everything, that without him she would crumble. There was nothing new that could be said. They had never really needed words, though. Kirsten kissed his hand lightly and rested her head beside it, close enough for him to still be touching her. Tears slipped out of her closed eyes.
"Please don't leave me." She barely whispered. "Please. I need you so much. Please." She knew he couldn't hear her. Not necessarily because he was probably still 'under' but because she wasn't barely speaking. She rubbed her cheek against the back of her husband's fingers, trying to draw strength and comfort from it. The silent tears she was crying were caught by his blanket.
Suddenly, her ears were attacked with the erratic beeping of the machine. Nurses and doctors rushed into the room and Kirsten was pushed away. She threw her hand over her mouth and gasped, crying. Julie rushed in and put her arms around Kirsten to keep her from falling. Ryan and Seth looked through the window. Both hearts beating wildly. The line went flat and the doctor yelled for the paddles. As electric current went through Sandy's body, Kirsten could swear that she felt it go through her as well. The line remained flat and the doctor yelled for another try.
As Kirsten heard the flat line, she sobbed out a loud "No." The doctor heard her and looked over at the hopeless looking family. He ordered for them to be removed as he used the paddles again. Kirsten and Julie were scooted out and the door was shut and blinds closed.
"Mom? What are we gonna do if…" Seth asked, unable to finish the question. Kirsten wrapped her arms around him, grabbing him into a hug. Seth buried his head into his mother's neck and cried. They broke away and the four of them made their way to the closest benches and waited for the news.
Summer had just come back with everyone's coffee. She was very impressed with herself, not everyone was able to balance six cups of coffee. She was shocked to see the group sitting back in their spots, looking disgruntled. She saw Kirsten fumbling with her wedding rings and tears running rapidly down her cheeks. But Kirsten had just gone in Sandy's room, hadn't she? Getting coffee didn't take that long. She noticed Julie's concerned face. She looked to Seth and could see the trail his tears had left. Ryan was hunched over with his head in his hands. Summer was about to ask what happened but at that moment the doctor came out of the room, looking tired. This time everyone in the room popped their head up, not just the ones pacing. Kirsten stood up and moved toward the doctor, looking to him with pleading eyes. Seth and Ryan got out of their seats but weren't physically able to move any further. The doctor looked at all the faces surrounding him. All asking the same question. Only wanting one answer.
Kirsten crumbled as the doctor told her that he was sorry, that they tried all they could. That her husband lost too much blood. That she was going to be alone. She slid down the wall and shook, as her body became racked with sobs.
As far as Ryan was concerned, the doctor was smart to leave. He was about to get knocked out. Certainly he could have tried harder. He could have been more persistent. No, he had given up. Everyone in Ryan's life gave up. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he did something. Perhaps he just put out something that screamed for people to give up on him. Maybe people thought things like that didn't affect him anymore. They were wrong. Sandy was the only one who didn't give up on Ryan but now someone had given up on Sandy. Ryan thought of these things as he walked out the automatic emergency room doors. He paced inform of a small cement bench and ran his hand over his face, wiping away the tears that pooled in his eyes. He plopped onto the bench and put his head in his hands.
As soon as Seth had heard the news, his legs gave way and he dropped back into his chair. His dad couldn't be… No. Not Sandy Cohen. They had to have the wrong guy. The doctor couldn't have been talking about his dad. No. His dad could do anything. His dad was Newport's very own Superman. He was Seth's hero. Kirsten's too. And there was no questioning what Sandy meant to Ryan. This couldn't be happening.
Thankfully, Summer had put down the coffees before the news was given. She had placed them on the small table between a section of chairs. She now sat, unable to speak, floored by the recent development. Seth looked as if he weren't there. She had no idea what to say, or do. Marissa sat beside her, also dumbfounded by the news. Sandy was like her second father, definitely more lately.
Seth exhaled sharply, not realizing that he was holding his breath. His mother's sobs were now registering in his brain. He looked over to her, still huddled by the wall. Julie was holding onto her. Julie looked like she had things under control but Seth had a feeling that deep inside she was just as lost as everyone else. Nothing can prepare you for this. There's no book telling you how to handle news like this. Many people have written books on how to comfort someone who's going through loss, but you don't think to read it until after it's happened. No one is fully prepared for this. Coming upon this realization, Seth Cohen repeated the statement to himself. This couldn't be happening.
That
love is watching someone die
So who's gonna watch you die?
"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab